essay about family conflict

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Family conflict is normal; it’s the repair that matters, here's how to navigate the inevitable tension and disconnection in family relationships..

Three months into the pandemic, I had the urge to see my 28-year-old daughter and her husband, 2,000 miles away. She had weathered an acute health crisis, followed by community protests that propelled them both onto the streets to serve food and clean up neighborhoods. They were coping, but the accumulation of challenges made the mom in me want to connect with and support them. So, together with my husband, my other daughter, and her husband, our family of six adults and two dogs formed a new pod inside my daughter’s home in the steamy heat of the Minneapolis summer.

As I packed, a wisp of doubt crept in. We six hadn’t lived together under the same roof, ever . Would I blow it? Would I “flap my lips,” as a friend calls it, and accidentally say something hurtful? Some time back, in a careless moment of exhaustion, I had insulted my brand-new son-in-law with a thoughtless remark. He was rightfully hurt, and it took a long letter and a phone call to get us back on track.

My own siblings and I were raised inside the intractable rupture that was my parents’ marriage. Their lifelong conflict sowed discord and division in everyone around them. I worked hard to create a different, positive family climate with my husband and our children. My old ghosts were haunting me, though, and I didn’t want to ruin a good thing. 

Yet research shows that it’s not realistic, or possible, or even healthy to expect that our relationships will be harmonious all the time. Everything we know from developmental science and research on families suggests that rifts will happen—and what matters more is how you respond to them. With many families spending more time together than ever now, there are ample opportunities for tension and hurt feelings. These moments also offer ample invitations to reconnect.

Disconnections are a fact of life

Researcher Ed Tronick, together with colleague Andrew Gianino, calculated how often infants and caregivers are attuned to each other. (Attunement is a back-and-forth rhythm of interaction where partners share positive emotions.) They found that it’s surprisingly little. Even in healthy, securely attached relationships, caregivers and babies are in sync only 30% of the time. The other 70%, they’re mismatched, out of synch, or making repairs and coming back together. Cheeringly, even babies work toward repairs with their gazes, smiles, gestures, protests, and calls.

These mismatches and repairs are critical, Tronick explains. They’re important for growing children’s self-regulation, coping, and resilience. It is through these mismatches—in small, manageable doses—that babies, and later children, learn that the world does not track them perfectly. These small exposures to the micro-stress of unpleasant feelings, followed by the pleasant feelings that accompany repair, or coming back together, are what give them manageable practice in keeping their boat afloat when the waters are choppy. Put another way, if a caregiver met all of their child’s needs perfectly, it would actually get in the way of the child’s development. 
 “Repairing ruptures is the most essential thing in parenting,” says UCLA neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel , director of the Mindsight Institute and author of several books on interpersonal neurobiology.

Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired, says Tronick , and then again become miscoordinated and stressful, and again are repaired. This occurs thousands of times in a day, and millions of times over a year.

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Read this article in Spanish on La Red Hispana, the public-facing media outlet and distribution house of HCN , focused on educating, inspiring, and informing 40 million U.S. Hispanics.

Other research shows that children have more conflicts and repairs with friends than non-friends. Sibling conflict is legendary; and adults’ conflicts escalate when they become parents. If interpersonal conflict is unavoidable—and even necessary—then the only way we can maintain important relationships is to get better at re-synchronizing them, and especially at tending to repairs when they rupture.

“Relationships shrink to the size of the field of repair,” says Rick Hanson , psychologist and author of several books on the neuroscience of well-being. “But a bid for a repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other,” he adds. “It says you value the relationship.”

Strengthening the family fabric

In a small Canadian study , researchers examined how parents of four- to seven-year-old children strengthened, harmed, or repaired their relationships with their children. Parents said their relationships with their children were strengthened by “horizontal” or egalitarian exchanges like playing together, negotiating, taking turns, compromising, having fun, or sharing psychological intimacy—in other words, respecting and enjoying one another. Their relationships were harmed by an over-reliance on power and authority, and especially by stonewalling tactics like the “silent treatment.” When missteps happened, parents repaired and restored intimacy by expressing warmth and affection, talking about what happened, and apologizing.

This model of strengthening, harming, and repairing can help you think about your own interactions. When a family relationship is already positive, there is a foundation of trust and a belief in the other’s good intentions, which helps everyone restore more easily from minor ruptures. For this reason, it helps to proactively tend the fabric of family relationships. 
 That can begin with simply building up an investment of positive interactions:

• Spend “special time” with each child individually to create more space to deepen your one-to-one relationship. Let them control the agenda and decide how long you spend together.
• Appreciate out loud, share gratitude reflections, and notice the good in your children intermittently throughout the day or week.

You also want to watch out for ways you might harm the relationship. If you’re ever unsure about a child’s motives, check their intentions behind their behaviors and don’t assume they were ill-intentioned. Language like, “I noticed that…” or “Tell me what happened…” or “And then what happened?” can help you begin to understand an experience from the child’s point of view.

A Loving Space for Kids’ Emotions

Show love to your children by helping them process emotions

When speaking to a child, consider how they might receive what you’re saying. Remember that words and silence have weight; children are “ emotional Geiger counters ” and read your feelings much more than they process your words. If you are working through feelings or traumas that have nothing to do with them, take care to be responsible for your own feelings and take a moment to calm yourself before speaking.

In this context of connection and understanding, you can then create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed:

• Watch for tiny bids for repairs . Sometimes we have so much on our minds that we miss the look, gesture, or expression in a child that shows that what they really want is to reconnect.
• Normalize requests like “I need a repair” or “Can we have a redo?” We need to be able to let others know when the relationship has been harmed.
• Likewise, if you think you might have stepped on someone’s toes, circle back to check. Catching a misstep early can help.

When you’re annoyed by a family member’s behavior, try to frame your request for change in positive language; that is, say what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. Language like, “I have a request…” or “Would you be willing to…?” keeps the exchange more neutral and helps the recipient stay engaged rather than getting defensive.

You can also model healthy repairs with people around you, so they are normalized and children see their usefulness in real time. Children benefit when they watch adults resolve conflict constructively.


Four steps to an authentic repair

There are infinite varieties of repairs, and they can vary in a number of ways, depending on your child’s age and temperament, and how serious the rift was.

Infants need physical contact and the restoration of love and security. Older children need affection and more words. Teenagers may need more complex conversations. Individual children vary in their styles—some need more words than others, and what is hurtful to one child may not faze another child. Also, your style might not match the child’s, requiring you to stretch further.

Some glitches are little and may just need a check-in, but deeper wounds need more attention. Keep the apology in proportion to the hurt. What’s important is not your judgment of how hurt someone should be, but the actual felt experience of the child’s hurt. A one-time apology may suffice, but some repairs need to be acknowledged frequently over time to really stitch that fabric back together. It’s often helpful to check in later to see if the amends are working.

While each repair is unique, authentic repairs typically involve the same steps.

1. Acknowledge the offense. First, try to understand the hurt you caused. It doesn’t matter if it was unintentional or what your reasons were. This is the time to turn off your own defense system and focus on understanding and naming the other person’s pain or anger.

Sometimes you need to check your understanding. Begin slowly: “Did I hurt you? Help me understand how.” This can be humbling and requires that we listen with an open heart as we take in the other person’s perspective.

Try not to undermine the apology by adding on any caveats, like blaming the child for being sensitive or ill-behaved or deserving of what happened. Any attempt to gloss over, minimize, or dilute the wound is not an authentic repair. Children have a keen sense for authenticity. Faking it or overwhelming them will not work.

A spiritual teacher reminded me of an old saying, “It is acknowledging the wound that gets the thorn out.” It’s what reconnects our humanity.

Making an Effective Apology

A good apology involves more than saying "sorry"

2. Express remorse. Here, a sincere “I’m sorry” is sufficient.

Don’t add anything to it. One of the mistakes adults often make, according to therapist and author Harriet Lerner , is to tack on a discipline component: “Don’t let it happen again,” or “Next time, you’re really going to get it.” This, says Lerner, is what prevents children from learning to use apologies themselves. 
 Apologizing can be tricky for adults. It might feel beneath us, or we may fear that we’re giving away our power. We shouldn’t have to apologize to a child, because as adults we are always right, right? Of course not. But it’s easy to get stuck in a vertical power relationship to our child that makes backtracking hard.

On the other hand, some adults—especially women, says Rick Hanson —can go overboard and be too effusive, too obsequious, or even too quick in their efforts to apologize. This can make the apology more about yourself than the person who was hurt. Or it could be a symptom of a need for one’s own boundary work.   

There is no perfect formula for an apology except that it be delivered in a way that acknowledges the wound and makes amends. And there can be different paths to that. Our family sometimes uses a jokey, “You were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong,” to playfully acknowledge light transgressions. Some apologies are nonverbal: My father atoned for missing all of my childhood birthdays when he traveled 2,000 miles to surprise me at my doorstep for an adult birthday. Words are not his strong suit, but his planning, effort, and showing up was the repair. Apologies can take on all kinds of tones and qualities.

3. Consider offering a brief explanation. If you sense that the other person is open to listening, you can provide a brief explanation of your point of view, but use caution, as this can be a slippery slope. Feel into how much is enough. The focus of the apology is on the wounded person’s experience. If an explanation helps, fine, but it shouldn’t derail the intent. This is not the time to add in your own grievances—that’s a conversation for a different time.

4. Express your sincere intention to fix the situation and to prevent it from happening again. With a child, especially, try to be concrete and actionable about how the same mistake can be prevented in the future. “I’m going to try really hard to…” and “Let’s check back in to see how it’s feeling…” can be a start.

Remember to forgive yourself, too. This is a tender process, we are all works in progress, and adults are still developing. I know I am.

Prior to our visit, my daughter and I had a phone conversation. We shared our excitement about the rare chance to spend so much time together. Then we gingerly expressed our concerns.

 “I’m afraid we’ll get on each other’s nerves,” I said.

“I’m afraid I’ll be cooking and cleaning the whole time,” she replied.

So we strategized about preventing these foibles. She made a spreadsheet of chores where everyone signed up for a turn cooking and cleaning, and we discussed the space needs that people would have for working and making phone calls.

Then I drew a breath and took a page from the science. “I think we have to expect that conflicts are going to happen,” I said. “It’s how we work through them that will matter. The love is in the repair.”

This article is excerpted from a longer article on Diana Divecha’s blog, developmentalscience.com.

About the Author

Diana Divecha

Diana Divecha, Ph.D. , is a developmental psychologist, an assistant clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and on the advisory board of the Greater Good Science Center. Her blog is developmentalscience.com .

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Family Conflict (Essay Sample)

Family conflict.

It is normal to disagree with one another from time to time. Intermittent conflict is part of family life . Family members can disagree when they have different beliefs or views that clash with the interests of others. However, family conflict can be stressful and damage the relationships among family members especially when the members are prone to misunderstanding one another and jumping to wrongly skewed conclusions. The result may be unresolved conflicts that manifest in continuous arguments and end in resentment. Intense family conflict can lead to break-ups and dissolution of marriages or separation of siblings and everlasting disunity even in important matters that affect the family members.

Family conflicts arise for various reasons. Finance and jobs are the main causes of family conflicts. Failure to secure a good job that earns the breadwinner significant income to pay for bills, service mortgages or pay rent, buy food, and fund recreation activities for the family members is the main cause of conflict between the spouses and by extension the siblings. Most often, one of the spouses will tend to believe that the other spouse is spending the money  elsewhere and is not caring for them and begin to quarrel. Also, where one of the spouses is engaged with a job that keeps him or her away from the other spouse and the children will feel neglected and incite conflict. Similarly, if the breadwinner loses the job, the family members are likely to be stressed and quarrel as their future financial situation becomes uncertain.

Apart from finances and jobs, family conflicts could arise from sibling rivalry. Siblings will naturally compete with one another for parental approval or attention. Such competition may involve causing harm to others, teasing one another, or tattling. Either of such practices will eventually result in conflict among the siblings, especially where the parent does not intervene and uphold equality among the siblings through showing equal love and acceptance for all.

In addition to finance, jobs, and sibling rivalry, lack of patience and understanding among the family members is another cause of conflict. The sustainability of families requires patience from both members since there are events that occur along the way which could be unfavorable. For instance, at some point, a breadwinner may lose his or her job. Family members ought to be patient and understand the situation as they await a resolution to the situation. Most often, the other spouse would be impatient and rush to conclude that the family has lost direction leading to quarrels and conflict in the family.

Since family conflicts are inevitable, there should be ways of resolving or avoiding the conflicts to avoid the adverse effects of these conflicts. One of the ways to resolve family conflicts is to be patient and slow to quarrel. Holding the tongue for a few seconds can be a great step towards resolving a conflict. Spouses can calm down and think of better ways to respond to a situation or a developing conflict. With patience, a better thought solution can be offered to resolve a conflict than quickly rushing to fight with one another. Also, family members can avoid conflicts by getting hard on their problems and not just blaming one another. Avoiding the blame games opens room for concessions and allows the family members to work together in finding solutions to their problems.

Overall, family conflicts can easily be predicted as they develop from obvious issues such as finance, jobs or sibling rivalry. As a family head, one ought to keep track of these issues and be in the leading line to offer solutions to such problems before the conflict arises. Patience and understanding are crucial for all family members if conflicts are to be avoided.

Family Conflict Essay

When family members fight, it can tear the family apart! Family conflict is nearly inevitable in many family units. Conflict in family can be defined as “disagreement or opposition; clash” (Dictionary. com). When family members disagree on something, it is difficult to make them see eye-to-eye and resolve their conflict. Family conflict can arise in family units when family members have different values or priorities. It may be due to lack of communication, family roles, family structure, family traditions, children, money management and more.

For example, if one family member likes sports while another is uninterested in them family conflict can occur. Another example would be if nobody on the family manages the household budget. If that goes unresolved it can cause fear among family members that their hard-earned money might go missing. This kind of conflict is caused by lack of communication between family members about what they value and how they define importance of certain aspects regarding their life together as a family unit (Minuchin).

Sometimes these conflicts are not resolved because it becomes easier for family members to relinquish family roles and just agree with each other. For family conflict to be resolved, family members must be willing to communicate with each other and find a suitable solution that works for everyone in the family unit (Minuchin). A number of factors can affect family conflict such as: family income level, family roles, family structure and more (Dictionary. com).

These factors can add an element of stress when it comes to family conflict resolution because there is additional pressure coming from outside sources into the unit which causes even more conflict. Every family has their own way of handling conflict among family members. It could be based on their culture or it could stem from previous generations and how they had been taught (or not taught) to deal with family conflict. For example, family members might not address the issue at hand and prefer to avoid it by changing the topic or turning attention away from the family member who is unhappy about how things are done in their home (Minuchin).

This can cause family conflict to fester until there is a blowout which causes family members to lash out at one another. One common solution for family conflict resolution can be found through family communication, but this requires family members engaging with each other positively and without judgment. Asking questions such as “what could we do so you feel more comfortable” instead of questions that start with “why” add an element of positive communication into family relationships (Min).

By having open dialogue among family members, family conflict will be addressed and resolved in a non-threatening way. While family conflict is normal, it shouldn’t be allowed to escalate to violence or abuse among family members. If family conflict is not resolved family members might begin to avoid one another which can cause family structure to fall apart (Dictionary. com). It could also lead family members to neglect family traditions that have been passed down from generation after generation which causes the foundation for the family unit as well as its values to become damaged or broken down.

When this occurs family members might feel even more disconnected from each other than they did before there was any type of conflict within the unit. If left unresolved these issues can create an environment where children are exposed to things such as family violence and family abuse. Family conflict can arise due to family values or priorities getting in the way of family members sharing the same space (Dictionary. com). This type of conflict is not resolved if family members wish to avoid it instead of discussing their feelings with each other and finding a common ground where everyone feels comfortable.

These types of problems can affect family structure, traditions and family roles which could cause the family unit as a whole to fall apart (Dictionary. com). For family conflict resolution to work all family members must engage in dialogue without judgment and be willing to cooperate with one another until there is a solution that works for everyone involved (Minuchin). The factors such as family income level, family roles, family structure and more can affect family conflict resolution because family members are not always willing to communicate with each other.

Asking questions such as “what could we do so you feel more comfortable” instead of questions that start with “why” add an element of positive communication into family relationships (Minuchin). When family conflict is resolved, family members will have a stronger foundation for the family unit as well as its values. Family conflict should never be allowed to escalate to violence or abuse among family members because this can cause family members to neglect family traditions that have been passed down from generation after generation which causes the foundation for the family unit as well as its values to become damaged or broken down.

There are many different family types today, and there is tremendous amounts of family conflicts that a lot of the time end in a family breaking apart. The number one reason for family conflict is miscommunication, wherein most families emotions can run high creating very heated arguments that lead to regrettable things being said between family members which turn into long-term resentment.

Another cause of family conflict is unrealistic expectations from family members. For example, parents may expect their children to fulfill certain roles within the family when they grow up such as becoming a doctor or lawyer even though their child indicated from an early age that this was not the path they were interested in pursuing.

In these situations, it is best to talk openly with each other about these family expectations to ensure that family members are staying true to themselves and their goals while still satisfying the family. If family members show interest in pursuing these family expectations, then there should be no issues; however if family members still express disinterest in fulfilling these family roles, it is best to explore alternative options for them even though they may not fully satisfy the family.

Family conflict can also be caused by a lack of resources within families, where family resources are very limited due to low income or unemployment. In many cases, this causes family stress as family members do not have enough money or resources available to fulfill certain responsibilities such as paying bills, purchasing groceries for dinner every night, etc.

There are many different reasons why a family member would experience a lack of resources, however, family conflict arises when family members are unable to communicate their feelings with each other. If family resources are very slim, family members may want to sit down together and have an open discussion about the family’s current situation so that they can make sure all family members are kept well-informed of what is happening within their family.

This also helps family members understand why certain things are being prioritized over others, for example, if food or rent is not purchased regularly it may be because most of the family income has been allocated towards buying medication for a sick family member. When there is lack of resources in a family, everyone should feel included in decisions that affect them as this builds trust between all involved parties.

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Tips for Dealing With Family Conflict

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Rob Lewine/Creative RF/Getty Images

While family relationships can bring support, joy, and other wonderful benefits into our lives, these relationships can also bring stress, particularly when there's unresolved conflict. Because it's more difficult to let go of conflicted relationships with family than it would be if these relationships were mere friendships, unresolved conflicts with family members can be particularly painful.

We have certain expectations of trust and closeness toward family members. It can be more than merely disappointing to realize that this may not be possible with all family members.

At a Glance

Family gatherings can be a source of stress if you're dealing with unresolved family conflicts that create tension, anger, or arguments. Such conflicts are painful and can make it more difficult to trust.

If you are struggling with how to deal with such situations, focus on staying polite. Talking about the problem (calmly and respectfully) may help, but there are also times when you just have to forgive, forget, or even minimize how much time you spend around the other person.

Why Dealing With Family Conflict Is So Stressful

Unresolved family conflicts bring additional stress, particularly at family gatherings. Past unresolved conflicts can become the elephant in the room, felt by everyone but not directly addressed. This can be stressful for everyone before and during the family gatherings, sometimes leaving a lasting sense of stress afterward. 

Family is often a source of support but can also be a source of distress. Research has found that intrusive or controlling family relationships can lead to stress and resentment.

Family Conflict Interferes With Trust

Without a heartfelt discussion, an apology, or another form of resolution, the trust on both sides is compromised , and they may not know what to expect from this person in the future.

For example, the time your mother-in-law criticized your cooking may come up in your mind every time she visits, and others may sense your tension.

Reminders Can Still Hurt

This leads many people to assume the worst when they interpret each other's behavior rather than giving the benefit of the doubt like most of us do with people we trust. Also, references or reminders of past conflicts can sting and create new pain.

Once a conflict has gone on a while, even if both parties move on and remain polite, the feelings of pain and mistrust usually linger under the surface, and are difficult to resolve.

Bringing up old hurts to resolve them can often backfire. At the same time, avoiding the issue altogether but holding onto resentment can poison feelings in the present.

Coping With Conflict at Family Meetings

So what do you do at a family gathering when there's someone there with whom you've had an unresolved conflict? Just be polite.

Contrary to how many feel, a family gathering is not the time to rehash old conflicts, as such conversations often get messy before they get resolved— if they get resolved.

Be polite, redirect conversations into areas that may cause conflict, and try to avoid the person as much as possible.

Even if everyone else fails to follow this advice, if you are able to focus on handling your end of the conflict in a peaceful way, you can go a long way in minimizing battles at family gatherings and promoting peace.

You may be surprised by how much of a difference this can make in the overall feel of your family get-togethers and your personal feelings and stress level leading up to them. 

How to Deal With Family Conflict

In the future, you can take one of three paths.

Try to Resolve the Conflict

At a time when all the family isn't gathered, ask the person if they'd like to discuss and resolve what happened between you. If (and only if) you and the other person seem to want to resolve things and are open to seeing one another's point of view, this could be a constructive idea.

Seeing where each of you may have misunderstood the other or behaved in a way you would change if you could, offering sincere apologies , and in other ways resolving the conflict can heal the relationship for the future.

Forgive and Forget

If it looks like such a civil meeting of the minds is unlikely, don't push it. It's probably a good idea to try to forgive the other person and let it go.

Forgiving doesn't mean opening yourself up to feel wronged again; it only means that you let go of your feelings of resentment and anger.

Forgiving past hurts can be challenging, but research suggests it can play an important role in mental health. Research suggests it can reduce anxiety, depression, and stress.

You can be careful in what you expect from this person in the future without actively harboring resentment, and you'll be the one to benefit the most.

Minimize or Cut Off Contact

If what the other person did was abusive and there's absolutely no remorse or reason to expect things to be different in the future, you can severely limit your dealings with this person or cut off contact altogether .

This is typically a last-resort choice, but in cases of abuse, it's sometimes a necessary one to make for your own emotional health.

Cutting off contact with a family member can be tough, but sometimes it's necessary. Research has shown that for many, it can be the right choice. In one study, 80% of those who had ended a relationship with a family member said that the decision positively affected their life and well-being.

What This Means For You

Dealing with family conflict can create stress, especially if unresolved issues come up during family gatherings. Be polite in family meetings, but maintain your boundaries. Talking it out might help, or you might opt to move on or cut them out of your life. The key is to manage the situation in a way that doesn't produce unnecessary stress, conflict, and additional hurt.

Widmer ED, Girardin M, Ludwig C. Conflict structures in family networks of older adults and their relationship with health-related quality of life .  J Fam Issues . 2018;39(6):1573-1597. doi:10.1177/0192513X17714507

Leo K, Leifker FR, Baucom DH, Baucom BRW. Conflict management and problem solving as relationship maintenance . In: Ogolsky BG, Monk JK, eds.  Relationship Maintenance: Theory, Process, and Context. Advances in Personal Relationships . Cambridge: Cambridge University Press; 2019:194-214. doi:10.1017/9781108304320.011

Weir K.  Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health.   American Psychological Association  2017:48(1) 30.

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM.  Forgiveness, stress, and health: A 5-week dynamic parallel process study . Ann Behav Med . 2016;50(5):727–735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6

Blake L.  Parents and children who are estranged in adulthood: a review and discussion of the literature: review and discussion of the estrangement literature .  J Fam Theory Rev . 2017;9(4):521-536. doi:10.1111/jftr.12216

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

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What are dysfunctional family relationships?

Common causes of family conflict, tips on interacting with difficult family members, when to cut ties with family members, dealing with difficult family relationships.

Struggling to coexist with difficult family members? Learn about common sources of conflict and how to deal with dysfunctional family relationships.

Mothers, fathers, siblings—your closest family members can form a lifelong social support system. They can celebrate your highs and give you comfort when you’re at your lows. Even so, disagreements and misunderstandings are bound to happen. Minor conflicts between family members are normal, and they typically resolve on their own or with some constructive dialogue. But other conflicts can be much more significant. In cases where resentment and toxic patterns arise, family interactions can become lasting sources of frustration and tear relationships apart.

Difficult family relationships can take on many forms. You might have an overly critical dad who makes you feel anxious. Perhaps a sibling’s jealousy is a constant source of tension at family functions. Or maybe you believe a new in-law’s controlling behavior leads to unnecessary drama.

These turbulent family relationships can have long-lasting effects on your health and well-being. You might:

• Begin to blame yourself for these poor relationships.
• Experience fear and anxiety surrounding family or holiday events.
• Hesitate to reach out to other family members.
• Suffer from lack of emotional or financial support during hard times.
• Develop trouble sleeping or focusing due to the stress of these interactions.

Research even indicates that poor relationships with parents, siblings, or spouses can contribute to midlife depression symptoms . Exposure to domestic conflicts can also have a long-term impact on a child’s well-being as well. One longitudinal study found that domestic arguments and violence can increase a child’s risk of developing mental and physical health problems later in life.

To minimize these consequences, you can learn how to identify causes of family tension and take steps to create peaceful interactions. While you might eventually find that cutting ties is the best option for your health and happiness, there are approaches you can take that can help repair family bonds and improve your relationships with those closest to you.

Speak to a Licensed Therapist

BetterHelp is an online therapy service that matches you to licensed, accredited therapists who can help with depression, anxiety, relationships, and more. Take the assessment and get matched with a therapist in as little as 48 hours.

Before you learn how to deal with difficult family members, it helps to examine why those relationships are rocky to begin with. Consider these common causes of family disputes and ways to navigate them:

Family finances

Family members tend to have some degree of financial overlap. Siblings might bicker over an inheritance. Parents may have strong opinions on how their children handle money. Or adult children might feel the need to control their aging parents’ finances.

When it comes to large family events, such as weddings or holiday parties, financial disagreements can often come to a head. However, there are ways to navigate money-related problems within your family.

Put things in writing. If you expect a family member to pay you back for a personal loan, for example, make a written agreement between the two of you. This can help you avoid arguments or even legal disputes.

Set boundaries. If a family member is pressuring you to loan or give them money or wants to dictate your finances, it’s important to clarify the type of behavior you won’t tolerate. Be clear so your family member will know when they’ve crossed the line.

Know when to be transparent. You don’t have to share all of your financial details with anyone. But, in cases where your decisions may affect your family members, it’s best to be transparent. You might want to talk to your children about details of their inheritance to avoid a future conflict, for example, or let your siblings know why you can’t contribute to a shared expense.

[Read: Coping with Financial Stress]

Caregiving responsibilities

Research from 2020 shows that about 19 percent of Americans are acting as unpaid family caregivers. The stresses and responsibilities of being a caregiver can weigh heavily on family relationships.

Studies indicate that tension between siblings tends to increase when a parent begins to need some level of caregiving. Perhaps you believe your sibling is in denial over your parent’s health and needs to be more proactive. Or maybe you and your sibling disagree on whether an assisted living facility is the right housing choice for your parent.

Conflicts over caregiving aren’t limited to sibling relationships. You might have arguments with your parents or spouse over how to raise your children.

When you and another family member are at odds over caregiving, try these tips:

Be open about what level of support you need as a caregiver. If you keep your feelings to yourself, resentment can grow and increase tensions.

Look for compromise and accept other people’s limitations. If your sibling can’t physically assist with caregiving, perhaps they can offer financial help. Remember to show your appreciation when your sibling takes on responsibilities.

If someone else is completely unable or unwilling to help with parental caregiving, try looking for support outside of your family .

[Read: Family Caregiving]

New family members

As your family expands, so does the potential for new conflicts. In one study of estrangement between mothers and adult children, more than 70 percent of the mothers said other family members caused the rift. The mothers often pointed to the child’s partner or spouse as the problem.

These conflicts aren’t limited to mothers and children, of course. You and your brother-in-law might have a contentious relationship. Or perhaps your father-in-law always seems to expect too much from you. To better get along with your in-laws:

Expect differences. Different families have different expectations, boundaries, and ways of doing things. Do you see your daughter-in-law as an untactful or even rude family member? Maybe she comes from a family background that encourages blunt language or tolerates teasing.

Focus on their most positive traits. Your in-laws are part of your family because someone else in your family saw the good in them. If you’re having a hard time seeing past their flaws, try making a list of their strengths.

Find common interests. Although it’s not always easy, you can usually find shared interests if you look hard enough. Ask about your in-laws’ hobbies, passions, and past experiences until you find something that’s relatable.

Political and religious differences

Religious and political similarities can affect the strength of family bonds. For example, studies indicate that when mothers share the same religion as adult children, they tend to experience higher-quality relationships.

On the other hand, when family members don’t have the same views on religion or politics, it can trigger heated arguments. Maybe your sibling objects to group prayers before meals. Or perhaps you hear insults and snide remarks when you express your political views. Here’s how to deal with difficult family members who have opposing views:

Identify useful conversations. When a debate starts, ask yourself what you hope to get from the interaction. Do you expect to completely change your family member’s mind? Or are you trying to gain insight into their beliefs? Is it at all possible that either of you will budge on your position? Even if you’ll never agree about something, you can still move the conversation forward if you’re both willing to be open and respectful of each other’s views.

Avoid sweeping generalizations. Statements like, “Everyone on the left is evil” or “Everyone on the right is an idiot” can quickly escalate arguments and further entrench people.

Try to see the human element in the other person’s values. Many political beliefs are shaped by an underlying concern for society, such as economic or environmental stability. By recognizing that, the other person’s views may not seem as wildly different from your own.

Know when to exit heated arguments. When emotions run too hot, make a respectful but firm exit from the conversation. You can say something like, “I’m not sure if this is productive. Let’s leave it there.” Contain the urge to have the “last word.”

Be mindful of your jokes. Humor can often help diffuse a tense argument . However, avoid aggressive jokes that target the other person’s beliefs or values.

Unresolved family issues

Things that happened in the past can have a lasting effect on family relationships. Did you and your son have an explosive argument when he was a teenager? If the matter went unresolved, he might continue to be resentful or distrustful of you. Did your parents seem to favor you over your brothers? Jealousy could become an underlying source of tension for your siblings.

Unresolved issues can often crop up during milestone events or times of change within the family. For example, insecurities over parental favoritism might reappear as you and your siblings begin to act as caregivers to an aging parent.

If you’re the one holding onto an issue, speak up. Invite the other person to a private conversation, where you can bring up the issue and share your perspective. Be willing to forgive if the party apologizes for their part in the problem.

If a family member is holding resentment, be empathetic. Try to understand how they perceived events and how the past continues to affect them. If you caused some harm to them in the past, apologize and ask how you can repair the damage to the relationship. For example, if you lost your temper with your son in the past, explain how you plan to do better going forward.

If neither person is at fault, it can still help to acknowledge the past and the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Remember that no family is perfect, and past events influence present-day perceptions. Focus on what steps you can take in the present to resolve the conflict .

Despite your best efforts and intentions, sometimes you’ll find that you simply can’t get along with a family member. Perhaps someone continues to hold a grudge against you or refuses to change their behavior.

Your general plan might be to avoid difficult family members. However, that strategy can often be foiled by weddings, funerals, and other family gatherings. Here are some alternate options:

Manage your own stress

Prioritize de-stressing before and after you have to interact with a difficult family member. Effective stress management techniques can range from meditation to going for a walk to journaling your thoughts or chatting face-to-face with a close friend.

If you start to feel stressed by the difficult family member during the event itself, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself from the room and use some quick stress relief techniques to clear your head.

• Rely on your senses to ground yourself in the moment. Take in a deep breath of fresh air, find a friendly cat or dog to pet, or hum a tune to yourself. You can also use your imagination to picture something soothing, like your child’s face or a relaxing setting.
• If you tend to freeze when under stress, activities that involve physical movement are often most effective. Consider doing some stretches, swaying to background music, or jogging in place to burn off tension.

Set and maintain boundaries

Strong, clear boundaries can protect you from toxic family interactions. Imagine you and your spouse are about to visit overbearing in-laws. Talk to your spouse and set a limit on how long the visit will last. You can also set boundaries on conversation topics. If you and your in-laws have had heated arguments over religion, it might be best to steer clear of the topic.

If someone attempts to cross your boundaries, keep your temper in check. Instead, be clear and direct about the consequence. For example, you could say something like: “If you keep bringing up that topic, I’ll be leaving early.”

Build your emotional intelligence (EQ)

By strengthening your emotional intelligence, you can improve your ability to understand, manage, and express emotions. This can have a positive effect not just on your family relationships but on your overall mental health.

To enhance your EQ, you need to focus on four key skills:

• Self-management
• Self-awareness
• Social awareness
• Relationship management

You can develop these skills by taking steps such as using mindfulness to assess your emotional state and nonverbal cues. Read Improving Family Relationships with Emotional Intelligence for more strategies.

Change your focus

Be willing to acknowledge your family member’s strengths as well as their flaws. Perhaps your sibling is confrontational and demanding, but at least they’re always willing to help finance family events. Or maybe your mother-in-law is overly critical of you but always supportive of your children.

Practice empathy

Acknowledge that a difficult family member might be going through rough circumstances of their own. From personal insecurities to substance addiction or mental illness, certain underlying factors could be fueling your family member’s behavior.

Although these factors don’t excuse the behavior, by being more empathetic you might gain a better understanding of the person and why they act the way they do.

Use conflict resolution skills

Conflict resolution skills can come in handy anytime you’re dealing with family drama. These skills involve managing stress in the moment , being aware of both your own emotions and the other person’s, and prioritizing resolution over winning the argument.

You might notice that an aging parent is lashing out due to a feeling of declining independence. A deescalating step might be to ask them to do you a favor or give them a task that allows them to feel needed.

[Read: Conflict Resolution Skills]

Limit expectations and practice acceptance

Make peace with the fact that some people have viewpoints or priorities that may never match your own. Your adult children, siblings, or parents will do what they feel is right for them, and you can’t control their behavior. Try to treasure the relationship for what it is, or focus on other relationships that bring you joy.

At what point is a dysfunctional family relationship no longer worth saving? That may depend on different factors.

What’s the potential for change? The other person must be willing to acknowledge the problem and work to change. Some people don’t want to change, and you can’t control their behavior. If you’re dealing with a narcissistic family member , their inflated self-image, lack of empathy, and manipulative ways can hinder any meaningful progress.

How severe is the conflict? In cases of abuse , it’s usually advisable to cut ties with the family member. Remember that abuse doesn’t necessarily have to be physical. People who subject you to verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse can also harm your sense of well-being. This could include a father-in-law who aims to humiliate you or siblings who use guilt-tripping to manipulate you.

Dealing with doubts

Cutting ties means ending contact with the difficult family member, which is not always easy. You might repeatedly question your decision or have a hard time accepting that the relationship is unsalvageable.

Keep a list of specific reasons why you’ve decided to end contact. Did the person cross your boundaries too many times? Did the stress of your interactions negatively affect other areas of your life? Write it all down, so you don’t forget.

How to deal with the grief of ending a relationship

Depending on how close you were to the family member, you may need to take time to grieve the loss of the relationship.

Rather than suppress your feelings, identify and acknowledge them. It’s normal to experience anything from anger to sadness to guilt following the end of a relationship. You should also expect grief to intensify on days that remind you of the family member, such as birthdays or holidays.

Talk to friends and other family members about the situation. Now is a good time to reach out for support. Tell the supportive people in your life what you need from them. You might even strengthen bonds with other family members.

Maintain your hobbies and health. Continue to engage in activities you love, and look after your physical healthy by exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and eating nutritious foods. Don’t use drugs or alcohol to cope with your negative feelings .

Moving forward

Over time, people’s behaviors and circumstances can change. So, know that cutting off ties doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent. If you see evidence that your family member is truly willing to make amends, there may be a chance of reconciliation.

Don’t rush reconciliation, though. You should both accept that the process may take time and requires concrete steps for improving the relationship. With a combination of patience and improved communication , you might be able to repair that broken bond and move forward with a healthier relationship.

More Information

• Help with Relationships - Articles addressing common relationship problems, such as arguments, conflict, and communication. (Relate UK)
• Buist, K. L., van Tergouw, M. S., Koot, H. M., & Branje, S. (2019). Longitudinal Linkages between Older and Younger Sibling Depressive Symptoms and Perceived Sibling Relationship Quality. Journal of Youth and Adolescence , 48(6), 1190–1202. Link
• Con, G., Suitor, J. J., Rurka, M., & Gilligan, M. (2019). Adult Children’s Perceptions of Maternal Favoritism During Caregiving: Comparisons Between Turkey and the United States. Research on Aging , 41(2), 139–163. Link
• Full-report-caregiving-in-the-united-states-01-21.pdf. (n.d.). Retrieved January 12, 2022, from Link
• Gilligan, M., Suitor, J., Nam, S., Routh, B., Rurka, M., & Con, G. (2017). Family Networks and Psychological Well-Being in Midlife. Social Sciences , 6(3), 94. Link
• Paradis, A. D., Reinherz, H. Z., Giaconia, R. M., Beardslee, W. R., Ward, K., & Fitzmaurice, G. M. (2009). Long-Term Impact of Family Arguments and Physical Violence on Adult Functioning at Age 30 Years: Findings From the Simmons Longitudinal Study. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry , 48(3), 290–298. Link
• Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J., Coleman, J., Wang, J., & Yan, J. J. (2021). Mothers’ attributions for estrangement from their adult children. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice . Link
• Sechrist, J., Suitor, J. J., Vargas, N., & Pillemer, K. (2011). The Role of Perceived Religious Similarity in the Quality of Mother-child Relations in Later Life: Differences Within Families and Between Races. Research on Aging , 33(1), 3–27. Link
• Suitor, J. J., Gilligan, M., Johnson, K., & Pillemer, K. (2014). Caregiving, Perceptions of Maternal Favoritism, and Tension Among Siblings. The Gerontologist , 54(4), 580–588. Link
• Waldinger, R. J., Vaillant, G. E., & Orav, E. J. (2007). Childhood Sibling Relationships as a Predictor of Major Depression in Adulthood: A 30-Year Prospective Study. American Journal of Psychiatry , 164(6), 949–954. Link

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Family Conflicts

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Family conflict refers to active opposition between family members. Because of the nature of family relationships, it can take a wide variety of forms, including verbal, physical, sexual, financial, or psychological. Conflicts may involve different combinations of family members: it can be conflict within the couple or between parents and children or, again, between siblings.

All interpersonal conflicts, whether they occur between family members, romantic partners, or groups, have certain elements in common. One of the popular definitions of conflict offered by Coser ( 1956 ) asserts that conflict is a “struggle over values and claims to scarce status, power, and resources in which the aims of the opponents are to neutralize, injure or eliminate the rival” (p. 8).

In 1973 , Deutsch maintained that conflict “exists whenever incompatible activities occur… an action which prevents, obstructs, interferes with, injures or in some way makes (resolution) less likely or less...

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3 Steps to Resolving Conflict Within Your Family

The perspective triangle strategy allows you to master your emotions..

Posted June 4, 2015 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

I’m sure you've noticed that we have the most intense conflicts at home, within our family, with the people closest to us. They are the conflicts that bring us the most pain, make us suffer, and distress us.

Whether it’s yet another shouting match with your teenage child or a disagreement with your spouse, conflicts at home are the most challenging to face because it’s so easy to be held hostage by your own emotions.

How then, can we turn a difficult moment at home into an opportunity to build rapport with the people that are dearest to us?

I’m happy to share with you a strategy I’ve been using in my conflict resolution work, dealing with leaders of death squads, youth involved in gangs, and even terrorists, while doing peacebuilding work around the world.

And of course, I’ve been using the same skills in my own everyday life, including with my family.

It’s a strategy that works and that has helped me to shift from an unproductive state of mind to one that is more resourceful. It helps not to escalate the conflict further, which happens when you let raw emotions take over.

It’s what I call the Perspective Triangle Strategy.

When you need to set yourself free from negative emotions, negotiators suggest that you metaphorically "go to the balcony" and look at the conflict with some detachment. It’s easier said than done. But the perspective triangle strategy allows you to detach yourself and get some clarity. Clarity is important if you want to resolve conflict and avoid escalation.

Here are the three steps of the Perspective Triangle Strategy.

Step 1: Your Own Perspective

This step requires you to achieve a higher degree of self-awareness. You do so by asking yourself what’s really bothering you.

What pain are you trying to avoid? What are you protecting yourself from? Through the emotions and the behavior you are displaying, what needs are you trying to satisfy? Are you looking to be significant to the other? Or to feel secure? Are you trying to connect with the other, or to feel connected with yourself (especially if you feel down, sad, or depressed )?

Inquire, go deep into yourself, and clarify what the conflict is really about.

In fact, chances are that while the fight is about a specific issue, in reality, you are after something that lies at a deeper level. What is it? Get clarity, and you will be able to come up with different options on how you can get what you really want.

Step 2: The Other’s Perspective

This step is fundamental. It requires you to have empathy and through empathy to widen your understanding of what’s really going on.

Put yourself in the shoes of the other. For a moment, suspend your own judgment and do your best to see the situation you’re confronting from the perspective of the other.

What might influence the position taken by the other? What experiences shape his or her understanding? What’s going on in the life of the other? What needs is she or he satisfying with a particular behavior? Is the other looking for significance? Or rather for love and connection? Is it a way to feel secure?

What’s the real intention of the other party?

Go deeper and ask yourself: How might the other interpret my own words and behavior? What can I do differently to meet the underlying needs of the other and at the same time satisfy my own?

When you combine the insights you gained from considering your own perspective as well as that of the other, you can have a better understanding of the issue at hand and the ways in which you can resolve it.

Step 3: The Third Party’s Perspective

Often, someone from the outside can give us a fresh perspective about a problem you are trying to resolve.

In this step, you put yourself in the position of a third party observing the situation you are involved in.

Imagine you’re sitting in a movie theatre, watching your conflict projected on a screen as if it were a movie. What is it all about?

What does the spectator tell you about your own behavior and judgment? What is he or she seeing? What advice does the third party give you? What would she or he tell you about the other’s real intention? And so on.

Providing three different lenses, the Perspective Triangle Strategy allows you to get necessary emotional detachment, to gain valuable insight, and to have a broader and deeper understanding of the conflict. It allows you to shift from a victim position to a leadership position. By making you stronger, it empowers you.

Here is what you need to remember:

Change doesn’t start with the other. Change begins with you, from within you. In this sense, conflict can always be an opportunity: For better communication, for a dialogue about problems that matter, for a more authentic relationship, for self-growth.

Conflict is part of life. It cannot be avoided. But it can be resolved, transformed, and experienced as a gift from life to become deeper and wiser individuals. Every day you learn a little bit more about how to love, and how to be loved.

See the report: 8 Secrets of Successful Negotiators

See how successful negotiators do it, here

Aldo Civico, Ph.D., is an anthropologist and a conflict resolution expert. He is an anthropology professor at Rutgers University and the founder of The International Institute for Peace.

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Family Conflict Resolution: 6 Worksheets & Scenarios (+ PDF)

It is perhaps unrealistic to expect that relationships remain harmonious all the time; occasional disconnections and disagreements are a fact of life that can help a family grow and move forward, accommodating change (Divecha, 2020).

Repeating patterns of conflict, however, can be damaging for family members, especially children, negatively affecting mental and physical wellbeing (Sori, Hecker, & Bachenberg, 2016).

This article explores how to resolve conflict in family relationships and introduces strategies and activities that can help.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free . These science-based tools will help you and those you work with build better social skills and better connect with others.

This Article Contains:

How to resolve conflict in family relationships, 2 examples of conflict scenarios, 3 strategies for family counseling sessions, 6 activities and worksheets to try, a note on conflict resolution for kids, 3 best games and activities for kids, resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

“Families typically develop certain basic structural characteristics and interactive patterns that they utilize to respond to internal and external stressors.”

Goldenberg, 2017, p. 4

Built on shared assumptions and narratives that exist within the family structure, family members support the group as it adapts and copes with shifting environments and life events.

Such structures, at times, may support and even promote conflict that occurs within families. Indeed, rifts, clashes, and disagreements within the family can take many forms, including physical, verbal, financial, psychological, and sexual (Marta & Alfieri, 2014).

Therapy has the potential to help a family understand how it organizes itself and maintains cohesion, while improving how it communicates and overcomes problems that lead to conflict (Goldenberg, 2017).

As psychologist Rick Hanson writes, “a bid for repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other” (cited in Divecha, 2020).

Crucially, families can learn to navigate the inevitable tension and disconnection that arise from falling out of sync with one another (Divecha, 2020).

Repairing ruptures resulting from miscommunication, mismatches, and failing to attune to one another is vital for parenting and maintaining family union. But how?

While there are many ways to recover from and resolve conflict, the following four steps are invaluable for authentic repair (modified from Divecha, 2020):

• Acknowledge the offense Try to identify and understand the hurt you’ve caused. Whether intended and with apparent good reason or not, this is a valuable opportunity to dial down your defenses and focus on how the other person is feeling.

Acknowledging the hurt without adding caveats is a powerful way to show humanity.

It can help to check your understanding, “Did I upset you? Help me understand how.” Your approach must be open and authentic; unless heartfelt, it risks escalating emotions.

• Express remorse Sometimes, simply saying, “I’m sorry,” is enough, or at least an excellent place to start.

Take care though. Adding a comment, such as, “Well, you shouldn’t have done X,” weakens your expression of remorse, especially when dealing with children. They are learning from what you do – right and wrong.

Also, don’t go overboard. Being too quick to say sorry or going over the top with an apology can make it more about yourself than the person hurt.

• Offer a simple explanation If the other person is ready to listen (neither too upset nor too angry), a brief explanation can clarify the thinking behind your actions.

Remember to focus on the other person’s experience rather than a litany of excuses for poor behavior. And avoid using this as an opportunity to add grievances or assign blame for issues that have arisen recently.

• Learn and practice expressing your intentions to fix the situation and stop it from happening again. Be sincere. Say that you are sorry and mean it.

There is little point in apologizing and recovering from conflict if you intend to repeat the behavior.

Conflict is often avoidable. But if it isn’t, then it is possible to recover and maintain family relationships through authentic activities that repair damage (Divecha, 2020).

Family therapy can help resolve conflicts within the family unit through multiple routes, including:

• Exploring various relationships that make up the family.
• Bringing couples and families together to resolve interpersonal conflicts rather than treating them separately.
• Focusing on interventions with entire families rather than individuals.
• Establishing the role of dysfunctional families in individual mental health problems.

Family conflict can appear in all shapes and sizes. While minor disagreements between siblings may be resolved quickly, major rifts can form between child and parent, damaging previously strong bonds.

All relationships within a family can at one time or another descend into conflict. Two such examples include (modified from Goldenberg, 2017):

• Conflict over money Bob and Tess are married with two children. In therapy, Tess claims that Bob is mean with his money: checking grocery bills and yelling at the cost of their children’s birthday presents. Along with other relationship issues, conflict had led them to sleep in separate rooms.

Bob argues he works hard for his money and gives her a generous amount each month, but Tess spends beyond their means.

During therapy, it became clear that Bob comes from a working-class family and was taught from an early age to live frugally. His long-standing beliefs underpin (but do not excuse) his outbursts.

In time, therapy helps them become more supportive of one another, giving up their underlying power struggles and successfully moving away from stereotypical gender roles.

• Cultural and intergenerational conflict Despite Indira and Sanjay Singh moving to the United States while they were still at preschool age, they have retained the cultural and moral values of their place of birth: India. When their two children were born, they were also taught to be compliant and respect their parents, while friends from school were discouraged.

As the children grew older, it became clear that the conflict between the old and new culture was causing a rift, dividing children and parents. Despite reluctance from the parents, in time, all four attended family therapy and began to deal with cultural differences and expectations arising from multiculturalism.

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Conflict in family situations can be “chronic and unresolved,” cycling through “periods of emotional distance and closeness with intense negative feelings” (Metcalf, 2011, p. 45).

In family therapy, the many theories offer different lenses through which to view the world and, most importantly, help families manage and resolve conflict (Metcalf, 2011).

The following strategies can help protect the family from or cope with conflict in its many forms.

Build an environment of connection and understanding

Divecha (2020) suggests that by building an environment of connection and understanding, you can “create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed.”

Encourage clients to make small but vital changes to the family setting (modified from Divecha, 2020):

• Watch out for the easily missed signs that indicate a child, young adult, or partner wishes to find a way to reconnect and recover from conflict.
• Normalize requests, such as, “I need a repair” and “Can we have a redo?” that tell us a family member is ready to fix a damaged relationship.
• Maintain awareness. If we think we may have caused upset or harm, circle back and check in with the other person.

Building a better environment through frequent repairs can catch problems early and reduce the likelihood of escalation.

Use “I” statements

How we say something can have a significant impact on what others hear. Encourage family members to express how they feel without blaming others, such as (modified from Goldenberg, 2017):

“I am hurt by what you said last night” rather than accusations, such as, “You were out of order last night.”

Speak directly to the therapist

There may be times during a therapy session when tension between family members heightens and the emotional intensity needs to be de-escalated (Goldenberg, 2017).

A helpful communication technique is to ask the family member talking to address the therapist directly. This refocus encourages the speaker to express themselves more calmly and allows the other person time and space to listen and respond under less pressure.

The following activities focus on exploring family structures, beliefs, and problem-solving behavior to avoid or resolve conflict within the group.

Recognizing Family Narratives

Family narratives provide support for coping with upsetting events and recovering from conflict (Goldenberg, 2017).

Use the Recognizing Family Narratives worksheet to identify narratives that explain and justify the structure and interactive patterns that exist within the family.

The constructs we form can enable or inhibit how we cope with conflict and other life events within the family (Goldenberg, 2017).

Parenting With Purpose

Parenting can be difficult; it is easy to lose sight of what is important. Defining meaning and purpose for ourselves as parents and our children can offer a valuable compass for day-to-day decision-making (Hart, 2006).

The Parenting With Purpose worksheet is a helpful reminder of your values and purpose as a parent.

The answers to the questions can help you understand what kind of relationship you would like with your children and why.

What Is Working Within the Family?

While it is essential to identify and fix what is causing conflict within a family, it is equally valuable to recognize what is working.

Once we recognize where we are successful in a relationship, it can remind us that not everything is terrible. We are doing some things right, and we have something upon which we can build.

The What Is Working worksheet helps identify and share the positives in the relationships within the family.

Recognize that conflict doesn’t occur in the family all the time and encourage the activities that unite you as a group.

Meeting Our Family’s Needs

Sura Hart (2006, p. 175), former teacher and education project director for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, says that “you can find conflict in every human story, and in the conflict situation you can find the needs people are wanting to meet.”

Use the Meeting Our Family’s Needs worksheet to help each family member have their needs heard, understood, and, ultimately, accepted.

Consider Your Intentions

Words have the power to share love and anger. Without clear and conscious intention, it is possible to communicate unhelpful and even harmful messages (Hart, 2006).

Use the Consider Your Intentions worksheet to identify and understand your intentions and help you respect and care for other family members’ needs.

Perform an early check on your intentions before you engage with the other family member, especially if it has the potential to turn into conflict.

Using the answers, consider how you can show positive intentions and steer clear of harmful intentions, such as proving yourself right.

Seeing Family Conflict as a Problem to Solve

Conflict isn’t always to be avoided; clashes can be productive, stimulating learning, fostering understanding, and moving a relationship forward (Hart, 2006).

However, some conflict is unnecessary and avoidable, especially regarding daily tasks, such as tidying the house, going to bed, and completing chores.

Use the Seeing Family Conflict as a Problem to Solve worksheet to help recognize everyday actions as problems to overcome rather than points of contention.

14 Effective conflict resolution techniques – BRAINY DOSE

“Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired” says family researcher Ed Tronick (cited in Divecha, 2020).

Children can learn from the family environment that conflict need not be out of proportion to the situation and may, ultimately, lead to positive change.

It helps when family relationships are overwhelmingly positive. Make sure to make “special time” available for each child, where they have control over what you do and for how long, writes Divecha (2020). Learn to show gratitude and appreciation for what the child does more readily without it becoming predictable and unthinking.

Board games such as Monopoly, Checkers, and Life can be played as a pair or a family. The children see that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from their parents’ reaction to losing.

More physical, active games such as Tag or Hide and Seek allow the whole family to have fun, while, importantly, seeing each other having fun. Children need to experience their parents as humans with a wish to enjoy themselves. Parents benefit from experiencing their family laughing – a reminder that life is not all about duty and rules.

Quieter pastimes, including art and craft, can be a time to build and use mindfulness practices, considering colors, textures, and smells. Interactive activities such as making funny characters out of play dough or houses out of Lego is fun and beyond rules or feelings of failure.

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Family conflict can often be avoided. The following resources help individuals gain a greater understanding of other family members’ needs and feelings.

• Mind the Gap Identify and share the values you would like to exist within your family, such as love, trust, compassion, and teamwork.
• Conflict at School Conflict outside the home can have an impact inside. Help your children to reflect on the relationships they have at school.

Additional reading and resources include:

• Conflict Resolution in Relationships and Couples: 5 Strategies For more ideas on how to resolve conflict in other types of relationships, read our conflict resolution in relationships article.
• 14 Conflict Resolution Strategies & Techniques for the Workplace This article about conflict resolution in the workplace is a helpful additional read, especially where the lines between family and work is blurred – working in the family business, working from home – these all can cause conflict so be sure to have a look at this article too.

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others communicate better, check out this collection of 17 validated positive communication tools for practitioners. Use them to help others improve their communication skills and form deeper and more positive relationships.

It is vital that families learn to survive – and even grow – under adverse conditions. The family unit faces daily challenges from outside and conflict from within that can upset the internal stability that rests upon existing narratives, shared beliefs, and sometimes mistaken assumptions (Goldenberg, 2017).

It can become less about preventing all conflict, which is impossible, and more about creating a family environment that reduces unnecessary friction, repairs rifts and misunderstandings, grows, and moves forward.

Our communication – what we say and how we say it – remains crucial and can improve over time with practice and an improved awareness of one another’s needs. Family members can also learn skills and techniques to improve self-regulation, resilience, and coping that strengthen internal structures.

This article introduces tools and worksheets that help remove avoidable conflict and manage and resolve it within the family unit, where disagreement is inevitable. Try them out with your clients or within your own family to improve engagement, strengthen relationships, and build a more supportive and resilient family structure.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free .

• American Psychological Association. (2011). Family interventions. Retrieved October 6, 2021, from https://www.apa.org/pi/about/publications/caregivers/practice-settings/intervention/family
• Divecha, D. (2020, October 27). Family conflict is normal; it’s the repair that matter s. Greater Good. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/family_conflict_is_normal_its_the_repair_that_matters
• Goldenberg, I. (2017). Family therapy: An overview . Cengage Learning.
• Hart, S. (2006). Respectful parents, respectful kids: 7 Keys to turn family conflict into co-operation . PuddleDancer Press.
• Marta, E., & Alfieri, S. (2014). Family conflicts. In A. C. Michalos (Ed.), Encyclopedia of quality of life and well-being research . Springer.
• Metcalf, L. (2011). Marriage and family therapy: A practice-oriented approach . Springer.
• Sori, C. F., Hecker, L., & Bachenberg, M. E. (2016). The therapist’s notebook for children and adolescents: Homework, handouts, and activities for use in psychotherapy . Routledge/Taylor & Francis.

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Table of Contents

Being part of a family can be pretty beneficial as it brings you love, security, and support. Family members who understand and appreciate you can help you overcome many challenges that life throws at you. But sometimes, there can also be conflict .

It’s common for family members to have disagreements. While conflicts are rather natural, healthy, and unavoidable, when they remain unresolved or escalate, they can become a significant cause of stress and problems in relationships.

Family conflicts can be particularly distressing because they are so deeply personal. You may feel tied to your family and unable to distance yourself or let go. Besides, when certain problems arise over and over again for many years, it can be easy to get stuck in familiar patterns of interaction.

If conflicts have become a problem in your family and you’re struggling to find ways to resolve them, this article will give you some tips that might help.

We also asked Tiffany Lovins , a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Calmerry , to share some insights into this subject. But before we tell you how to deal with family conflicts, let’s first take a quick look at some of the most common causes.

Causes of family conflict

“ Belonging to any part of a group or system naturally creates an environment that is rich with individual differences in wants, needs, beliefs, and values, ” explains Tiffany and goes on, “ Our own family system is no different in this regard and is often even more complicated due to the closeness of these relationships and the interdependence that exists in a family unit. ”

Tiffany also notes that the underlying causes of conflict may not be obvious: “ There are several primary causes of family conflict that are most often experienced, though they all hold an underlying theme regardless of the topic at hand. The top causes for conflict are often finances, child-rearing, and discipline, involvement of in-laws, sibling rivalry, or push for autonomy within the family unit.”

“Regardless of the cause, all contain an underlying theme of incongruency in expectations and communication that ultimately lead to conflict in these areas. ”

Lack of communication

One of the most common factors that trigger conflict in a family is a lack of open communication . Without effective communication, it becomes difficult for family members to make sure that their needs are met, and their boundaries are respected.

The lack of communication may also make a person feel like their needs and desires are not worth sharing. As a result, family members may get stuck in a vicious circle where previous communication problems create new ones .

Family duties

Family conflicts also often stem from responsibilities. Misunderstandings may arise from the way family members divide household chores and other responsibilities.

For instance, there might be arguments regarding who is supposed to take care of children or elderly family members . Although these are often small conflicts, they may last for a long time if left unresolved.

Disagreements related to financial issues can have a severely destructive impact on all kinds of relationships, including those between romantic partners and family members. Spouses and siblings often argue over money management. And the situation may get even more difficult if there are any inheritance issues in the family.

Differences in values

This is a very common cause of conflict between romantic partners and between parents and their children. People may hold different opinions regarding politics, morals, culture, etc. There is often a greater risk of this as children shift into developmental stages, where strengthening their independence and identity take center stage.

As a result, partners or family members may lose the sense of unity, and the whole family dynamics may shift in a negative direction.

Blended families

When two families start to live together, they enter a risky area because the more people are involved, the more likely things may go wrong.

Given that even people who’ve shared the same roof for years may have serious conflicts, it’s no surprise that the situation might get more complicated when introducing new people – each with their unique needs, views, and habits.

This can be further complicated if the children have multiple households where different expectations and rules are held.

Goals and expectations are out of sync

“ There are often unspoken rules, norms, and beliefs about everyone’s role in the family and resulting expectations attached to each role ,” explains Tiffany Lovins , “ When these expectations and needs of the individual are not openly communicated and aligned, it can result in each member reacting on assumptions and emotions, thus creating a breeding ground for conflict. ”

The counselor adds, “ Once this is put into motion, each individual tends to resort to their default communication style, which further alienates each person from the other. Some may become passive and shut down. Others may attack or respond aggressively. ”

Tiffany notes that this way, the mutual goals of the family can be lost in the process. And this increases the vulnerability of each to blame and attack rather than partnering together to address concerns.

“ Identifying and stating openly that the mutual goal is always to create a space of health and happiness for each individual and the family can be a great starting point for difficult conversations, ” comments Tiffany.

How to resolve family conflicts

No matter what caused a particular argument, it’s important to know how to prevent further escalation and minimize the probability of such conflicts happening in the future.

Here are the 10 essential tips for navigating family conflicts and improving your communication skills.

1. Accept what you can and cannot control

No matter how much you may want to, you cannot control the behavior of others. But you can control how you respond . Think of the conflicts you’ve had in the past, how you reacted, and what the outcomes were.

If the results didn’t match your expectations, reflect on your approach and if it accurately reflected your intended need or request in a way that maintains your self-respect and the respect of the relationship. If not, try responding differently next time, and hopefully, it will have a more positive effect.

Changing the way you respond makes you less predictable, making it harder for others to trigger or manipulate you into conflict. Suppose you have engaged in communicating as effectively as you can, and it is still not well received. In that case,  this may indicate a need to redefine the boundaries and expectations in this relationship .

2. Let any anger subside

It’s better to let things calm down before trying to resolve a conflict so that you can have a rational and constructive conversation. When emotions are high, the functional part of our brains goes offline, and it truly makes it hard to have a reasonable discussion with effective solutions . Try talking in a calm tone and put any emotions aside.

If you try to resolve a conflict while people are angry and lashing out, such attempts may fail or even worsen the situation further. Remember, the goal here is not to win an argument but to find a healthy and mutually beneficial resolution.

3. Try to understand other family members’ perspectives

It’s important to give other family members a chance to express their views without being interrupted. And you should also request an opportunity to do the same

Listen actively: try to understand things from other peoples’ perspectives and then identify what you could do differently to help resolve the conflict. Listening to others and having empathy is a way to be fair and gain valuable insights. It’s not about submitting or caving to the demands of others.

4. Understand how it affects the whole family

It’s easy to get caught up in a conflict without realizing how much it’s affecting those around you. For example, when parents argue, children can often pick up on their stress and mood changes, even if they try to hide them.

However, when the family members involved in a conflict understand how it’s hurting the rest of the family, they’re more likely to be open to finding a resolution.

5. Use “I” instead of “you”

When you’re attempting to resolve a conflict, “you”-statements may sound like accusations, triggering a defensive response and making it harder to connect.

Use “I”-statements and talk about how you feel instead. You’ll be less likely to trigger other people’s defenses while highlighting your personal perspective, your emotions, and the critical issues you need to work through.

6. Recognize that some issues aren’t worth fighting over

Not every issue is worth fighting over. For example, if your partner or kids did something trivial that bothered you, such as not putting the bins out, consider whether such an issue would be worth getting into an argument about.

Remember, accidents can happen, people can forget, everyone makes mistakes, and not everything is done to hurt you intentionally.

However, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate toxic or abusive behavior . And you have the right to be concerned and speak up if you often moderate yourself because of the fear of other family members.

7. Try reaching out rather than withdrawing

If you see other family members as a threat, you may withdraw as a way to protect yourself. However, isolating yourself can prolong the issues between you and make it harder to resolve the conflict.

So, when you feel like withdrawing, try being the bigger person and reaching out instead. Taking a risk and making the first move often pays off, giving you and other family members a chance to resolve things and reconnect.

8. Work as a team

A healthy family is a solid unit, but families consist of multiple people . Even couples without children may run into conflicts of interest. And the situation may not get any easier if people have children or live with other relatives.

To ensure mutual understanding and support, it’s important to agree on common goals and everyone’s individual contribution.

“ Making an effort to have intentional conversations about expectations of each other and each person’s role in meeting these goals is critical, especially as each individual evolves (and so do their needs and capabilities), ” explains Tiffany Lovins.

9. Seek professional help and support if needed

For many people, family is a major part of their lives, and they consider it worth investing in to get it right. Seeking impartial guidance and the help of an expert can help you and your family work through any challenges effectively.

Whether it’s relationship therapy to help build a healthy romantic relationship or online counseling to improve your anger management skills, there’s professional support available for all types of issues.

Those stuck in toxic relationships can also benefit from emotional abuse help .

10. Minimize or end contact completely if nothing helps

While it often pays off to reach out rather than withdraw, some conflicts are simply unresolvable, and you’re better off minimizing or ending contact entirely.

This applies particularly to situations where abuse has occurred, and you expect it could continue in the future. Ending contact is usually the last option, but it’s worth considering if your or your loved one’s health and well-being are at risk.

If you’re a victim of abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline . If you’re in immediate danger, please call 911.

While family conflicts can cause considerable distress and anxiety , finding a healthy resolution is often possible. Remember to let things cool off first and try to consider other family members’ perspectives. Improving your conflict resolution skills is a worthwhile endeavor that could help you in many areas of your life.

If you need additional support, seeking the help of a professional is always a wise choice. Here at Calmerry , our online therapists are ready to work with you individually to resolve any emotional problems you have and improve your mental well-being.

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Family Conflicts Assessment Essay

Mr. Jackson’s family is in trouble because conflict of interests always emerges. The husband is unwilling to appreciate the efforts of his wife while Mrs. Mary does not want to sit back and see her husband infringe on her rights on employment. Recently, the family engaged in a fight, which attracted the attention of neighbors because of its severity. The husband claimed that his wife was not playing her role appropriately since she is expected to serve the family diligently by undertaking the household chores.

On her part, the wife, Mrs. Mary Jackson, believes she has the same privileges and roles as the husband in the sense that she should be allowed to work outside the home. In this paper, the conflicts in Jackson’s family would be explored using sociological concepts. The main reason for locating the family is the unending conflicts that are witnessed almost on daily basis.

Settling on the family was simply because it enjoys a close tie with our family. Regarding age, the couple is in their late thirties and they are of the African race. The economic status of the family is average since they both earn a salary. Education wise, they are both college graduates, with the wife having an advanced degree. Each of the couple has a specific role to play and a scenario where one of them interferes with the position of the other is highly discouraged. However, they both play a great role in parenting.

The main problem in the family is communication because the husband is unwilling to share his views with the wife something that seriously interferes with decision-making. In this regard, power structure is skewed in the sense that it lies with the husband while the wife is left at the mercy of Jackson. The interview revealed that the family does not have clear-cut priorities. The couple was interviewed to capture their views on various family issues.

Many sociological scholars in the modern society are interested in examining family interactions and relationships because of the many problems that couples face. Classical scholars applied various theories in understanding family relations, with structuralism being the most valued at the time whereby each member was expected to play his or her role faithfully. Such scholars had a narrow definition of the family with quite a number terming it a basic social unit that serves the purpose of helping out its members in meeting the desired objectives.

However, this definition is changing and application of other theories, such as conflict theory, symbolic interaction, and systems theory is valid. Even though sociologists offer various definitions of family, a number of scholars agree that it entails a primary social group that consist of parents and children with the major aim being provision of the basic needs. Traditionally, the family had a primary role of socializing its members to be accepted in society, but the case is different in the modern society since other agents of socialization, including the media and the peer, are taking over this primary role.

For instance, children are no longer properties of parents because they receive information from different sources even before they attain the legally attained age. Regarding role playing, the mother is longer a house wife in the sense that she is expected to undertake the affairs of the home while the father provides for the family. In fact, many women are taking over traditional positions that were previously reserved for men. Based on this, other theories should be applied in explaining the current trend as far as family relations are concerned.

Structural scholars believed that, being a social unit, the family is expected to operate as system whereby each individual should undertake his or her responsibility diligently without interfering with those of others. Unfortunately, the notion that the father is the head of the family is no longer valued in many families. In this regard, the views of conflict theorists that tensions characterize social relationships are valid since the husband is reluctant to lose his position while the wife is ambition to take over new responsibilities.

An in-depth interview with the family revealed that the husband is reluctant to allow his wife to play any of the roles that is known to belong to men traditionally. For instance, Jackson is opposed to the idea of his wife joining professional workers in other countries trying to develop their careers. The family is faced with a serious conflict that threatens its survival because communication among members is poor. For Jackson, a woman should never try to compete with a man both in the work place and at home.

He views his wife as a major impediment towards goal attainment in the sense that he is not given his freedom to interact with other people in social places. Whenever he visits his social joint, his wife insists on going together, something that angers him so much. In his view, women have different roles and functions that differ greatly with those of men.

Unfortunately, he does not delineate gender from sex because he does not see any difference. Since men and women differ in physical features, there should be a difference in the gender roles as well. For instance, his wife prefers going with him to shop, but he does not approve this behavior terming it weird and unacceptable. Unfortunately, Jackson wants his wife to participate in providing the basic needs for the family claiming that life is challenging in the modern society and each member should at least contribute something financially.

An assessment of the six sources of power suggests that men derive their power from traditional authorities whereby they were able to control affairs in the society because they are relieved of the childbearing responsibilities. The conflict existing in Jackson’s family is social and the major issue affecting the couple is disclosure of the problem because each of them is reluctant to share it openly.

Even though non-verbal communication play a critical role in sustaining relationships, the couple should consider employing verbal communication since it is direct in explaining the problem. In the interview, Mary noted that she prefers keeping quite when her husband does something unpleasant as opposed to engaging him in talks. She only shows that she has an option through facial expressions. The mode of communication is critical is resolving social conflicts, such as the one affecting the couple and effective utilization of listening skills whereby turn taking is given a chance is advisable.

Marriage and happiness are interrelated to an extent that people agree to enter into consensual unions hoping to enjoy their lives forever. Asked what she is most interested in the relationship, Mary replied happiness, but it is unfortunately she is not getting it. Marriage in societies, irrespective of the level of development, is a valued aspect and many consider it a communal affair, especially developing societies. If an individual is not happy in the relationship, chances are high that he or she would seek divorce and the case of Mary is not different since she believes her husband is always unfair, illogical, and insensible.

Marriage is a concept that is best understood at the two stages, including macro and micro levels. Macro nature of marriage entails looking at it from societal perspective whereby the other people’s contributions and influences are analyzed. For the case of Jackson’s family, the society is to blame for the declining relations among its members because women are supposed to follow orders from their husbands and ensure that they carry out activities of the home as required. In the interview, Jackson complained of being alone at home and was forced to cook, wash, and take care of the child while the wife was away on official duty.

He was never pleased with this and decided to complain to other relatives who advised him to do something to prevent the occurrence of the same situation in future. Marriage after the industrial revolution was never the same as in the traditional society whereby only men were allowed to work. Development of industries diversified labor meaning that men were not enough to offer services. During the World Wars, men were called upon to defend their countries, but the economy could not be left to collapse and the state gave women a new role of producing goods and services in factories.

Since then, the number of women in managerial positions in various organizations is ever increasing, a reality that Jackson is yet to accept. Scholars holding the marital decline perspective observe that industrial revolution and the world wars contributed in destabilizing the family structures since women wanted to further their careers instead of being forced to take care of the domain of the home. Those holding the marital resilience perspective observe that many people managed to stay in relationships during and after the industrial revolution, especially those who accepted the new gender roles.

In regard to upbringing of children, the couple had a problem, but they both underscore the fact criminal behavior is something that can perhaps be learned through the socialization process implying the environment has a role to play in shaping the immoral behaviors in any given society. In the entire interview, the issue of anomie was brought up fully. Durkheim and Merton talked about them in detail. For Durkheim, suicide is mainly caused by the failure of the social institutions, such as the family, the polity, and the school while Merton linked anomie with the personality adaptations.

Durkheim further observed that anomie is a state of formlessness meaning that an individual decides to commit suicide when he or she lacks sufficient guidelines and values that would help in coping with the difficulties in life. For Merton, anomie simply occurs when a person fails to meet societal needs through the socially accepted means, something that forces people to develop new mechanisms to adopt well in society, including confirming to the new rules, engaging in constant innovation, retreating to the established values, such as those of the family, and finally resorting to ritualism.

The couple is likely to suffer from anomie leading to cases of suicide if proper care is not taken. In the interview, Jackson talked about social process tradition, which concentrates mainly on the learning process, socialization, and transmission of subculture behaviors that might be immoral in nature meaning he does not want the adoption of modern cultures.

• Does anyone of you hold a traditional view towards marriage
• How do you share out your responsibilities as a couple
• Do you consider the father the head of the family
• Who is charged with the role of upbringing a child in the family
• Does the family consider the utilization of day care institutions
• Is the mother employed outside the town
• What are some of the source of the family revenue
• Do you share the household chores
• Who is in charge of the family budget and finances
• When doing daily shopping, do both of you go to the market
• Do you enjoy their evenings in the social places together
• What are some of your individual activities
• Do both of you contribute in sustaining the family
• Are you involved in any political activity
• What is the process of making decisions
• Chicago (A-D)
• Chicago (N-B)

IvyPanda. (2022, May 3). Family Conflicts Assessment. https://ivypanda.com/essays/family-conflicts/

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Bibliography

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• Violence in Modern Society: a Summary
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Home — Essay Samples — Life — Family Relationship — My Family Relationship

My Family Relationship

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Essays About Conflict in Life: Top 5 Examples and Prompts

Conflict is a broad and gripping topic, but most struggle to write about it. See our top essays about conflict in life examples and prompts to start your piece.

Conflict occurs when two people with different opinions, feelings, and behaviours disagree. It’s a common occurrence that we can observe wherever and whenever we are. Although conflicts usually imply negative aspects, they also have benefits such as stronger relationships and better communication.

To aid you in your paper, here are five examples to familiarize you with the subject: 

1. Useful Notes On 4 Major Types Of Conflicts (Motivational Conflict) By Raghavendra Pras

2. encountering conflict by julius gregory, 3. complete guide to understanding conflict and conflict resolution by prasanna, 4. analysis of personal conflict experience by anonymous on gradesfixer, 5. personal conflict resolving skills essay by anonymous on ivypanda, 1. conflict: what is and how to avoid it, 2. conflicts in our everyday lives, 3. review on movies or books about conflicts, 4. actions and conflicts , 5. conflicts at home, 6. conflicts that changed my life, 7. my personal experience in covert conflict, 8. cascading conflicts, 9. how does conflict in life benefit you, 10. the importance of conflict management.

“Conflict… results when two or more motives drive behaviour towards incompatible goals.”

Pras regards conflict as a source of frustration with four types. Experimental psychologists identified them as approach-approach, avoidance-avoidance, approach-avoidance, and multiple approach-avoidance. He discusses each through his essay and uses theoretical analysis with real-life examples to make it easier for the readers to understand.

“The nature of conflict shows that conflict can either push people away or bring them into having a closer, more comfortable relationship.”

The main points of Gregory’s essay are the typical causes and effects of conflicts. He talks about how people should not avoid conflicts in their life and instead solve them to learn and grow. However, he’s also aware that no matter if a dispute is big or small, it can lead to severe consequences when it’s wrongly dealt with. He also cites real-life events to prove his points. At the end of the essay, he acknowledges that one can’t wholly avoid conflict because it’s part of human nature.

“…it is important to remember that regardless of the situation, it is always possible to resolve a conflict in some constructive or meaningful way.”

To help the reader understand conflict and resolutions, Prasanna includes the types, causes, difficulties, and people’s reactions to it. She shows how broad conflict is by detailing each section. From simple misunderstandings to bad faith, the conflict has varying results that ultimately depend on the individuals involved in the situation. Prasanna ends the essay by saying that conflict is a part of life that everyone will have to go through, no matter the relationship they have with others. 

“I also now understand that trying to keep someone’s feelings from getting hurt might not always be the best option during a conflict.”

To analyze how conflict impacts lives, the author shares his personal experience. He refers to an ex-friend, Luke, as someone who most of their circle doesn’t like because of his personality. The author shares their arguments, such as when Luke wasn’t invited to a party and how they tried to protect his feelings by not telling Luke people didn’t want him to be there. Instead, they caved, and Luke was allowed to the gathering. However, Luke realized he wasn’t accepted at the party, and many were uncomfortable around him.

The essay further narrates that it was a mistake not to be honest from the beginning. Ultimately, the writer states that he would immediately tell someone the truth rather than make matters worse.

“To me if life did not have challenges and difficult circumstances we were never going to know the strength that we have in us.”

The essay delves into the writer’s conflicts concerning their personal feelings and professional boundaries. The author narrates how they initially had a good relationship with a senior until they filed for a leave. Naturally, they didn’t expect the coworker to lie and bring the situation to their committee. However, the author handled it instead of showing anger by respecting their relationship with the senior, controlling their emotion, and communicating properly.

10 Helpful Prompts On Essays About Conflict in Life

Below are easy writing prompts to use for your essay:

Define what constitutes a conflict and present cases to make it easier for the readers to imagine. To further engage your audience, give them imaginary situations where they can choose how to react and include the results of these reactions. 

If writing this prompt sounds like a lot of work, make it simple. Write a 5-paragraph essay instead.

There are several types of conflict that a person experiences throughout their life. First, discuss simple conflicts you observe around you. For example, the cashier misunderstands an order, your mom forgets to buy groceries, or you have clashing class schedules. 

Pick a movie or book and summarize its plot. Share your thoughts regarding how the piece tackles the conflicts and if you agree with the characters’ decisions. Try the 1985 movie The Heavenly Kid , directed by Cary Medoway, or Where the Conflict Really Lies: Science, Religion, and Naturalism by philosopher Alvin Plantinga.

In this essay, describe how actions can lead to conflict and how specific actions can make a conflict worse. Make your essay interesting by presenting various characters and letting them react differently to a particular conflict.

For example, Character A responds by being angry and making the situation worse. Meanwhile, Character B immediately solves the discord by respectfully asking others for their reasons. Through your essay, you’ll help your readers realize how actions significantly affect conflicts. You’ll also be able to clearly explain what conflicts are.

Your home is where you first learn how to handle conflicts, making it easier for your readers to relate to you. In your essay, tell a story of when you quarreled with a relative and how you worked it out.  For instance, you may have a petty fight with your sibling because you don’t want to share a toy. Then, share what your parents asked you to do and what you learned from your dispute.

If there are simple conflicts with no serious consequences, there are also severe ones that can impact individuals in the long run. Talk about it through your essay if you’re comfortable sharing a personal experience. For example, if your parents’ conflict ended in divorce, recount what it made you feel and how it affected your life.

Covert conflict occurs when two individuals have differences but do not openly discuss them. Have you experienced living or being with someone who avoids expressing their genuine feelings and emotions towards you or something? Write about it, what happened, and how the both of you resolved it.

Some results of cascading conflict are wars and revolutions. The underlying issues stem from a problem with a simple solution but will affect many aspects of the culture or community. For this prompt, pick a relevant historical happening. For instance, you can talk about King Henry VIII’s demand to divorce his first wife and how it changed the course of England’s royal bloodline and nobles.

People avoid conflict as much as possible because of its harmful effects, such as stress and fights. In this prompt, focus on its positive side. Discuss the pros of engaging in disputes, such as having better communication and developing your listening and people skills.

Explain what conflict management is and expound on its critical uses. Start by relaying a situation and then applying conflict resolution techniques. For example, you can talk about a team with difficulties making a united decision. To solve this conflict, the members should share their ideas and ensure everyone is allowed to speak and be heard.

Here are more essay writing tips to help you with your essay.

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Article contents

Work-family conflict and work-life conflict.

• Ellen Ernst Kossek Ellen Ernst Kossek Basil S. Turner Professor of Management, Krannert School of Management, Purdue University
•  and  Kyung-Hee Lee Kyung-Hee Lee Krannert School of Management, Purdue University
• https://doi.org/10.1093/acrefore/9780190224851.013.52
• Published online: 26 October 2017

Work-family and work-life conflict are forms of inter-role conflict that occur when the energy, time, or behavioral demands of the work role conflicts with family or personal life roles. Work-family conflict is a specific form of work-life conflict. Work-family conflict is of growing importance in society as it has important consequences for work, non-work, and personal outcomes such as productivity, turnover, family well-being, health, and stress. Work-family conflict relates to critical employment, family, and personal life outcomes. These include work outcomes (e.g., job satisfaction, organizational commitment, and turnover), family outcomes (e.g., marital satisfaction and family satisfaction), and personal outcomes related to physical health (e.g., physical symptoms, eating and exercise behaviors), and psychological health (e.g., stress and depressive symptoms, life satisfaction). Many different theoretical perspectives are used to understand work-life conflict: starting with role theory, and more recently conservation of resources, job demands and resources, and life course theories. Many methodological challenges are holding back the advancement of work-family conflict research. These include (1) construct overlap between work-family conflict and work-life conflict, and work-life balance measures; (2) measurement issues related to directionality and operationalization; and (3) a lack of longitudinal and multilevel studies. Future research should include studies to (1) advance construct development on linkages between different forms of work-family and work-life conflict; (2) improve methodological modeling to better delineate work-family conflict mechanisms; (3) foster increased variation in samples; (4) develop resiliency interventions that fit specific occupational contextual demands; (5) increase integration and sophistication of theoretical approaches; and (6) update work-family studies to take into account the influence of the growing prevalence of technology that is transforming work-family relationships.

• work-family conflict
• work-life conflict

The Growing Societal Importance of Work-Family Conflict

Work-family conflict is a growing challenge for modern society, as a vast majority of men and women report that work interferes with their family responsibilities (Glavin & Schieman, 2012 ). Work-family conflict is rising due to the changing work and family demographic trends in the United States and around the globe, including growing numbers of mothers with children under 18 in the labor force; the rapid rise in elder care demands due to an aging population; and an increase in men’s involvement with family caregiving demands, particularly in developed Western countries (Kossek & Distelberg, 2009 ; Kossek & Ollier-Malaterre, 2013 ). Work-family conflict is also growing due to the spread of technology that has increased boundary blurring and the pace of daily life, due to the prevalence of personal electronic communication devices that can keep individuals constantly connected to work and family concerns 24-7 (Kossek, 2016 ).

Work-family conflict directly and indirectly affects most of the world population. Even single people and those without children—will report having some work-family conflict as all individuals may be sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, or may live with friends who function as family (Casper, Weltman, & Kwesiga, 2007 ). Work-family conflict also has rising indirect effects as studies show work-family conflicts may cross over to job colleagues (O’Neill et al., 2009 ) and families (Westman, 2001 ).

We organize this article by beginning with a definition of work-family conflict and noting that it is a specific form of work-life conflict. Next we discuss why work-family matters: its consequences. Then we consider theoretical perspectives of work-family conflict; methodological issues; and its mechanisms, including antecedents and mediators/moderators; and conclude with future research.

Definitions and Consequences

Work-family and work-life conflict.

Work-family conflict is a form of inter-role conflict that occurs when the energy, time, or behavioral demands of the work role conflicts with those of the family role (Greenhaus & Beutell, 1985 ). A key assumption of work-family conflict is that the demands and expectations of work (e.g., working late, travel) often conflict with those of the family (e.g., picking up a child after school to be able to attend their soccer practice or music lesson) or taking a parent to the doctor when they are sick and cannot drive themselves. When an individual’s multiple roles such as work and family become incompatible with each other, role conflict occurs (Kahn et al., 1964 ).

Work-life conflict is an extension of work-family conflict reflecting the reality that the work role may interfere with individuals’ other personal life roles and interests. Besides the family role, these can range from time for friends, exercise, military service, education, having time for self and recovery (Kossek, 2016 ), volunteering, or being active in religious organizations. While work-family conflict remains a key factor for many employees, a challenge with current research is that scholars often methodologically and theoretically confound all forms of non-work conflict in the work-family measure (Wilson & Baumann, 2015 ). Consequently, some researchers such as Siegel, Post, Brockner, Fishman, and Garden ( 2005 ) use the term “work-life conflict” to reflect the many additional non-work demands in individuals’ lives that are not restricted to those involving the family. In this article, we use the term work-family conflict and work-life conflict, interchangeably, unless otherwise noted.

Consequences of Work-Family Conflict for Work and Non-Work Roles and Stress

Work-family conflict is related to many critical employment and personal life outcomes. These include work outcomes (e.g., job satisfaction, organizational commitment, and turnover), family outcomes (e.g., marital satisfaction and family satisfaction), physical health (e.g., physical symptoms, eating and exercise behaviors), psychological health (e.g., stress and depressive symptoms), and life satisfaction (Allen & Armstrong, 2006 ; Allen, Herst, Bruck, & Sutton, 2000 ; Grandey & Cropanzano, 1999 ; Kossek, Lautsch, & Eaton, 2006 ; Kossek & Ozeki, 1998 ; Netemeyer, Boles, & McMurrian, 1996 ).

Allen and colleagues’ meta-analysis ( 2000 ) organized consequences of work-family conflict into three main groups: work-related, non-work-related, and stress-related and ranked the relative effect sizes. Among work-related outcomes, turnover intentions ( r = .29) had the strongest relationship followed by job satisfaction ( r = −.24), and organizational commitment ( r = −.23). The non-work-related outcomes were all significant in this order: life satisfaction ( r = −.28) had the strongest relationship, followed by martial satisfaction ( r = −.24) and family satisfaction ( r = −.17). Many stress-related outcomes were significant from alcohol abuse ( r = .17) to all others such as physical health strain and depressive symptoms all being at least r = −.29 and above with burnout being the highest at r = .42.

Theoretical Perspectives

Having discussed the importance of work-family conflict for individuals, families, and organizations, in this section we turn to its theoretical underpinnings. While its theoretical roots are most attributed to role theory, conservation of resources, demands and resources and life-course perspectives have also been used to understand work-family conflict. Role theory focuses on subjective conflict role demands of work and family domains while conservation of resources theory mainly focuses on individual coping strategies to protect depletion of resources. The demands-and-resources approach is often focused at the job level emphasizes the dual processes of job demands and job resources. While sometimes family resources are included, most of the management literature has emphasized the work domain. The conservation of resources theory relies on individual actions to preserve resources while the demands-resources approach emphasizes the importance of perceptions of the work environment. The life-course perspective integrates historical, social, and family contexts into work-family conflict research.

Role Theory

Grounded in role theory (Katz & Kahn, 1978 ), work-family conflict results from the incompatibility of role demands between work and family from time, strain, or behavior (Greenhaus & Beutell, 1985 ). Work role conflict can occur in two directions; from work to family or from family to work (Kossek & Ozeki, 1998 ). It can be asymmetrical in impact as work variables seems to be more strongly related to work-to-family conflict than family variables seem to be related to family-to-work conflict (Byron, 2005 ).

Time-based role conflict occurs when the time demands from work and family compete with each other (Greenhaus & Beutell, 1985 ).For example, overtime takes away hours a parent can spend with children (work-to family conflict); and illness of a family member may limit working hours (family-to-work conflict). Recent studies (Clarkberg & Moen, 2001 ; Dugan, Matthews, & Barnes-Farrell, 2012 ) suggest that subjective measures of time, namely, work hours preferences or perceptions of time pressures are key aspects to update measures of work-family conflict. Strain-based conflict occurs when strain in one role constrains individuals’ ability to perform another role (Greenhaus & Beutell, 1985 ). For example, a study of professionals found that exhaustion and anxiety from work can spill over to family or life domain (work-to-family conflict) limiting individuals’ role performance (Kinman & Jones, 2001 ). On the other hand, new parents may not get enough sleep, affecting their work performance (family-to-work conflict). Behavior-based conflict occurs when behavior patterns related to work and family are not compatible (Greenhaus & Beutell, 1985 ). While some scholars argue that behavior-based work-family conflict may not be relevant to most occupations (Mauno, Kinnunen, & Ruokolainen, 2006 ), it is clear that certain occupations such as military (Britt, Adler, & Castro, 2006 ) or prison guards (Kinman, Clements, & Hart, 2017 ) may require hostile or aggressive interpersonal interactions that may not be suitable in family interactions (work-to-family conflict) (Dierdorff & Ellington, 2008 ). Similarly, needing to be very nurturing with a preschooler may require behaviors that might not fit with a more hard-nosed environment such as being a CEO that has to downsize and fire people or being a police officer that has to arrest people (family-to-work conflict). Thus, there may be occupational variation in the processes and degree to which work-family processes such as positive and negative crossover of roles may operate.

Conservation of Resources Theory

Work-family conflict is typically conceptualized as a type of stress in conservation of resources theory (Hobfoll, 1989 ). When individuals are trying to balance the demands of work and family, they may experience or be threatened to experience the loss of resources such as time and energy, leading to stress that is one form of work-family conflict (Grandey & Cropanzano, 1999 ). Conservation of resources theory is based on the premise that (1) individuals seek to gain and protect objective sources or conditions; and (2) stress occurs when the loss of resources is threatened, and investment of resources does not lead to resource gain (Hobfoll, 1989 ). Conservation of resources theory often emphasizes protection of resources such as a good marriage, free time, personal health, self-discipline, financial assets, and tangible family help with work tasks (Hobfoll, 1989 ). Individuals also gain resources by performing a role well (e.g., promotion, higher pay, or self-esteem). However, resource loss has greater impact (negative) on individual outcomes than resource gain (Hobfoll, 2001 ).

According to the conservation of resources theory, there are several coping mechanisms of work-family conflict. One mechanism relates to the cross-domain investment of resources to prevent resource losses. For example, when individuals experience problems at work (e.g., low performance) or home (e.g., a sick child), they may feel they have to invest more resources in the problem area to prevent resource losses. This may increase stress in one domain that can spill over to the other domain (Grandey & Cropanzano, 1999 ) or limit resources for the other domain (Halbesleben, Harvey, & Bolino, 2009 ). A second mechanism relates to when individuals invest large amount of resources to work or experience chronic, minor losses without any return resource gain, and individuals experience personal burnout (Hobfoll, 2001 ). A third mechanism occurs when individuals may guard against future resource loss through proactive coping, which refers to “efforts undertaken to either prevent a potentially stressful event or modify its form before it occurs (Aspinwall & Taylor, 1997 , p. 417). Here, individuals strive to attain, maintain, and invest in new resources to be better prepared for potential future loss. The ability to engage in proactive coping may depend on the initial level of resources. Individuals have to have enough resources to be able to invest to gain new resources (e.g., new skills), ultimately protecting them from the future resource loss (Hobfoll, 2001 ).

Demands-and-Resources Approaches

Resources-and-demands approaches emphasize the need to examine demands and resources to understand job strain contributing to work-family conflict (Bakker & Demerouti, 2007 ; Bakker, Demerouti, De Boer, & Schaufeli, 2003 ; Voydanoff, 2005a ). The job demands-and-resources model assumes that job demands may deplete individuals’ resources, resulting in negative individual and work outcomes. On the other hand, job resources have potential to motivate individuals to perform better, leading to positive individual and work outcomes (Bakker & Demerouti, 2007 ). This approach also suggests that some job resources such as social support, autonomy, and supervisor feedback may act as a buffer between job demands and job strain (Bakker & Demerouti, 2007 ). For example, Xanthopoulou, Bakker, Demerouti, and Schaufeli ( 2007 ) note that high levels of autonomy and support reduce the impact of job demands on burnout among home-care organization employees.

Voydanoff ( 2005a ) extended one-domain demands-and-resources approaches by integrating both work and family domains. Based on person-environment fit theory (Edwards, Caplan, & Van Harrison, 1998 ; French, Caplan, & Van Harrison, 1982 ) and boundary theory (Ashforth, Kreiner, & Fugate, 2000 ), Voydanoff ( 2005a ) proposed that the cross-domain fit (the work demands-family resources fit and the family demands-work resources fit) is the key to decreasing work-family conflict and achieving work-family balance. Fit is achieved when “resources meet, offset, or satisfy” demands (Voydanoff, 2005a , p. 828). There are two mechanisms of work-family conflict. First, the fit between work demands-family resources and the fit between family demands and work resources have direct relationships with work-family conflict. Second, boundary-spanning strategies such as reducing hours, or reducing family or work demands may mediate or moderate the relationship between work-family fit and work-family conflict to enhance fit (Voydanoff, 2005a ).

Life-Course Perspective

The life-course perspective (Elder, 1998 ) provides a unique framework and concepts such as historical time, transitions, or linked lives to examine work-family conflict. First, the concept of historical time and social context captures shifts in workforce and career zeitgeist from the past. Contemporary workers are less likely to spend their whole career and regularly advance in one organization, and feel secure in their jobs than workers from previous decades. Yet they are more likely to customize their timing of retirement, pursue flexible work arrangements such as reduced workload and telework, and seek work-family balance (Greenhaus & Kossek, 2014 ). Given these historical and life-course changes, it is likely to expect changes in work-life conflict processes. Blair-Loy ( 2003 ) found that younger cohorts of female executives reported less work-family conflict than older cohorts, partly because they are more likely to hire someone to do domestic chores. Second, the concept of transition also helps us to understand how changing family demands over time may affect work-life conflict processes. For example, the child care demands for a newborn baby are quantitatively and qualitatively different from those of an adolescent and may require different types of resources. Furthermore, with the growing elderly population, more people provide informal care to elder family members. These elder care responsibilities may delay retirement to ensure financial and health care coverage, which in turn decrease job satisfaction and increase conflict (Dentinger & Clarkberg, 2002 ). Third, the concept of linked lives allows researchers to examine the crossover effect of family member strain from work-family conflict (Westman, 2001 ). For example, husbands’ work stress can decrease the sense of work-family balance in wives (Fagan & Press, 2008 ). Positive crossover effects can also occur as support from a partner can decrease individuals’ work-family conflict (Becker & Moen, 1999 ; van Daalen, Willemsen, & Sanders, 2006 ; Thorstad, Anderson, Hall, Willingham, & Carruthers, 2006 ). Now we turn to methodological issues related to definitions, measurement, and study designs, and then to mechanisms of work-family conflict.

Methodological Issues

Work-family conflict vs. work-family balance.

One main methodological issue is the issue of construct overlap, such as the work-family conflict and work-life conflict issues noted earlier. Work-family conflict and work-family balance are also closely related concepts. While there seems to be a consensus among scholars that work-family balance is distinct from work-family conflict, empirical evidence is scarce (Greenhaus & Allen, 2010 ). One recent study (Carlson, Grzywacz, & Zivnuska, 2009 ) found that work-life balance explained work and family outcomes beyond the variance explained by work-family conflict, supporting the argument that work-family balance is a distinct concept.

Although work-family balance frequently has been defined as the absence of work-family conflict (Grzywacz & Carlson, 2007 ), a growing number of researchers are conceptualizing work-life balance independent of work-family conflict. Work-family balance is defined as equal commitment to and equal satisfaction in work and family (Greenhaus, Collins, & Shaw, 2003 ; Marks & MacDermid, 1996 ). Some scholars focus on satisfaction with work-family balance defined as “an overall level of contentment resulting from an assessment of one’s degree of success at meeting work and family role demands” (Valcour, 2007 , p. 1512). However, Grzywacz and Carlson ( 2007 ) criticized these definitions arguing (1) that individuals do not seek to achieve equality in their work and family; and (2) that using satisfaction to define work-life balance reinforces the individualist views on work-family balance, making it an individual problem. Instead, they proposed the definition of work-family balance as “accomplishment of role-related expectations that are negotiated and shared between an individual and his or her role-related partners in the work and family domains” (Grzywacz & Carlson, 2007 , p. 458).

Conflict and balance are conceptually overlapping because these concepts are defined or imply the absence of the other. Although not overlapping, a new stream of research focuses on work-family enrichment to understand the positive dynamics between work and family to augment the conflict view, which examines negative dynamics. Work-family enrichment is defined by Greenhaus and Powell ( 2006 , p. 73) as “the extent to which experiences in one role improve the quality of life in the other role” Work-family enrichment theory maintains that positive processes and outcomes can occur from being involved in both work and family. They theorize that three possible mechanisms may foster these benefits: the positive additive effects of multiple roles for well-being; the opportunity to buffer roles so that when something is going wrong in one role, the other role can compensate; and the transfers of positive emotions and skills between roles.

Measurement Issues

Directionality.

Since the 1990s, researchers have realized that work-to-family and family-to-work conflict needed to be measured separately (MacDermid & Harvey, 2006 ). A meta-analysis study (Kossek & Ozeki, 1998 ) on relationships between work-family conflict and job-life satisfaction found stronger findings for bidirectional measures (work-to-family and family-to-work) than non-directional general measures. It also found stronger work-family relationships for women than men. Another meta-analysis (Mesmer-Magnus & Viswesvaran, 2005 ) concluded that work-to-family conflict and family-to-work conflict are related but distinct constructs, warranting separate examination. The bidirectional measures have deepened our understanding of work-family conflict. There is evidence that although work-to-family conflict and family-to-work conflict are correlated and both are associated with individuals’ well-being (Frone, Russell, & Barnes, 1996 ), work-to-family conflict is more common than family-to-work conflict (Frone, 2003 ; Kossek & Ozeki, 1998 ), suggesting asymmetry in impact on general well-being and health. Moreover, in general, work-related variables are more likely to be related to work-to-family conflict and family-related variables are more likely to be associated with family-to-work conflict (Byron, 2005 ; Frone, Yardley, & Markel, 1997 ; Michel, Kotrba, Mitchelson, Clark, & Baltes, 2011 ).

Operationalization and Measures of Work-Family Conflict

The lack of consistency of the operationalization of work-family conflict across studies has been an issue in work-family conflict literature (Allen et al., 2000 ; Kossek & Ozeki, 1998 ; Netemeyer et al., 1996 ). Different operationalization combined with different measures makes integrating and comparing study findings of work-family conflict challenging. Furthermore, after reviewing 67 studies, Allen and colleagues ( 2000 ) concluded that single-item measures, measures with unknown validity and measures with different foci were prevalent problems (for detailed list of measures, see Allen et al., 2000 ; Byron, 2005 ; Mesmer-Magnus & Viswesvaran, 2005 ). They recommended that measures should be developed that cover both work-to-family conflict and family-to-work conflict (e.g., Netemeyer et al., 1996 ) and Greenhaus and Beutell’s ( 1985 ) three forms of work-family conflict (time-, strain, and behavior-based conflict; e. g., Carlson, Kacmar, & Williams, 1998 ; Stephens & Sommer, 1996 ).

Cross-Sectional vs. Longitudinal Designs

While there have been many studies identifying antecedents, mediators/moderators, and consequences of work-family conflict, scholars cannot assume causal relationships because most are cross-sectional. Although some longitudinal studies have confirmed some causal relationships between antecedents, work-family conflict, and consequences (Dormann & Zapf, 2002 ; de Jonge et al., 2001 ; Wong, Hui, & Law, 1998 ), other studies found reciprocal or reverse relationships. For example, in a one-year longitudinal study (Kinnunen, Geurts, & Mauno, 2004 ), work-family conflict and well-being variables (job, family, and physical well-being) at time 1 predicted each other at time 2. In another study, general distress predicted work-to-family interference six months later but work-to-family interference did not predict general distress over time (Kelloway, Gottlieb, & Barham, 1999 ). More longitudinal studies are needed to understand causal processes of work-family conflict.

Yet sometimes longitudinal designs are not always appropriate or practical. There are several issues to consider when deciding to design a longitudinal work-family conflict study: (1) whether the research question is related to continuity and change over time, (2) time involved, (3) money involved, and (4) how to deal with missing data (Crouter & Pirretti, 2006 ). Work-family conflict also may be episodic as opposed to an on-going continuous phenomenon. Work-family researchers need to more carefully select the most appropriate study design based on the research question and practical issues.

Mechanisms of Work-Family and Work-Life Conflict

Research on work-family conflict has expanded from simply focusing on identifying antecedents and consequences to unveiling mechanisms or processes by identifying mediators and moderators, and using longitudinal design. Mediators help uncover hidden relationships or eliminate false relationships between variables. For example, many studies found a direct relationship between work-family conflict and turnover intention (Grandey & Cropanzano, 1999 ; Netemeyer et al., 1996 ). However, a study with 171 IT workers, Ahuja, Chudoba, Kacmar, McKnight, and George ( 2007 ) did not find a direct relationship between work-family conflict and turnover intentions, but the relationship was mediated by organizational commitment.

Moderators refine our understanding by highlighting the relationships between antecedent and outcome variables under certain conditions or for capturing variation in levels of sample characteristics. For example, in their study of accountants, Greenhaus, Parasuraman, and Collins ( 2001 ) found that the relationship between work-to-family conflict and withdrawal intentions and behaviors were stronger for accountants with lower levels of career involvement than those with higher levels of career involvement. Now we will briefly review antecedents, mediators/moderators, and consequences of work-family conflict separately.

Antecedents of Work-Family Conflict

Individual characteristics.

Meta-analysis studies (Byron, 2005 ; Kossek & Ozeki, 1998 ; Michel et al., 2011 ) identified some individual characteristics including gender, income, coping skills, and personality as antecedents of both work-to-family conflict and family-to-work conflict. Male workers tended to report higher work-to-family conflict while female workers tended to report higher family-to-work conflict. Income was only related to work-to-family conflict (Byron, 2005 ). Coping skills have not attracted much attention in work-family conflict literature (Kopelman, Greenhaus, & Connolly, 1983 ) despite some empirical evidence of usefulness in reducing conflict (Burke, 1998 ; Rotondo, Carlson, & Kincaid, 2003 ) and the growing interest in work-life interventions (Kossek, 2016 ). In a meta-analysis study (Michel et al., 2011 ), coping skills had similar effect sizes to work-to-family and family-to-work conflict ( ρ ‎ = .12 and ρ ‎ = .15, respectively), indicating that positive coping skills are valuable resources.

Some recent studies examine the relationships between personality characteristics (Bernas & Major, 2000 ; Grzywacz & Carlson, 2007 ; Stoeva, Chiu, & Greenhaus, 2002 ; Wayne, Musisca, & Fleeson, 2004 ) and work-family conflict. These studies generally were designed based on the assumption that some personal characteristics such as hardiness or agreeableness would be helpful in dealing with stress and strain while characteristics such as neuroticism would exacerbate work-family conflict. In fact, different big-five personality traits seem to have different effect on work-family conflict. For example, in a study with a large random sample (Wayne et al., 2004 ), neuroticism had the strongest positive relationship with both work-to-family and family-to-work conflict among the big-five personality characteristics. While agreeableness and conscientiousness were negatively associated with work-family conflict, extraversion and openness to experience were not. Kossek, Ruderman, Braddy, and Hannum ( 2012 ) found that variation in boundary management styles or how people organized work and non-work interruptions predicted work-family conflict with integrators reporting more work-family conflict than separators, a condition that was stronger under conditions of low job control. Kossek and Lautsch ( 2012 ) theorized a multi-level model suggesting that the more the organizational culture supported customization of work-family boundary management styles and diversity in boundary management style enactment, the lower the work-family conflict.

Family-Related Variables

Characteristics related to family structure including number of children, the age of children, and marital status have been identified as antecedents of work-to-family and family-to-work conflict. More children and having young children tend to be related to increased work-to-family and family-to-work conflict (Byron, 2005 ; Michel et al., 2011 ). Not surprisingly, parents with more children reported more family-to-work conflict than work-to-family conflict. Married workers reported higher work-to-family conflict but lower family-to-work conflict than single workers (Byron, 2005 ). One weakness of using family demographic measures alone, however, is that they measure role occupancy but not necessarily role involvement or the level of involvement in the family role.

Many variables related to the family role have been identified as antecedents of work-family conflict: (1) role involvement (e.g., hours spent, family involvement); (2) stress (e.g., family stress, family conflict, family overload); and (3) family identity (e.g., family identity salience, family centrality). Antecedents related to the family role such as family role involvement, hours spent, family conflict, family stress, and family role overload tend to be related to increased work-to-family and family-to-work conflict (Byron, 2005 ; Michel et al., 2011 ). However, family centrality (prioritizing family over work) was associated with lower levels of work-to-family and family-to-work conflict (Michel et al., 2011 ), suggesting some individuals may adopt strategies to reduce work-to-family conflict to protect the family role (Kossek et al., 2012 ) Family support can also be valuable as meta-analytic studies show that social support from family and spouse was negatively associated with both work-to-family and family-to-work conflict in similar magnitude (Byron, 2005 ; Michel et al., 2011 ).

Job-Related Variables

Many characteristics related to the job (e.g., organizational tenure, salary, work hours, job autonomy, job authority, job rank, blue collar vs. white collar, self-employment) have been examined as possible antecedents of work-family conflict and family-to-work conflict. However, there are conflicting findings on some of these variables. For example, organizational or job tenure tend to lead greater flexibility, leading to lower work-to-family conflict. Longer job tenure tends to be related to job status in the organization and higher job status tends to be related to more responsibilities and, thus, higher stress. Moreover, higher salary may relate to lower work-family conflict yet higher salary is also highly related to higher job status and more responsibilities (Michel et al., 2011 ). Thus these variables should not be looked at in isolation but together and family and work-role involvement must be measured simultaneously. Variables related to work-role involvement such as work hours, work demands, job involvement, job role ambiguity, and work identity have been identified as antecedents of work-to-family conflict (Byron, 2005 ; Dierdorff & Ellington, 2008 ; Michel et al., 2011 ; Voydanoff, 2005b ).

General support from supervisors and coworkers have been found to be negatively associated with both work-to-family and family-to-work conflict but the association was stronger with work-to-family conflict than to family-to-work conflict in meta-analysis studies (Byron, 2005 ; Michel et al., 2011 ; Kossek, Pichler, Hammer & Bodner, 2011 ).

Organization-Level and Occupational-Level Variables

Family-supportive work environments help workers to reduce work-to-family conflict (Kossek & Ozeki, 1998 ; Kossek et al., 2011 ; Mesmer-Magnus & Viswesvaran, 2006 ). The number of available work-family policies (e.g., flexible work arrangement, family leave, and dependent care assistant) have been the most common indicators of family-supportive work environments. However, without the organizations’ work-family culture, workers may not utilize the policies for fear of negative career consequences (Behson, 2002 ; Bragger et al., 2005 ). Thus, some scholars argue that the better indication of family-supportive environment is the perceived access to the work-family policy rather than the number of available policies (Kossek et al., 2011 ).

Supervisors play an important role in creating family-supportive environments. First of all, they can inform the employees the available work-family policies. In addition, supervisors who help employees to manage work-family demands can indirectly reduce work-to-family conflict by creating the family-supportive work environments. More importantly, family-supportive supervisors are directly associated with less work-to-family conflict (Hammer, Kossek, Bodner, & Crain, 2013 ; Hammer, Kossek, Yragui, Bodner, & Hanson, 2009 ). Furthermore, in another meta-analysis study, work-family specific support from supervisors was more strongly associated with work-to-family conflict than general supervisor support (Kossek et al., 2011 ).

The interest in occupation-level variables is a new development in work-family conflict literature. Dierdorff and Ellington ( 2008 ) argued that occupations dictate and shape certain role behaviors, which in turn explains the differences in work-family conflict across different occupations. They found that differences in role behaviors (interdependence and responsibility for others) across occupations explained variance in work-family conflict. Individuals with occupations that required higher levels of interdependence (having to interact with others to perform the job) and responsibility for others reported more work-family conflict than individuals whose occupations required lower levels of interdependence and responsibility for others. Occupations are also linked to access to work-family supports such as flexible work arrangements and job demands that may interfere with family life (Kossek & Perrigino, 2016 ). For example, professionals have greater access to telework unlike blue collar workers.

National/Cultural-Level Variables

Countries’ structure and culture are important contexts in understanding work-family conflict (for a comprehensive review, see Ollier-Malaterre & Foucreault, 2017 ). Similar to family-supportive work environments, national culture and policies may have impact on work-family conflict in many different ways. In a recent cross-national study in Europe, den Dulk, Groeneveld, Ollier-Malaterre, and Valcour ( 2013 ) found that national policies related to work-family support were strongly related to the extent that organizations adapted family-supportive policies such as dependent care arrangements (e.g., maternal/paternal leaves, family leave, child care support) and flexible work arrangements. The opposite pattern was found in the relationship between cultural centrality of work and organizations’ adoption of family-supportive policies. Organizations in the countries that value work as central to individuals and society adopted family-supportive policies less than those in the countries with lower levels of cultural centrality of work.

Another cultural value that is related to work-family conflict is individualism versus collectivism. Individuals in collectivistic countries tend to report more family-to-work conflict and less work-to-family conflict than those in individualist cultures (Allen, French, Dumani, & Shockley, 2015 ; Ng & Feldman, 2014 ). More family-to-work interruptions may explain higher levels of family-to-work conflict (Allen et al., 2015 ) while considering work as a necessary sacrifice for the family explains the lower levels of work-to-family conflict (Galovan et al., 2010 ) in collectivistic societies.

Mediators and Moderators of Work-Family Conflict

There is not a clear research literature clarifying identified mediators and moderators of work-family conflict, mostly due to the lack of longitudinal studies. A related issue in work-family conflict research is that the same variables have been used as antecedents and mediators/moderators in different (often cross-sectional) studies, potentially confusing the conceptualization of the mechanisms rather than helping to unveil new mechanisms.

Take personality as an example, which has been identified as an antecedent of work-family conflict. Yet personality has also been included as a mediator and a moderator between antecedents and work-family conflict (Stoeva et al., 2002 ) as well as between work-family conflict and consequences including job exhaustion and depression (Kinnunen, Vermulst, Gerris, & Mäkikangas, 2003 ). Stoeva and colleagues ( 2002 ) found that trait negativity mediated the relationship between stress and work-family conflict. Trait negativity also moderated the relationship so that the relationship between stress and work-family conflict was stronger for individuals with high negativity than individuals with low negativity. In another study (Kinnunen et al., 2003 ), emotional stability of fathers moderated the relationship between work-to-family conflict and well-being (e.g., job exhaustion and depression) and agreeableness moderated the relationship between family-to-work conflict and marital satisfaction. The relationships were stronger for emotionally unstable fathers and less agreeable fathers than their counterparts respectively.

Social support has also been included in work-family conflict studies as an antecedent, a mediator, and a moderator. Citing this as a limitation, Carlson and Perrewé ( 1999 ) tested four different models (social support as a mediator, a moderator, an antecedent of work-family conflict, and as an antecedent of stress) and confirmed that the antecedent to the stress model fit the data the best. However, their findings are not robust because they used cross-sectional data.

Individualism versus collectivism is another example. The relationships between work-family demands (antecedents) and work-to-family conflict found to be stronger in collectivistic cultures than in individualistic cultures (Lu et al., 2010 ). Collectivism also moderates the relationship between work-to-family conflict and depression in the same pattern (Fackrell, Galovan, Hill, & Holmes, 2013 ).

In most studies, individual characteristics such as gender, parental status, and marital status have been used as control variables. However, some meta-analysis studies included these as moderators and some of their findings have practical implications (Byron, 2005 ; Michel et al., 2011 ). For example, Michel and colleagues ( 2011 ) found that married individuals and parents may benefit more from family-supportive organizations (e.g., coworker social support, work schedule flexibility, family-supportive policies) than their counterparts.

Closing and Future Research

This preceding article suggests the need for more nuanced theoretically-based and longitudinal future research on work-family conflict. First, we need more in-depth research on construct development on linkages between different forms of work-family conflict and work-life conflict. For example, Wilson and Baumann ( 2015 ) have developed four new constructs that capture four types of inter-role conflict (work-to-personal, personal-to-work, family-to-personal, and personal-to-family conflict). Further, although there is clear evidence that work-to-family and family-to-work conflict are distinct constructs, they are still sometimes conceptualized and operationalized as one. This leads to the use of less reliable and valid measures and, consequently, hinders integration and comparison of the study findings. More efforts to validate existing measures and to use newer validated and theoretically stronger measures such as the Wilson and Baumann measures noted can help advance theory development and refinement.

Future research should conduct a more fine-grained analysis using these different forms of work-life and work-family conflict. We also need to bring in new measures of work-family balance and link to studies of work-family enrichment that focus on positive work-family relationships.

Second, we need to improve our methodological modeling to better explain and delineate the mechanisms of work-family conflict. While we have ample evidence of the antecedents and consequences of work-family conflict, we lack the understanding of conditions on which the relationships between variables vary. More studies that test mediation and moderation effects are needed. These models also need to consider contexts such as larger organizational, cross-cultural, and societal contexts. Many studies tend to focus on one level and more multi-level research is needed on nested relationships beyond an singular individual and organizational focus. Studies with multiple-level analyses will help us understand how different level variables interact with each other and how certain variables act differently across employee groups.

Although many antecedents and consequences of work-family conflict have been identified, our understanding of the mechanisms of work-family conflict is not complete due to the lack of longitudinal studies and consistent conceptualization. Without longitudinal studies, we cannot infer causal relationships based on study findings. The lack of longitudinal studies also leads to the conceptualization challenges. Because most of the studies that tested mediation or moderation effect used cross-sectional data, it is difficult to interpret or incorporate findings from the studies that used the same variables as antecedents, mediators, or moderators.

Third, we will need to increase the variation in samples and design interventions that fit these samples’ specific occupational contextual demands to better understand how to foster work-life resiliency (Kossek & Perrigino, 2016 ). Most studies still focus on white collar workers and professionals or overlook variation in the nature of job demands. The results may be different with blue collar workers or low-wage hourly workers because their needs are different. For example, Stanczyk, Henly, and Lambert ( 2016 ) observed that many women with an hourly retail job tend to have multiple jobs to compensate for the low wage and it may create additional conflict between work and family because of the scheduling complexity. Given the fact that many hourly workers may not have access to organizational family-supportive benefits such as paid leave and a dependent care assistant, we need to understand more about the work-family conflict processes to find ways to decrease work-family conflict. Research must move beyond simply describing work-family conflict to include interventions in randomized or naturally occurring field experiments to close the research-to-practice gap (Kossek, Baltes, & Matthews, 2011 ; Kossek, 2016 ).

Fourth, we need to integrate and have more sophistication in theoretical approaches. Theories that have guided so many studies in work-family conflict literature such as role theory, resource conservation theory, and life-course perspectives all served the field greatly. However, these theories can be complemented with mini theories. For example, challenge and hindrance stress theory (LePine, LePine, & Jackson, 2004 ) argues that not all stress is the same. They distinguish challenge stress (e.g., new skills, personal growth) form hindrance stress (e.g., role ambiguity, low-value work) and argue that challenge stress may be beneficial to individuals rather than creating negative consequences. Theories like this can help us tease out certain specific conditions that work-family conflict may arise.

Lastly, work-family studies need to catch up with how technology has transformed work-life relationships. With the wide use of smart phones, tablets, and laptop computers, new research is looking at boundary management strategies (Kossek & Lautsch, 2012 ) used by individuals and how these technologies have created more ways for us to interrupt others and to be interrupted by others both at work and home. Because the technologies created ways to be connected 24/7, some supervisors or families may expect their employees to be reachable any time. Moreover, we can take work to family events or vacations, should the need arise. More multilevel studies are needed to understand the full ramifications of these new communication and computer technologies that have fundamentally changed the relationship between the work and family spheres in the digital age (Kossek, 2016 ; Kossek & Lautsch, 2012 ).

Acknowledgment

Shared first authorship as both authors contributed in equal and distinctive ways to this entry.

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