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How to Deal with Homework Frustration As a Parent

Last Updated: June 22, 2022

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS . Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 7,532 times.

When your child struggles with their homework, they may become frustrated or upset. In turn, this may cause them to act out, and you may wind up frustrated yourself. Fortunately, there are ways you can help your child calm down when they begin to become agitated. There are also strategies you can use to help them work through challenging assignments, and to help ensure homework sessions go more smoothly moving forward.

Overcoming Homework Frustration Together

Step 1 Acknowledge your child’s frustration.

Instead of becoming frustrated yourself, try talking to your child calmly. Start with a brief, sympathetic statement. For instance, say “I’m sorry your homework is stressful today,” or “I know it can be frustrating when an assignment is hard to understand.”
Then, let your child know that there is more than just one way to accomplish a task and that you will help them to find a way that will work for them. Say something like, “There is a way for you to get this done that will be less frustrating and I will help you figure it out.”

Direct them to breathe in through their nose deeply and slowly for five seconds, and then release slowly through their mouth.
If you do lose your temper and shout at your child, apologize to them and remind yourself they need your help.
Once everyone is relaxed again, say something like, “Alright let’s have a look at this homework together.”

Step 4 Try to identify the source of frustration.

Listen to your child's response and respond with a way they can handle a similar situation differently in the future.
For instance, if they say, "I got mad because it was too hard," point out that they were able to complete the assignment, and had just gotten stuck on one problem. Then say, "Next time, you know you can always ask me or your teacher about parts of your assignment that don't make sense, right?"

Furthermore, anticipate and accept the fact that you will likely have a verbal battle about homework at one point or another.
If you find yourself getting frustrated when your child struggles with homework, take a moment afterwards to reflect. In particular, remind yourself that growing up involves plenty of challenges for children, and that your patient support will help them immeasurably. It is very important to work through challenges with your child rather than expecting them to figure it out on their own.

Helping Your Child Work on Their Homework

Step 1 Ask your child if they understand the assignment.

If they are not clearly able to explain the assignment, look it over yourself and see if it makes sense to you.
If you are able to understand the assignment, help them get started - but only enough to ensure they understand what they need to do. Then allow them to finish the assignment themselves.
Talk with your child’s teachers about the assignments and encourage your child to talk to their teachers when they don’t understand something. Let your child know that their teachers are there to help them.

Step 2 Correct rude or panicked speaking.

For instance, correct your child when they something like, “You’re wrong!” by saying, “It’s okay to think that I’m wrong, but try saying it differently.”
Offer them examples too, such as “Mom, I don’t think that’s how I’m supposed to do it.”
If your child starts to berate themselves, then correct them. For example, if your child says something like, “I am so stupid! I am never going to understand this!” reframe it by saying, “You are smart and you can figure this out.”

For instance, maybe a grandparent can help more peacefully.
Alternatively, consider searching for an older student to help tutor your child after school. Your child’s school may be able to help facilitate this arrangement.

If you think the homework your child is bringing home may be too challenging for them or for students their age, don't hesitate to mention this to their teacher.
If your child's teacher is not receptive to your input or does not provide adequate responses to your questions, speak with an administrator at the school about any unresolved concerns you have.

Encouraging Good Homework Habits

Step 1 Establish a homework plan together.

A half an hour will often be more than enough for grade school children, while an hour may be better for middle and high school aged kids.
Early evening is usually ideal. Avoid asking your child to do their homework right after school, unless this works for them. Some kids do better with homework on an empty stomach, while others may need to eat a meal and wait a bit before they can focus.
Make sure to give your child a chance to relax and decompress after school before they get into their homework. For example, you might make your child a snack and let them play a game or play outside for about 30 minutes to an hour before starting their homework.

Step 2 Encourage younger children to work in a communal area.

Avoid watching television or messing around on your phone while your child is working. Not only are these potentially distracting, they may also seem unfair to your child.
Set up a workspace for your child that is free of distractions. For example, you could clear the kitchen or dining room table so that your child can complete their homework there.

Step 3 Allow older children to work where they prefer to do so.

Favor language that praises their effort, as opposed to their ability. For instance, say things like, “I can see you’re working very hard on your homework. Good job!”

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Homework Struggles May Not Be a Behavior Problem

Exploring some options to understand and help..

Posted August 2, 2022 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Mental health challenges and neurodevelopmental differences directly affect children's ability to do homework.
Understanding what difficulties are getting in the way—beyond the usual explanation of a behavior problem—is key.
Sleep and mental health needs can take priority over homework completion.

Chelsea was in 10th grade the first time I told her directly to stop doing her homework and get some sleep. I had been working with her since she was in middle school, treating her anxiety disorder. She deeply feared disappointing anyone—especially her teachers—and spent hours trying to finish homework perfectly. The more tired and anxious she got, the harder it got for her to finish the assignments.

One night Chelsea called me in despair, feeling hopeless. She was exhausted and couldn’t think straight. She felt like a failure and that she was a burden to everyone because she couldn’t finish her homework.

She was shocked when I told her that my prescription for her was to go to sleep now—not to figure out how to finish her work. I told her to leave her homework incomplete and go to sleep. We briefly discussed how we would figure it out the next day, with her mom and her teachers. At that moment, it clicked for her that it was futile to keep working—because nothing was getting done.

This was an inflection point for her awareness of when she was emotionally over-cooked and when she needed to stop and take a break or get some sleep. We repeated versions of this phone call several times over the course of her high school and college years, but she got much better at being able to do this for herself most of the time.

When Mental Health Symptoms Interfere with Homework

Kids with mental health or neurodevelopmental challenges often struggle mightily with homework. Challenges can come up in every step of the homework process, including, but not limited to:

Remembering and tracking assignments and materials
Getting the mental energy/organization to start homework
Filtering distractions enough to persist with assignments
Understanding unspoken or implied parts of the homework
Remembering to bring finished homework to class
Being in class long enough to know the material
Tolerating the fear of not knowing or failing
Not giving up the assignment because of a panic attack
Tolerating frustration—such as not understanding—without emotional dysregulation
Being able to ask for help—from a peer or a teacher and not being afraid to reach out

This list is hardly comprehensive. ADHD , autism spectrum disorder, social anxiety , generalized anxiety, panic disorder, depression , dysregulation, and a range of other neurodevelopmental and mental health challenges cause numerous learning differences and symptoms that can specifically and frequently interfere with getting homework done.

The Usual Diagnosis for Homework Problems is "Not Trying Hard Enough"

Unfortunately, when kids frequently struggle to meet homework demands, teachers and parents typically default to one explanation of the problem: The child is making a choice not to do their homework. That is the default “diagnosis” in classrooms and living rooms. And once this framework is drawn, the student is often seen as not trying hard enough, disrespectful, manipulative, or just plain lazy.

The fundamental disconnect here is that the diagnosis of homework struggles as a behavioral choice is, in fact, only one explanation, while there are so many other diagnoses and differences that impair children's ability to consistently do their homework. If we are trying to create solutions based on only one understanding of the problem, the solutions will not work. More devastatingly, the wrong solutions can worsen the child’s mental health and their long-term engagement with school and learning.

To be clear, we aren’t talking about children who sometimes struggle with or skip homework—kids who can change and adapt their behaviors and patterns in response to the outcomes of that struggle. For this discussion, we are talking about children with mental health and/or neurodevelopmental symptoms and challenges that create chronic difficulties with meeting homework demands.

How Can You Help a Child Who Struggles with Homework?

How can you help your child who is struggling to meet homework demands because of their ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD , school avoidance, or any other neurodevelopmental or mental health differences? Let’s break this down into two broad areas—things you can do at home, and things you can do in communication with the school.

Helping at Home

The following suggestions for managing school demands at home can feel counterintuitive to parents—because we usually focus on helping our kids to complete their tasks. But mental health needs jump the line ahead of task completion. And starting at home will be key to developing an idea of what needs to change at school.

Set an end time in the evening after which no more homework will be attempted. Kids need time to decompress and they need sleep—and pushing homework too close to or past bedtime doesn’t serve their educational needs. Even if your child hasn’t been able to approach the homework at all, even if they have avoided and argued the whole evening, it is still important for everyone to have a predictable time to shut down the whole process.
If there are arguments almost every night about homework, if your child isn’t starting homework or finishing it, reframe it from failure into information. It’s data to put into problem-solving. We need to consider other possible explanations besides “behavioral choice” when trying to understand the problem and create effective solutions. What problems are getting in the way of our child’s meeting homework demands that their peers are meeting most of the time?
Try not to argue about homework. If you can check your own anxiety and frustration, it can be more productive to ally with your child and be curious with them. Kids usually can’t tell you a clear “why” but maybe they can tell you how they are feeling and what they are thinking. And if your child can’t talk about it or just keeps saying “I don't know,” try not to push. Come back another time. Rushing, forcing, yelling, and threatening will predictably not help kids do homework.

Helping at School

The second area to explore when your neurodiverse child struggles frequently with homework is building communication and connections with school and teachers. Some places to focus on include the following.

Label your child’s diagnoses and break down specific symptoms for the teachers and school team. Nonjudgmental, but specific language is essential for teachers to understand your child’s struggles. Breaking their challenges down into the problems specific to homework can help with building solutions. As your child gets older, help them identify their difficulties and communicate them to teachers.
Let teachers and the school team know that your child’s mental health needs—including sleep—take priority over finishing homework. If your child is always struggling to complete homework and get enough sleep, or if completing homework is leading to emotional meltdowns every night, adjusting their homework demands will be more successful than continuing to push them into sleep deprivation or meltdowns.
Request a child study team evaluation to determine if your child qualifies for services under special education law such as an IEP, or accommodations through section 504—and be sure that homework adjustments are included in any plan. Or if such a plan is already in place, be clear that modification of homework expectations needs to be part of it.

The Long-Term Story

I still work with Chelsea and she recently mentioned how those conversations so many years ago are still part of how she approaches work tasks or other demands that are spiking her anxiety when she finds herself in a vortex of distress. She stops what she is doing and prioritizes reducing her anxiety—whether it’s a break during her day or an ending to the task for the evening. She sees that this is crucial to managing her anxiety in her life and still succeeding at what she is doing.

Task completion at all costs is not a solution for kids with emotional needs. Her story (and the story of many of my patients) make this crystal clear.

Candida Fink, M.D. , is board certified in child/adolescent and general psychiatry. She practices in New York and has co-authored two books— The Ups and Downs of Raising a Bipolar Child and Bipolar Disorder for Dummies.

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Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…

Research confirms that short breaks help a person’s brain refresh and process. Staring at the page may not produce any new thinking in your child and in fact, staying there when irritated can burn valuable fuel and decrease motivation to put in the hard work necessary to get through the learning process.

But if he walks away, gets some fresh air, or moves a bit, he might feel differently. This small change of scenery can boost thinking skills in powerful ways. He can think more clearly and become a better problem-solver when he returns. He may even gain some new ideas or solutions to his problem removed from the work setting. This functions in the same way that we experience the “shower effect.” Do you get your best ideas in the shower too? Or perhaps your most creative thoughts come when you are driving in the car with no laptop or notepad at the ready? Or maybe when you’ve laid down to go to sleep for the night, your brain starts firing off brilliant thoughts. In order to access our top thinking skills, we require a mental rest. Consider that a short brain break for your child is working with their natural thinking processes to facilitate them, not fight against them.

So although our intention to promote grit and “stick-to-attive-ness” in our children comes from a genuine hope to help them be successful, teaching and promoting brain breaks can help children learn to manage their emotions more effectively while working. And in addition, they may be able to extend their focused attention when they return to work with added motivation from the fuel they’ve gained.

Here are some simple ways to teach, practice, and promote the essential brain break.

Talk about the Brain Break during a regular (non-frustrating) homework time.

Or if homework is consistently frustrating, then pick a non-homework time to talk about how to take brain breaks.

Brainstorm ideas.

See if you can come up with a few ideas together. What can your child do when taking a brain break? You might ask: “ What makes you feel better or gives you comfort when you’re feeling frustrated? ” You can share some restorative ideas like walking outside and breathing in the fresh air, doing some jumping jacks or a yoga pose, getting a drink of water, or visiting a favorite stuffed friend. For young children, imitate your favorite animal. Hop like a bunny or jump from limb to limb like a squirrel. For older children, listen to your favorite song or play on a musical instrument. Have your child write or draw their ideas. Keep that paper in your homework location so that when it’s needed, you can remind your child to take a look at what ideas she’s had and pick one. Daniel Goleman’s book entitled “ Focus; The Hidden Driver of Excellence ” recommends getting outside in nature as one of the most restorative (and just stepping outside your front door counts!). He also writes that checking email, surfing the web, or playing video games are not restorative so avoid those when you are generating brain break ideas.

Discuss school brain breaks.

Yes, brain breaks are key at school too. But does your child’s teacher offer them? Even if they do, they are likely structured breaks for all students and may not serve your own child’s needs at the moment she has them. Help her learn self-management skills by figuring out what she can do in the midst of frustrating moments when she is sitting at her desk completing a worksheet or taking a test. Because mindfulness simply means becoming aware of your body and your thoughts and feelings (and holding compassion for those feelings – not judgement), it can be done anywhere. Your child could count to ten slowly while breathing deeply. Your child could tap each finger on her page individually while breathing noticing the touching sensation. She could wiggle each toe in her shoes noticing how that feels. These pauses can help her bring her focus back to her work.

Set a timer.

Brain breaks should not be long. After all, your child has work to accomplish and especially on school nights, time is limited. So allow enough time to move away and change the perspective but not so much time that your child gets involved in another activity. One to three minutes could be enough to accomplish that goal. Also, put your child in charge of the timer. You don’t want to be the one managing this break. Give your child that responsibility.

Do a dry run.

Practice is important before using it. Include deep breathing in your practice. For young children, try out hot chocolate breathing or teddy bear breathing to practice this important part of the break. For older children, you can merely count to ten while breathing or exaggerate the sound of your deep breathing together. Call “ brain break. ” Move away from work, breathe deeply, and try out your child’s idea for one restorative practice. This practice will ensure that she is well-rehearsed and can call upon that memory when she’s feeling frustrated and taken over by her flight or fight survival brain.

Notice, remind, and reinforce through reflection.

After you’ve generated ideas and practiced, then notice when you see your child getting frustrated. You might say, “ I notice you have a frustrated look on your face. Would a brain break help ?” Then after she does a brain break and her homework is complete, reflect. “ Did that help you and how did it help you? ” in order to maximize her learning.

For parents, teaching and promoting brain breaks with your child can serve as a helpful reminder to us. Yes, we also require brain breaks as we deal with a myriad of responsibilities and attempt to use focused attention with our child, as well as our work, as well as our household and social responsibilities. If you notice you are feeling overloaded with it all, how can you incorporate brain breaks into your own day to help you become more effective? I think I’ll take one…right now.

For Educators, check out this great article on Edutopia on how to incorporate brain breaks and other focusing activities into your daily classroom routines.

Brain Breaks and Focused Attention Practices

References:

Goleman, D. (2013). Focus; The hidden driven of excellence . NY: Harper Collins.

Kim et al. (2018). Daily micro-breaks and job performance: General work engagement as a cross-level moderator. Journal of Applied Psychology. 103 (7) 772-786.

Originally published on February 17, 2019.

11 Comments on “Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…”

Thanks for your share. There are as many ways to learn as there are people. Since college, I found methods for learning that reduced after school study time from 20 hours to nearly none. As a teacher, I shared some of these ideas, but encouraged the kids to find what works for them. They could use what I shared, try it, but find what works for them. Here’s what I shared: As the teacher lectures, read the book/text (splitting attention for high functioning students), or read the book soon after the lecture (which I gave time). I would take notes as the teacher talked, but also summarize paragraphs as I read (like one or two phrases each). I also got into the habit of drawing pictures to explain each page (main point). Now, this sounds complex, but it isn’t, all happening at the same time. She lectures, I’m reading and listening: listening for the main points. As I’m reading, I’m summarizing paragraphs and drawing pictures so I can visualize what is happening. At home, all I do is read the notes and look at the pictures, while it’s fresh, to review. Never had to study for tests except to review the notes and think about them. The students who understood this improved in grades. I taught them to learn through understanding, not memorization. Understand and all the pieces fit. Some kids used aspects of this, borrowing, but including their own ideas. The main thing is to understand as you go.

Wow! Thank you sincerely for sharing how you study and advise others! This is so excellent. I really appreciate how you incorporate multiple ways of grappling with the material as you are learning it – summarizing, drawing pictures. These are terrific study methods. I think this is a blog article of the future since very few schools actually take the time to teach study skills. Are you a parent too? My criteria for writing an guest article is that you are a parent (of an 0-18 year old in your household) and have experience/expertise in child development or social and emotional development. If you are interested and fit that criteria, I hope you’ll email me at [email protected] . Thanks for the excellent comment! Best, Jennifer

You’re not going to beleive me when I explain. I was married once, but no children. However, as a teacher, I gathered that if I didn’t have my own children, the work of teaching would be worth the time. But, I think, my friends and family would tell you they think I’m unusual. I’m not. I simply wanted to understand learning and how best to learn, since I hated school while growing up and looked for easier ways. I’ll share something, and people can read my site for other articles (Those articles aren’t the most popular, because writing seems to block the communication that happens in person.). This was when I trained a horse. I had learned some riding in college, then helped people learn beginning riding in summer camp. But I had never trained a horse. **One day, while at work, a friend told me of another friend who was looking for someone to train his 2/3 year old thoroughbred horse. It had never been trained, never been saddled: basically, it was a pet. So, I told him I could train the horse. He didn’t ask if I had ever trained a horse, just if I could. Of course I could. Had no idea what was going to happen. I read one book on the horse whisperer and one magazine about horse training tips. I thought about horses. I knew I liked them, been around them while learning riding, so I figured all would be good. Then, I thought about what training might look like, visualized lessons, wrote down ideas, then went one step at a time. Met the horse, with the owner. Got to know the horse. Two weeks later, we could walk, trot, cantor, gallop, walk backwards, and open gates while sitting on the horse. But we were a partnership. I just listened to what the horse was telling me. This isn’t hard. It’s just all too many of us have been educated out of our common sense. We’ve lost that innate knowing that children have. When I teach, I try to support what children already have, teaching them to trust themselves, but they must do the work. Hope this helps.

Oh my goodness! I love it! I love your example of training a horse and how you learned what you could be then and then deep dove into a partnership of learning with the horse. That’s beautiful! That is how we all learn, isn’t it? It’s just that we adults seem to run into many fears and barriers as we attempt to let go of some of the control while we allow for our learning partner to try and take chances and experiment. It’s a dance for sure. I also love that you hated school but loved figuring out how learning takes place and how you could do it in a way that your students actually derived joy from the experience. Just wonderful! Thank you for writing! You have a whole lot of wisdom to share! Glad you are blogging about it! Please keep in touch. Best, Jennifer

By the way, Jennifer, you’re one of the reasons I keep trying to encourage others to see how easy learning is.

Thank for that comment! I appreciate it. I too am a student of learning and think we can gain a whole lot from learning from our children!

Good ideas. L,M >

Hi Jennifer, Brain break tricks you shared are really helpful for parents , teachers and students as well. Not every time one can go for vacation or on a trip. Many parents feel helpless when they see kids struggling with their work. I am sure if they document such tips and tricks and go through it every if and then, then it would be more helpful for them. ‘Deep breath’ technique is really wonderful for elders as well, it calms and fresh you up with in minutes. School and tuition teachers also need to learn and use such tactics to involve kids in better way. Thanks for sharing.

Zayden, I agree! Breaks and teaching coping strategies can be such empowering tools for parents as they support learning at home. Appreciate your feedback! 🙂 Jennifer

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Q: Homework Triggers Epic Tantrums from My Child

Sometimes, the mere thought of buckling down for homework after a long day of school is enough to invite meltdowns and anguish from students with adhd and executive function challenges. you know they are tired and worn out, but still the work must be done — and without nightly terrors. try these tricks to defuse the situation..

Q: “Many nights, my son falls apart at the mere mention of homework. Or, he convinces himself an assignment is too difficult and gives up – after a major meltdown. He doesn’t want to get a zero for not completing work, but is completely blocked emotionally. He feels like he’s too stupid. How can I help him recover after an emotional breakdown?”

When a child suffers a meltdown at 7pm, we as parents focus on getting through the meltdown. But what we need to do is rewind the day back to 8am, and think of all of the things that led to this point. Where is the break down beginning? What is leading us to this point? Typically these major tantrums don’t happen out of the blue.

Homework doesn’t start when your child sits down to do homework. It starts when he first walks into his first class of the day. Does he hear what the teacher had to say? Does he have his homework from the night before? Does he even know what is being asked of him? Does he need some systems and strategies in place to refuel his executive functions after depleting them all day at school?

My son had a similar issue. He was explosive about getting homework done. Here are a couple things that worked for us:

[ Free Download: How Well Does Your Teen Regulate Emotions? ]

Play “I Spy” and focus on what is getting in the way of your child’s work . Is it using Twitter during homework time? Or difficulty sustaining effort?
Engage your child in the process of getting started . While you are having a snack after school, ask, “What’s your plan?” Or, “What are your priorities for tonight?” This can prepare his brain for what’s next for the evening without nagging him.
Make it easy to get started . I tried to make things as simple as possible to avoid overwhelm. A sheet of 20 or 30 problems – even if they were simple computations – would put my son into a tailspin. Instead, I would put out one math problem or one vocabulary word at the beginning just to get the ball rolling. Remove barriers to entry by starting small and simple. If your child gets stuck, ask, “What’s your first step?” This can help dial back the overwhelm.
Stop distractions and procrastination . I would sit in the room with my son while he worked. I wasn’t communicating, or helping after he got started, just being there – doing something else, and sometimes re-directing him back to work. Act like a force field to keep your child focused and anchored to whatever task he’s trying to complete.
Get moving . Grab the flashcards and take the dog out for a walk. Ask them as you move around the neighborhood. By the time you get home, the assignment is complete, but it didn’t feel like studying . Do math problems with sidewalk chalk – anything to break up the emotion of the moment.

Not every strategy works for every student – throw a few things against the wall and see what sticks. This advice came from “ Getting It Done: Tips and Tools to Help Your Child Start — and Finish — Homework ,” an ADDitude webinar lead by Leslie Josel in September 2018 that is now available for free replay.

Do you have a question for ADDitude’s Dear Teen Parenting Coach? Submit your question or challenge here.

The opinions and suggestions presented above are intended for your general knowledge only and are not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your own or your child’s condition.

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3 Things to Do When Your Kid Cries over Homework

“Noooo… I can’t do it. I don’t have the time!!”

Have you heard this from your child when she sits down to do homework? My gosh, it wrecks me.

I can feel her overwhelm. What can I do but jump in and try to help?

“It’s ok sweetie, let’s write down all the things you have to do to get it out of your head.”

“NO!” she pouts back, “That won’t help. I don’t know any of this and I have to get started now.”

What do you do with that?

You see the problem, you know the steps to take to fix it and yet your child pushes you away like you couldn’t possibly know what she’s talking about or what she’s dealing with.

I have a feeling its what our parents used to think about us.

Homework can become one neverending nightmare. What do we do when our kids struggle with it and yet refuse our help?

Second, we need to prepare with a great response.

Read : How to Stay Calm and Win the Homework Battle

#1 We step back.

Kids want autonomy. They want control over their lives.

Sometimes our well-meaning suggestions threaten that sense of control – especially as they get older.

FYI: This post contains affiliate links to products I love and recommend. It costs you nothing extra if you purchase through my link, but I may get a small commission .

In her book Untangled: Guiding Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, Ph.D. tells the story of a girl Trina, whose mom tried to control her homework. Well-meaning mom would stand over Trina making sure every problem was answered and correct.

Well, Trina did her homework. But then, she refused to turn it in.

Only after Trina’s mom stepped back from homework to make it truly her daughter’s responsibility did Trina start turning in assignments.

Read: How to stop the homework fight even if your kid outright refuses to work

How to step back effectively

How did she do this? She offered her help, but then tied Trina’s grades to the level of maturity she showed. The more maturity she showed by her participation in school, the more privileges she had outside of it.

This consequence makes sense because 1) Trina’s parents needed to know they could trust her and 2) They truly wanted Trina to succeed. It wasn’t punitive but rather a stepping stool to growing up.

With homework, we can offer our help but then we need to step back when our kids refuse to take it.

#2 We can’t reason with emotions

When I don’t want to do something—like, really don’t want to do something—I get emotional. You may do it, too. If you ever want to cry just thinking about doing all the dishes piling up in the sink, this will speak to you.

We’re stressed. We’re overwhelmed. It’s a natural reaction and some people are better handling it than others.

Our kids get this way, too. After all the after-school activities and demands on their time, kids get understandably tired.

Kendra, a mom from Chandler, Arizona, says this is exactly how her son reacts to homework. She explains that, “if he’s mad and tired, he’s writing mad and tired.”

When our kids cry and look miserable, it triggers a huge protective instinct in us parents. We hate seeing them this way and think of any way we can make it better. Sometimes that means giving in and releasing them from homework for the night; or maybe it means you’re by their side as their personal cheerleader – cheering them through math, one painful equation at a time.

“C’mon you can do it. Just one more. Just one more.”

I release you from that responsibility. Not only does it stress you out, but your kiddo can feel your stress as well.

When emotions get high…

Instead, take a break. There is no reason that kids need to power through homework in elementary school and middle school.

Is your kid overwhelmed? Take the homework away.

One of two things will happen:

Either they’ll keep crying and break down further which gives you the chance to swoop in and give some serious cuddling.
Or they’ll stop the crying to get their homework back.

When this happens, you know that the tantrum was manipulative. It was to get something out of you, whether it was the answers or your step-by-step coaching.

#3 We need to teach kids to motivate themselves

We ‘re all forced to do unpleasant tasks (hello, pooper scoop in the backyard!) And yet, by the time we’re adults, we know how to push through those less-than-desirable tasks to achieve the results we’re after.

Read: The Four Skills Kids Must Master in Elementary School Homework

In fact, this is a necessary qualification to be successful. If success were all fun, everyone would get there.

We must treat homework the same.

Those twenty math facts need to be practiced.
Those spelling words you don’t know how to spell need to be written.
That math worksheet you’re scared of: the quicker you’re into it, the quicker you’re out.

As a parent, we don’t have the time or energy to be a constant cheerleader to our kids.

And, even if we did, it wouldn’t serve them in the long run.

That’s OK because I’ll teach you strategies that you can then teach your children on how to motivate themselves through difficult (and boring) assignments.

The Answer to Homework Hell

When our kids complain through nightly homework, it digs into us. I’m hesitant to say it causes us physical pain, but it kind of does.

However, by stepping back, not trying to reason with emotions and teaching our kids how to motivate themselves, we will see improvement.

Our kids will fight us less.

Homework time will be less of a dreaded task.

If homework is a struggle and you need support as a parent, go get my book Drama Free Homework: A Parent’s Guide to Eliminating Homework Battles and Raising Focused Kids. In it, I walk you through creating a homework routine that’s right for your family.

Want me to PERSONALLY teach your child the necessary homework skills? Then, Homework 911 is for you.

CEO/Founder at No Guilt Mom

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7 Warning Signs Your Child Is Struggling in School

Zigy Kaluzny/Getty Images

Something isn't right; lately your child seems less than enthusiastic about school. They appear withdrawn and have started complaining about an upset stomach every Sunday evening. But are they struggling in school or could it be something else?

The key to getting to the root of the issue is open communication and knowing how to identify school struggles early. The longer it takes for a student to get the help they need, especially if it is school-related, the more lost they become. After all, school learning continues forward even if your child is lagging behind, which only makes the problem worse.

Unfortunately, children and teens aren't always forthcoming about their struggles or school performance, especially if they are embarrassed or they feel anxious . It is essential that you know how to recognize the signs that your child is struggling, so you can intervene. The earlier you do, the better it is for your child, especially if you can help them before their struggles become a pattern.

Why Kids Sometimes Struggle

There are a number of different issues that can cause a child to struggle in school, including social challenges, academic issues, or even unrecognized physical, learning, or mental health problems, says Hailey Shafir, LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS , a mental health and addiction specialist with Keep Counsel in Raleigh, North Carolina.

" Bullying and peer relationships are a more common source of school problems in tweens and teens, but learning disorders , mental, or physical health issues can affect kids of all ages," Shafir says. "If the behavioral or academic problems are new, the cause may be related to a change in circumstances, including problems at home, a traumatic event, or something upsetting that happened with a teacher or another student."

Common Causes for Academic Struggles

Shafir says that many issues, both in school and out, can result in difficulty at school. These might include learning or developmental disorders or mental health conditions like anxiety, social anxiety, or depression. Kids who are ill, who have difficulty sleeping, or who are experiencing stress or trauma at home may all struggle academically.

At school, kids who feel targeted by a teacher or have a poor relationship with a teacher, or who are experiencing bullying or problems with peer relationships, may have difficulty keeping up with lessons or understanding the material.

Signs Your Child May Be Struggling

When kids struggle in school, the stress and anxiety of the situation typically follows them home. You may notice changes in behavior as well as physical complaints. They may even refuse to go to school. Or, they may spend hours on homework only to give up in frustration and neglect to turn in assignments or do the required reading.

It is also not uncommon for kids to become withdrawn, less talkative, or not as vivacious as they used to be, says Lydia A. Antonatos , LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor in Florida. You may also notice that they are not seeking out activities they used to enjoy or they are spending too much time on the phone or playing video games, she says. While every child is different, there are some red flags that can indicate that a kid needs help.

Refuses to Discuss School

When your child suddenly doesn't want to tell you about what they are learning in school or how their school day went, it can be a signal that something is not right at school. This is especially true if they were usually open and chatty in the past.

While it is important to respect your child's personal boundaries and not force them to talk about things before they are ready, you also do not want to ignore this warning sign. Try to get involved in your child's day-to-day school life in ways that do not require them to answer specific questions. For instance, Antonatos encourages parents to set time aside on a daily basis to check in.

"Look over their school assignments or any forms that need to be signed, help with homework and so on," she says. "This keeps you in the loop and allows you to get some idea as to how your child is performing or interacting in school and can help you detect any issues that may arise so you can intervene early on."

Experiences a Change in Attitude About School

If your child previously had a positive attitude about school, but has become distant or angry about school, you can bet they do not like how things are going. Either they are struggling with their studies, having relational issues, or both.

Another big attitude shift to watch for is boredom . Often kids will complain they are bored when they don't understand what is going on at school.

When your child says they are bored, it is important to look a little deeper to find the cause. It may be that they already know the material being taught in a particular unit—but they also may not know how to articulate that they are confused or lost.

"Children who internalize also might shut down, withdraw, and isolate themselves," Shafir says. "Parents may notice they’re spending less time with friends, have less interest in doing activities they enjoy, or suddenly want to drop out of a sport or other activity they’ve done for years."

Displays Physical Symptoms

Whether your child is having issues sleeping, experiencing changes in eating patterns, or is complaining of pain, they could be struggling in school. For instance, problems sleeping or eating often result from worry, especially if they know they aren't keeping up with the class on their school work.

"It’s more common for younger children to report physical symptoms when they are experiencing stress or anxiety," says Shafir. "They may complain of headaches or stomachaches, or describe that they feel sick. Little kids often don’t have the language or understanding of emotions or how to describe them, which is why they often describe symptoms in their body."

Young children also want to please the adults in their lives and may worry that, if they aren't doing well in school, these adults will be upset with them. Older children and teens may be well aware of the overall importance of school to their futures and concerned about their future success if they start to fall behind. Both scenarios can lead to physical complaints.

Spends Excessive Time on Homework

If your child is falling into a pattern of having little to no free time outside of school because they are spending all their time on homework, this could be a sign of an issue. A child should be spending roughly 10 minutes per grade level on homework each school night (so 20 minutes in second grade , 30 minutes in third grade , and so on).

But homework policies vary tremendously among teachers and schools. It is important to realize that some teachers give out more homework and some give out far less. So be familiar with the teachers' homework policies.

If your fifth grader has a teacher who believes in giving no more than 15 minutes worth of homework each night, and your child is spending 50 minutes, then they are struggling to get the work done, even though they are technically aligned with the 10-minutes-per-grade-level rule.

Likewise, if your high school student spends an hour each night working on homework for a dual credit math course, they may be in line with the teachers' policies. If you are familiar with the teacher's homework policy, you can take steps to help your child if they start to struggle.

Receives Poor Reports From Teacher

Sometimes it is easy to dismiss what a teacher says about your child, especially if what they are telling you is different than what you believe to be true about your child. But remember, your child's teacher is teaching a classroom full of students the same material.

If your child's teacher believes that your child is struggling more than other students, pay attention. Letting you know about a change in your child's academic progress is the teacher's way of giving you the chance to address any problems.

Teachers usually have some suggestions in mind about what they think might help, too.

If the teacher doesn't volunteer suggestions, they may be waiting for you to ask what help is available. Of course, this is a dialogue, so you have some input on how to address your child's struggles.

The teacher's thoughts and ideas combined with everything else you know about your child will give you some direction. Develop a plan of action that incorporates the teacher's suggestions along with things that you know have worked in the past with your child.

"Whatever a child is struggling with, there are usually resources that can help," Antonatos says. "The school may be able to coordinate having your child tested via different types of assessments and evaluations that can help detect or rule out academic or psychological deficiencies. In addition, schools often have tutoring programs and guidance counselors that can help your child."

Misbehaves at School

Sometimes misbehavior at school is really your child's way of trying to take attention off the fact they are struggling with their work. Children (and teens, too) often lack many of the skills needed to speak up and specifically say what it is they are having trouble with.

After all, they are still growing and developing, and working on learning important social skills. Until then, they may act out if they feel frustrated or upset rather than asking for help.

"Children who are between the ages of 8 and 11 often exhibit behavioral problems when they’re struggling at school, which can manifest as aggression, outbursts, or defiant behavior," Shafir says. "Warning signs in teens can include [the same things] as well as more serious behavioral problems like getting into fights, using substances, skipping classes, or getting suspended from school."

If your child is usually well behaved and suddenly begins to have behavior problems at school, take a look not only at what is happening in their social world but also their academic world as well.

Receives Low Grades

Dropping grades is a common indicator that your child is struggling. Yet, sometimes parents feel that bad grades simply mean that their child just isn't applying themselves and that they will outgrow it. While an occasional poor grade may not be cause for serious concern, a pattern of low grades—or worse, a report card full of poor grades —is a sign of a problem.

Do not fall into the pattern of denial that low grades are not a problem for your child. Make sure you understand all of the information on the report card, and come up with a plan to help your child. Something is keeping them from succeeding and it's your job as their parent to help them discover what that is.

How You Can Help

When your child is struggling—whether it is with schoolwork, a peer problem, or something else—it is important for you to be compassionate, empathetic, and understanding. Your child needs you to advocate for them, to help them solve their problem, and to rebuild their self-esteem.

Be a Good Listener

Take the time to talk to your child about what they are experiencing and truly listen to what they have to say. "Building and maintaining an emotionally safe and validating environment can make communication a little smoother," says Antonatos.

"Your child will likely reach out to you when [they] feel at ease and know [they] will be heard and not judged or scolded. This opens the lines of communication for your child to talk about [their] struggles either at school or otherwise and gives you the opportunity to gather information that can in turn help you help your child."

Look for Practical Solutions

Knowing you are there to support them and that you love them unconditionally goes a long way in easing some of the stress and anxiety your child may be experiencing. It's also important to provide practical support and work with the teacher to create a plan. These tools help set them up for success and can keep them on track.

"Close communication between parents and teachers is one of the best ways to know how your child is doing in school, and can help parents identify potential problems early on," Shafir says. "Sometimes, these can be easily addressed by creating more structure or routine, like limiting screen time or making a rule to do homework before other things."

Seek Professional Help

If you suspect your child is struggling because of a learning or developmental disorder, it is important to get a psychological evaluation done, Shafir says. She recommends requesting this evaluation directly from your child's school.

"It's the best way to get an IEP in place, [which] is a plan that can help provide certain accommodations to help your child succeed, like more time for assignments and a separate room for test-taking," she says.

When to Call a Healthcare Provider

Whether your child is complaining about stomachaches and headaches, or displays signs of depression and anxiety , it is important to talk to their pediatrician about their symptoms. Having this conversation early on is especially important if your child's symptoms or their struggles in school are interfering with their day-to-day life. A medical professional can help get to the root of the issue or make a referral if one is needed.

A Word From Verywell

The support, encouragement, and advocacy you provide when your child struggles in school can make a huge difference in getting them back on track. While it is understandable to worry when they struggle, remember that learning how to overcome difficulties is a valuable life lesson.

The sooner you intervene and get your child they help that they need, the sooner the stress and anxiety they are experiencing will subside. Make use of the school's resources and reach out to your child's pediatrician or a mental health professional for assistance. By being both patient and diligent—as well as getting the right types of intervention—you can steer your child back on to the path to learning.

Nett UE, Daschmann EC, Goetz T, Stupnisky RH. How accurately can parents judge their children's boredom in school? . Front Psychol . 2016;7:770. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00770

Weiner CL, Meredith Elkins R, Pincus D, Comer J. Anxiety sensitivity and sleep-related problems in anxious youth . J Anxiety Disord . 2015;32:66‐72. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2015.03.009

National Education Association. Research spotlight on homework: NEA reviews of the research on best practices in education .

Absoud M, Wake H, Ziriat M, Hassiotis A. Managing challenging behaviour in children with possible learning disability . BMJ . 2019;365:l1663. doi:10.1136/bmj.l1663

Byrd RS. School failure: Assessment, intervention, and prevention in primary pediatric care . Pediatr Rev . 2005;26(7):233‐243. doi:10.1542/pir.26-7-233

By Lisa Linnell-Olsen Lisa Linnell-Olsen has worked as a support staff educator, and is well-versed in issues of education policy and parenting issues.

5 things to say when your child says, “I hate homework!”

by: The GreatSchools Editorial Team | Updated: February 27, 2023

Print article

5 things to say when your child says, "I hate homework!"

Honestly, it’s hard to argue when your child say they hate homework. But how can parents respond in a way that’s helpful, builds your parent-child bond, and reinforces the idea that your child’s education and learning are hugely important? We asked the experts to weigh in.

5 ways to respond to “I hate homework!”

“i hear you.”, “we’re in this together.”.

“Often times, parents go negative,” observes America’s Supernanny Deborah Tillman. “The child says, ‘I’m not doing my homework!’ The parent says, ‘Yes you are doing your homework!’ Then it’s back-and-forth and arguing.”

Tillman says you want to motivate your child, but you also want to make sure they understand that you’re not going to engage in a battle over homework.

“How about a snack?”

Especially when a child is having trouble with it, homework is often difficult or boring, says Christine Carter, child development expert and author of Raising Happiness . And homework time often takes place when kids are wiped out and grumpy. “You have to do homework at the end of the day when all of your self-control is depleted or your willpower is depleted. So it’s asking something very difficult of children, especially younger ones,” she says. “To reinstate that self-control, your blood sugar level needs to be rising.”

“Tell it to the teacher.”

“break it down.”.

In Bird by Bird , the writer Anne Lamott famously describes her 10-year-old brother’s despair at having left a big homework project — a report on birds — until the last minute.

“…he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.’”

Lamott took a lesson for writing from her dad’s wise words, but there’s a lesson for parents there, too. “Kids experience a lot of fear and stress doing big projects,” says Diane Divecha, development psychologist and research affiliate of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.

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What to Do When You Feel Sad

When you're in a sad mood, it can seem like it will last forever. But most of the time, sad feelings don't last very long.

Everyone feels sad sometimes. It’s good to know how to help yourself feel better when you’re ready. So here are some things every kid should know:

You can deal with sad things when they happen.
A positive attitude helps you figure out how to feel better.
When you’re sad, it helps to tell someone how you feel.
You can do things to help yourself feel better.
If you feel depressed (you feel really sad or the sadness doesn’t go away), you should talk to an adult so they can help you.

How Can I Cope When Sad Things Happen?

Lots of things can make kids feel sad . They might be big things or small things. Sometimes kids feel sad because they have a problem at home, at school, or with a friend. Maybe they got in trouble with their parent or someone called them a name at school. Sometimes kids feel sad and can’t figure out why.

Most of the time, it helps to:

Name how you feel. Just tell yourself (or someone else) that you feel sad. “I’m feeling sad.” Simple, right? Naming a feeling can help you figure out why you feel that way. If you can, name that too: “I’m feeling sad because my team lost.” But don’t dwell on it too long.

Know you’re not alone. When you’re sad, try not to get upset with yourself. There's a reason you feel the way you do. “We lost — and I really wanted us to win. Now we can’t go to playoffs.” It’s natural to feel sad when something doesn’t work out as you hoped. “I guess other kids feel sad when they lose a big game. My teammates probably feel sad too. ” Be kind and patient with yourself. Your sadness will pass, and you'll feel better.

Take a few calm belly breaths . It can help to let yourself just feel sad for a few minutes. While you’re doing that, take a few easy, slow, calm breaths. Close your eyes if you want. Let your belly expand when you breathe in. Let your belly get flat when you breathe all the air out. Notice how you feel after you take three or four calm, slow breaths like this. Maybe some of your sadness has floated away.

Keep a can-do attitude . When things don't go your way, don't give up. Tell yourself, “Oh well. It didn’t work out this time. There's always next time.” Don’t blame yourself. Give yourself credit for trying. Then focus on what you need to work on. Get ready to try again.

What Else Can I Do to Feel Better?

If you tried those things, you might already feel better. But here are more things that can help when you’re feeling sad:

Get support. Tell someone how you feel. You could tell a parent, a teacher, or a friend. They can listen to how you feel. After they listen, they might say, “No wonder you feel that way, I see why you feel sad.” It helps to know they understand.

Sometimes, that’s all you need to start feeling better. Other times, you want to talk more about your feelings. Talking about how you feel helps you get ready to feel better.

Think about good things. When you’re ready to feel better, think of a few good things. Was there something good in your day? Was someone kind? Did something go well? You can think of other good things, too. Like your favorite books, games, or shows. Think of the people, places, or pets you love. Write some good things down, say them out loud, or draw them. Even if you’re not in the mood to do this, try it anyway. It’s hard to stay sad when you’re thinking about good things.

Get active or make something. Shake off a sad mood by doing things that put you in a brighter mood. Play a game or sport, ride a bike, dance or run. Take a walk, make art or music. Spend time with someone you like. Have some fun and feel better.

Learning to cope with sad feelings takes practice. But it helps you make room for more positive feelings.

What If I Feel Depressed?

Some sad feelings go on for too long, hurt too deeply, and make it hard to enjoy things. This deep sadness is called depression. People of any age can feel depressed — even kids.

Kids might feel depressed if they have been sad or lonely for a long time, or if they have had a lot of tough things happen. Kids might feel depressed if they are apart from people they love. Or if their family is going through hard times. Or if a loved one has died.

Kids who feel depressed may need extra help to feel better. If you feel depressed, or if you have sad feelings that won't go away, talk about it with an adult you trust . You could tell a parent, relative, doctor, teacher, counselor, or coach. They can make sure you get the help you need to feel better.

Some kids talk to a therapist when they have sad feelings that are hard to cope with. A therapist is someone who listens to kids talk about feelings (and sometimes plays, too!). Therapists can help kids find ways to solve a problem or give them new things to try to feel better. Many adults and kids talk to therapists and feel that it helps.

There is always somebody to talk to when you are sad or depressed. Most kids feel better when someone else knows what they are going through. The other person can do things to make the situation better, too.

It helps to talk about what's wrong, but be sure to talk together about good things, too. Paying attention to the good stuff (especially during sad times) can make you feel more hopeful and more interested in doing things that help you feel better.

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

By janet lehman, msw.

For many parents, getting their kids to do their homework is a nightly struggle. Some kids refuse to do their homework. Others claim that they don’t have homework, but then the report card comes out, and you realize that their work was not being done.

So why is homework time so difficult? In my opinion, one of the major reasons is that it’s hard for kids to focus at home. Look at it this way: when your child is in school, they’re in a classroom where there aren’t a lot of distractions. The learning is structured and organized, and all the students are focusing on the same thing.

But when your child comes home, their brain clicks over to “free time” mode. In their mind, home is a place to relax, have a snack, listen to music, and play video games. Kids simply don’t view the home as the place to do schoolwork.

If the homework struggles you experience are part of a larger pattern of acting out behavior, then the child is resisting to get power over you. They intend to do what they want to do when they want to do it, and homework just becomes another battlefield. And, as on any other battlefield, parents can use tactics that succeed or tactics that fail.

Regardless of why your child won’t do their homework, know that fighting over it is a losing proposition for both of you. You will end up frustrated, angry, and exhausted, and your child will have found yet another way to push your buttons. And, even worse, they will wind up hating school and hating learning.

A major part of getting your child to do their homework lies in establishing a system so that your child comes to see that homework is just a regular part of home life. Once they accept that, you’ve already won half the battle. Accordingly, my first few tips are around setting up this system. If you get the system right, things tend to fall into place.

Put this system in place with your child at a time when things are calm and going well rather than during the heat of an argument. Tell your child that you’re going to try something different starting next week with homework that will make it go better for everyone. Then explain the system.

You’ll find that this system will make your life easier as a parent, will make you more effective as a parent, and will help your child to get the work done. And when your child gets their work done, they’re more likely to succeed, and nothing drives motivation more than success.

Structure the Evening for Homework

When your kids come home, there should be a structure and a schedule set up each night. I recommend that you write this up and post it on the refrigerator or in some central location in the house. Kids need to know that there is a time to eat, a time to do homework, and also that there is free time. And remember, free time starts after homework is done.

Homework time should be a quiet time in your whole house. Siblings shouldn’t be in the next room watching TV or playing video games. The whole idea is to eliminate distractions. The message to your child is, “You’re not going to do anything anyway, so you might as well do your homework.”

Even if your child doesn’t have homework some nights, homework time should still mean no phone and no electronics. Instead, your child can read a book or a magazine in their room or work on longer-term assignments. Consistently adhering to the homework time structure is important to instill the homework habit.

Start the Evening Homework Habit When Your Kids are Young

If your children are younger and they don’t get homework yet, set aside quiet time each evening where your child can read or do some type of learning. Doing so will help children understand that evening quiet and study time is a part of everyday home life, just like chores. This habit will pay off when the real homework begins.

Use a Public Place for Homework

For a lot of kids, sending them to their rooms to do their homework is a mistake. Many children need your presence to stay focused and disciplined. And they need to be away from the stuff in their rooms that can distract them.

You know your child best. If you think they’re not being productive in their room, then insist they work at the kitchen table or in some other room where you can monitor them and where there will be fewer distractions.

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If they do homework in their room, the door to the room should be open, and you should check in from time to time. No text messaging, no fooling around. Take the phone and laptop away and eliminate electronics from the room during study time. In short, you want to get rid of all the temptations and distractions.

Give Breaks During Homework Time

Many kids get tired halfway through homework time, and that’s when they start acting up. If your child is doing an hour of homework, have them take a 5-minute break every half-hour so that they can get up, have a snack, and stretch their legs. But don’t allow electronics during the break—electronics are just too distracting.

Monitor the break and ensure that your child gets back to work promptly.

Be sure to encourage your child when they’re discouraged. It’s okay to say things like:

“I know it’s a drag, but think of this—when you get your work done, the rest of the night is yours.”

“Look, if you do your work all week, you’ll have the whole weekend to do what you want.”

Show your child empathy—how many of us truly enjoyed homework every night? It’s work, pure and simple. But your child will be encouraged when they begin to have success with their work.

Help Your Child Get Started With Their Homework

Some kids have a hard time getting assignments started. They may be overwhelmed or unsure where to begin. Or the work may seem too difficult.

There’s a concept I explain in The Total Transformation® child behavior program called hurdle help . If you have a child who has a hard time getting started, spend the first five minutes with them to get them over the first couple of hurdles. Perhaps help them with the first math problem or make sure they understand the assignment.

For many kids who are slow starters, hurdle help is very effective. This doesn’t mean you are doing their homework for them—this is simply extra help designed to get them going on their own.

Help Your Child Manage Long-Term Assignments

If your child has a big, long-term project, then you want to work with them to estimate how much time it’s going to take. Then your child has to work within that time frame. So if your child has a science project, help them manage and structure their time. For instance, if the project is due in 30 days, ask them:

“How much time are you going to spend on it each night?”

They might say, “15 minutes a night,” and you hold them to that.

Don’t assume that your child knows how to manage their time effectively. As adults, we sometimes take for granted the habits we have spent a lifetime developing and forget that our kids are not there yet.

Make Sunday Night a School Night

The way that I structure the weekend is that Sunday night is a school night, not Friday. So if your child has homework for the weekend, and as long as they’re done all their work for the past week, they get Friday and Saturday night off and can do their homework on Sunday night.

If there’s a project or something big to do over the weekend, then work with your child to budget their time. They may have to put some time in on Saturday or Sunday during the day. But other than that, your child should have the weekend off too, just like adults do.

The Weekend Doesn’t Begin Until Overdue Work Is Done

If your child has overdue homework, their weekend shouldn’t begin until those assignments are done. In other words, Friday night is a homework night if their week’s work is not complete.

Believe me, this is a highly effective consequence for kids because it creates a great incentive to get their work done. Indeed, each minute they’re doing homework is a minute they could be hanging out with friends or playing video games.

If you can hold to this rule once and deal with the complaining, then next week the homework will be done.

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By the way, if they say they can’t do their homework because they didn’t bring their school books home, they should be grounded for the weekend. You can say:

“I don’t want to hear that you can’t do it because you don’t have your books. You’d better call around and find a friend who you can borrow them from. Otherwise, you’ll be staying in this weekend.”

Make Homework a Higher Priority Than Activities

Kids are involved in a lot of after school activities these days. I understand that. But my priority has always been “homework comes first.”

In my opinion, if the homework isn’t done on Monday, then your child shouldn’t go to football on Tuesday. It’s fine if he misses a practice or two. You can say:

“Here’s the deal. We’re not going to football today. You need to get your work done first.”

If your child says, “Well, if I miss a practice, I’m going to get thrown off the team,” You can say:

“Well, then make sure your work is complete. Otherwise, you’re not going to practice. That’s all there is to it.”

I personally don’t put football, soccer, or any other extracurricular activities above homework and home responsibilities. I don’t believe parents should be going from soccer to karate to basketball with their kids while homework and school responsibilities are being neglected.

Use Rewards for Schoolwork, Not Bribes

Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. Nevertheless, it’s important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering an incentive for getting good grades. For instance, my son knew that he would get a certain reward for his performance if he got all B’s or above. The reward was an incentive to do well.

One of the shortcuts we take as parents is to bribe our kids rather than rewarding them for performance. It can be a subtle difference. A reward is something that is given after an achievement. A bribe is something you give your child after negotiating with them over something that is already a responsibility.

If you bribe your child to do their homework or to do anything else that is an expected responsibility, then your child will come to expect something extra just for behaving appropriately. Bribes undermine your parental authority as kids learn that they can get things from you by threatening bad behavior. Bribes put your child in charge of you.

The appropriate parental response to not meeting a responsibility is a consequence, not a bribe. A bribe says, “If you do your homework, I will extend your curfew by an hour.” In contrast, a consequence says, “If you don’t do your homework, you’re grounded until it’s finished.” Never bribe your kids to do what they’re expected to do.

Use Effective Consequences

When giving consequences, be sure they’re effective consequences. What makes an effective consequence? An effective consequence motivates your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be successful.

An effective consequence looks like this:

“If you fall below a B average, then you can no longer study in your room and must study at the kitchen table until you get your average back to a B.”

For the child who prefers to study in their room, this is an effective consequence.

Another effective consequence would be the following:

“If you choose not to study during the scheduled time, you will lose your electronics for the night. Tomorrow, you’ll get another chance to use them.”

And the next day, your child gets to try again to earn the privilege of electronics. Short-term consequences like this are very effective. Just don’t take away this privilege for more than a day as your child will have no incentive to do better the next time.

For more on consequences, read the article on how to give effective consequences to your child .

Be Prepared to Let Your Child Fail

Failure should be an option, and sometimes you just have to let your child fail . Parents often do their kids a disservice when they shield them from the consequences of their actions. If your child chooses not to study enough and they get a failing grade, that’s the natural consequence for their behavior. And they should experience the discomfort that results from their behavior.

Let me be clear. If you interfere and try to get your child’s teacher to change their grade, your child will learn the wrong lesson. Your child will learn that if they screw up enough, Mom and Dad will take care of them. And they don’t learn their math or science or whatever it is they failed.

To be sure, failing is a hard lesson, but it’s the right lesson when your child fails. And it’s not the end of the world. In fact, for many kids, it’s what turns them around.

Don’t Fight with Your Child Over Homework

Don’t get sucked into arguments with your child about homework. Make it very clear that if they don’t do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child:

“Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.”

Say this in a supportive way with a smile on your face. Again, it’s important not to get sucked into fights with your child. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. If your child refuses to do his or her work, then calmly give the consequence that you established for not doing homework.

Also, trying to convince your child that grades are important is a losing battle. You can’t make your child take school as seriously as you do. The truth is, they don’t typically think that way. To get your child to do homework, focus on their behavior, not their motivation. Rather than giving a lecture, just maintain the system that enables them to get their work done. Often, the motivation comes after the child has had a taste of success, and this system sets them up for that success.

Stay Calm When Helping Your Child With Their Homework

It’s important to be calm when helping your child with their homework. Don’t argue about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and won’t help them get the work done. It’s better to walk away than it is to engage in an argument, even when you’re just trying to be helpful.

For couples, it may be that one of you is more patient and acceptable to your child. Let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. And don’t take it personally if it isn’t you.

Remember, if you can’t stay calm when helping your child, or if you find that your help is making the situation worse, then it’s better not to help at all. Find someone else or talk to the teacher about how your child can get the help they need. And try not to blame your child for the frustration that you feel.

It’s Your Child’s Homework, Not Yours

Remember that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself; your job is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s job to do their assignments. And it’s the teacher’s job to grade them.

Know the Teachers and the Assignments

Build good relationships with your child’s teachers. Meet with the teachers at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationships with your child’s teachers will pay off if your child begins to have problems.

And if your child does have problems, then communicate with their teachers weekly. If they’re not handing in their work on time, ask the teachers to send you any assignments that they didn’t get done each week. Many schools have assignments available online, which is a big help for parents. Just don’t rely on your child to give you accurate information. Find out for yourself.

The bottom line is that you want to hold your child accountable for doing their work, and you can only do that if you know what the work is. If you keep yourself informed, then you won’t be surprised when report cards come out.

Work with your child on a system to keep track of assignments. I recommend an old-fashioned paper calendar simply because we already have too many distracting electronics in our lives—experiment and use what works best for your child.

Finally, try to see your child’s teachers as your allies. In my experience, most teachers are dedicated and caring, but I realize that this isn’t always the case. So, for your child’s sake, do your best to find a way to work with their teachers.

If You Think Your Child Might Have a Learning Disability

Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may struggle. If your child is having an especially hard time, talk with their teacher. Ask if it’s typical for your child to be struggling in this area.

In some cases, the teacher may recommend testing to see if your child has a learning disability. While this can be hard to hear as a parent, it’s important to find out so that you can make the necessary adjustments.

If it turns out that your child does have a learning disability, then you want to get an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) set up with the school.

Most kids don’t enjoy homework, and for some, it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders.

I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It was overwhelming at times. Often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed.

Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work feel unending at times. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility. But even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives, and our expectations to make sure our son did his homework as expected.

Life would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down, and dug into their homework without being asked. This is hardly the case, though. Therefore, you need to set up a system that is right for your child, and it’s going to be easier for some kids than for others.

We’re trying to raise our kids to be responsible and accountable for their homework. And we’re trying to avoid fighting with them over it every night. When I had parents in my office, I would take these concepts and show them how they could make it work for their families in their own homes. The families I worked with were able to turn the nightly homework struggle around successfully time and time again.

Related content: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

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About Janet Lehman, MSW

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program , The Complete Guide To Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ .

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Hello, my grandson recently moved with me from another state. He is currently in 8th grade (but should be in 9th). He basically failed the last 2 years and was promoted. I would say he is at a 6th grade level. It's a daily fight with him to do his homework. He won't even try. I know a lot of this is because no one has ever made him do his homework before. I thought he would just have to get in a routine of doing it. He's been in school for a month now and its a fight every single day after school. I have lost all the patience I had. I am tired of being a broken record and being the "bad guy". I don't want to give up on him and send him back to his mom, where I know he will never graduate. I have made so many sacrifices to get him here, but I am literally at my wits end with this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

My rule is homework after school. If he comes home and does his homework after school, it was easier for him to complete. That lasted a week and a half. Now, he just sits there and does nothing. Does anyone have any suggestions? I couldn't live with myself if I sent him back and he became nothing but a drop out. I know I am not one to have patience, and I am trying but at the same time, I am almost over it. I don't like going to bed crying and knowing that he is crying too. I am open to all suggestions. Please and thank you.

I'm so sorry you are facing these struggles with your grandson. We here from many caregivers in similar situations, so you're not alone in your frustration. We have several articles that offer helpful tips for managing these homework struggles, which can be found here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/school-homework/

We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.

Jessicar Thank you for this article and strategies. I echo many of the frustrations expressed by other parents here, including my opinion (as an educator) that homework should not exist. I agree that teachers and parents are in a struggle about which adult is responsible for supporting the child in getting More homework done. The best thing for my son was a free "homework club" in fourth and fifth grade where a teacher monitored completion of homework. He has nothing like this in middle school so far. Where I really disagree with the article is about extracurricular activities. Kids need physical activity through sports! They need enrichment beyond academics through the arts, theater, music. Many families send their children to religious, language, and/or cultural programs after school. If I sat in school all day, I'd want to move my body and interact with others too. The solution is not removing extracurricular activities that are healthy or motivating or valued. The solution is for schools to limit homework. Given that there is still homework as a reality--I'd like advice on when to have child do homework AFTER sports or extracurricular activity. When is the best time for homework if the goal is to go to bed on time (in my house in bed around 9 pm)? Between extracurricular and dinner--when the kid is tired? After dinner? My child is in 7th grade and I still can't figure it out. What do others do/think?

I found school to be extremely boring, as a teen. Looking back I realize that I hadn't found the work challenging enough. Personally, I struggled with this all through high school. I was completely disinterested in school, as a result.

I noticed that there wasn't a section addressing situations where children, who are motivated by challenges, do poorly as a result of boredom.

I enjoy reading many of the articles; even those which don't necessarily apply to my current situations with my child. One never knows what obstacles or challenges one may come across. Thank you

Here's what I know. Correcting our children when their behavior is displeasing is what most parents focus on. Without a lot of explanation I'm going to try to get you to change your focus. All children have 4 emotional needs:

1. A sense of belonging

2. A sense of personal power

3. To be heard and understood

4. Limits and boundaries

Rather than focus on your child's behavior, focus on meeting these needs. Meet the needs, change the behavior. There a 25 ways to meet these needs. One of the most effective is to spend regular one-on-one time with your child doing what your child wants to do. How do you spell love? T-I-M-E. It seems counter-intuitive, but just try it for a week. Do this for 1/2 hour every day for a week. See what happens.

Frustrated Confused Parent, I went through similar challenges with my son when he was in high school. As a grade school student his grades were always B and higher. The changes began when his mother and I separated; my son was 12yo. Prior to our separation I was the one who maintained, and enforced the habit of completing his assignments before extracurricular activities could be enjoyed. His mother never felt she had the patience or intelligence to assist him with his homework assignments and upon our separation she completely ignored his school work. Although he continued to follow the structure I had established through grade school, he soon began to realize that no one was showing interest any longer and, thus, began shirking school related responsibilities. My son and I were, and still are, close. I am certain that the separation likely had some affect on him, but it was more than that. He was reaching his teens and becoming more self-aware. Friends began to play a more integral and influential part in his life. Unfortunately my son's grades began slipping as he reached his early teens. For me, this was extremely frustrating since I was aware of how intelligent he was and of what he was capable. After many aggravating, lengthy, heated, and unyielding conversations with his mother about maintaining the structure established through grade school, it became clear she was incapable or simply unwilling. Essentially, he was on his own. Of course I would do whatever I could to help. For starters, I facilitated a transfer to a Charter School, realizing that he needed more individualized attention than that which a public school could provide. It seemed as though he was getting 'lost in the shuffle'.

Unfortunately the damage had already been done. After two years under his mother's lack of tutelage my son had developed some poor habits.

He struggled with maintaining good grades throughout his high school career. By 'maintaining good grades' I mean that he would take a grading of 45 in math and bring it to a 70 within three weeks of the end of a marking period. He ALWAYS passed, though. He would somehow get his grades to or even above passing by the end of the period. As I began to see this, I began to have more faith knowing that when the going got tough he would step up and take charge. It also indicated that he did well with what might perceive as an impossible goal. So, I started to have faith that he'd find his way.

He has since graduated, he has a good-paying job, and he is beginning school to become an electrician within the next month or so. In two weeks he moves into his own apartment, also. He's never done drugs, never drank alcohol, and never started smoking cigarettes. All of which I have done as a teen and well into my adult years. I am in recovery. My son is aware of my own struggles. Most importantly, I believe, is that he has a complete understanding that we all struggle in our own ways. Working through the difficulties, challenges, and obstacles are what makes us stronger and it's our compassion for others, and ourselves, which help us grow into decent adults.

I came to realize that the 'grades' he received in school had nothing to do with the amazing adult he's become; it was literally everything else.

NanaRound2 My 6 year old grandson has just taken 2 hours to write a list and write 3 sentences. He thinks if the words were shorter it wouldn't take so long. Already went through this with his dad. I celebrated more than he did when he graduated. Can't drag More another kid through school. Losing my mind and like the previous comment have tried EVERYTHING.

Yeah -been there, done that. Doesn't work. At least not for my child. I've read every *actual* parenting book out there ( You know, the books publishes by Harvard & Stanford professors who've been studying parenting and child psychology for the past 30 years?) ... and you're all missing something - because I've tried it all.

My kid DGAF. This was almost painful to read. "oh, yup - tried that one. That one too. Oh, hey - I've tried that as well."

This is so frustrating; tell me something I haven't already tried 50 times.

Psych Fan I'm with you my sophomore son DGAF . I tried so much stuff even set time stuff and he just doesn't go get his work out. He's 5'9 so I am 5'1 and I can't move him to do stuff . All he does is debate with me that More Grades really don't matter that he's like I'm just going to get D's because I'm not going to care to do better because I do not like school. He doesn't understand why I don't approve of D grades because I know he has better potential but he's like D grades I will pass and get my diploma .

The first thing on the list is to try and stay calm. While doing homework with my children I'm usually very calm. When I do get frustrated I'll leave the room for a moment, wash my face, and take a few deep breaths until I calm down. Or I'll make hot chocolate to help calm my nerves. It's not a perfect system, but what is?

Number two is to set clear expectations around homework time and responsibilities. We have a standard homework time at our house, with a timer and everything. If our kids meet the homework time goal they'll be rewarded later in the evening with family time. Each of our kids know their roles and responsibilities in the house whether the work gets done before dinner or not.

Number three is a relationship with the teachers, each of whom e-mail us, some two or three times a day. Contact with them has never been better. They're teachers are all pretty awesome too.

Number Four, play the parental role most useful to your child...I have three kids. One needs no help at all, one needs minor help and advisement, while the third requires constant supervision or their e-mail might 'accidentally' open up. This we've provided through double teaming. One parent works with them until the other gets home, then they switch while the other goes to make dinner.

Five, keep activities similar with all your kids. We all live on the same schedule, if one of them finishes homework early they get the reward of extra quiet reading time-my kids are ALL book worms.

Six, Set up a structured time and place for homework. Done. Homework table with a supplies basket right in the middle of the room. Big enough for all of them to work at and then some, it's an octagonal table which my husband built. I also always have their 'homework snacks' waiting for them when they get home, and I usually try to make it healthy-even if they don't realize it.

Seven, start early. My kids have been doing 'homework' with me since they were babies, and (as I pointed out to them yesterday) they loved it. We'd learn about cooking, dinosaurs, amphibians, insects, math, English, chemistry, even the periodic table came up. We'd do work pages every day and they'd love it.

Eight, hurdle help, works in area's like math, but not so much with history or English when the problems aren't as straight forward. But we do use this method where it applies.

Nine, choose the best person for the job. I'm best at English and my husband at math. When I get stuck on math I know who to go to, and I'll even study in my spare time to get better at it so I can be more useful in case he has to work late. That being said, we both devote a lot of our time to helping our kids with their homework.

Ten, show empathy and support. Done, not only can I relate to my kids, but I've pointed out that not getting their work done will make them feel bad bad enough, and that that's why we should work on getting it done together, so they have something to be proud of.

Use positive reinforcement and incentives. :) There was this one time I sat my son down at a table with a work book about 400 pages long. He was young, not even in school yet. Next to the book I placed a giant bag of M&Ms. I told him for every page he got done, he could have one m&m. About ten minutes later he finished the workbook and grinned up at me. When I found out he'd finished the book, I quickly checked it to see if it was done well, and then pushed the bag of M&M's towards him and told him he could just have it...Now they get rewarded in video games and computer time...

It seems that according to this article I'm doing everything right...So why is my child still struggling with homework/classwork? They've literally just refused to do it. Have seriously just sat in their chair without saying a word and stared at the table, or desk, or screen- as the majority of work is now done on computers...I'll sit with them, ask them if they need help, try to help them with problems. They will tell me the right answer to the questions being asked and then refuse to write it down. I feel like I've done everything I can as a parent to help them, but despite all my efforts, it isn't working. So...when all of these things fail, when a parent has done everything right, and there is nothing more they can do short of taking the pen or pencil into their own hands and doing it themselves, (but that would be cheating their child out of an education) what then should the parents do?

When our kids don't get their homework done before dinner, they're sent down the hall where it's quiet so they can finish it at the desk there, while the other kids have family time. They are told to come and get us if they really need help after that. But at this point it's like ostracizing our child for not doing homework.

I agree with most of what's on this page, and our family lifestyle reflects that, but I will disagree with one thing it said. It is our job to help our kids and be supportive of them yes, to nurture them and help them get the skills they need to take care of themselves and their home when they're older...but it is not our job to do the teachers work for them, they get paid for that. Some days it seems like that's what's expected of parents. Some even send home classwork if the kids don't finish it in class. Which means the child now has even more work to do on top of their homework. Though I understand that the teachers want the child to finish the lesson, and were the homework not a factor I probably wouldn't mind it as much. I don't even mind them sending home study guides to help kids before tests (Which is what homework was originally) but to send home overwhelming piles of work each night for parents to help kids with, (Each child with different homework so that parents need to bounce from history, to math to English) it's unreasonable. When teachers send home homework, they're dictating what the parents can do with the little time they have with their child. Which is wrong. We once had to cancel a trip to a science museum because our child had too much homework to finish and there was no way to make it in time and get their homework done. They could have had an amazing educational experience which would overall help them get excited about learning with new and fun tactile experiences, but their schedule (and therefore our schedule) was being dictated by the teacher while they weren't even in class. Of course I try not to talk bad about homework in front of my children, because that would make it even more difficult to get them to do it. But children NEED family time, they NEED to be kids. To be allowed to get away from their work and be themselves, to go outside and play with their friends, or even go out to dinner once in a while with their parents. Homework has made it difficult to grow a relationship with our children beyond the confines of what the teachers are dictating. It's violating in some ways and frustrating in others. It's grown into this monstrous thing which it was never meant to become, and the funny part about it is that most studies done on it show that schools who don't have homework have higher test scores and graduation rates. Not to mention better mental health rates. Studies also show, that after a child is taught something, they'll only really learn it after a good nights sleep, and that no amount of homework will change that. Sleep is what our bodies need to absorb important information we learn throughout the day, so staying up late with homework might even be harmful to a child's education...

Sorry I guess that turned into a bit of a rant...In the end I was hoping to find something useful in this article, something I hadn't tried that might work, but I've done it all, and will probably continue to do all of it in hopes that consistency might be the key...It's just that even after years of already doing All of this consistently, it's still not working. It's as if my child has made a conscious decision Not to work. He's not unintelligent, he understands it, he's even been tested and found to have an above average ability to learn. He just not doing it..So what now? What more can I do to actually inspire him to do the work?

AshumSmashum Out of all of this, most of which I've read and tried a billion times, your comment hit deeper. My son scores in the 99% on tests but cannot sit down and do the simplest homework. He does have autism and adhd so when he freezes up on homework, despite More knowing it, I'm lost at how to help him get it done. He knows the work so why does he need to show it with 20 math problems after school that take forever to complete one? (whatever honors algebra stuff he's in, I was lucky to learn division lol) He has a high IQ and excels in all subjects and yet is being tutored, so far, in English just to get the work done. I'm so done with the emotional toll it takes on me and him at home. Nobody wants to go to work for 8 hours and come home and do the same for another 5 so why do we think our kids want to come home and do more classwork? I'm so appreciative of your comment!

JC Hi Barb, thank you for bringing this up! My son sounds a lot like you...and he really wants to get good grades and go to an Ivy League school. What could someone do to help an 8th grader in the moment of struggle, while making sure they don't get more More anxious from falling behind for the rest of the year?

Tb Hi Barb, I'm the parent of an 8th grader and I want to thank you for the comment you left here. You helped me look at the deeper issues and I really appreciate that. I'm going to approach the conversation with my son differently, thanks to you. Thank More you!

My 11 year old daughter, Alice, has always helped her 7 year old sister, Chole, with homework. But just recently Alice has been giving Chole the wrong answers. We have been trying to get her to give Chole the correct answers

but she always yells at us. She has a baby sister 2 months named Ray and ever since Ray was born she has been giving Chole wrong answers. I once overheard her and Kevin, my husband, talking about how she felt left out. She came and talked to me and said exactly what she had told Kevin. She also told me she has been getting bad grades and doesn't get her homework. Me and Alice talked and she said "All the cool New York girls get straight A's and ever since I started getting D's and F's they said I wasn't cool anymore." We started having her grandparents come over and she would yell, hit, scream, and talk back to them. She is a great student but she spends all of her time on her phone. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even at school she is on her phone. All I'm asking is that 1. How do I make her stop screaming, yelling, hitting, and back talking? 2. How do I make her feel cool and get A's again?and 3. How do I get her off her phone?

sounds like you have a number of concerns around your daughter’s behavior, and

it certainly can feel overwhelming. We would suggest https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/its-never-too-late-7-ways-to-start-parenting-more-effectively/ and focusing on just one or two of the most serious, to get

started. Behaviors like verbal or physical abuse would be of top priority,

while behaviors like https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-walk-away-from-a-fight-with-your-child-why-its-harder-than-you-think/ we would recommend ignoring, and not giving it any power or control.

Empowering Parents author Sara Bean offers some great insight into the reason

for poor child behavior in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/.It sounds like your daughter is struggling to

find more effective ways to solve the problems she is facing, and the result is

the acting out behavior. Keep in mind, you can’t make your daughter do anything, but what you can do is help her to

learn better tools to solve whatever problems may come her way. Best of luck to

you and your family as you continue to work on this.

Emma Reed Alice also swears at school and she swears to teachers. Please we have tried everything, even her sister at age 18. What have we done wrong?

Being away from loved ones when they are struggling can be

distressing. It may help to know that it’s not unusual to see changes in

behavior as kids move from the tweens into adolescence, as Janet Lehman

explains in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/adolescent-behavior-changes-is-your-child-embarrassed-by-you/. Normally responsible

kids can start to push back against meeting expectations and disrespect towards

parents and other authority figures can become quite common. The behavior you

describe isn’t OK; it is normal though. I can hear how much you want to help

your daughter and granddaughter

work through these challenges. If your daughter is open to it, you could share

some Empowering Parents articles with her, such as the one above and this one, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you writing in. Best of luck to you and your family moving

forward. Take care.

mphyvr Thanks for all these "strategies", they might work for some parents, but quite simplistic and just plain old common sense for more defiant kids... Thanks anyways and hope this article helps many.

Psych Fan I'm a mom of a sophomore he's also a swearing boy and will have quite a tantrum even with consequences of take away all he does is sleep. He doesn't like school says school is a waste of time and that grades won't matter in his adulthood . He says More it over n over about how schooling won't help him in the future as I go it will help you do good on a ACT and SAT he is like getting good scores on those are only good if your going to college. He also is like jobs won't look at my grades . I tell him homework teaches him responsibility once a job sees your amount of effort in school your going to have a heck of time getting hired. I even ask him how is he going to succeed to work real well at a job when he doesn't work hard at school he goes I don't need to work hard at school but I will need to work hard at a job.

dcastillo68 If it was only this simple, but, in reality it is not. Middle school syndrome is the worst. Kids don't want to be labeled as nerds so they do everything to try to fail. I went through that with my first born, and now again with my youngest. It is More very frustrating when I was the total opposite when I was growing up. I cared about my grades an I took it for granted thinking they will feel the same way. Now seeing how they are happy with just getting by is really frustrating to me because I am such an over achiever. They didn't even get an ounce of this. Very very frustrating. And I wish I have never invited video games to this household. That is all they want to do. I keep using this an incentive to bring them back on track, but as soon as I give them their games back, they are back to their old habits. Sorry, but I can't wait until they are finished with school and hopefully moving out of state to hopefully a college career. I may change my mind later, but at the moment, this is just how I feel. It is very hard too when you don't get any help. I find today's teacher to be lazy and pushing on more responsibility to the parents. Who has time to do a full day's of work, only to do additional work at home? okay, enough venting.

@frustrated single dad Diane Lewis Hi there - I have a son adopted out of foster care. He is 6 1/2 and has been in 5 homes. He is totally the same! They learn this behavior and are incredibly manipulative. They are so insanely smart. I worry about exactly the same thing. They turn on and off the behavior depending on who they are with and what they want.

We did Parent Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) at the Mailman Center (Jackson Hospital Miami). It made a huge difference in the short-term. They basically taught us to be full-time behavioral therapists with my son. The effects wore off after a few months as my son adapted and found ways to circumvent the consequences techniques taught to us. He is like the Borg! I am going back to get more ideas on how to adapt and change and stay one step ahead of my son. The gals there are really smart!

So, that being said - we have to be Jean Luc Picard and constantly change and adapt and outsmart them - just like changing the phasers on a laser gun! It is bloody hard work. And, harder the older they get -

eg. He drops like a dead weight - throws his book bag and will not get in the car to go to school - response - next morning I headed it off by calling out to the kids "LAST ONE IN THE CAR IS A ROTTEN EGG!" This has worked for 2 days now.

Wont do homework 2 nights ago - response - "ooh I like doing word puzzles - Im going to do them and win" - this worked one night but not the next - he just then just left me to do his work - so I have told his teacher that there will be no school party for Alex next week unless he gets his homework finished - we will see if this works.....

It is totally exhausting and you have to be on your A game all the time. Im telling you this but - I have to tell myself this too. We have to stay really fit (like cross fit) and work out like a marine. We have to be very disciplined with ourselves - a healthy body is a healthy mind - we cannot let up at all. We have to stay calm at all times (again self discipline).

Im always looking for concrete reactions to situations with my son. Like I said - the entire day goes on like this with everything except what he wants to do. Wont get dressed in the morning - put out his clothes in dining room where there are no distractions or toys - tell him that if he gets dressed and ready for school quickly - he can spend the left over time on the trampoline. That worked this morning.

STAY STRONG MY BROTHER IN ARMS!!! If you can get into a PCIT program - do it.

Love to you - R

My child comes home and says he doesn't have homework, does something easy to make it look like he's doing his homework, or says he did it during free time in class. How do you combat this without going to the school everyday? Neither my husband nor I can do More this because of work, and the we asked the teacher's if it was possible to send us the assignments via email or let us come pick them up once a week with no cooperation. He is a very smart kid and gets "A's' on the work he does, but he is failing all of his core classes because he won't do homework.

@atmywitsend , my child is the same way. I'm at my wits end. I feel like I'm a failure as a parent because I thought I taught my smart kid to succeed - and instead she's lying to me.

Psych Fan NinaMays I'm with the same feelings as my son can be above a C student but he choose to go oh I rather just get F's on this work than to actually get at least a B or A on these many assignments.. I ask him why he chooses F's More in many assignments when he could get a grade to bring his grades up and me telling me he's not being his full potential as by making him not do his work how can I truly believe he's going to be successful and he's like I have big brains . Then I'm like why not show me by doing your school work he goes I don't need do that and I show you of my big brains by telling you school isn't important. Telling me I am brainwashed. He is a sophomore in high school.

FRUSTRATED PARENT NinaMays This is my reality too - "relationship" with teachers is difficult when they won't co-operate with homework expectations, or follow up email - the schools complain that kids are on the internet - yet its them providing wifi passwords - so kids are playing in class - lying about More homework - and since I'm not in the class, I have no idea until report cards surface.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
2. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
3. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
4. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
5. When Your Child Has Problems at School: 6 Tips for Parents
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How this Iowan, one of the few Black male teachers, builds community in his classroom

Editor's note: Kenny Gaskin first told this story on stage at the Des Moines Storytellers Project's "Community." The Des Moines Storytellers Project is a series of storytelling events in which community members work with Register journalists to tell true, first-person stories live on stage. An edited version appears below.

Back in 2003, in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, fifth-grade me lived a carefree life like most kids. I went to school, did homework and played tons of neighborhood games.

Unlike most kids, I loved school. I was “the sad kid” on snow days.

I learned for the sake of learning. Though, it helped that I had some incentive to get good grades. My stepdad gave me $25 for every A I got. And, I got straight As all throughout elementary school.

In class, we’d do science projects, play games and read books like “Hatchet” and “The Box Car Children.”

Even as the quiet kid, I felt like I belonged, and I think everyone else did too. I don’t know if it was my academic performance or me just being me, but my teacher made me feel special. I got special trinkets, helped her out a lot and got to sit at the teacher's desk often. One girl even called me a “glory hogger” because of the praise and attention I received.

One day, near the end of that fifth grade year, I remember my teacher Mrs. Leighton looking at me and saying something along the lines of “you’re going to be someone in this world.” Those words stuck with me, especially as the quiet kid. I spent the next few years in tune with the school community.

Fast forward to January 2008, and my younger brother and I boarded a Martz bus with my dad, who lived in Iowa, for a permanent move to Bettendorf. This was the only option for us after my mom’s relationship with her boyfriend turned south. Here I was in a totally new community. A whiter community. It was a culture shock.

I felt a bit out of place. I was always a quiet kid, but I didn’t really fit in with the majority white school. I deliberately distanced myself from some of my Black peers.

I saw myself through the eyes of the white majority and couldn’t be myself. I dressed a certain way, never used profanity, stayed quiet, and had zero interest in drugs or alcohol. I might have been depressed.

My family didn’t have a lot, but I was determined to find belonging and break the cycle of poverty that so many Black and brown families endure in America.

When it came time to think about college, I questioned what my future had in store for me — what community I’d belong to during and after college. I wondered who I’d spend time with, what I would do with my life.

You see, role models for kids like me mostly consisted of athletes, entertainers and civil rights icons. I looked up to people like Martin Luther King Jr., NBA player Kevin Garnett and several rappers. I never had a Black teacher or personally knew any Black professionals.

Fewer than 2% of all of our country’s teachers are Black men.

And I am now part of that count.

About eight years ago, I became an elementary school teacher in Des Moines Public Schools.

I got a long-term substitute teaching position in April 2016. I never asked what happened to the classroom teacher. I was just happy to have a class to call my own for a while. As I took over the fourth-grade class, all I heard were: “Good luck!” and “You sure you want to do this?”

I just smiled and nodded.

Right away on that first day, I realized this might be a challenge. Students were fighting, destroying things, swearing, screaming, daydreaming. You name it. Seven of the 24 students had behavior goals.

Thankfully, the admin supported the room with one to two additional staff members who rotated in and out every hour until we got a handle on things. They co-taught with me, but the main responsibility was creating a positive culture, a strong classroom community.

When it came to teaching, I connected lessons to the students’ lives and maintained a sense of my patience and understanding self as opposed to coming in there like Ms. Trunchbull from “Matilda.”

We rebuilt that community through one-on-one conversations, whole class recess games, lunch with students, literature circles and fictional writing. We got the room on track for the most part.

I went into my first official year teaching fifth grade knowing a lot more about community building in a classroom. I was vulnerable in speaking about the challenges of my upbringing. We talked about real stuff — things like adoption, race and the 2016 election. We talked about fun stuff like video games, slime-making and Pokémon. We also did fun things like bottle flipping, science experiments and the "Mannequin Challenge."

And yes, I taught the mandated reading and math lessons by the book. It was clear to me that I had a lot to learn about teaching despite decent test scores. Throughout all the ups and downs, I believe we had a strong classroom community.

Being a Black man in a field dominated by white women isn’t easy. I’ve always questioned what colleagues and parents were thinking. I felt pressure to trust my colleagues’ words even when I disagreed with something. For example, I couldn’t muster up the strength to say something when they suggested skipping slavery lessons in Social Studies one year.

I’ve grown accustomed to microaggressions — to not receive eye contact during conversations. I felt the need to look and sound professional in dress pants and dress shirts. I froze when someone angrily demanded my students stand for the pledge even though the law says we can’t force them to.

Despite these things, I believe I’ve always felt a high level of community or purpose with my colleagues, students and families.

I also see the benefits of being a positive Black role model when working with kids. I can be sure that my approach is unlike most they’ve seen. I’ve been middle class. I’ve been poor. I’ve lived in single-parent households and two-parent households. I’ve been discriminated against, witnessed domestic violence and had incarcerated family members.

Community is vital for kids with similar experiences.

My second year roster was diverse in several ways, but I often heard students joking about their differences without realizing how hurtful they were being. A dark-skinned girl whose family immigrated from Africa would get teased about her skin tone.

I made sure to be there for her and remind her that Black is beautiful. I remember handing her Sharon Flake’s award-winning book called “Skin I’m In.” She looked just like the girl on the cover and thought reading it would help her become more comfortable in her skin, just as the main character, Maleeka, did.

You should have seen the smile on her face. She even asked for it as her “promotion” book that fifth-graders received on the last day. Just like my fifth-grade teacher made me feel special, I was able to help that little girl feel a sense of belonging.

Large class sizes, personal struggles and COVID really affected the middle of my career, but I've enjoyed building with students these last few years.

Despite the pay, systemic changes, and proposed changes within the profession, relationships with colleagues, students and families make it easy to go into work each day.

I was reminded of the characteristics and impact of my community after reading a sub note when I was out two months ago. She said I had a wonderful group who looked out for one another. That she can tell students appreciate my calm and affirming teaching style. To keep doing what I'm doing because it’s having a positive impact — and that she'd welcome the opportunity to come back, which is unheard of these days.

My first group of students are high school seniors now. I've run into some of them and gotten emails from others. They have shared with me how fifth grade was their favorite year. How I supported them in staying true to themselves and being leaders. One student is pursuing journalism while another is doing missionary work outside the U.S.

Early on, I was determined to find purpose and community in my career for my well-being. But as the years go on and society becomes more polarized, that focus has shifted to ensuring my students feel like they belong and believe they can do anything.

I can’t imagine any other career or any other community to be a part of. That shy, quiet, Black boy grew up and found his community in a place that fails so many regardless of race. My classroom is a home away from home.

I’m thankful for the colleagues, parents, and 20 to 25 9- and 10-year-olds that I get to share it with every year. I find comfort in knowing that I’m a part of something committed to improving society.

Students won’t remember what I taught them, but I hope they remember how I made them feel. How I urged them to value education and how they can do anything. I hope they find their place in the world and contribute to their communities as I did.

ABOUT THE STORYTELLER: Kenny Gaskin is a fourth-grade teacher in Des Moines. He has a bachelor’s from the University of Iowa and a master’s from Drake University. His favorite people are his wife and two kids. Kenny enjoys learning new things, reading, video games, and playing recreational sports.

Become a teller

The Des Moines Storytellers Project strongly believes that everyone HAS a story and everyone CAN tell it. None of the storytellers who take our stage are professionals. They are your neighbors, friends or co-workers, and they are coached to tell by Register journalists.

Want to tell your story at one of our upcoming Storytellers Project events? Read our guidelines and submit a story at DesMoinesRegister.com/Tell .

Contact [email protected] for more information.

Hear past storytellers

WATCH: Mediacom rebroadcasts stories from the most recent show on MC22 periodically; check local listings for times. A replay is also available at YouTube.com/DMRegister .

LISTEN: Check out the Des Moines Storytellers Project podcast, which is available on your favorite podcasting platforms.

Your subscription makes work like this possible. Subscribe today at DesMoinesRegister.com/Deal .

IMAGES

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Lets Do Homework!! 📔 📚 #Funny English for Kids! #shorts #school
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Grwm to do homework 📚 #sad #school #homework
‘It’s OK for kids to feel sad’: Experts encourage parents to talk to kids about missing

COMMENTS

Homework anxiety: Why it happens and how to help
Use a calm voice. When kids feel anxious about homework, they might get angry, yell, or cry. Avoid matching their tone of voice. Take a deep breath and keep your voice steady and calm. Let them know you're there for them. Sometimes kids just don't want to do homework. They complain, procrastinate, or rush through the work so they can do ...
Surviving Homework Struggles: A Compassionate Guide for Parents
Written by Dr Lucy Russell DClinPsyc CPsychol AFBPsS. Author: Dr Lucy Russell, Clinical Psychologist. You're not the only parent to dread those regular homework struggles. The sighs, the eye-rolling, the frustration or procrastination. Perhaps anxiety and tears. It's a scene replayed in many homes. But take heart, and there are ways to ...
Homework Emotions in Children and Parents
Most often, what motivates a child to do his or her homework (or a parent to oversee it) are negative emotions. Negative emotions, like distress, fear, anger, disgust, and shame, will motivate a ...
How to Deal with Homework Frustration As a Parent
3. Have someone else help them. If your child continues to get frustrated and/or you find yourself unable to help or stay calm yourself, find someone else who may be able to help instead. Sometimes, your child may feel pressure to impress you, or may otherwise worry more about their homework more when working with you.
Helping Your Child With Depression Succeed in School
Creating a homework routine will get your child into the habit of putting their work in the same place, ready to return to school. This reduces the need for your child to think and remember where they put their work, reducing the amount of thinking they have to do to get their work done.
Homework Struggles May Not Be a Behavior Problem
ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, depression, dysregulation, and a range of other neurodevelopmental and mental health challenges cause numerous ...
Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…
Your child could count to ten slowly while breathing deeply. Your child could tap each finger on her page individually while breathing noticing the touching sensation. She could wiggle each toe in her shoes noticing how that feels. These pauses can help her bring her focus back to her work.
When Your Child Has Nightly Homework Tantrums
Q: Homework Triggers Epic Tantrums from My Child. Sometimes, the mere thought of buckling down for homework after a long day of school is enough to invite meltdowns and anguish from students with ADHD and executive function challenges. You know they are tired and worn out, but still the work must be done — and without nightly terrors.
Is Your Child Depressed? 6 Ways to Help Them Cope Kids and Depression
For everyone else, one of the most important treatments for depression is to get the person up off their butt to do the dishes, make the bed, take a shower. It doesn't have to be done in a harsh manner, but you should be firm. If your child can't handle a complex task, give them simple ones, but keep them busy.
An Age-By-Age Guide to Helping Kids Manage Homework
Third to fifth grades. Many children will be able to do homework independently in grades 3-5. Even then, their ability to focus and follow through may vary from day to day. "Most children are ...
3 Things to Do When Your Kid Cries over Homework
In her book Untangled: Guiding Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, Ph.D. tells the story of a girl Trina, whose mom tried to control her homework. Well-meaning mom would stand over Trina making sure every problem was answered and correct. Well, Trina did her homework. But then, she refused to turn it in.
3 Tips for Getting Your Angry, Anxious Kid to Actually Do Their Homework
2. Limit the time spent on homework. For kids and teens who tend towards anxiety and perfectionism, you'll also want to set limits, making sure that they don't keep doing homework past a certain point in the night, and helping to train them that perfect is the enemy of good. Encourage them to approach essays as first drafts, but only allow ...
Why some kids fall apart after school
It's common for kids to fall apart when they come home from school. Home may feel like a safe place to let it all out. Kids can learn coping skills to deal with school stress. It's not uncommon: A child goes to school in a good mood, seems perfectly fine all day, and then comes home and falls apart. Yelling, whining, crying — it's like ...
7 Warning Signs Your Child Is Struggling in School
"Close communication between parents and teachers is one of the best ways to know how your child is doing in school, and can help parents identify potential problems early on," Shafir says. "Sometimes, these can be easily addressed by creating more structure or routine, like limiting screen time or making a rule to do homework before other things."
5 things to say when your child says, "I hate homework!"
The parent says, 'Yes you are doing your homework!'. Then it's back-and-forth and arguing.". Tillman says you want to motivate your child, but you also want to make sure they understand that you're not going to engage in a battle over homework. "What I do is: homework time for the whole family. Everybody's going to do something.
What to Do When You Feel Sad (for Kids)
While you're doing that, take a few easy, slow, calm breaths. Close your eyes if you want. Let your belly expand when you breathe in. Let your belly get flat when you breathe all the air out. Notice how you feel after you take three or four calm, slow breaths like this. Maybe some of your sadness has floated away.
My Child Refuses To Do Homework
Don't get sucked into arguments with your child about homework. Make it very clear that if they don't do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child: "Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.".
1,582 Sad Child Homework Stock Photos & High-Res Pictures
Browse Getty Images' premium collection of high-quality, authentic Sad Child Homework stock photos, royalty-free images, and pictures. Sad Child Homework stock photos are available in a variety of sizes and formats to fit your needs.
Cartoon Kid Doing Homework royalty-free images
Bored kid doing homework or sitting on boring school lesson. Tired and sad student girl child vector illustration. Children workplace for study. Back to school concept. study hard. Student boy sitting at home office desk, doing school homework, surfing internet on desktop computer. Kids room with swiveling rolling chair, wooden table, lamp & bin.
Child Homework Pictures, Images and Stock Photos
sad child homework; helping child homework; woman and child homework; father and child homework; parent child homework computer; dad and child homework; child homework scandinavia; child homework desk; ... Child doing homework and writing story essay. Elementary or primary school class. Closeup of hands and colorful pencils Child doing homework ...
Cartoon Of A Kid Doing Homework stock illustrations
Browse 9,100+ cartoon of a kid doing homework stock illustrations and vector graphics available royalty-free, or start a new search to explore more great stock images and ... Little boy overwhelmed with homework sitting sad at school desk with books and textbooks Little boy overwhelmed with homework sitting sad at school desk with books and ...
How this Iowan, one of the few Black male teachers, builds community
Back in 2003, in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, fifth-grade me lived a carefree life like most kids. I went to school, did homework and played tons of neighborhood games. Unlike most kids, I loved ...