essay on better parents

• My Parents Essay

500 Words Essay On My Parents

We entered this world because of our parents. It is our parents who have given us life and we must learn to be pleased with it. I am grateful to my parents for everything they do for me. Through my parents essay, I wish to convey how valuable they are to me and how much I respect and admire them.

My Strength My Parents Essay

My parents are my strength who support me at every stage of life. I cannot imagine my life without them. My parents are like a guiding light who take me to the right path whenever I get lost.

My mother is a homemaker and she is the strongest woman I know. She helps me with my work and feeds me delicious foods . She was a teacher but left the job to take care of her children.

My mother makes many sacrifices for us that we are not even aware of. She always takes care of us and puts us before herself. She never wakes up late. Moreover, she is like a glue that binds us together as a family.

Parents are the strength and support system of their children. They carry with them so many responsibilities yet they never show it. We must be thankful to have parents in our lives as not everyone is lucky to have them.

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While my mother is always working at home, my father is the one who works outside. He is a kind human who always helps out my mother whenever he can. He is a loving man who helps out the needy too.

My father is a social person who interacts with our neighbours too. Moreover, he is an expert at maintaining his relationship with our relatives. My father works as a businessman and does a lot of hard work.

Even though he is a busy man, he always finds time for us. We spend our off days going to picnics or dinners. I admire my father for doing so much for us without any complaints.

He is a popular man in society as he is always there to help others. Whoever asks for his help, my father always helps them out. Therefore, he is a well-known man and a loving father whom I look up to.

Conclusion of My Parents Essay

I love both my parents with all my heart. They are kind people who have taught their children to be the same. Moreover, even when they have arguments, they always make up without letting it affect us. I aspire to become like my parents and achieve success in life with their blessings.

FAQ of My Parents Essay

Question 1: Why parents are important in our life?

Answer 1: Parents are the most precious gifts anyone can get. However, as not everyone has them, we must consider ourselves lucky if we do. They are the strength and support system of children and help them out always. Moreover, the parents train the children to overcome challenges and make the best decision for us.

Question 2: What do parents mean to us?

Answer 2: Parents mean different things to different people. To most of us, they are our source of happiness and protection. They are the ones who are the closest to us and understand our needs without having to say them out loud. Similarly, they love us unconditionally for who we are without any ifs and buts.

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Narrative Essay: I Love My Parents

Parents are the closest people that we have in our lives, whether we realize it or not. They love us not because we are smart, beautiful, successful or we have a good sense of humour, but just because we are their children. I, too, love mom and dad simply because they are my parents, but I think I would have felt the same even if they weren’t. I love who they are as people, each with their own individual traits – and, together, forming an amazing super-team that’s made me who I am today and taught me what life is all about.

My mother is a cheerful, chatty perfectionist who seems to always find something to get excited about and who can talk for hours about animals and flowers. She is never afraid to speak her mind and she can be very convincing when she wants to. She sometimes get upset a bit too easily, but she is just as quick to forgive and forget. I love mom for all that she is – even when she’s angry – for all that she has done for me, and for all that she’s taught me. My mom has been through a lot throughout the years, but she always kept fighting.She taught me to never lose hope even in the direst of moments, and she showed me how to look for happiness in the small things. She’s been trying to teach me to be more organized as well, but hasn’t succeeded yet. I love her for that too.

My father is quiet, patient and calm, and he has an adorable hit-and-miss sense of humour. I may not always find his jokes that funny, but I love him for trying. Dad almost never gets angry and he is always polite, friendly and nice to everyone. He is not the one to verbalize emotions, but he always shows his feelings through sweet gestures and little surprizes. He is the pacifist in our family and never goes against mom’s wishes, but he runs a large company witha firm hand. I love my father for all these characteristics and for all he’s sacrificed to build a better life for us. He’s worked day and night to ensure we afford good education and have a rich, wonderful childhood, and he has passed up many great opportunities for the benefit of our family. I love dad because he’s taught me that you cannot have it all in life, but with hard work and dedication, you can have what matters most to you.

Mom and dad may be very different people, but they complement each other perfectly. Together, they formed a super-team that was always there – and, thankfully, still is – to provide comfort, nurturing, and support and help me grow as a person. Their complementary personalities bring balance in our family, and each of them steps in whenever they are needed the most. Together, they taught me to believe in myself and have turned me into a fighter. Their care and dedication towards me and each other has served as an example of what healthy relationships should be like, and I love and admire them for that.

I love my parents because they are my parents, my good friends, my heroes, my role models, my safe haven, my pillars of strength.I am who I am today thanks to them, and I know that their support and affection will play an essential role in what I will become in the future.All I can hope is that, when I have children of my own, I will be half as good a parent as they were to me.

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Writing Compassionately about Parents

Today ’s post is by writer and editor Katie Bannon ( @katiedbannon ).

You may be familiar with the iconic opening line of Anna Karenina : “All happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Many of us end up writing about our family dynamics in memoir and personal essays, whether we planned to or not. Family members, for better or for worse, are endlessly fascinating. But how do we write about our uniquely dysfunctional families—and our parents, in particular—without being petty? How can we craft rich portraits that show their full, flawed humanity?

The more complex, the better.

Readers respond most to complicated characters. Try to be as balanced as possible in your portrayal of your parents. Showing their redeeming qualities alongside their shortcomings will make them read as human on the page. As a species, we are full of contradictions, and your parent characters should be too.

Remember that it’s difficult for readers to connect with characters who appear one-dimensional. If your mother or father is coming across as either wholly good or wholly bad, the reader is likely to distrust you as a narrator. Readers might wonder if you’ve done the processing necessary to come to terms with who your parents are/were, and if personal grievances are causing you to portray them unfairly.

Readers are also highly attuned to moments when the narrator wants them to see a character a particular way, rather than allowing them to form their own judgments. A one-sided portrayal of a parent won’t cause a reader to hate or love them—it will probably only make them detach from the narrative entirely. Capturing our parents’ complexity isn’t about giving them a “free pass” or sugar-coating their flaws. It’s about ensuring our readers can feel invested in them as characters, and as a result, stay engaged in the narrative as a whole.

If you’re writing about a difficult parent, consider how you might add nuance and compassion to their portrayal by asking the following questions:

• What might have motivated the parent to act the way they did? Was it protectiveness? Fear? Low self-esteem?
• As an adult, what do you understand about the parent that you didn’t know when you were a child?
• Think about the parent’s own trauma and family history. Can you draw connections between the parent’s actions/behaviors and their own past? The ways their own parents treated them?

On the flipside, maybe you idealize a parent. Sometimes this happens once parents have passed away; grief can make it difficult for us to recognize a parent’s shortcomings. But readers distrust perfect characters—they often read as inauthentic or cartoon-like. To help dig deeper into your parent’s complexity, ask yourself the following questions:

• What scares/scared this person? What is/was their greatest fear?
• What do you imagine is/was their biggest regret in life?
• What makes/made your parent feel embarrassed or ashamed?

Don’t tell us who your parents are. Show us instead.

Scenes allow us to watch your parents in action. We can see how they interact with you and others, observe their body language and mannerisms (biting fingernails, scowling, etc.), and hear the way they speak. Detail is at the heart of excellent character portrayals, and scenes are the perfect place to create the color and texture that brings parent characters to life.

Many of us harbor strong feelings toward our parents. This may result in a tendency to sum them up neatly in the narration: “My father was an angry man.” “My mother dealt with a lifetime of guilt.” While telling certainly has its place in memoir and personal essay, it’s often more effective to show us your parents’ personalities through scenes.

Instead of telling us your father was an angry man, show us a scene of him throwing a plate across the kitchen. Paint a picture of his anger through the details: the furrowing of his brow, the thunderous sound of the plate smashing, the way his screams echoed off the walls. A scene like this will allow readers to feel your father’s rage in a visceral, immersive way.

Showing parents in scene also helps you avoid labeling them. Labels reduce your parents to a “type,” diluting the nuance of your character portrayals. Mary Karr doesn’t call her parents “alcoholics” in her memoirs; instead, we see her pouring her parents’ vodka down the drain. Scenes and hyper-specific details are what make your parents idiosyncratic and believable to a reader.

Need help showing your parents on the page? Try this writing exercise:

Write a scene about a time you fought with or were scolded by a parent. The key here is using details to humanize the parent and show the reader the dynamic between the two of you. Play with the tension between what the character of “you ” wants in the scene, versus what the character of your parent wants. Try to include the following elements:

• Your parent’s physical characteristics
• Your parent’s body language (twirling hair, stiffening of the shoulders, etc.)
• Your parent’s speech (word choice, tone, cadence)
• Your parent’s actions and reactions
• Speculation about what your parent might have wanted and/or felt in the scene (which may be in conflict with what you felt/wanted)

Use “telling details” that capture your parents’ essence.

Sometimes just one detail about a parent can speak volumes about who they are. These “telling details” could be as simple as a nervous tic, a favorite catchphrase, or the way they take their coffee. In my memoir, I describe how my father told waiters we had a show to catch (even when we didn’t) just to speed up the service. My mother insisted on standing on the outside of the group in family photos, doing her best to slip out of the photo entirely. Carefully chosen details evoke a huge amount about a parent’s life and identity.

Don’t neglect “telling” physical descriptors. Sometimes we’re so familiar with family members we don’t include the level of detail necessary for readers to see, hear, and feel them on the page. Details like how your parents dressed, the way they walked, what cherished objects they kept in their purse or wallet, can go a long way.

Which “telling details” about your parents will capture their essence on the page? Brainstorm ideas by filling in the blanks.

• On a hot day, my mother/father always wore _______ and drank _______.
• The object my mother/father most treasured was ______ because _______.
• When we had company over, my mother/father would ________.
• When my mother/father was annoyed, her/his voice would ________ and her/his face looked like ________.
• Around the holidays, my mother/father would _________, but she/he would never ________.

Final thoughts

Parents have the potential to be your most vivid characters. Their nuances and contradictions provide incredibly fertile ground for writers. Still, writing compassionately about parents is no easy task. Applying character-focused craft techniques—leaning into complexity, developing scenes, and using evocative details—is crucial to making parent characters believable and engaging for the reader. Only then can we hope to bring our parents, and their humanity, to life on the page.

Katie Bannon  is a writer, editor, and educator whose work has appeared in  The Rumpus, ELLE Magazine, Narratively , and more. Her memoir manuscript, which charts her journey as a compulsive hair puller, was a finalist for the Permafrost Nonfiction Book Prize. A graduate of GrubStreet’s Memoir Incubator, she holds an MFA in creative nonfiction from Emerson College. She is a developmental editor who loves working with memoirists and essayists on how to write and revise their most vulnerable, taboo stories. She teaches at GrubStreet and lives in Central Massachusetts with her partner and two cats.

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Great piece. Really helpful!

I’m so glad it was useful, Ellen!

This teaching article has helped me very much. I have struggled for over a year at writing a memoir of my relationship with my father and how I have come to forgive him since his death 8 years ago. Thank you for publishing this. I am certain I will reread it several times as I work towards finishing the book.

I’m so glad to hear it helped, Elizabeth! Your story sounds really powerful — best of luck as you work toward completing the manuscript!

Thank you for this insightful post. It was exactly what I needed at this juncture in my writing. I am writing about my sister and I had completely forgotten to do a physical description. Can you believe it?

I’m so glad this was useful, Naomi! And I can absolutely believe it — it took me multiple drafts of writing about family members before I realized I’d included almost no physical description of them…it’s easy to forget to do that on the page when we can picture them so well in our own minds!

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6 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills

Steps You Can Take Right Now to Be a Better Parent

Cultura RM Exclusive / Erin Lester / Getty Images

• Listen to Your Kids

Stick to Your Rules

Be a good role model, control your emotions, be flexible, show lots of love.

Raising kids is never easy. In fact, it's often one of the most challenging—and frustrating—things you will ever do, especially because you are learning parenting skills as you go. No one goes into parenting knowing exactly how to handle everything that is thrown at them. But the best parents are always looking for ways to improve.

If you want to learn more about parenting, you've already made the first step toward becoming the best parent you can be. Clearly, you care about how you interact with and raise your kids ; that's likely the most important part of being a good parent.

Parents who struggle with their parenting responsibilities or feel too overwhelmed to try to improve may be negatively impacting their kids. Neuroscience research shows that when kids are exposed to negative experiences during their childhood, it can be harmful to their developing brains.

But being a good parent can offset those negative experiences—and enhancing your positive parenting skills is a great place to start. To help you work on consistently improving your parenting skills , view this parenting skill checklist of six things you can do right now to be a better parent to your kids.

Parenting Tips

• Listen to your kids
• Stick to your rules
• Be a good role model
• Control your emotions
• Be flexible
• Show lots of love

Listen to Your Kids 

Have you ever been so busy that you don't realize your kids are talking to you? Don't worry—it happens to the best of us. However, when you are spending time with your child, do your best to avoid distractions , including those intrusive thoughts about work, the laundry, or your phone that seems to be calling your name.

Make it a priority to know what your kids are hoping for, what they fear, and what they feel anxious about. Listen and ask questions, even if they ignore you or try to evade answering. When you demonstrate that you care, you are showing them that you love and value them and their thoughts and opinions.

Active listening also means you focus on what is being said without thinking about how you're going to respond. It's about watching body language and picking up on cues.

Another way to improve your listening skills is to get on your child's level so that you can look them in the eye. That may mean kneeling down so that you match their height. Give your kids your complete attention and make good eye contact.

Even reaching out and gently touching their arm or holding their hand when they're upset communicates not only that they have your full attention, but that you empathize with what they're feeling.

As a parent, it's your job to teach your kids the difference between right and wrong, which means you need to follow the rules, too. So, when you do something wrong, make a mistake, or lose your cool, fess up. Model how to apologize, take responsibility for your actions and make amends.

You also need to be sure your discipline is consistent but flexible. For instance, there will be times when you'll say no to your kids and mean it. There will be other times when you realize you've made a mistake or perhaps responded too harshly.

If you do change your rules, be sure you say, "I was wrong," and explain why you changed your mind. Also, remember that we all make mistakes. So, don't be afraid to admit that.

However, when the punishment fits the crime, stick to your guns. Kids notice inconsistencies and will use them in their favor. Remember, rules must be enforced after they are made. And whatever rules are set in your house , you need to follow them as well, unless you have a really good reason why you're excluded.

Don't do anything in front of your children that you wouldn't want them to do. If you find yourself exhibiting behavior that you don't want your child to mimic, then it's a sign you should change how you react in certain situations. Kids will copy what you do , not what you say.

Remember, your kids are watching you head off to work every day. They see you doing chores, making dinner , and paying the bills. As a result, it's important that they see you managing your responsibilities to the best of your abilities. Just remember, you aren't trying to be perfect, you're just teaching them about the importance of hard work , responsibility, and honesty.

If you lose your cool in front of your kids, they may become fearful or anxious, especially if they are younger. Whether you're arguing with a customer service representative on the phone or you're having a disagreement with your spouse , do your best to avoid exhibiting reactive, immature, or mean behavior in the presence of your children.

Anytime you lose control, yell, or argue with someone, you're showing your children this is how people react when times get tough. Instead, demonstrate how you can keep your cool and resolve problems in a calm manner. When you do, you're showing them what  emotional intelligence  looks like.

If you do blow up, be sure to apologize and take responsibility for your anger. Doing so is another way to model healthy behavior.

Sometimes parents struggle with unrealistic expectations and goals for both their kids and for themselves. When this happens, parenting can feel burdensome and overwhelming. If you find that you regularly feel that way, you may need to be more flexible when it comes to yourself, your kids, and your parenting.

Being a perfectionist parent is stressful. Not only do parents in this camp fear messing their kids up for life, but they also put extreme pressure on their kids to perform flawlessly. They also expect way too much of themselves.

Likewise, if you are a perfectionist, you may worry about what other parents think of you or that you will be shamed for your parenting . For instance, you might feel that your toddler isn't potty training fast enough or that your school-age kids aren't doing well enough in school. This kind of pressure can backfire, especially if your expectations set your child up to feel like a failure.

It's important to take a step back and reevaluate whether or not your expectations are realistic.

Likewise, learn to be more flexible and let go of things that don't matter in the long run. Both you and your kids will benefit from a more go-with-the-flow attitude.

There's no doubt that you love your kids, but how do you show them? Do you shower them with kisses and hugs as often as you can? Remember, embracing your child will make them feel safe and loved. So will holding their hand, stroking their hair, and kissing their cheek.

Another way to show love is to spend time together. This is a great way to show kids that they are a priority to you. Just don't forget to actively engage with them. This means putting down your phone and really engaging with your kids.

Also, initiate activities, such as playing board games, enjoying outdoor activities , or simply talking with your children to make the most of the time you have together. Showing interest in things that they are passionate about is another great way to show your kids that you love and understand them.

So, if your child loves basketball, watch a basketball-themed movie or play HORSE (a two-person basketball game) together. You could even watch March Madness or the NBA playoffs with them. Likewise, if your child likes painting, consider spending an hour painting with them or taking them to the art museum or an arts and crafts festival.

No matter what your kids' interests are, they can be a great vehicle for engaging with them. When you show you care about what your kids care about, that encourages them to be more compliant with your rules and lets them know that you love them.

A Word From Verywell

When it comes to parenting skills, remember that there's a difference between being a good parent and being a perfectionist. While it's important to improve your parenting skills and strive to be a good parent, don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes. No one is a perfect parent.

Additionally, making a mistake now and then is not going to harm your kids. Just own your mistakes, make amends if you need to, and move on. Instead, focus on being consistently there for your kids, setting boundaries and rules, and showing them that you love them.

Okafor M, Sarpong DF, Ferguson A, Satcher D. Improving health outcomes of children through effective parenting: Model and methods .  Int J Environ Res Public Health . 2013;11(1):296-311. doi:10.3390/ijerph110100296

By Katherine Lewis Katherine Reynolds Lewis is a journalist, author, speaker, and certified parent educator who writes about modern parenting and discipline. 

Essay on Gratitude For Parents

Students are often asked to write an essay on Gratitude For Parents in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Gratitude For Parents

Understanding gratitude.

Gratitude is saying “thank you” for the good things in your life. It is a feeling of being thankful. We should have gratitude for many people in our life. But, our parents deserve it the most. They do so much for us.

Parents Love

Parents love their children more than anything. They work hard to give us a good life. They make sure we are safe, healthy, and happy. They teach us important things. They help us when we are in trouble. For all these things, we should be grateful.

Showing Gratitude

Showing gratitude to our parents is easy. We can say “thank you” often. We can help them with their work. We can listen to their advice. We can respect them. By doing these things, we show our gratitude.

Benefits of Gratitude

Gratitude is not just good for our parents. It is good for us too. It makes us feel happy. It helps us see the good things in our life. It reminds us of how much we are loved. So, let’s be grateful to our parents every day.

250 Words Essay on Gratitude For Parents

Introduction.

Parents are the pillars of our life. They are the ones who bring us into this world, nurture us, and help us grow. They teach us about life, love, and kindness. Our parents are our first teachers and our biggest supporters. It’s important to feel and express gratitude for our parents.

Gratitude means to be thankful. It is about recognizing the good things in life and appreciating them. When we talk about gratitude for parents, it means to be thankful for all that our parents do for us. They work hard to provide us with a safe and comfortable life. They guide us, protect us, and love us unconditionally.

Showing Gratitude to Parents

There are many ways to show gratitude to our parents. Small gestures can mean a lot. We can say thank you to them for the little things they do. We can help them with their work. We can listen to them and respect their advice. We can also show our gratitude by doing well in our studies and activities, as this makes them happy and proud.

The Importance of Gratitude

Feeling and expressing gratitude for our parents is very important. It makes them feel loved and appreciated. It also helps us to understand the value of their efforts. Gratitude helps us to build a strong bond with our parents. It also makes us better people, as it teaches us to be thankful and respectful.

Our parents do so much for us. They deserve our love, respect, and gratitude. Let’s always remember to say thank you to them, for everything they do. Let’s show them that we appreciate their love and care. Let’s make them feel special, every day. After all, our parents are our biggest blessing.

500 Words Essay on Gratitude For Parents

Gratitude for parents is a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation towards our parents. They are the ones who bring us into this world and take care of us with immense love and kindness. They guide us, teach us, and shape us into the individuals we become. This essay will explore the importance of expressing gratitude towards our parents.

Role of Parents

Parents play a crucial role in our lives. From the time we are born, they provide us with everything we need. They feed us, dress us, and comfort us when we are upset. They teach us to walk, talk, and interact with the world around us. They dedicate their time, energy, and resources to our well-being and development. They are our first teachers, teaching us values, manners, and life skills. They guide us through life, helping us make important decisions and supporting us in our endeavors.

Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation for the kindness and benefits we have received. When we express gratitude, we acknowledge the efforts and sacrifices made by others for our benefit. Expressing gratitude towards our parents is important because it acknowledges the love, care, and effort they put into raising us. It shows them that we value and appreciate everything they do for us. It also helps us develop a positive attitude and a sense of contentment in life.

Ways to Express Gratitude

There are many ways to show gratitude towards our parents. We can express our gratitude through words, by telling them how much we appreciate their love and care. We can also show it through actions, by helping them with household chores, spending quality time with them, or doing something special for them. We can also express gratitude by being obedient, respectful, and considerate towards them. By doing so, we not only show our appreciation, but also make them feel loved and valued.

In conclusion, gratitude for parents is a powerful and important emotion. It helps us acknowledge the efforts and sacrifices our parents make for us, and shows them that we appreciate and value their love and care. By expressing gratitude, we strengthen our relationship with our parents, and cultivate a positive and contented outlook on life. So, let’s make it a habit to express our gratitude to our parents regularly, for it is the least we can do to acknowledge their unconditional love and sacrifices.

That’s it! I hope the essay helped you.

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Are Women Better Parents Than Men? Essay

“a mother is better than a father” – gender inequality in parenting, reasons why mothers are better parents than fathers, impact on child’s emotional state, communication shouldn’t be neglected, do women make better parents than men, works cited.

Traditionally, the role of raising children was the mothers’. Therefore, it is often considered that women are better parents than men. However, today, circumstances have changed, and both the father and mother are responsible for bringing up the children. There is a stronger bond between a mother and child from birth. The relationship that a mother forms with the child during pregnancy is evident even after the child is born. Mothers will do everything to make sure their children are alright. This is unlike the fathers who always act aloof. This is an argumentative essay that aims to prove that mothers are better parents than fathers.

Mostly, fathers appear to have a weak bond with the children. Fathers are detached from their children and can quickly desert them, while women can not. One of the reasons why fathers seem less committed to their children is because most fathers are not sure about the paternity of the child. For mothers, there can never be such doubts. However, the father cannot be sure that the child is his, and this is the gender difference. Therefore, he is reluctant to support and spend his resources on a child that could be another man’s (Kazanawa par 4).

Another reason for the lack of a strong bond between a father and the children is because men have a more significant potential to have more children than women. The men can get children throughout their lives while this is not possible for women after menopause.

Therefore, the men are not so attached to their children because even if they lose them, they can always have some more. That is why the majority of men can abandon their wives and children and move on to start another family. (Kazanawa par 7). Fathers may be considered biologically inferior parents. This discussion aims to prove that women are better at parenting than men.

Many communities assign the role of caring for children to the mother while the father is expected to provide for the family and instill discipline in children.

The father is thus distanced from the children because they fear him as they view him as a disciplinarian. Today, there are no distinct roles expected of either the father or mother. In most homes, both the father and mother share the responsibility of providing for the family.

There are also many homes with one parent because of divorce or the death of one parent. The role of upbringing their children should be shared between the mother and the father since both of them go to work . However, fathers do not participate much in raising their children.

Mothers spend more time with their children and, therefore, the children form a better connection with them. A hormone called oxytocin enables the mother to bond better with the child than the father. It allows the child to feel secure as long as he/she is with the mother. When the mother leaves, the child gets upset and cries but is happy again when she returns.

This is the reaction of the hormone. It makes the child know that the mother will always be there and will never let him/ her down (Kuchinskas 31). From birth, the mothers spend more time caring for the child. At this stage, the child needs a lot of attention and specialized care, and the mother is the one best suited to do that.

The father only comes in when the baby is older. Therefore, women are better parents than men. Opponents of this position may argue that fathers are better at parenting since they provide financial support. However, active involvement in a child’s life is the most important kind of support in family for children when they are growing up because it shapes their psychological development. Therefore, there should be no differences between female and male parenting.

Both parents need to be aggressively involved in the nurturing of the child. In any case, even mothers are in employment, and both parents share the responsibility of providing for the family. Therefore, men cannot excuse themselves from the role of nurturing the child based on providing financial support as their role is of great importance.

Mothers are more emotional than men. They are more sympathetic and understanding of their children whenever they are in trouble (Weiten, Dunn and Hammer 344). A mother may even defend her children when their father is angry and wants to punish them. Children, therefore, see the mother as a source of comfort and protection and will seek help from her whenever they need something.

They will invariably run to her when they experience problems. The father is less emotional and less likely to sympathize with the children. Therefore, they will not feel free to share their issues with him. The children tend to love the mother more than the father. One might object here that being very emotional and soft on the children might spoil them and make them unprepared for life’s challenges.

One might argue that men are not overprotective and are rough with the children, and therefore, they teach them to be courageous and go-getters in life. They believe that softly treating the children will make them cowards and reluctant to deal with tough situations in the future.

However, the way men treat children may have a detrimental effect on them. This is because treating children harshly and aggressively may affect them emotionally, and this may impact on their future lives as adults. Research reveals that children’s upbringing affects how they relate with others in the future, how they perform in school, and the way they handle challenges. Children who experience violent treatment are impoverished at socializing with others (Attili, Vermigli and Roazzi 24).

Women have better rearing skills than men because that is what they grow up practicing. The parents assign their daughters the roles that involve caring and nurturing. Therefore, by the time they become adults, they have perfected these skills. As they grow up, girls will engage in motherly activities like caring for their dolls or younger siblings.

Boys, on the other hand, are not concerned with such roles. They are interested in rough games and machines, and these do not prepare them to nurture their children. As a result, they grow up without a clue about how to raise their children.

Furthermore, women tend to be gentler than men. They treat the children well while the men are rough and sometimes violent (Weiten, Dunn and Hammer 343). Raising children is a task that requires a lot of patience, gentleness, and tenderness. Women can withstand irritating situations like the constant crying and nagging of a baby. As such, many people believe that women make better parents than men.

Men do not possess such traits and will quickly get angry and impatient with the child. They might even be tempted to yell or hit the children. A child at this stage requires to be taken care of by someone with the right qualities.

Communication aspect should also be reviewed to answer the question “Are women better parents than men?” Women also have better communication skills than men (Weiten, Dunn and Hammer 344). As they grow up, children need to be listened to and understood. They also need to be advised and reproached. Women can achieve this through proper communication with the children.

Lack of communication between the children and the parents can lead to children looking for answers from other sources, like the peers and the media, which can be misleading (Kanazawa 2008). Mothers will, therefore, be seen as better parents because the children will always prefer to share their problems and concerns with them than with their fathers. Men are less expressive than women and this is another point why mothers are better parents.

Another reason why women are better parents is that they are more conscious and conscientious to the needs of their children than men. When babies cry, the mothers’ maternal instincts will enable them to know what they need. It is not easy for a father to understand what a crying baby needs.

A young baby needs to be understood and attended to accordingly. This makes the women better parents than the men (Frodi, Lamb, Leavitt and Donovan 190). Critics of this position may argue that fathers are good parents because they will be involved in caring for their children later when they grow older and no longer need so much attention. However, the father needs to be actively engaged in raising the child from birth because his involvement is most critical when the child is young.

Women are more sympathetic and softhearted than men (Costello par 6). Sometimes children go through experiences that require the parents to be compassionate and comforting to them. Mothers are perfect at this, while fathers are not willing to show emotion as it might be seen as a sign of weakness.

Fathers want to be perceived by their children as severe and in control. Most of them will always admonish their children. This alienates many fathers from their children as they will always choose to share their concerns with the mother. Of course, the father needs to appear tough so that the children can be well-disciplined, but overdoing it might scare them and negatively affect their relationship.

From the above discussion, it is clear that women play a more significant role than men in bringing up children. There are several reasons why mothers are more important than fathers in the family. They provide the right environment for the healthy upbringing of a child. They do this by actively participating in nurturing the child since birth. Carrying a child through pregnancy establishes a powerful bond between the mother and the child.

Mothers also provide comfort and sympathy, which is critical in a child’s psychological development. Moreover, women are sensitive and understanding of the needs of the children more than men. On top of that, women are excellent communicators and will always lend an ear to their children’s concerns.

They are also more sympathetic and less aggressive towards the children than the men. Above all, women have maternal instincts, which always make them look out for their children’s safety. These qualities make most of the children to be more attached to their mothers than their fathers. Therefore, women are better parents than men.

Attili, Grazia, Patrizia Vermigli, and Antonio Roazzi. Children’s Social Competence, Peer Status, and the Quality of Mother-Child and Father-Child Relationships: A Multidimensional Scaling Approach. European Psychologist 15.1 (2010): 23-33. Web.

Costello, Victoria. Daddy and Baby: The Science of New Fatherhood. 2011. Web.

Frodi, Ann, Michael Lamb, Lewis Leavitt, and Donovan Wilberta. Fathers’ and mothers’ responses to infant smiles and cries. Infant Behavior and Development 1 (1978): 187-198.

Kanazawa, Satoshi. Why are mothers better parents than fathers? . 2008. Web.

Kuchinskas, Susan. The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love. USA: New Harbinger Publications, 2009.

Weiten, Wayne, Dunn, Dana S., and Elizabeth Hammer Yost. Psychology Applied to Modern Life: Adjustment in the 21st Century. USA: Cengage Learning, 2011. Web.

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College Essay: My Parents’ Sacrifice Makes Me Strong

After living in Texas briefly, my mom moved in with my aunt in Minnesota, where she helped raise my cousins while my aunt and uncle worked. My mom still glances to the building where she first lived. I think it’s amazing how she first moved here, she lived in a small apartment and now owns a house. 

My dad’s family was poor. He dropped out of elementary school to work. My dad was the only son my grandpa had. My dad thought he was responsible to help his family out, so he decided to leave for Minnesota   because  of  many  work opportunities .   

My parents met working in cleaning at the IDS  C enter during night shifts. I am their only child, and their main priority was not leaving me alone while they worked. My mom left her cleaning job to work mornings at a warehouse. My dad continued his job in cleaning at night.   

My dad would get me ready for school and walked me to the bus stop while waiting in the cold. When I arrived home from school, my dad had dinner prepared and the house cleaned. I would eat with him at the table while watching TV, but he left after to pick up my mom from work.   

My mom would get home in the afternoon. Most memories of my mom are watching her lying down on the couch watching her  n ovelas  –  S panish soap operas  – a nd falling asleep in the living room. I knew her job was physically tiring, so I didn’t bother her.  

Seeing my parents work hard and challenge Mexican customs influence my values today as a person. As a child, my dad cooked and cleaned, to help out my mom, which is rare in Mexican culture. Conservative Mexicans believe men are superior to women; women are seen as housewives who cook, clean and obey their husbands. My parents constantly tell me I should get an education to never depend on a man. My family challenged  machismo , Mexican sexism, by creating their own values and future.  

My parents encouraged me to, “ ponte  las  pilas ” in school, which translates to “put on your batteries” in English. It means that I should put in effort and work into achieving my goal. I was taught that school is the key object in life. I stay up late to complete all my homework assignments, because of this I miss a good amount of sleep, but I’m willing to put in effort to have good grades that will benefit me. I have softball practice right after school, so I try to do nearly all of my homework ahead of time, so I won’t end up behind.  

My parents taught me to set high standards for myself. My school operates on a 4.0-scale. During lunch, my friends talked joyfully about earning a 3.25 on a test. When I earn less than a 4.25, I feel disappointed. My friends reacted with, “You should be happy. You’re extra . ” Hearing that phrase flashbacks to my parents seeing my grades. My mom would pressure me to do better when I don’t earn all 4.0s  

Every once in  awhile , I struggled with following their value of education. It can be difficult to balance school, sports and life. My parents think I’m too young to complain about life. They don’t think I’m tired, because I don’t physically work, but don’t understand that I’m mentally tired and stressed out. It’s hard for them to understand this because they didn’t have the experience of going to school.   

The way I could thank my parents for their sacrifice is accomplishing their American dream by going to college and graduating to have a professional career. I visualize the day I graduate college with my degree, so my  family  celebrates by having a carne  asada (BBQ) in the yard. All my friends, relatives, and family friends would be there to congratulate me on my accomplishments.  

As teenagers, my parents worked hard manual labor jobs to be able to provide for themselves and their family. Both of them woke up early in the morning to head to work. Staying up late to earn extra cash. As teenagers, my parents tried going to school here in the U.S .  but weren’t able to, so they continued to work. Early in the morning now, my dad arrives home from work at 2:30 a.m .,  wakes up to drop me off at school around 7:30 a.m . , so I can focus on studying hard to earn good grades. My parents want me to stay in school and not prefer work to  head on their  same path as them. Their struggle influences me to have a good work ethic in school and go against the odds.  

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Why are mothers better parents than fathers? Part I

Mommy's baby, daddy's maybe.

Posted June 12, 2008

“Mommy’s Baby, Daddy’s Maybe”

In a climactic scene in the 1999 horror movie The Blair Witch Project , Heather Donahue’s character, sensing her and her friends’ impending deaths in the woods, turns the camera on herself and says “I just want to apologize to Josh’s mom, and Mike’s mom, and my mom.” Given that her film project eventually led to Mike’s and Josh’s (as well as her own) deaths (sorry for the spoiler), an apology might make sense. But why did she apologize to their mothers , and not to their fathers?

The answer, from an evolutionary psychological perspective, is that Heather instinctively knew, as do most of us, that children are more important to their mothers than to their fathers, and, as a result, their loss would be more devastating to their mothers than to their fathers. It is not difficult to find abundant evidence for the fact that mothers are more dedicated to their children than fathers. For example, when married couples with children get divorced , chances are that the children stay with the mother, not the father, especially if they are young. According to the 1992 March/April Current Population Survey in the United States, conducted by the US Census Bureau on a nationally representative sample, 86% of custodial parents are mothers. Further, many of the noncustodial fathers who have agreed to pay child support, either voluntarily or via court order, default on their commitment and become “deadbeat dads." The first national survey of the receipt of child support, conducted in 1978, reveals that less than half (49%) of women awarded child support actually received the full amount due to them, and more than a quarter (28%) of them received nothing. The percentages have remained more or less constant since. In 1991, 52% of custodial parents awarded child support received the full amount; 25% of them received nothing. So the question remains: Why are women so much more dedicated parents than men? Why are there so many deadbeat dads but so few deadbeat moms?

On the surface, this massive sex difference in the dedication to children may appear puzzling, since both the mother and the father are equally related to their children genetically; each parent transmits half of their genes to their child. However, there are two biological factors that combine to make fathers far less committed as parents than mothers.

The first is paternity uncertainty. Because gestation for all mammals (including humans) takes place internally within the female’s body, the male can never be certain of his paternity, whereas maternity is always certain. And paternity uncertainty is not a remote theoretical possibility. As I mention in a previous post , the estimated incidence of cuckoldry (men unwittingly raising and investing in another man’s genetic offspring) in contemporary Western societies is substantial (between 10% and 30%). Thus, this is a very realistic possibility for any father in contemporary Western society and probably elsewhere throughout human history as well. Naturally, men are not motivated to invest in children who have a distinct possibility of not being genetically theirs.

The twin concept of paternity uncertainty and maternity certainty is captured in the common saying “Mommy’s Baby, Daddy’s Maybe.” Every single mother, not only among humans but among all mammalian species, has been certain that the child that she has just given birth to is hers; no woman has ever wondered, as a child is coming out of her body, “Hmmm.... I wonder if this child is really mine....” In contrast, every single father wonders, either explicitly or implicitly. Some wonder more than others, but no father has ever been completely certain of his paternity. The best he can ever say is “Maybe.”

So paternity uncertainty is the first reason why fathers are less dedicated to their children than mothers. I’ll discuss the second reason in the next post .

Satoshi Kanazawa is an evolutionary psychologist at LSE and the coauthor (with the late Alan S. Miller) of Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters .

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Argumentative Essay On Are Mothers Better Parents Than Fathers

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Topic: Youth , Parents , Women , Behavior , Children , Father , Teenagers , Family

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It is undeniable that mothers and fathers have different parenting styles within the family structure. Ideally, a family will have both a mother and a father present to raise a child, but this is not always possible in all sets of circumstances. Mothers and fathers often play different roles in a child’s life, and it is very difficult for one parent to raise a family on his or her own. Children require a great deal of attention, and it is therefore best for two parents to raise a child together. In the case where a single mother must raise a child, she will face unique challenges that a single father trying to raise a child will not face. Women in general will be paid less than men in most countries, and will therefore have to work longer hours to get the same salary as a man would. Children are expensive, particularly young children, and money problems can be very significant for single mothers (Venezaino, 2004). Single mothers may also face problems when it comes to finding a suitable partner, as it is more common for men to be unwilling to marry women with children than vice versa (Venezaino, 2004). When a single father is given the task of raising a child, he faces different challenges. Many men, for instance, are not used to the responsibilities that come with raising children, whereas women are more accustomed to all the tasks and problems that come along with childrearing and the responsibilities associated with childrearing (Venezaino, 2004). Single fathers do not often face the same level of economic challenge as single mothers, but their social challenges may be greater, and they may need to hire help to care for their child or children, if they have more than one. In addition, single-parent households often have to juggle custody arrangements, which, in the United States, heavily favor the mother (Venezaino, 2004). These custody arrangements can make it difficult for one of the parents to see the child frequently, causing issues with bonding between the child and the non-custodial parent. If the father is absent more frequently than the mother, then the child may experience certain effects; however, if the mother is absent more frequently than the father, the children will face different challenges. Deciding whether the mother or the father is the better parent can only be determined after looking at the differences in parenting styles between mothers and fathers. Regardless of whether mothers or fathers are better parents in general does not dictate whether or not a specific mother or father is a good parent, of course. However, when looking at the ideal candidate for a single-parent custodial arrangement, there are many different factors to look at. According to Martin et al.(2007), there are many ways to look at the differences between female and male parenting styles: Anadvantage to studying parents in combination is that it may be possible to identify interactions between the effects of mothers’ and fathers’ parenting that are not visible in studies of main effects. For example, based on the literature linking maternal and paternal supportiveness to early child cognition, it might be expected that the effects of a supportive mother and a supportive father are additive. However, there may be a synergistic dynamic between two supportive parents that produces a multiplicative effect (Martin et al., 2007). Mothers are certainly more nurturing than fathers for the most part, according to Martin et al (2007). For the most part, mothers have a bond that is formed with their children from the time they give birth to them; for fathers, this bond is acquired, not experienced as a biological imperative. Motherhood and pregnancy floods a woman’s body with hormones, causing her to feel elation and bond with her child (Martin et al., 2007). For babies, mothers are biologically better caretakers than fathers, because they can provide the child with milk and sustain them with important nutrients throughout the pregnancy. Research suggests that babies that are breastfed are often better adjusted and healthier throughout their lives; for this reason, mothers are imperative to the proper growth of the child throughout its infancy. As the child gets older, a caring and compassionate father can easily do the job of a mother, but during infancy, nothing can replace the mother biologically as far as the care and feeding of the infant is concerned. According to many sources, mothers have more patience with young children than fathers do. Mothers and fathers often have different parenting styles, with fathers acting as disciplinarians more often than not. This is an important role, to be sure, but during young childhood, a mother who cares and nurtures her child cannot be overstated. Another problem with fathers acting as the primary custodial figure in parental rights disputes is listed by Updegraff (2007): But how accurate are fathers' perceptions of their children's problem behaviors? Are fathers' perceptions and behaviors with their children also affected by personal adjustment problems? Very little research has been conducted with the fathers of conduct-problem children Their research indicated that fathers' ratings were not correlated with teachers' ratings of the children's externalizing behaviors, whereas mothers' ratings were significantly correlated with teachers' ratings (Updegraff, 2007). Mothers and fathers interpret their children’s behavior differently; mothers seem to be more in tune with their children’s behavior for the most part, particularly when the behavior is deviant and when they are young children. Mothers are better than fathers because mothers are also groomed from a young age to know how to look after children. Not all women know how to look after children, of course, but society does put more emphasis on learning how to take care of children for women than for men. For instance, when was the last time a sitcom made fun of a mother for not knowing how to change a diaper or make a bottle? It is always women who are expected to know how to care for children. Mothers are often more patient than men when it comes to children as well. This may be because they are biologically inclined to be more patient, but it may also be because they are taught to deal with children from a younger age than men. Men who grow up with young siblings can often have very good patience with young children. However, even though some of the characteristics that mothers have can be learned or acquired by men who are interested in being single fathers, there are some biological functions that women can perform that men simply cannot. For an infant, for instance, a man cannot ever learn to breastfeed; it is up to the mother to provide this vital service to her new infant or young child. Society is also more willing to help women who are raising children on their own, because sometimes circumstances happen where the father is no longer in the picture. During this time, single fathers are much less likely than single mothers to receive help from society as a whole. Overall, it is difficult to say whether mothers or fathers are better as parents, because it is a very individualized judgement call. However, when it comes to choosing a mother or a father for the custodial parent, the mother should be chosen when she is a fit parent who has no major social or emotional problems in her life. Mothers are not always superior to fathers, but for the most part, a mother will be more successful raising a child on her own than a father will be.

Martin, A. et al. (2007). The Joint Influence of Mother and Father Parenting on Child Cognitive Outcomes at Age 5. National Center for Children and Families . Schaffer, C. et al. (2005). Predictors of Child Abuse Potential Among Military Parents: Comparing Mothers and Fathers. Journal of Family Violence, 20 (2). Unknown. (1986). Mothers' and Fathers' Perceptions of Child Deviance: Roles of Parent and Child Behaviors and Parent Adjustment. Journal of ConsuIting and Clinical Psychology, 56 (6). Updegraff, K. (2001). Parents' Involvement in Adolescents' Peer Relationships: A Comparison of Mothers' and Fathers' Roles. Journal of Marriage and Family, 10 (1). Veneziano, R. (2004). Parental Roles. Encyclopedia of Sex and Gender – Men and Women in the World’s Cultures: SpringerReference .

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ARE BOTH PARENTS ALWAYS BETTER THAN ONE? PARENTAL CONFLICT AND YOUNG ADULT WELL-BEING *

Kelly musick.

Cornell University

University of Minnesota

Using data from three waves of the National Survey of Families and Households (N=1,963), we examine associations between adolescent family experiences and young adult well-being across a range of indicators, including schooling, substance use, and family-related transitions. We compare children living with both biological parents, but whose parents differ in how often they argue, to children in stepfather and single-mother families, and we assess the extent to which differences can be understood in terms of family income and parenting practices. Findings suggest that parental conflict is associated with children’s poorer academic achievement, increased substance use, and early family formation and dissolution. Living in single mother and stepfather families tend to be more strongly associated with our indicators of well-being, although differences between these family types and living with high conflict continuously married parents are often statistically indistinguishable. Income and parenting largely do not account for associations between adolescent family type and later life outcomes. We conclude that while children do better, on average, living with two biological married parents, the advantages of two-parent families are not shared equally by all.

The association between family structure and child well-being is frequently cited: children who grow up with two married parents tend to fare better than others (for reviews see Amato, 2005 ; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994 ; Sigle-Rushton & McLanahan, 2004 ). Most studies of family structure compare children in single-parent and stepparent families to those living with their married, biological parents, treating these marriages as a homogenous group. A somewhat distinct body of work shows the importance of parental conflict for child outcomes. Children whose parents often argue score worse on measures of academic achievement, behavior problems, psychological well-being, and adult relationship quality; they are also more likely to form families early and outside of marriage ( Amato & Sobolewski, 2001 ; Booth & Amato, 2001 ; Booth & Edwards, 1990 ; Davies & Cummings, 1994 ; Emery, 1982 ; Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994 ; Grych & Fincham, 1990 ; Hanson, 1999 ; Jekielek, 1998 ; Morrison & Coiro, 1999 ; Musick & Bumpass, 1999 ). Examining variation in conflict between married parents is important for social scientists because it expands our understanding of how families matter for children. It is also important for the broader public, with marriage emerging high on the U.S. policy agenda in recent years as a tool for improving child outcomes ( Nock, 2005 ). Increasing marriage rates was an explicit goal of the 1996 welfare reform legislation and a key piece of the latest welfare reform re-authorization package ( Ooms, 2007 ; U.S. DHHS 2008 ). The success of marriage promotion for the sake of children depends not just on the overall association between marriage and child well-being, but on how this association varies across marriages.

Much of the demographic research on parental conflict and child outcomes stems from an interest in the divorce process (e.g., Booth & Amato, 2001 ; Booth & Edwards, 1990 ; Furstenberge & Teitler, 1994 ; Hanson, 1999 ). Studies of this sort typically follow children living with continuously married parents and examine the role of parental conflict in explaining or conditioning the effects of subsequent marital disruption. But many poor quality marriages survive, and children may experience parental conflict independent of divorce. Our analysis sets up a comparison to address whether children fare better living with both parents than living with just one, in particular, when parents do not get along. We compare child outcomes across single-parent, stepparent, and high conflict continuously married-parent family types and test key explanations for observed associations. We do this over a range of outcomes covering various dimensions of children’s development and well-being in young adulthood. This work relies on all three waves of the National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH); to our knowledge, it is the first to use the recently fielded third wave to investigate these questions. The NSFH is uniquely suited to our study, with rich, prospective data from multiple members of the same family over time, including both parents’ self-reports of marital conflict and children’s self-reports on a range of outcomes. We provide a broad descriptive portrait of family structure, parental conflict, and child well-being, bringing together literatures on family structure and marital conflict.

FAMILY STRUCTURE, CONFLICT, AND CHILD WELL-BEING

Growing up without both parents is associated with a host of poor child outcomes. Children from single-parent and stepparent families have higher poverty rates and lower levels of educational and occupational attainment than children who grow up with both their biological or adoptive parents ( Astone & McLanahan, 1991 ; Biblarz & Raftery, 1993 , 1999 ; DeLeire & Kalil, 2002 ; Kiernan, 1992 ; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994 ; Wojtkiewicz, 1993 ). They report greater substance use and risk-taking behavior, such as smoking, drinking, and drug use ( Carlson, 2006 ; DeLeire & Kalil, 2002 ; Hoffmann & Johnson, 1998 ). Further, these children are more likely to have sex at an early age ( Davis & Friel, 2001 ; Thornton & Camburn, 1989 ), to be young and unmarried when they form their families ( Cherlin, Kiernan, & Chase-Lansdale, 1995 ; Kiernan 1992 ; Kiernan & Hobcraft, 1997 ; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994 ; Thornton 1991 ; Wu 1996 ), and to experience the dissolution of their own romantic unions ( Amato & DeBoer, 2001 ; Kiernan & Cherlin, 1999 ; McLanahan & Bumpass, 1988 ; Wolfinger 1999 ). Most of this literature treats continuously married-parent families as a single, homogenous group.

Another line of research has devoted attention to variation within continuously married two-parent families, particularly with respect to marital conflict. Children whose parents often argue fare worse than those whose parents get along: parental conflict is associated with negative schooling outcomes ( Hanson, 1999 ), behavior problems ( Morrison & Coiro, 1999 ), early and nonmarital family formation ( Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994 ; Musick & Bumpass, 1999 ), lower quality adult relationships ( Amato & Booth, 2001 ; Booth & Edwards, 1990 ), and lower psychological well-being ( Amato & Sobolewski, 2001 ; Jekielek, 1998 ). Much of this work focuses on continuously married-parent families at initial observation and treats conflict as either a selection or moderating factor in the divorce process. Controlling for pre-disruption marital conflict, studies typically report that it accounts for some, but not all, of the association between marital disruption and academic achievement, problem behaviors, family-related transitions, and subjective well-being ( Cherlin et al., 1991 ; Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994 ; Hanson, 1999 ). Testing the moderating effect of conflict on divorce (i.e., the interaction between conflict and divorce), many find weaker negative associations between divorce and child outcomes in the case of high conflict marriages, suggesting that divorce may bring relief from the stress of high conflict family environments ( Amato & Booth, 1997 ; Amato, Spencer Loomis, & Booth, 1995 ; Booth & Amato, 2001 ; Hanson, 1999 ; Jekielek, 1998 ; Strohschein, 2005 ).

A few studies compare differences in child well-being by family structure, accounting for heterogeneity among continuously married-parent families in parental conflict – these are closest to what we set out to do. Musick and Bumpass (1999) use data from the first two waves of the NSHF to examine associations between adolescent family type and children’s transitions to adulthood (measured when children are 18–23); they further examine whether associations can be understood in terms of parents’ income, attitudes, and behaviors. The authors find similarities in associations between children’s outcomes and high conflict married-parent families on the one hand and single and stepparent families on the other, with children in these families less likely to graduate from high school and more likely to have sex and cohabit at an early age, compared to children from low conflict continuously married-parent families. Associations are, by and large, not explained by parents’ income, attitudes, or behaviors. This study is limited by its young sample, many of whom have not yet aged into adult transitions of interest. Amato and Sobolewski rely on data from the Marital Instability and the Life Course study to test associations between parental discord and divorce (measured when most children are under 19) and children’s young adult psychological well-being (measured when children are 19 to about 40). They find negative associations between both discord and divorce and young adult well-being mediated ( Amato & Sobolewski, 2001 ) and moderated ( Sobolewski and Amato, 2007 ) by closeness between parents and young adult children. Their data come from a 17-year study of individuals married at the first wave of data collection in 1980; they include child interviews in 1992 and 1997. Although many parents divorced over the study period, the sample excludes those who were divorced or unmarried at the first wave. Our analysis relies on new data to provide a broader examination of family structure, parental conflict, and child well-being. We focus on the family environment during children’s adolescence, include a range of young adult outcomes, and investigate key explanations for links between the two.

EXPLAINING FAMILY STRUCTURE AND CONFLICT ASSOCIATIONS

As suggested above, there is strong evidence that both family structure and parental conflict are associated with child well-being. What explains these associations, however, remains a difficult question, to which there is not a clear answer. Selection into single-parenthood on unmeasured characteristics undoubtedly accounts for some of the observed associations between family structure and child outcomes; indeed, a recent generation of studies using longitudinal designs and techniques to address selection report weaker and less consistent associations between growing up without both parents and children’s outcomes ( Aughinbaugh, Pierret, & Rothstein, 2005 ; Cherlin, Chase-Lansdale, & McRae, 1998 ; Cherlin et al., 1991 ; Cherlin et al., 1995 ; Morrison & Cherlin, 1995 ; Sigle-Rushton, Hobcraft, & Kiernan, 2005 ; Strohschein, 2005 ; Sun, 2001 ). Individual characteristics may similarly select parents into conflict with their partners. Personality traits or mental health conditions, for example, may lead to poor marital relationships, and these traits may independently influence children via parenting or genetic inheritance ( Amato, 2005 ; Gotlib, Lewinsohn, & Seely, 1998 ).

There are also compelling theoretical reasons to expect family structure and conflict effects on children. Family income and parenting practices, in particular, are two causal pathways that have been discussed extensively in the family structure literature. While estimates vary on how much is due to selection and how much is due to family structure, single-parent families are at much higher risk of poverty than other family types ( Duncan & Rodgers, 1991 ; Eggebeen & Lichter, 1991 ; McLanahan & Percheski, 2008 ; Thomas & Sawhill, 2005 ), which in turn is linked to child health and well-being. Single parents manage work and child care without the help of a second resident parent, and less than 50% receive what is owed to them in child support payments from noncustodial parents ( Grall, 2007 ). Up to half the association between single-parent families and children’s academic performance, teen and premarital childbearing, and idleness is due to the lower incomes of single-parent families ( McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994 ; Thomson, Hanson, & McLanahan, 1994 ); income does not account for links between stepparent families and child outcomes ( McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994 ; Thomson et al., 1994 ).

Parenting behaviors further account for differences in child well-being by family structure. Children typically fare best when parents maintain a strong parent-child bond, apply consistent discipline, and respond firmly but warmly to situations at home ( Baumrind, 1991 ) – behaviors that are displayed more often among continuously married parents. Single parents balance the provision of financial support with solo care for children, which can lead to time pressure and stress ( McLanahan & Booth, 1989 ; McLanahan & Percheski, 2008 ). Stepfamilies negotiate relationships for which rules are often not clearly defined ( Cherlin, 1978 ). Children may compete with new spouses for parents’ time and attention, and stepparents may be less invested in non-biological children ( White, 1994 ). Compared with continuously married parents, single parents are less emotionally supportive of their children, have fewer rules yet dispense harsher discipline, and provide less supervision; stepparents spend less time with children and offer less positive response and encouragement ( Astone & McLanahan, 1991 ; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994 ; Thomson, McLanahan, & Curtin, 1992 ). Parenting practices, including warmth, harshness, time, and involvement, typically explain less than 20% of the association between growing up without both parents, education outcomes, and family-related transitions ( Astone & McLanahan, 1991 ; Musick & Bumpass, 1999 ; Thomson et al., 1994 ), although McLanahan & Sandefur (1994) find a stronger role of parenting in explaining high school dropout and idleness among children from single-parent families.

Family income is a selection factor into marital conflict ( Conger, Conger & Elder, 1997 ); it is unlikely a pathway through which conflict affects children. As in the case of stepparent families, two parents remain in the household as potential earners and caretakers. Parenting behaviors, by contrast, may be an important causal mechanism linking parental conflict and child outcomes. Parental conflict may spill over to interactions with children ( Erel & Burman, 1995 ), preoccupying parents and decreasing their availability and time for children. The stress associated with conflict may result in less warmth and harsher discipline ( Fauber et al., 1990 ), and disagreements between parents may prevent their cooperation in decisions regarding child rearing, precluding the clear and consistent rule-setting and supervision that protects youth from risks ( Grych & Fincham, 1990 ). Parents who often argue have weaker relationships with their children ( Amato & Sobolewski, 2001 ; Musick & Bumpass, 1999 ; Sobolewski & Amato, 2007 ), relationships that further protect children from risk ( Resnick et al., 1997 ). Musick and Bumpass (1999) find that parents’ time, warmth, negativity, and relationships with children mediate a small share – typically less than 10% – of the association between marital conflict and children’s transitions to adulthood; Amato and Sobolewski (2001) find that parent-child relationships mediate much of the association between marital conflict and children’s psychological well-being in young adulthood. We build on empirical estimates of the extent to which family income and parenting account for differential child outcomes by family structure and conflict, either as selection factors or causal pathways – findings (particularly from representative samples) that to date focus largely on single and stepparents compared to all continuously married parents.

ADOLESCENT FAMILY EXPERIENCES AND YOUNG ADULT WELL-BEING

We examine children’s family experiences during adolescence, a staging ground for the many educational, vocational, and relationship experiences leading into adulthood, experiences that can be both high stakes and hard to reverse. The sheer proximity of adolescence may make it consequential for the transition to adulthood. Moreover, the developmental changes of adolescence may increase the salience of family as an arena of comfort and stability ( Shanahan, 2000 ). The timing and sequencing of the various demographic changes associated with the transition to adulthood are important for success in the subsequent life course ( Hogan & Astone, 1986 ; Rindfuss, 1991 ). Markers of a “successful” transition to adulthood include financial security, dependable behavior, and stable relationships ( Hogan & Astone, 1986 ; Moffitt, 1993 ; Oppenheimer, Kalmijn, & Lim, 1997 ). We examine multiple indicators in each of three related domains: academic achievement, risk-taking behavior, and family-related transitions.

For the purposes of this study, adolescence is defined as encompassing ages 10–18, when measures of children’s family experiences are assessed. Family structure, conflict, and parenting may have different meanings at the younger and older ends of this span, and the effects of family may further depend on the child’s age ( Allison & Furstenberg, 1989 ; Duncan, Yeung, Brooks-Gunn, & Smith, 1998 ). Given these considerations, a narrower age band would be desirable, although it would lead to a loss of data that would potentially constrain our ability to discern true group differences from sampling error. Within the constraints of our sample, we explored the sensitivity of our results to the child’s age at family assessment, testing differences in the association between family experiences (family structure, conflict, and parenting) and child outcomes by child age at family assessment (10–14 versus 15–18); these tests yielded few significant differences. 1 We control for child age in all models, and for certain outcomes, we narrow the age of child at family assessment to ensure that family experiences are measured prior to transitions of interest. Outcomes are assessed when children are in their teens to early thirties, always following our observation of adolescent family experiences, as just noted. Despite limitations, prior studies comparing children in high-conflict continuously married-parent families to those in other family types are not set up to as clearly delineate child age when families are observed ( Amato & Sobolewski, 2001 ; Sobolewski & Amato, 2007 ), or to follow children so far into adulthood (e.g., Musick & Bumpass, 1999 ).

In the domain of academic achievement, we focus on high school graduation, high school grades, and college attendance. Adult economic well-being is highly stratified by educational attainment; years of schooling are linked to life-time earnings ( Day & Newburger, 2002 ), health ( House, 2002 ), and marital stability ( Raley & Bumpass, 2003 ). Our risky behaviors include smoking, binge drinking, and marijuana use. Unlike some adolescent-limited risk behaviors (e.g., school misconduct), substance use may start early in life but persist into adulthood, as smoking and drinking become legally sanctioned, and all have physiologically addictive properties. In adulthood, substance use is associated with poor socioeconomic, health, and psychological outcomes (e.g., Gruber, 2001 ; Kandel, 2002 ). Finally, in the arena of family-related transitions, we examine early sexual initiation, early cohabitation, nonmarital fertility, and union disruption. While sex, union formation, and childbearing are clearly normative life course transitions, early sex and family formation may have negative consequences not associated with later transitions. Early first sex increases exposure to sexually transmitted diseases and nonmarital pregnancy ( Alan Guttmacher Institute, 2002 ; Resnick et al., 1997 ), and early (often nonmarital) childbearing truncates educational attainment ( Astone & Upchurch, 1989 ; Teti & Lamb, 1989 ). Early cohabitation may pull people out of the socialization and interactions that lead to successful partner selection, and young unions are less stable than those formed later ( Raley & Bumpass, 2003 ).

We expect parental conflict and family structure to be associated with schooling, substance use, and family-related transitions, albeit through different pathways. Less parental time associated with parental conflict, single-parenthood, and step parenthood may affect children’s schooling via reduced help with homework; the lower incomes of single parents may constrain college attendance. Likewise, less time may increase children’s substance use via lower levels of supervision. The tendency of parents in high conflict marriages to engage in harsh parenting and their poorer relationships with children may further increase children’s substance use, as well as hasten children’s first sex and cohabitation, as youth look outside the home to peers and romantic partners for support. Early sex and cohabitation among children from single and stepparent families may be more a result of modeling the dating and nonmarital relationships that they see at home ( Axinn & Thornton, 1996 ). Direct modeling of conflict (in the case of high conflict marriages) and the experience of divorce (in the case of single or stepparents) may also raise children’s own risk of union disruption. The transmission of attitudes about the importance and durability of marriage may further affect rates of union dissolution among children from high conflict, step, and single-parent families ( Amato & DeBoer, 2001 ; Axinn & Thornton, 1996 ).

In sum, we expect that parental conflict and family structure will be associated with young adult well-being, and that parenting and income will account for these associations to varying degrees. For example, in the case of academic achievement, associations may run indirectly through time with mothers; but in the case of union dissolution, associations may be more directly linked to parental conflict and family structure. We hypothesize, then, that parenting plays a mediating role in some of the processes examined here, i.e., that family structure and conflict affect aspects of parenting, which in turn affect child outcomes. Income may also play a mediating role in the relationship between single-parent families and child outcomes, but it should have little to do with stepfamilies or parental conflict (i.e., outside of selection). We recognize that results based on observational data such as ours may ultimately be consistent with multiple interpretations; for example, with an unmeasured, extraneous factor that is correlated with – and drives relationships among – parenting behavior, family conflict, and child well-being. We flesh out this possibility in greater detail below.

PRESENT STUDY

The present study extends the literature on family structure, which generally means how parents’ marital and cohabiting histories sort children into single, step, and two biological-parent families, by highlighting diversity in the family experiences of children living with continuously married parents. We build conflict into our analysis, adding another family type – high conflict continuously married-parent families – to traditional measures of family structure. Drawing attention to conflict as an important family factor in and of itself, we shift the emphasis of the demographic literature on parental conflict, which tends to focus on conflict as a selection or conditioning variable in the divorce process. We extend research both on family structure and conflict by examining the roles played by income and parenting in accounting for differences in the young adult well-being of children from single, step, and high conflict continuously married-parent families.

We combine data from three waves of the NSFH, including the recently fielded third wave, in a way that maximizes the sample while matching children’s family experiences to the same life stage – adolescence. Of the major demographic studies to examine parental conflict, including the Marital Instability over the Life Course Study (e.g. Amato et al., 1995 ), the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth ( Jekeliek, 1998 ; Morrison & Coiro, 1999 ), and the National Survey of Children ( Cherlin et al., 1991 ; Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994 ), the NSFH is the only one to include both parents’ reports of marital conflict. It also contains relatively rich information from parents about their own social class backgrounds, education trajectories, and family formation histories, which allows us to control for key factors that potentially select parents into subsequent family structures and conflict with partners. Further, it includes detailed, prospective data on income and parenting that make it possible to look inside family categories to better understand the processes through which families matter. Some of the parenting questions refer specifically to behaviors with respect to the focal child, as opposed to general parenting practices, providing more precise measures of children’s family experiences.

The scope of our analysis – starting with single, step, and continuously married-parent families, accounting for factors that potentially explain differences in child well-being across family type, and examining a range of outcomes associated with young adult well-being – allows us to draw a broad picture of family structure, parental conflict, and child outcomes. It also raises challenging issues. First, including high conflict continuously married-parent families highlights diversity in two-parent families that is often overlooked, but it also treats conflict and divorce as independent when, as noted earlier, research tends to find that pre-divorce conflict accounts for some of the association between divorce and subsequent child outcomes. More generally, observing family experiences at a single point in time, as we do, may result in an underestimate of the association between parental conflict and child well-being, relative to other family types. That is, we will underestimate parental conflict to the extent that young adults in other family types experienced it at some point in time, but not when it was assessed in the NSFH. Unmeasured conflict will be captured in lower levels of child well-being, blurring distinctions between the high and low conflict married-parent family types and inflating associations between step and single-parent families, relative to our high conflict married-parent families. 2

Another challenge is parsing out selection and causation. We incorporate relatively rich controls that are prior to parents’ family-related decisions and conflict with partners, narrowing – but not eliminating – the full set of factors that potentially threaten causal inference. It would take much more detailed data to fully disentangle causal pathways from selection. In the meantime, we report patterns of association and are cautious not to make strong causal arguments; we present this analysis in the spirit of learning what we can with the data we have.

DATA AND METHODS

The first wave of the NSFH was collected in 1987–1988 and involved interviews with over 13,000 respondents, including a main cross-section and an over-sample of Blacks, Puerto Ricans, Mexican Americans, single-parent families, families with stepchildren, cohabiting couples, and recently married persons. In each household, an adult was randomly selected as the primary respondent, and the spouse or cohabiting partner was asked to complete a shorter, self-administered questionnaire. The second wave (NSFH2) was fielded in 1992–1994, and it included interviews with current partners as well as ex-partners who were in the main respondent’s household at NSFH1. The most recent wave (NSFH3) was fielded in 2001–2002. Of particular interest to this study, a focal child was randomly selected from the household roster at NSFH1 and followed over the subsequent surveys. At NSFH1, primary respondents provided information on the focal child, and at NSFH2 and NSFH3, focal children themselves were also interviewed.

We use reports from main respondents, current partners, and ex-partners at NSFH1 and NSFH2 to construct measures of parental conflict, family structure, family income, and parenting during children’s adolescent years. We use focal child interviews from NSFH2 and NSFH3 to construct indicators of young adult well-being. Our analysis pieces together information from all three waves of data, but we rely on just two waves to construct measures for any given child, with the combination of interviews dependent on the child’s age. Focal children are 4–18 at NSFH1, 10–25 at NSFH2, and 19–34 at NSFH3. 3 In order to assess family experiences for all children at the same stage – adolescence – we use parents’ NSFH1 responses to construct family variables for the older children, who are 12–18 at the first wave, and we use parents’ NSFH2 responses for the younger children, who are 10–18 at the second wave. 4 We measure outcomes using focal child self-reports from either NSFH2 or NSFH3 for the older children (ages 18–34 at these waves) and NSFH3 only for the younger children (ages 19–27 at NSFH3).

Attrition affects our sample in a few ways, again depending on the age of the focal child. For the younger focal children, cases are lost due to parents’ nonresponse at NSFH2 and their own nonresponse at NSFH3. Eighty-five percent of all younger focal children had at least one parent report from NSFH2, and of these children, over half were interviewed at NSFH3. For the older focal children, parents’ nonresponse is not a factor, since data on the family environment are drawn from NSFH1. Cases are lost if the focal child was not successfully interviewed at either NSFH2 or NSFH3; 69% of the original older focal children were interviewed at one of these time points. 5 In all, we are left with about 56% of the potential sample of focal children identified at NSFH1. Attrition was greater among non-White and socioeconomically disadvantaged respondents, as well as those living with a step or single-parent family at NSFH1. Despite these differences, among the older focal children, we found (in results not shown) similar relationships between NSFH1 family environment and young adult well-being, whether outcomes were generated from the NSFH2 or NSFH3 focal child samples. This provides some evidence that our key findings are not affected by attrition.

We restrict our analyses to children who were living with their biological mother at NSFH1, thereby excluding single father and stepmother families, which are relatively rare and cannot be analyzed separately. We also exclude cases who experienced the death of a parent as there are too few deaths to analyze separately, and the processes of divorce and death affect children differently ( Biblarz & Gottainer, 2000 ). Finally, we lose a small number of cases due to missing values on parental conflict and union transitions, child outcomes, and family background characteristics. Our initial sample includes 2,269 children whose parents were interviewed at either NSFH1 or NSFH2, who were living with their parents at the adolescent family observation, and who were interviewed themselves at NFSH2 or NSFH3. Of these, 2,065 were living with their biological mother at NSFH1. We exclude 55 children living with widowed single mothers, and we drop another 47 due to missing values on conflict, family structure, or controls, leaving a baseline sample of 1,963. Final samples vary by outcome due to item nonresponse and censoring of family-related transitions (discussed below).

Adolescent Family Type

We measure conflict between continuously married parents on the basis of couples’ responses to six items concerning frequency of conflict. Main respondents and their spouses/partners were asked: “The following is a list of subjects on which couples often have disagreements. How often, if at all, in the last year have you had open disagreements about each of the following…” The subjects include household tasks, money, spending time together, sex, in-laws, and the children. We generate a conflict scale by averaging all valid responses from mothers and fathers to these six items, keeping observations on conflict when only one parent report is available. 6 This measure has good scale reliability (Chronbach’s alpha = 0.81).

We categorize continuously married-parent families by grouping the distribution of average conflict scores into thirds, corresponding to low, medium, and high average conflict. We explored the relationship between this measure and agreement between spouse reports of marital conflict. For those with both a main respondent and spouse report of conflict, the average difference between the main respondent and spouse report was quite small and varied little by the average level of spouse conflict. We examined an alternative measure of conflict based on agreement between spouses: whether they both reported low levels of conflict, both reported high levels of conflict, or disagreed on levels of conflict. We found that agreement on high levels of conflict raised the risks of most of the outcomes we examined relative to agreement on low levels of conflict, much like we found that high average levels of conflict raised the risks relative to low average levels of conflict.

Relying on the frequency of conflict is a common approach to measuring marital discord (e.g., Cherlin et al., 1991 ; Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994 ; Jekeliek, 1998 ; Morrison & Coiro, 1999 ). Using different data, Amato and colleagues further include indicators of marital problems and divorce proneness ( Amato & DeBoer, 2001 ; Amato & Sobolewski, 2001 ; Amato et al., 1995 ; Booth & Amato, 2001 ). Marital problems and divorce proneness may be associated with the likelihood of divorce, but they may be less directly related to child well-being. Children are more likely to perceive – and be affected by – open disagreements than parents’ feelings about their marriage. We return to a discussion of the links between parental conflict, children’s perceptions, and child well-being in the conclusion.

Using average conflict scores to make distinctions between continuously married-parent families, we generate five family types: low, medium, and high conflict continuously married-parent families; stepfather families; and single-mother families. Family structure is determined on the basis of the parents’ union status and history. Children are coded as living with continuously married parents if their parents were married or living together within one year of the focal child’s birth and are in the same union at the time the family environment is observed, when children are 10–18, or adolescents (we include three cohabiting families by this definition). 7 They are coded as coming from stepfather families if mothers are in a union that began more than a year after the focal child’s birth (this includes 58 cohabiting stepfamilies). Finally, they are classified as coming from single-mother families if mothers are not married or cohabiting. Table 1 shows the distribution of our measure of adolescent family type.

Means on Key Variables, by Family Type

Note: Standard deviations are in parentheses. Means, proportions, and standard deviations are weighted; N ’s are unweighted. N ’s refer to the baseline sample. Missing data on family income and mothering are set to their means (and flagged in all models). N ’s vary by outcome due to item nonresponse and censoring of family-related transitions; see Tables 2 and ​ and4 4 for final N ’s of all models.

Income and Parenting

We focus on two factors potentially linking family type to young adult well-being: income and parenting. Both are observed, like family type, when children are adolescents. As noted, we expect income to play a role in mediating only associations between single-parent family structure and outcomes, whereas we expect parenting to play a mediating role across family types. Family income includes all sources of income to family members in the past year. It is adjusted to constant 1992 dollars and modeled as the natural log. We include three indicators of parenting: the quality of the mother-child relationship, mother’s time with children, and mother’s frequency of harsh behaviors toward children. We rely on mother’s relationships and practices, as all family types in our study include the biological mother, but not all include a male parent.

The quality of the mother-child relationship is based on a single question about how the mother would describe her relationship with the focal child, with response choices ranging from 1 = very poor to 7 = excellent at NSFH1 and 0 = really bad to 10 = absolutely perfect at NSFH2. We rescaled the NSFH2 item so that our measure of relationship quality ranges from 1 – 7. Mother’s time with children (all children in the household, including the focal child) is an average of four items about how often she spends time with children in leisure activities away from home, at home working on a project or playing together, having private talks, or helping with reading or homework, with responses ranging from 1 = never or rarely to 6 = almost every day . Finally, mother’s harsh behaviors are constructed from questions about how often she yells at or spanks or slaps her children. The wording of questions and the referent differ across waves, but are comparable. At NSFH1, mothers are asked two questions about yelling and spanking/slapping the children, i.e., all children in the household. Response alternatives range from 1 = never to 4 = very often and are averaged across items. At NSFH2, questions refer specifically to the focal child. Mothers are asked two questions about how they respond when the focal child does something especially bad, namely how often they yell at the child and how often they spank or slap the child. They are asked a third question about how they try to influence the focal child’s behavior, including how often they yell or shout. Responses to the three items range from 1 = never to 5 = always and are averaged. We rescaled the NSFH2 mean so that our measure of harsh behaviors ranges from 0.8 – 4. The focal child-specific measures of parenting behaviors should result in a tighter fit between what mothers report about parenting and the focal child’s own perception of parenting.

Missing data on family income and mothering are assigned mean values for the sample, and missing cases are flagged in all models. We tested the sensitivity of our results to including cases that were missing information, and key findings were similar whether we flagged cases with missing data or dropped them from our analyses. 8 Income and mothering variables enter models in standardized form, with means of 0 and standard deviations of 1, so that we can more directly compare how each is associated with child well-being.

Table 1 shows means and standard deviations of our income and mothering variables for our full sample and by family type. Differences across family types suggest that these variables may indeed account for associations between family structure, conflict, and child outcomes. While family income varies somewhat by level of marital conflict, variation within continuously married-parent families is small relative to the very large gap between them and single mothers (e.g., nearly $58,000 for high conflict continuously married parents compared to $27,000 for single mothers). Indicators of mothering also vary as expected, with low conflict married-parent families having the highest scores on relationships and time with mother, and the lowest scores on harsh behaviors. Mothering variables for the high conflict married-parent families look more similar to those of stepfather and single mother families than to those of other, low conflict, continuously married-parent families. These associations may be confounded by pre-existing characteristics of families not yet controlled.

We examine indicators of young adult well-being in the areas of schooling, substance use, and family related transitions. For schooling, we model high school dropout, 9 poor grades in high school (“C” or below), and never attended a two- or four-year college. For substance use, we model smoking in the past 30 days, binge drinking (five or more drinks in one sitting) in the past 30 days, and marijuana use in the past year. Family-related transitions include early first sex (before age 16), early cohabitation (before age 21), nonmarital childbearing, and union dissolution. Early sex is based on a single question about age at first sex, and other family transitions are pieced together from union and childbearing histories collected at NSFH2 and NSFH3.

Outcomes are measured when children are ages 19 – 34, at NSFH3 for the younger focal children and at either NSFH2 or NSFHF3 for the older focal children. If the older focal children were interviewed only at NSFH2 or NSFH3, we use the available interview. If both interviews are available, we prioritize NSFH2 in the case of dropout, poor grades, substance use, and early sex, since these events either take place prior to age 18 (the youngest age at NSFH2), or are somewhat more common at younger ages. For college attendance, early cohabitation, nonmarital childbearing, and union dissolution, we prioritize the NSFH3 report to give the focal child more time to experience these events. We include a flag in all models for whether the outcome was assessed at NSFH2 or NSFH3.

We consider outcomes for males and females together. Recent literature indicates that there are few differences in the effects of family disruption by child gender ( Amato, 2005 ; Jekielek, 1998 ). In the one case of nonmarital childbearing, because we were concerned about the quality of men’s nonmarital fertility reports ( Rendall, Clarke, Peters, Ranjit, & Verropoulou, 1999 ), we examined models separately for women. Coefficients in the models including women only were similar to those of the pooled sample, although some lost statistical significance, likely due to a reduction in statistical power. We report pooled results here.

Table 1 shows the frequency of each of our outcomes, for which final samples vary by item nonresponse and censoring: 12% dropped out of high school, over a fifth had poor grades in high school, and 37% never attended college. Substance use is reasonably common, with about a third of the sample reporting smoking and binge drinking in the past month, and about a quarter using marijuana in the past year. The transition to first sex occurred before age 16 for 20% of young men and women (of those who did not make or age out of the transition prior to the time we observed their adolescent family experiences). Twenty percent cohabited by the age of 21, 11% had a child outside of marriage, and 41% experienced the dissolution of their first cohabiting or marital union. Almost across the board, children from low conflict continuously married-parent families have the lowest proportions engaging in measured outcomes, that is, prior to any controls for socio-demographic and other differences across family types.

The availability of mother’s education, union, and childbearing histories and detailed information on her social class background allow us to control for important characteristics that are prior to family structure and conflict, including: race, highest level of education prior to the focal child’s birth, childhood family structure, age at first birth, and union dissolution prior to the focal child’s birth. 10 Many of these factors are associated with both family structure and child well-being, and may be associated with conflict, as well. We also include controls for the focal child’s sex and age. Specifically, as discussed earlier in the text, we control for whether the child was on the younger or older end of adolescence at the time his or her family experiences were observed, adding a dummy for age 10–14 versus 15–18 at family assessment. We flag whether family experiences were measured at NSFH1 or NSFH2 and whether outcomes were measured at NSFH2 or NSFH3. Descriptive statistics on control variables are shown in Appendix Table 1 . 11

Appendix Table 1

Means on Control Variables

Note: Proportions are weighted; N ’s are unweighted. Flag for whether older focal child outcome measured at NSFH2 or NSFH3 varies by outcome and is not shown here.

We use logistic regression to analyze dichotomous indicators for school-related outcomes and substance use. For these models, exponentiated coefficients represent the proportionate change in the odds associated with a unit change in the observed characteristic x i , holding all else constant ( Agresti, 1990 ). We use Cox proportional hazard models to examine determinants of time to family-related transitions, i.e., sex, cohabitation, nonmarital birth, and union dissolution. The Cox model provides multivariate estimates of the effects of independent variables on the time-dependent risk of transition ( Cleves, Gould, and Gutierrez, 2002 ; Cox, 1972 ). Hazard models are appropriate for analyzing time to an event, especially when there is censoring. Exponentiated coefficients represent the proportionate change in the baseline hazard associated with characteristic x i , and can be interpreted as a change in the relative risk of an event for a one-unit change in x i . The Cox model assumes that the effect of covariates remains constant at all durations, but it makes no assumptions about the shape of the baseline hazard over time.

We model the age-specific risks of sex, cohabitation, and nonmarital childbearing and the duration-specific risk of union dissolution (i.e., duration since the start of the first union). Age 16 is treated as a competing risk in the model of first sex (i.e., at age 16, individuals are removed from the risk set). For cohabitation and nonmarital childbearing, age 21 and age at marriage are treated as competing risks, respectively. For early sex, early cohabitation, and nonmarital childbearing, children’s exposure to risk starts after we observe their family circumstances in adolescence, and cases are left-truncated if children make or age out of the transition of interest prior to that date. For union dissolution, exposure starts at the time of the first union, and cases are left-truncated if their unions begin prior to their adolescent family observation. The only outcome for which left-truncation results in a significant loss of cases is first sexual intercourse. Because we are modeling age-specific risks of first sex and all ages up to 16 are represented in our models, censoring these cases reduces the precision of estimates but does not lead to bias. 12

We posit that adolescence marks the onset or heightening of risk related to key young adult transitions, and that family experiences during this stage matter for the subsequent life course. “Clocking” exposure from the time that a child’s adolescent family experiences are observed rests on the notion that what is critical is measuring family experiences at some point in adolescence and measuring them prior to transitions of interest. That said, our measurement of family experiences – the start of our “clock” – may not precisely correspond to when a child becomes “at risk” of an event (this applies as well, to varying degrees, to our logistic regression models). It is reasonable to expect that family effects vary by their timing relative to a child’s risk of any given event – and worth reiterating that our analyses capture a snapshot of an unfolding process. Our sensitivity tests examining the implications of child age at family assessment (10–14 versus 15–18) suggest that our main findings do not depend on whether our clock starts earlier or later in adolescence, but larger sample sizes and more systematic analyses would be required to speak more fully to the possibility of varying family effects depending on when in a child’s life they are measured.

We start by reviewing results of our logistic regression models of academic achievement, which are found in Table 2 , Panel A. This table reports exponentiated coefficients or odds ratios relating our key measures of adolescent family experience to high school dropout, grades, and college attendance. Model 1 includes family type, and Model 2 adds family income and mothering in standardized form. The first set of rows in Table 2 compares the odds of school-related outcomes for children from high conflict married-parent, stepfather, and single-mother families to low conflict married-parent families. In the rows below labeled “key contrasts,” we vary the reference group, examining differences among children from high conflict, stepfather, and single-mother families. While they do not appear in the table, both models include the controls described earlier (mother’s race, education, childhood family structure, and past childbearing and union experiences; child’s age and sex; flags for missing data on mother’s background and the wave at which family experiences and outcomes were assessed); Appendix Table 2 displays the full set of parameter estimates from Model 2.

Logistic Regression Models of Academic Achievement and Substance Use

Note: Controls are included in M1 and M2, but not shown, for child’s age and sex and mother’s race, education, childhood family structure, and past childbearing and union experiences.

Appendix Table 2

Odds Ratios (Exp[B]) from Full Logistic Regression Model (Model 2) of Academic Achievement and Substance Use

Note: Flags are included, but not shown, for missing data on family income and mothering.

Model 1 indicates that, compared to living in a low conflict continuously married-parent family, living in a high conflict family increases the odds of dropping out of high school and poor grades, but is not significantly related to college attendance. Living in a stepfather or single-mother family is associated with all three outcomes, and appears to be more strongly associated with both dropping out and not attending college than conflict (see rows labeled “key contrasts”). For example, while parental conflict is associated with a 76% increased odds of drop out, stepfather and single-mother families are associated with nearly a tripling or greater of these odds.

Model 2 adds family income and mothering variables. The odds ratio on income is less than one for all three academic outcomes, but is not statistically significant in the case of dropping out. A one standard deviation increase in income is associated with about a 10% reduction in the odds of poor grades and a 15% reduction in the odds of not going to college. The quality of the mother-child relationship is negatively associated with dropping out and poor grades, but not college attendance. A one standard deviation increase in mother-child relationship quality is associated with about a 20% decline in the odds of dropping out and poor grades. Somewhat surprisingly, time with mother and harsh mothering are not statistically significantly associated (net of other variables) with any of these academic outcomes. In particular, we hypothesized that time with mother would be important in mediating the association between family type and academic achievement, especially as one dimension of time includes help with homework.

The three mothering variables are jointly significant in models of dropping out and poor grades and, together with income, they modestly reduce (mostly by 10–15%) the coefficients on parental conflict and family structure (see column labeled “% Δ,” which compares coefficients from Models 1 and 2). In the case of high school drop out, including family income and (especially) mothering reduces the coefficient on high parental conflict to statistical insignificance; in the case of poor grades, adding these variables reduces coefficients on stepfather and single mother to statistical insignificance. Mothering appears unrelated to college attendance (i.e., variables are individually and jointly statistically insignificant) and thus does not explain associations between this outcome and family structure. Income, however, explains a modest share of the association between college attendance and living with a single mother (it reduces the single-mother coefficient by 12%).

Table 3 provides a final – more intuitive – look at differences in academic achievement by family type. It shows predicted probabilities of high school dropout, poor grades, and no college attendance generated from Model 2 parameter estimates, setting family income, mothering, and controls to their mean values and varying dummies on family type. In the case of dropout, adjusted proportions range from 6% of children from low conflict married-parent families not graduating to 17% from single-mother families. Differences are narrower in the case of poor grades (ranging from 18–24% of children from low and high conflict married-parent families, respectively) and never attending college (ranging from 34–43% of children from low conflict married-parent families and both stepfather and single-mother families, respectively). Adjustments reflected in the predicted probabilities appear to account for a greater share of the poor schooling outcomes among children from single-parent families compared to others ( Table 3 predicted probabilities versus Table 1 unadjusted proportions).

Predicted Values from Logistic Regression Models of Academic Achievement and Substance Use

Note: Predicted probabilities are derived from our full models, varying family structure and conflict and holding all other covariates at their mean values. See Table 2 , Model 2, for tests of statistical significance.

Panel B of Table 2 shows the exponentiated coefficients or odds ratios for key variables from logistic regression models of substance use (recall that models include controls that are not displayed in the table; the full set of parameter estimates are shown in Appendix Table 2 ). Coming from a high conflict married-parent, stepfather, or single-mother family increases the odds of smoking, binge drinking, and marijuana use, relative to a low conflict married-parent family (result just misses statistical significance in the case of high conflict married-parent families and marijuana use). The increase in odds is reasonably substantial, ranging from about 50–100%; e.g., in Model 1, the odds of smoking are 53% higher for children from high conflict families and 105% higher for children from single-mother families. The only differences among high conflict, stepfather, and single-mother family types (see “key constrasts”) appear to be in smoking, where odds are lower for children in the high conflict married-parent families. There is some indication that the odds of binge drinking are higher for children in these families relative to those in stepfather and single-mother families, although differences miss statistical significance. This story is largely the same whether we look at Model 1 or Model 2.

Mother-child relationship quality is negatively associated with marijuana use, as is mother’s time with smoking (Model 2). Across outcomes, the mothering variables explain little of the family conflict and structure associations – and are individually and jointly insignificant in the case of binge drinking. Family income is statistically significant in the binge drinking and marijuana models, with a standard deviation increase in income increasing the odds of these outcomes by 28 and 16%, respectively. This is consistent with income increasing the ability of youths to purchase alcohol and drugs. Income acts as a suppressor in the associations between single-mother families and drinking and marijuana use; including income increases the coefficient on single-mother families by 15% in the case of drinking and 9% in the case of marijuana (column labeled “% Δ”). This is reflected in the predicted probabilities ( Table 3 ), which show higher levels of binge drinking and marijuana use among single-mother families (37 and 27%, respectively), relative to the unadjusted proportions shown in Table 1 (32 and 25%, respectively).

Table 4 shows Cox hazard results for early sex, early cohabitation, nonmarital childbearing, and union disruption (models include controls that are not displayed in the table; the full set of parameter estimates are shown in Appendix Table 3 ). Exponentiated coefficients are given for our key family variables, and these can be interpreted as relative risks. Compared to those from low conflict married-parent families, the risks of each of our family-related transitions are anywhere from 25% to upwards of 100% greater for children from high conflict married-parent, stepfather, and single-mother families (not statistically significant in the case of high conflict married-parent families and early cohabitation). Risks also tend to be greater for children from stepfather and single-mother families, relative to children from high conflict married-parent families, although differences are not consistently statistically significant (see “key contrasts”). Whether we focus on Model 1 or 2, differences are statistically significant in the case of early cohabitation, with the risk being about 30% lower for children from high conflict married-parent families, relative to those from either stepfather or single-mother families. But differences among these families are not statistically significant in the case of early sex, and the picture is mixed when we look at nonmarital childbearing (in Model 2, no significant differences) and union dissolution (in Model 2, higher risks among children from single-mother families, relative to both high conflict and stepfather families).

Cox Hazard Models of Family-Related Transitions

Appendix Table 3

Hazard Ratios (Exp[B]) from Full Cox Regression Model (Model 2) of Family-Related Transitions

Family income and mothering are not consistently linked to family-related transitions (Model 2). In the case of early sex, relative risks associated with income and mothering are close to 1 and are individually and jointly statistically insignificant. Income is negatively related to early cohabitation and nonmarital childbearing, with a one standard deviation increase in income associated with about a 10% reduction in the relative risk of these transitions. Improvements in mother-child relationship quality are associated with a reduction in the relative risks of early cohabitation, nonmarital childbearing, and union disruption, on the order of about 10% for a one standard deviation change in relationship quality. Net of other variables, mother’s time and harsh mothering appear to be little associated with family-related transitions.

Given their weak associations with these outcomes, it is not surprising that income and mothering account for little of the associations between conflict, family structure, and family-related transitions (column labeled “% Δ”). Adding income and mothering to Model 1 typically reduces the conflict and family structure coefficients by less than 10%. Income and mothering explain slightly more of the single-mother association with early cohabitation (reducing the coefficient by 11%) and nonmarital fertility (reducing the coefficient by 15%).

We set out to address how children who experience high levels of parental conflict fare compared to those in other family arrangements. Our results clearly illustrate that the advantages of living with two continuously married parents are not shared equally by all children. In models unadjusted for income and parenting, children from high conflict married-parent families (compared to low conflict married-parent families) had higher odds (ranging from about 50–75%) of dropping out of high school, reporting poor grades, smoking, and binge drinking; they were at greater risk (on the order of about 50%) of early sex, nonmarital childbearing, and union dissolution. Consistent with past research, we also found higher odds of poor schooling outcomes and substance use and greater risks of our family-related transitions among children from stepfather and single-mother families, relative to those from low conflict married-parent families. Differences also tended to be higher relative to children from high conflict married-parent families, although these were statistically significant in just about half the outcomes we examined. Often, associations with parental conflict were statistically indistinguishable from those with stepfather and single mother-families (this is true for poor grades, binge drinking, marijuana use, early sex, and either nonmarital childbearing or union dissolution, depending on Model 1 or 2).

We also set out to explore key factors that might account for associations between family type and child well-being – family income and parenting. Family income was negatively related to 4, and positively related to 2, of our 10 outcomes. It played a modest role in explaining the association between single-mother family structure and poor grades, college attendance, early cohabitation, and nonmarital childbearing and served as a suppressor in the case of binge drinking and drug use. As expected, it played little role in accounting for associations between either high conflict or stepfather families and young adult well-being. With a second potential earner and caretaker in the household, these families are more sheltered from the financial insecurity of single-mother families.

We found weak evidence of the importance of parenting behaviors in explaining differences across family types in child well-being: parenting behaviors varied modestly across family type ( Table 1 ), and were in turn only inconsistently associated with our young adult outcomes. Contrary to our expectations, mother’s time explained little of the associations between family type and academic achievement (e.g., via help with homework) or substance use (e.g., via monitoring). Indeed, in only one case – smoking – was time with mothers statistically significant and associated with young adult well-being in the hypothesized direction, that is, more time with mothers associated with less smoking. Mothers’ harsh parenting was not associated with any of our outcomes, net of controls, although we expected it to be an important link between parental conflict and both substance use and early family transitions. The quality of the mother-child relationship was more consistently related to young adult well-being, having negative, statistically significant associations with 6 of 10 of our outcomes, including outcomes across the three domains of academic achievement, substance use, and family-related transitions. We hypothesized that family structure and conflict would affect aspects of parenting, which in turn would affect child outcomes. But given the modest associations of our mothering variables with family type, and in turn with young adult outcomes, these variables overall explained no more than about 15% of the associations between family type and young adult well-being.

Understanding how families matter for children requires identifying the most salient dimensions of families and measuring them well. Measurement issues may produce underestimates of conflict relative to family structure – as well as underestimates of the pathways through which families influence children. As noted earlier, conflict is observed at a point in time, representing a snapshot in the family lives of adolescents, such that past conflict and its effects may be captured within low conflict continuously married-parent, stepfather, and single-mother categories, resulting in inflated estimates of all groups compared to what we call high conflict families. Beyond issues relating to the timing of measurement, conceptualizing conflict is a more challenging enterprise than constructing family structure from reasonably reliable and complete marriage histories. Like many studies of parental conflict, we measure conflict by the frequency of disagreements common in marriage. This seems a good strategy when thinking about marital problems that affect children, as disagreements are observable and may set the emotional climate for the household. But how parents manage disagreement may be a key factor in children’s perceptions of conflict and thus how they are affected by conflict ( Cox, 1999 ). Incorporating, for example, how often disagreements become angry and violent, or how often parents reach resolutions or offer reassurances to children, may lead to better estimates of the associations between parental conflict and child well-being.

The salient dimensions of parenting are also difficult to capture. Subtle aspects of tone and attentiveness may affect children’s perception of time with parents, just as small and scattered expressions of warmth may affect children’s reactions to yelling. Further, children in the same family may be affected differently by parents’ behaviors – there may be variation in children’s sensitivity and needs, as well as variation in their responses that in turn influence parent-child interactions. Recall that mother-child relationship quality was more often related to young adult well-being than our other indicators of mothering. The questions (at both waves) about relationship quality refer specifically to the focal child, whereas this is not the case for time or harsh behaviors, which refer more generally to all children. 13 Sharpening our measurement of parenting could lead to stronger estimates of its mediating role in associations between family type and young adult well-being, better tapping how family conflict and structure might affect parenting, and how parenting in turn affects child outcomes. Of course, the weakness of our mothering variables could also point to the need to investigate other mechanisms, such as stress or attitudes and beliefs. Family type could also be working more directly in some instances, for example in the modeling of conflict that may lead to own union dissolution.

Should parents stay together for the sake of the children? Children tend to fare better with both married parents, but mean differences in child well-being mask important variation. Despite caveats concerning potential underestimates of conflict, we find that children from high conflict married-parent families do more poorly in the domains of schooling and substance use, and are at greater risk of early family formation and dissolution, relative to children from low conflict married-parent families. In half of our outcomes, high conflict, stepfather, and single-mother families are statistically indistinguishable in their associations with young adult well-being. These findings hold once account is taken of key mechanisms posited to link family type and child outcomes. They are consistent with recent research on marriage and the well-being of adults, showing that although marriage confers benefits to adults on average, those in poor quality marriages are no better off than the single and, indeed, may fare worse on some measures ( Hawkins & Booth, 2005 ; Williams & Umberson, 2004 ). We conclude with the perhaps obvious point that marriage is not a blanket prescription for the well-being of children, any more than it is for the well-being of adults. Recent policy initiatives to promote marriage need to take account of how variation within marriage relates to child well-being.

Acknowledgments

Support for this research was provided by Grant Numbers K01 HD42690 and K01 HD49571 from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development and the Office of Behavioral and Social Sciences to the first and second authors, respectively. We are grateful to Larry Bumpass, Paula England, Judith Seltzer, the editor of Social Science Research, and two anonymous reviewers for insightful comments and suggestions on earlier drafts.

1 Results available from the authors upon request.

2 Conversely, it may be that our high conflict two-parent families are in the process of divorce, and that any negative associations with child outcomes are due in part to subsequent separation – not the conflict that preceded it. For the older focal children living with both parents in adolescence (i.e., at NSFH1, when they were 12–18), we can use the next wave of main respondent interviews to ascertain how many of these parents separated by NSFH2, when children were 18–25. Only 5% of these two-parent families separated by NSFH2, including 13% of those labeled high conflict. The vast majority of parents still together in their child’s adolescence remained together at least over the course of the next 7 years, taking their children into young adulthood. Because of a combination of missing data and nonresponse among parents at NSFH3, it is difficult to ascertain how many of the younger focal child parents subsequently separated.

3 Because of the timing of birth and interview dates, a few cases fall outside these age ranges.

4 While this opens the possibility of differential period effects, recent work finds no evidence of change over time in the association between family structure and at least some aspects of child well-being ( Li & Wu, 2002 ; Musick & Mare, 2006 ; Sigle-Rushton et al., 2005 ).

5 Focal children were followed up for interview at NSFH3 regardless of whether they were interviewed at NSFH2. Of the 1,914 older focal children at NSFH1, 1,069 were interviewed at NSFH2. At NSFH3, 889 were interviewed, including 247 who did not respond at NSFH2.

6 In 84% of cases, conflict scores are based on reports from both mothers and fathers on at least one of the six conflict questions (76% of cases include reports from both parents on all six items). The average level of conflict for those with reports from both spouses is somewhat higher than the average for the 16% with data from one spouse only. We ran baseline models flagging cases with conflict data from one spouse only, and found (in results not shown) that the flag was generally not statistically significant, and adding the flag did not alter our key findings.

7 Marriage chances drop off sharply following a nonmarital birth ( Brien, Lillard, & Waite, 1999 ). Allowing parents one year to marry following the focal’s birth captures those parents that marry without including (many) step relationships (see Bumpass, Raley, & Sweet, 1995 ).

8 Missing data on these items are as follows: 11% on family income, 8% on mother-child relationship quality, 8% on mother’s time, and 13% on harsh behaviors.

9 High school dropout is defined as not having received a diploma at graduation, and it includes children who passed a high school equivalency test such as the GED. In terms of labor market outcomes, exam-certified high school equivalents bear a stronger resemblance to high school dropouts than to graduates ( Cameron & Heckman, 1993 ).

10 When mothers’ childbearing and union histories are not available, we set values to 0 and include a flag for missing mother report. When we have no report of mother’s race or education, we fill this information in with partners’ reports, if available, since these characteristics tend to vary little within couples (see Schwartz & Mare, [2005] on education and Qian [1997] on race).

11 We ran sensitivity analyses including controls for child behavior problems at NSFH1. The argument for including them is mixed: if parents respond to children’s behavior and not vice versa, omitting behavior problems would inflate estimates of mothering; however, if the arrows of causality work in the hypothesized direction – from parents to children – including them would capture aspects of mothering and understate the total effects of mothering. Including child behavior problems resulted in little change in key coefficients, and we leave them out of final models.

12 Our baseline sample of 1,963 includes 1,825 focal children with valid reports on age at first sex. Of these, 438 had sex before their parents reported on their adolescent family environment, and 275 turned 16 (without first having sex) before this date, leaving 1,112 cases. Of the remaining observations, 261 had sex prior to the age of 16.

13 Harsh parenting behaviors are asked with respect to all children in the household at NSFH1, but specifically with respect to the focal child at NSFH2.

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Contributor Information

Kelly Musick, Cornell University.

Ann Meier, University of Minnesota.

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25 Sound Tips on How to Be a Better Parent

Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships. She encourages making room for love and facing challenges together.

In This Article

When contemplating how to be a better parent, everyone hopes to find the magic answer. Many adults need to learn as they go since each child is different, coming with a unique personality and set of problems as they grow. 

There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and as they say, “they don’t come with an owner’s manual” (which would be so helpful).

One of the unwritten rules is we won’t find a perfect child and would never have that expectation, and none of us will ever be the perfect parent and should not strive for that goal. Perfection is unrealistic and unattainable for any person. 

What we need to do as imperfect humans is work each day to learn from the mistakes we’re bound to make that day so the next day we can become a better parent of our own volition, sort of a trial and error process.

It’s essential to understand the progression into being a better parent continues as long as you’re alive. Even after they’ve grown, you’ll always be working to improve how you interact, advice you give, and knowing your place when grandkids come along. That’s a whole other learning process.

Meaning of good parenting

Being a good parent means making yourself available to your child in every situation as their support system. That doesn’t imply only when things are going well or when good things occur. 

It’s also when things become challenging, or there are difficult times, angst, and challenges a young person doesn’t know how to deal with.

You might not have all the answers, but together you can research for the answers to help resolve the challenging problems. Solutions may not always be cut and dry or austere, but the important thing is to show persistence to make it clear your goal is to help. 

Sometimes that’s enough knowing there’s someone in their corner. If you want to work on being a better parent, read this book titled The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax, MD, P.hd. 

Role of parenting styles in children’s upbringing

The role of parenting styles in a child’s upbringing is crucial, impacting various aspects of their development. 

Different parenting styles, such as authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved, provide varied emotional contexts and behavioral patterns that significantly influence the child’s overall growth and development. 

This highlights the importance of parenting tips for parents, emphasizing how to be a good parent to a baby, and the impact these styles have on children’s progress in multiple developmental domains.

Role of discipline in parenting

Discipline plays a fundamental role in parenting, acting as a guide to help children understand boundaries, respect, and self-control. Effective discipline, a crucial part of parents advice to their children, is about teaching rather than punishing. 

It involves setting clear rules and consequences, being consistent, and modeling appropriate behavior. This approach helps children learn from their mistakes and fosters an environment of trust and understanding. 

For new parents, incorporating discipline is essential in their parenting tips for new parents toolkit. It’s about nurturing a child’s ability to make sound decisions and fostering a sense of responsibility, essential for their growth into well-rounded individuals.

Impact of home environment on a child’s learning

The home environment significantly impacts a child’s learning, offering the initial and most influential learning context. A nurturing, stimulating, and supportive home setting enhances cognitive and social development. This environment includes elements like parental involvement, educational resources, and emotional support. 

For parents wondering how to be a better mom or how to become a better parent, creating an engaging and positive home learning environment is key. It fosters curiosity, critical thinking, and a love for learning.  

Parents can encourage this by engaging in meaningful conversations, providing access to books and educational materials, and showing interest in their child’s academic progress.

Role of parental self-care in good parenting

Parental self-care is a critical component in being a better parent and becoming a better parent. It involves parents taking time for their physical, emotional, and mental well-being. When parents care for themselves, they are more likely to have the energy, patience, and clarity needed for effective parenting.  

Regular self-care reduces stress and burnout, enabling parents to respond more calmly and thoughtfully to their children’s needs. It also models healthy habits for children, teaching them the importance of self-care and emotional regulation. 

Ultimately, when parents prioritize their well-being, they are better equipped to provide the nurturing, stable environment necessary for a child’s development.

5 qualities of a good parent 

Numerous qualities are necessary to learn how to be a better parent. Many adults who enjoy the process plus put in the time and effort share commonalities in character traits displayed with their children. Some of these include:

1. Breathe deeply and carry on

Kids are not always going to be the “model citizen.” When learning how to be a good parent to a toddler specifically, you need to master the skill of patience. 

There will be behavioral issues, messes, and sassiness, plus cute and pretty terrific. Allow them to develop who they will be, take that deep breath and carry on with appropriate positive reinforcements.

2. Motivation and encouragement

As kids get into the school environment, self-confidence and self-esteem can become victims of other children. It’s essential to ensure that you’re motivating your kid every day.

In this way, the self-doubt that might creep in and the opinions of others that could take a toll are overshadowed by the encouragement you provide.

3. Bend when you fail

You will fail and need a backup plan. That requires flexibility to change up what you initially thought would be a good solution that turned out wrong. Don’t get emotional or show defeat. It’s essential always to remain calm and think of Plan B.

Kids have a hilarious demeanor and can be silly; laugh with them. Show them you have a fantastic sense of humor and that it’s okay to have a good time. Laughter helps reduce stress and decreases the worries plaguing you as the parent and your child.

5. The leader, not the boss

While you might be the “boss of the house,” there’s genuinely no good reason to throw your weight around. Instead, take control of situations in a “leadership” role as you would in a workplace situation. Teach your kids how to be natural leaders instead of bossy.

25 practical tips on how to be a better parent

Most of us wonder daily how to be a better parent. In reality, what kids want is parents who will make themselves available, show support, love them unconditionally, and provide constructive discipline. 

You might find that hard to believe, but children want to be corrected. It’s part of showing that you care when you make them accountable for what they do that’s inappropriate.

They might be grounded, but they know you love them. Dr. Lisa Damour offers a series of podcasts on The Psychology of Parenting to provide more guidance. Check a few of them out. Let’s look at a few ways to be a better parent.

1. Express appreciation for attributes

All kids have strengths. It’s vital to express your appreciation for their attributes by complimenting them regularly. 

It not only builds their self-esteem and helps to develop their confidence but motivates their growth and desire to chase after goals or dreams they might have as they get older.

2. Speak in a calm voice

There’s no reason to shout or yell at anyone, especially a young person. It’s demeaning and just uncalled for. In the same way, you wouldn’t incorporate corporal punishment on a fur baby, there should be none with a child, including raising your voice.

If there’s an issue that needs discussing, a calm discussion about consequences and then following through with those repercussions indicates ways to be a better parent.

3. Corporal punishment and what that entails

Corporal punishment is not just about yelling. When we speak of unfavorable treatment of a child, there should never be an occasion where you spank or hit a little one. 

A time-out appropriate to the child’s age is a reasonable positive disciplinary reaction, but there should never be any sort of mistreatment or abuse.

4. Make sure to be present

Being a good parent means setting aside time each day to actively listen to what’s happened with your child that day. 

That means putting away all potential distractions, avoiding interruptions, and sitting down for a quiet period of one-on-one conversation, complete with open-ended questions that will lead you into a dialogue.

5. Pick an interest

In that same vein, let your kid choose an interest or a hobby that the two of you can enjoy, perhaps one day each week or even monthly together. 

Performing an activity, especially one outside your comfort zone, will bring your relationship closer and help your child see you in a different light.

6. Affection needs to last longer

The suggestion is that the “happy chemicals” in our brain take several seconds to release when you’re showing a partner or a child any kind of affection. 

That means when you hug a little one, it needs to be as long as perhaps 8 seconds for them to get those chemicals flowing – and you too.

7. Sassiness can be tough

If your child is talking back, this is the time to draw in all your strength to learn how to be a better parent. In many cases, they’re learning to exert their opinion on the topic you’ve introduced, regardless of whether it’s their being in trouble for something inappropriate. 

Of course, the kid is handling the situation poorly by being sassy, but as the parent, you can encourage a discussion but only if they decide to do so with a different attitude. If the little one can’t do that, there will be more consequences for this unacceptable behavior.

8. Is this as important as some of the other issues?

Sometimes you need to “pick your battle.” Some are serious and require handling. Others are not so much and can be let slide. Then, when something major happens, the kid listens to what you have to say instead of zoning out because you tend to bring up every little thing.

9. Be a proactive parent

When you consider what makes a good parent, someone proactive with teaching new skills comes to mind. When reading stories to your small one, it’s wise to ask questions as you go through the story. 

This helps you see if the child is getting the gist of what the story is about and allows them to explain what they’re learning as it plays out, plus have them point out new words they’ve learned as you read together.

There are also unique ways to present counting and math skills, but you need to research methods in which you believe it would be the easiest for your child to pick up the skills since each kid learns uniquely.

10. Kids need to be spoken to and treated age-appropriately

We sometimes forget that our toddler is a small person or that our teenager is not a toddler. When speaking to a tiny person, they don’t understand you’re giving them a dissertation on the whys and what-ifs of the problem at hand before finally giving them the consequences. 

It goes right over their head and out the window. The same goes for teenagers when you speak down to them as if they’re a small child; it also goes in one ear and out the other. Your parenting needs to follow the child’s age with whom you’re dealing.

11. Resolving arguments between kids

If your kids are arguing among themselves or your child is fighting with the neighborhood kids, it’s up to the adults who are learning how to be a better parent to intervene. 

In becoming a better parent, you should have constructive ways for children to resolve their issues and help them learn how to do that. 

Using a kids’ game to come to a solution, like perhaps “rock/paper/scissors” or another method, will make the outcome fair and satisfy everyone involved.

12. A partnership needs to be healthy

Children watch everything that occurs in the household. It’s vital that you maintain a healthy partnership as parents, meaning you don’t neglect it because you have children. 

No one would expect that. There should be date nights where grandparents babysit and affection and interaction that kids witness showing that their parents are doing well.

13. Parents united

Parents don’t always agree on the way to bring a child up. In fact, there can be disagreements in areas like discipline, causing tension between parents that a kid will usually pick up on.

For those who want to learn how to be a better parent, it’s vital to communicate the differences privately and present a united front to the children. 

No one wants kids who will pit parents against each other, and that can be a probable scenario if little ones see parents bickering over how to handle troublesome situations.

14. Nagging is a no go

When you’ve heard mom/dad for the gazillionth time and can’t stand it another minute, the appropriate response is typically one where you sit down, listen to what the little one has to say for the last time (letting them know it is the last time). 

After that, tell them that you have already answered this question several times, but since you’ve listened attentively for this period of time, they need to quietly listen as you answer for the final time, and then the subject will be closed with no more nagging.

15. Change your perspective

Check out the children’s perspective instead of looking at parenting as a “me vs. them” kind of deal. Most kids look at the world with innocence. They forgive with no question about holding a grudge. 

Their primary goal each day is to have fun and enjoy life, and they like to take things slow, relaxed, and calm instead of rushing, being chaotic and stressed. Maybe they have the right idea, and we’re the ones with the wrong outlook. 

When talking with them about issues, we need to remember how they view life and not think of these from our standpoint in order to be a good parent.

16. It’s okay to take a break

Taking a break from parenting is actually one method on how to become a good parent. 

It can be a shared experience with other parents in the neighborhood where perhaps each of you can take turns carpooling a group of children to school while the other parents have the day to do as they please. 

Then the next day, you take your turn as the carpool parent. Breaks like these refresh and rejuvenate, so there are no short tempers or exhaustion because parenting is a full-time, often exhausting role.

17. Journal

When considering how to be a better parent, one technique is journaling each evening before sleeping. These thoughts are only positive expressions of a few things that went well with your child that day. 

These things will bring good thoughts to the end of the day and make you feel as though you can say you know what makes you a good parent.

18. Set goals for family

When you question whether are you a good parent, answer that question by looking over an outline you developed with achievable goals on becoming that good parent. Again it’s important to be realistic because no one is perfect. 

A child will give you a different day every day with a new set of issues and an evolving personality. That means you need flexible goals, but that should be achievable. Perhaps after school, you can have a date for an ice cream cone and a conversation each day. 

That’s a goal that can turn into something you do well into the teenage or even adult years. Maybe not always ice cream, but possibly something more appropriate as the child grows older.

19. Allow choices

When a child believes they have a semblance of control over their decisions, it allows for creativity and innovation in their thought process. 

While you don’t want the little one to have free reign entirely until they’re a bit older, giving choices for them to decide from gives that same sense of freedom and makes the kid believe that he made the call. That’s stimulating for all children.

20. Show affection

Your child might fight it and blame you for embarrassing them, but deep down, it makes them feel good and loved when you shower them with affection, even in public. 

No one wants negative feedback in front of other children or parents, which can happen a lot, especially in games or sports, but when you have a parent out there cheering with all their heart, you can act like it’s humiliating, but it’s pretty cool.

21. Understand there will be change

While you might become attached to the way things are and be shocked when that is no more, you must embrace the fact that your child is growing and changing from day to day.

Their likes, dislikes, and things they’re into won’t stay the same, sometimes even for 24 hours, and that’s okay. As parents, you can only attempt to keep up with the changes and be happy that your kid is exploring what’s right for them and learning what isn’t.

22. Never too early for a lesson

In today’s world, kids need to start learning “adult” lessons earlier, including saving money and managing their savings appropriately. The first step is buying a piggy bank that the child would need to physically break to get the cash out. 

When the little one adds some change, find out how much they added and match that amount. It will excite the kid to see how it grows. While they will become antsy to spend the money, the fact they would have to break their piggy makes them hold out.

23. Never compare

If you’re trying to discern how to be a better parent, one distinct way to not be a better parent is to compare children, whether you have more than one child or your kid has a friend that comes over all the time. 

That should never be a thing. While you might believe it will motivate a child to do more or become motivated, it will only result in resentment towards you and the child you’re comparing them to, plus establish issues for them that sometimes carry on into their futures.

24. Take playtime outside

Make sure that your children get out of the house and into nature. The electronic, digital world is something kids will undoubtedly need to understand and learn, but that doesn’t mean they need to be connected 24/7. 

You can lead by example by disconnecting from your devices and going out to shoot some hoops with them.

25. Check out parenting materials

Whether you go to classes, read books, or even go to a counselor, become educated on being a better parent and continue these methods as your child grows.

This way, you’re always up to date on new methods and techniques you can use to give you a stronger degree of confidence as an adult and help to benefit your child as they grow. 

One audiobook that’s worth checking out is “Raising Good Human,” Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE, and Carla Naumburg, PhD.

Want to raise successful kids? Watch this Ted Talk by Julie Lythcott-Haims about how to do so without over-parenting:

Parenting is a journey filled with questions and uncertainties. From balancing personal needs to choosing the right parenting style, parents often seek guidance to navigate these challenges. Here are answers to some common parenting questions:

How can I balance parenting with my own needs and goals?

Set realistic expectations and prioritize self-care. Allocate time for your interests and goals, and involve your family in your journey. This balance is key to maintaining your well-being and being a present, positive parent.

Is there a “perfect” parenting style?

No single style is “perfect.” Effective parenting adapts to a child’s needs and family circumstances. Combining warmth, understanding, and appropriate boundaries often leads to positive outcomes.

How do I handle the guilt and pressure of parenting?

Acknowledge that no parent is perfect. Give yourself grace for mistakes and focus on learning and growing from them. Seek support from fellow parents and remember that your best effort is enough.

What resources are available to support my parenting journey?

Numerous resources, including parenting books, online forums, parenting classes, and support groups, offer guidance and community support. Consulting with child development experts or family therapists can also be beneficial.

Does my past affect my parenting abilities?

Your past experiences can influence your parenting, but they don’t define it. Awareness and a willingness to learn can help you overcome negative patterns and build positive parenting practices.

Happy parents, happier children!

Being a good parent is something you’ll always try to get a better handle on. It’s a constant learning process. It’s not easy – no one would ever lie to you like that. 

Still, there are plenty of materials to guide you through each stage of development, plus you can attend parenting classes to stay up to date on methods to use with your children to make the home environment a healthy, constructive, happy atmosphere.

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Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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10 Ways to Be a Better Parent

From asking questions to practicing active listening, these tricks will help you be a better parent.

Parenting is tough. That's a fact. Whether your little love bug is 3 or 13 doesn't matter, raising children is hard. But if you want to improve your parenting —and strengthen your relationship and bond—fear not: There are ways to do so. The following tips and tricks can help you rear children at any age. Read on to learn how to be better parent.

One of the most important things you can do for you child is to listen to them. Being present can make all the difference, i.e. children need to feel seen and heard, and being that sounding board is key. Plus, when you listen to your child you actually help build their independence, confidence, and self-esteem.

"When you listen to children, you are giving your time [and] listening ear to hear what it is they have to say," says an article by the Childcare and Education Expo . This lets them know they are valued. It also helps them feel seen and understood. But that's not all: Because children are fun, insightful, curious, and—to put it bluntly—fascinating creatures, in listening to them, you can learn and grow, too.

Avoid Comparisons and Labels

Your best friend's 8-month-old son is babbling, while your daughter, at 9 months, is silent. Is there something wrong with your child? While it's never a bad idea to express your concerns to your pediatrician, don't equate developmental milestones with developmental deadlines. "Babies develop so rapidly that one set of abilities is bound to develop faster than another," says Harvey Karp, MD, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block . "Look at your whole baby" when evaluating development, he suggests, a strategy that holds true for toddlers too: one 3-year-old may have fine-motor-control skills, handling a crayon with dexterity, for instance, while another may throw a ball better—and that's normal.

Taking into account the whole little person means factoring in temperament too. "It's important to consider who your child is, not just their age. For instance, if your child is naturally shy and quiet, it may be that they're not inclined to talk—not that they can't," Dr. Karp says.

Among siblings, comparisons can lead to labels. "Our little scholar," you might say of your book-obsessed toddler, or "our wild child," of their energetic sister. Even labels meant to praise your children's differing abilities can be problematic. Siblings sometimes feel that if one "owns" the athlete label, the other isn't even going to try, for fear of falling short. And that "picky eater" label may fuel the very behavior you'd like to discourage. Sure, there'll be times when you'll find yourself describing your child's likes and dislikes. But when you do so, "reframe" your words, Dr. Karp suggests. Try "energetic" (not "wild"), "spirited" (not "hyper"), and "careful" (not "shy").

Walk the Walk

Have you ever heard the expression "actions speak louder than words?" Well, when it comes to parenting, it's true. Children, especially young children, watch every move we make. They learn from what they see.

"You are actually teaching your child something every minute of every day—whether you intend to pass along a lesson or not," says Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums & Tears . "From how you handle stress to how you celebrate success... your child is observing you and finding out how to respond in various situations." So model the traits you wish to see in your kids.

Be respectful of others. Instill patience, love, and kindness. Remember to be open and honest, no matter how hard it may be. Express thanks and offer compliments, and above all, treat your kids, colleagues, friends, loved ones, and strangers the way you expect other people to treat you.

Let Your Child Make Mistakes

Your 2-year-old is building a tower, and you see that the block they're about to place on top will cause it to come crashing down. Anxious to avoid the crash—and ensuing tears—you stop them from adding the block, explaining that sometimes "one more is one too many." While you're right to prevent accidents that could cause harm, allowing your child to learn from their mistakes instills the lesson better than an explanation ever could, says Christopher Lucas, MD, an associate professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine, in New York City.

At a very basic level, this kind of mistake helps a child understand cause and effect. But it's also more emotionally healthy to let your child experience disappointment sometimes—especially in the form of a toppled block tower—instead of shielding him from any and all negative events, Dr. Lucas adds.

Of course, this works for older children, too, i.e. letting children learn from their mistakes helps build resilience. It is essential to raising a confident, capable, and successful adult. However, as children grow, so too does the size of their mistakes. Be patient, understanding, and (most importantly) listen.

Be Flexible

While you may be an "expert" parent or a seasoned parent—while you may have more than one child or be set in your ways—being flexible is important. It doesn't just make you a good parent, it sets you apart. But why is flexibility so important? Because every person is different. Every child is different, and we all change over time. The disciplinary tactics you use on your 2-year-old, for example, may not work on your teen.

"As your child changes, you'll gradually have to change your parenting style," an article from Kids Health explains. "Teens tend to look less to their parents and more to their peers for role models. But continue to provide guidance, encouragement, and appropriate discipline while allowing your teen to earn more independence. And seize every available moment to make a connection!"

Ask Questions

While listening to your child is important, asking questions is key. Why? Because questions stimulate conversation. They help you gain a better understanding of what your child is doing. Questions can also help you understand your child's thoughts and/or feelings.

That said, it's important to ask the right questions. In order to get the answers you seek—and to better understand your child—you'll want to pose open-ended questions , like "what do you like/dislike about school" or "what was your favorite part of today?" These questions encourage longer answers, i.e. your child cannot respond with a simple "yes" or "no."

Look Behind "Bad" Behavior

At some point your child will break every rule you make. But if you react to each infraction with the same show of disapproval—Mommy's mad, and little Johnny is going in the time-out chair—you may not reach an understanding of what prompted the rule-breaking behavior in the first place.

Your child's "misbehavior" is a direct result of something, be it an inability to control their emotions or something else, says Pantley. "Your child doesn't whine and have temper tantrums because they are trying to manipulate you, nor are they purposely being 'bad,'" says Pantley. Rather, they are lashing out for a reason. Look behind the "bad" behavior. Find the root cause, and discuss possible solutions.

Validate Your Child's Feelings

You've listened to your child. They've confided in you, telling you their hopes and dreams. Their likes, wants, and fears. Now, you need to validate their feelings.

"Validating your child's emotions can help your child learn self-compassion," says an article by Kaiser Permanente , one of America's leading health care providers. "When people have self-compassion, they are more likely to be able to deal with adversity and setbacks in a healthy way." Validating their feelings also helps them feel heard, seen, and valued. In a confusing time, i.e. childhood, being validated can help them feel understood.

Encourage Creativity

In a world full of "no's," "don'ts," and "you can't," be the voice of reason. Let your child run, dance, skip, jump in puddles, and play. Let them paint with a brush—or their fingers—making art on their terms, and in their own special way, and encourage said behavior. Giving genuine praise will foster creativity and their improve their confidence and self-esteem.

Trust Your Gut

Your intentions are good. In an effort to make the best choices for your child, you read up on how to impose just the right nap schedule, adhere to the appropriate amount of television viewing, and calibrate the best nutritional balance of protein, fats, and carbs. Trying to get it all right can be exhausting, and you're sometimes plagued with guilt that you haven't lived up to these standards. Sound familiar? The truth is, there are a lot of experts out there—and far too much advice, some of it conflicting.

"No one knows your child better than you do," says psychologist Michael Gurian, author of Nurture the Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child's Unique Core Personality , who encourages parents to trust their own instincts. "When parents reclaim control over the decision-making process, they feel liberated. They knew what to do," Gurian adds. "It was in their gut somewhere."

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Harvard-trained toxic parenting expert: 5 phrases I never say to my kids

As a parenting researcher and mother of three, one of the most important lessons I've learned is that our kids can doubt our unconditional love for them because of the subtle, and not-so-subtle, messages they receive from us about success . 

For example, you might truly believe that a child's effort is more important than their grade. But that's not the message they'll receive if the first thing you say to them when they get home from school is, "How did you do on your Spanish quiz?"

This emphasis can be felt by our kids as " perceived parental criticism ," and it is linked to poor mental health outcomes in kids. Knowing this has made me more mindful of the words I use with my teens, who are now 18, 16, and 14. Here are five phrases I never say:

1. 'Your job is to be a student'

High-achieving kids don't get many chances to feel useful to anyone but themselves. Too often, they are singularly focused on building up their resumes to get ahead.

For our kids to thrive, they must know how to contribute to their broader community.

With that in mind, my family has a volunteer mandate. It might sound like an oxymoron, but it's a way to show my kids that they possess a talent or skill that they can use to add value to the world.

It might be helping out a local organization that is close to their heart, or checking in on a neighbor. I want them to understand that they have so much more to offer the world than a high GPA.

2. 'Have you heard from any colleges yet?'

I don't allow stressful college discussions to seep into our daily conversations. We schedule them instead. One psychologist I interviewed for my book, " Never Enough ," said she confined conversations about college to Sundays from 3 pm to 4 pm during her son's junior year. 

Now that my son is going through college admissions, we've adopted that same standing appointment in our house. It has opened our family up to reduce the tension, enjoy the rest of the week and focus on the other important things in his life.

3. 'Did you get a grade back on that history paper?'

I never want my kids to think that their academic performance is what matters most to me, or that their grades define them. So when my kids get home from school, I lead with a more general and innocuous question like, "What did you have for lunch today?"

I've found that a low-key opening like this actually leads to more in-depth conversations with my kids about social dynamics, friendships, health and well-being.

4. 'I want to see you give 100% in everything'

At home, I've turned my focus to what I call "wise striving," or as child psychologist Lisa Damour explains it, teaching my kids how to be energy efficient.

In our house, we are in constant conversation about what it means to be a "good student." It's not giving everything 100%. That's what can lead to burnout and feed perfectionistic tendencies. Instead, it's learning to be strategic about where you spend your energy.

As Damour once told me, quoting a colleague: "The difference between getting a 91% and a 99% is a life."

5. 'I just want you to be happy'

Of course, I do want my kids to be happy and fulfilled — but sometimes I think that sentiment can be misconstrued and encourage people to selfishly only look out for number one. 

I know I am happiest when I feel valued and add value to others. I want to impart that lesson to my children.

I often tell them that I want them to find people and places in the world that need their help. Not to be better than others, but to be better for others, as the Jesuit saying goes.

That's how we live a life of meaning and purpose. 

Ultimately, I've realized that my job is to help my kids lead with their strengths, understand what they are good at, what matters to them, and how they can make a real impact. 

Jennifer Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of the New York Times bestseller " Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It ." She lives in New York City with her husband and three teens.   You can follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace . 

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I’ve spent a lifetime dreading the loss of a parent. And now it’s finally happened

I am shocked at how shocked I am. Why are we so unprepared when the inevitable comes to pass?

R ound at my mate’s house, one Saturday morning when I was 17 years old, something astounding appeared on his television. This was 3 November 1984. I know this for sure because I just looked it up. It was the day Indira Gandhi was cremated. Laid out on a sandalwood pyre, her head clearly visible, her body – her actual body – was in plain sight as her son lit the pyre to see his mother, in the words of most newspaper reports, consigned to flames .

I was aghast, horrified. But my friend’s dad said a thing that made me think again. It went something like this: “No, I think it’s very healthy. Death’s too hidden away in our society. I was in my 40s before I saw a dead body, and it was my father’s. What preparation did I have for that?” These words stuck fast in my mind.

And in the blink of an eye, almost 40 years on, last week it was me finding myself with a dead body for the first time, and it was my dad’s. Where was my preparation for this moment? I’d picked up precious little since watching Gandhi’s mortal remains disappear on that wide-eyed morning half a lifetime ago. Would this moment have been any easier if I’d spent the intervening years in a society less inclined to hide away its dead, in a world of public, coffin-less cremations or wakes with open caskets? I don’t know. I asked a couple of close friends with experience of both, one of Punjabi heritage, the other Irish. They didn’t know either. Both winced at some challenging childhood memories.

I tried to compute what was in front of me. I was surprised at how sure I was that the body itself was now irrelevant. His soul, his consciousness, his – how can I put it? – his himness had vanished. It wasn’t him. This was reassuring insomuch as it rendered what I was looking at kind of meaningless. But that’s not to say I will ever be able to unsee it so, again, I just don’t know.

I remain shocked at how shocked I am at his dying. After all, he was 86, we knew it was coming and it was a mercy to him – to all of us – that it came when it did. And though I loved him greatly, I’m surprised and even a bit guilty about being so terribly upset. It feels not far short of self-indulgent when I share the news with those of my friends who lost parents, let alone siblings and children, way before their time. It’s these tragedies that consume our attention, which is quite understandable, and as it should be. But I for one had slightly lost sight of the fact that standard, common or garden, had-a-good-innings-type deaths of aged parents remain bloody awful.

So, if you don’t mind, herewith, in no particular order, some thoughts. Just stuff that’s occurred to me since my dad had a fall (dread phrase), fracturing his shoulder, on 20 January. He was discharged from A&E that night, and a few days later a rehabilitation bed was found for him in a rural community hospital nearly an hour’s drive away. He died there six weeks later.

Here’s a thing: in the 10 days since, I’ve typed that word died hundreds of times, yet I’m still shocked every time I do so. Just when I was starting to get used to it, I got a text referring to my “dad’s death”. I’d not seen it expressed like that. Death. Death rather than died. It floored me. Odd that. Dying, too; I flinched as I typed that above. Wow. If even the most basic nouns and verbs lie in wait, scattered on this Via Dolorosa like shards of glass, how are you supposed to negotiate any of it?

This little hospital was a nice place, with kindness available to him day and night. But it slowly became clear he wouldn’t be coming out of there. I suppose the thing about a deathbed is that you don’t want to be on it for too long. For a while it felt as if he was stuck between a life he didn’t want to live any more and a death he didn’t want to die. The notion of life being thrown into reverse, into “the whole hideous inverted childhood”, as Larkin put it , turns out to be devastatingly, almost farcically accurate. Of all the many indignities involved there was one that finished me off: seeing Dad reduced to drinking from a sippy cup. A sippy cup, for fuck’s sake. Enough. I just looked up that poem and couldn’t even get past its title. I can’t even type the title here. I may well never read it again.

As the end rushed towards us, I realised that there are two types of people in the world. There are those who are familiar with dying and death, and there are those who aren’t. In the former group are doctors and nurses, emergency service workers, clerics, undertakers and so on. These people, and thank God for them, know what to expect and what to do. In the vast majority are the rest of us, who are woefully – mercifully? – short of “hands-on” experience of the dead. And still less of the process of dying, of the hours, minutes and moments before the end comes.

Initially, alone with him, I veered wildly between fear, gratitude, horror, grief, patience and impatience. I sat, stood or paced around. I did a Wordle, read a Jack Reacher novel, ate a scotch egg. Everything felt a bit wrong. Once the rest of the family were there it felt better. All the above still applied but now a little laughter found its way into the room. And so the moments passed.

And then it happened.

All my life I’d worried about my dad dying. Other close family too, obviously, but mainly my dad. I’ve no idea why. Here I was, around half a century after I first started worrying about this very thing happening. And it had happened. I couldn’t, and can’t, get my head around much at all. About the only thing I am sure of is that 50 years of worrying about it was properly pointless. Because imagining – let’s call it pre-feeling – this pain turned out to be no preparation at all for the real thing.

Peter John Chiles. Born 18 February 1938. Died 9 March 2024.

Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist

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Parents think their kids are doing well in school. More often than not, they're wrong.

LaShanta Mire’s daughter was, at least on paper, thriving at her public school in Fort Worth, Texas. Her grades were good. The then-second grader was ostensibly learning to read and was performing at the level expected of kids her age . 

But the child’s assessments told a different story: She did not yet know how to read. She was missing out on crucial content. She wasn’t performing at grade level. 

Mire, like possibly millions of parents across the U.S., received flawed information about her daughter and her two other school-age children. After realizing there was a mismatch between her perceptions and the realities of how her child was faring academically, the single mother of five took it upon herself to find a parents group to help her navigate school bureaucracies, engage with educators and seek information such as test scores. As soon as she got the information she needed, Mire transferred the three oldest children to new schools last fall. 

Now they’re getting grades that offer a more accurate – if sometimes disappointing – picture of their achievement. “I felt like I was failing my child because the school was failing her,” Mire said of her now-9-year-old daughter. Her new school, she said, “doesn’t just give you (good) grades. … You have to earn them.”

Mire's daughter is among a generation of children who missed lots of class time and lost significant academic ground during the pandemic. Four years after the onset of COVID-19, schools are still struggling to catch kids up. They’re also struggling to get young people to show up. Chronic absenteeism – when students miss at least 10% of the school year – remains rampant and in some cases has gotten worse.

Yet schools aren’t adequately communicating these challenges to families and often, in fact, mistakenly communicate that all is well. Research suggests parents are getting limited, if not inaccurate, messages about their kids’ performance. 

New survey findings , shared exclusively with USA TODAY, underscore the problem: Nearly half of parents say they want better communication from their kids’ schools – especially about attendance.

One-third of parents do not feel well informed about their children’s academic progress and school success, according to the survey from a K-12 communication and data analytics platform called SchoolStatus. The survey among roughly 1,050 parents and caregivers of children 6 to 18 complements separate polls that asked parents about their kids’ performance since the pandemic. The latest findings illustrate the stubborn disconnect between families and schools when experts say it’s crucial they be in sync. 

“It’s crazy that schools have all this data and parents don’t,” said Russ Davis, founder of SchoolStatus. “Parents assume no news is good news” – but that’s seldom the case. 

Distracted students, stressed teachers: What an American school day looks like post-COVID

Amid widespread grade inflation, parents demand better information

Nearly half (45%) of the respondents in the SchoolStatus survey said communication wasn’t frequent enough, and a similar percentage said they didn’t get messages about the importance of attendance until after their kids missed school.

The findings about a gaping disconnect are more glaring given growing evidence that chronic absenteeism can take an immense toll on learning for all students and that proactive communication with parents about their kids’ attendance patterns and the benefits of class time can markedly reduce absences. 

Most parents said they got some updates about their children’s academic progress, but fewer than a quarter said they received information and resources to support learning at home. 

“There’s a real erosion of connection between school and home,” said Kara Stern, the director of education and engagement at SchoolStatus. The survey findings, she said, “can be summed up into one sentence: Parents want to know.” And they want to know not just what their kids’ grades are but also how those students are progressing and where they’re lagging – and how to take action when needed. 

Other research also shows a gap between students’ marks on their report cards and those on standardized assessments. 

Grade inflation is nothing new: Schools have long tended to overstate how well kids are faring, said Eric Hanushek, an economist at Stanford University who studies education. But it has become an especially popular tactic in the COVID-19 era and its aftermath as schools work hard “to say, ‘We’re back up to where we were before,’” he said.

Research conducted by Gallup in partnership with Learning Heroes, a nonprofit that supports family engagement, has shown that nearly 9 in 10 parents believe their children are performing at or above grade level. 

But other measures indicate the rate of students achieving what’s expected for their age group is far lower. Few parents in the Gallup and Learning Heroes survey were aware their children were behind. More than a third of the small percentage who said their kids were below grade level believed their students received mostly Bs or higher. Nearly 2 in 3 parents cited report cards as an important source of information about whether their kids were at grade level.

Parents are desperate for accurate information, no matter how demoralizing. As Mire, the mother who relocated her children, put it, “I just need my babies to do better.”

‘After the fact is too late’

Thomas Kane, a Harvard University scholar researching COVID-19 learning loss, said accurate information also needs to arrive swiftly. Parents should be able to act on that information – by signing their children up for summer school or intensive tutoring, for example – before the resources are no longer available. 

Shareeda Jones, another single mother of five, had an experience similar to Mire's. She also wasn’t informed until recently that her fifth grade daughter was reading at a second grade level. The Washington, D.C., public schooler is doing daily phonics lessons and trying to catch up, but Jones worries she has already lost precious time. She now faces the prospect of being held back. 

Parents such as Jones – a product of Washington's public schools who felt she was pigeonholed into special education – care deeply about ensuring their children are spared any of the educational neglect they experienced.  “A lot of us just don’t understand how to care, don’t know where to look to care,” Jones said. But she said getting the information she needed to intervene after the fact was too late.

Jones managed to find a summer program for her daughter last year but realized a few weeks in that she wasn’t learning much. She has pleaded with the school: “Help me help you all to help my child.”

Kane’s research on pandemic learning has shown that kids in the past school year made up about one-third of their pandemic-era math losses and one-quarter of their reading losses. That, in some ways, was “a remarkable achievement” given that it required learning at a faster pace than normal. But even if students have continued that pace this school year, they still won’t have recovered all their learning when summer comes. The unprecedented infusion of COVID-19 relief funding schools received – which supported massive interventions including summer school and tutoring – expires this fall. 

“We’ve got to get as many students as possible signed up for summer learning, and that means making sure parents are aware their kids are behind grade level,” Kane said. “Somehow, somewhere, the message is not getting through.”

Who’s to blame for the communication gap?

Few, if any, teachers intend to set up students for failure or mislead families. 

The communication mismatch partly stems from the public’s fatigue over pandemic learning losses. Even when they hear about the dire circumstances schools are facing since COVID-19, many parents are inclined to believe the narrative doesn’t apply to their kids. “They see stories about how achievement has gone down and (think), ‘It must be those other guys,’” Hanushek said. Separate research has shown parents often give the nation’s K-12 system mediocre or bad grades but assign high marks to their children’s schools. 

Attending school was hard during COVID Why aren’t kids (or teachers) returning to class?

Beyond that, experts say, systemic challenges are at play. Educators are expected to track, compile and analyze overwhelming amounts of data, often using a patchwork of systems.

“This is not about a failure of teachers,” said SchoolStatus’s Stern. “We’re talking about a failure of systems, about teachers being so overburdened and so overwhelmed and systems being so inefficient that nobody can keep up.”

The SchoolStatus platform, which compiles all kinds of data into one place and sends it in customized messages to parents, is one solution to those systemic failures, she and founder Davis said.

Either way, Hanushek says, families need a wake-up call – and facing this urgent gap would benefit the nation’s economy. One of his studies found that recent achievement declines among students in the COVID-19 generation could result in them earning 6% less in their lifetime than other Americans. 

“The schools are saying, ‘Well, we’re working to get back to where we were, but things are coming along,’” Hanushek said. Such a sanguine approach, he said, often means students don’t get the opportunity to catch up to where they should be. And if that doesn’t happen, “They’re going to be saddled with these losses forever."

Contact Alia Wong at (202) 507-2256 or [email protected]. Follow her on X at @aliaemily.

‘Day from hell’: Parents say their children were treated horribly at early learning center

EVANSVILLE, Ind. ( WFIE /Gray News) - Parents in Indiana say they were horrified to see how their children were being treated at an area learning center.

At the start of the 2023 school year, Evansville-area parents said they were looking forward to sending their children to Culver Early Learning Center.

But that quickly changed after some of their children started behaving differently, WFIE reports.

Victoria Ford said she sent her daughter Scarlett to the learning center.

“She loved going on the bus. She was her normal, happy, singing self,” Ford said.

However, what started as excitement changed to concern when her daughter started acting out.

“My husband and I would sit there and would try to wonder why,” Ford said.

Tara Gore, another mother of a Culver student, said she had a gut feeling that something with her son Brady was off. She said he came home with a bruise on his hand.

“He started collapsing to his knees and having meltdowns he never had before. He was crying, he was just showing signs of depression,” Gore said.

According to Ford, children with autism who are nonverbal have different ways to communicate when they are triggered.

“They may be nonverbal and not be able to communicate verbally, they communicate with behaviors,” Ford said.

Gore told WFIE that she needed to look deeper into what was going on with her son.

“With the America with Disabilities Act a parent of a child with special needs, especially parents with a child that is nonverbal, we have more rights than the average person. So, if we suspect abuse, we have every right to stick a camera on them,” Gore said.

Gore said she decided to take drastic measures to ensure her child was safe. So, a camera that looked like a key fob was attached to her son’s backpack.

“I caught a day from hell,” Gore said. “They were incredibly horribly mean to our children.”

After listening to the audio, Gore said she sent out a message to the parents of the classroom, mentioning that she wanted to connect with them.

Ford said when she saw the message, she knew there was something more to the story.

“I was sent the videos and I stayed up all night, listening, over and over and over again and I was completely devastated. I feel like I let my kid down by sending her to someplace that I was told she would be protected,” Ford said.

Parents Haley and Jeven Keding have a daughter with a rare genetic disorder.

“My daughter I think is the only one in the classroom that has a physical disability, and you can hear her in the audio recording calling her lazy,” Haley Keding said.

Ashley Turner, another parent with a child enrolled at the learning center, said she decided to confront school staff after listening to the audio.

“You don’t just have a rough day like that. It shouldn’t happen at all. You shouldn’t sit there and yell at nonverbal children for crying,” Turner said.

Gore said what was documented on the camera throughout the day was triggering and hated to watch how her son was talked to by his teacher.

The group of parents said they decided to pull their children out of the classroom.

“Sending kids to school in general as parents is scary. And then you add being special needs and nonverbal kids on top of that, it adds a whole new level of fear,” Ford said. “You expect our teachers and administrators to protect our kids and they dropped the ball.”

The parents say their children are now thriving since being removed from the learning center.

Culver Early Learning Center is part of the Evansville Vanderburgh School Corporation.

WFIE reports that EVSC sent the following statement regarding the situation:

“The EVSC is aware of the situation that occurred at one of our early learning centers last fall. We conducted a thorough review of the incident and have taken the necessary actions to rectify the situation. We are not at liberty to provide further comment on any details regarding matters involving students or employees.”

The parents interviewed said they were not satisfied with the school’s response, but also not surprised.

“Our kids are special and they’re perfect and they’re amazing and they didn’t deserve this,” Ford said.

House Bill 1073 would require schools that have the funds to have a recording device in areas of the classroom by July 2025. That bill passed the House of Representatives and is now on its way to the Senate.

Copyright 2024 WFIE via Gray Media Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Ethan Crumbley’s Parents Were Just Part of a Much Bigger Problem

By Elizabeth Spiers

Ms. Spiers, a contributing Opinion writer, is a journalist and digital media strategist.

James and Jennifer Crumbley never anticipated that their then-15-year-old son, Ethan, would use the 9-millimeter Sig Sauer handgun Mr. Crumbley had bought — ostensibly as an early Christmas present — to kill four students at a Michigan high school. At least that’s the argument their lawyers made in court before Ms. Crumbley, last month, and Mr. Crumbley, almost two weeks ago, were convicted of involuntary manslaughter in separate trials. Prosecutors argued that the Crumbleys did not do enough to secure the gun and ignored warning signs that Ethan was planning to use it.

After every mass shooting by a teenager at a school, there is an instinct to look to the shooter’s parents to understand what went wrong. In the case of the Crumbleys, this seems obvious: Ethan left disturbing journal entries fantasizing about shooting up the school, and stating that he had asked his parents for help with his mental health issues but didn’t get it. His father said the family had a gun safe but the safe’s combination was the default factory setting, 0-0-0.

One factor that’s gotten less attention, however, is how the Crumbleys’ attitudes and actions reflect an increasingly insidious gun culture that treats guns as instruments of defiance and rebellion rather than as a means of last resort.

I’ve been thinking about this case a lot because I grew up in the 1980s and ’90s in a rural part of the Deep South where almost everyone I knew had guns in the house, unsecured, and mental illness was stigmatized and often went untreated. Church was considered a superior venue for counseling, and only “crazy” people sought professional help. If the evidence for criminal negligence is a failure to lock up a gun and ignoring signs of mental illness, many of the adults I grew up around would have been (and still would be) vulnerable to the same charges as the Crumbleys.

It’s convenient and comforting for many people to believe that if it had been their child, they’d have prevented this tragedy. But prison visiting rooms are full of good, diligent parents who never thought their kid would be capable of landing there.

My parents didn’t own a gun safe, but kept guns hidden away from us, which, like many gun owners at the time, they thought of as “secured.” The men in my family were all hunters and the guns they kept were hunting rifles, not AR-15s. (You can’t feed a family with deer meat that’s been blown to bits.) I knew my parents kept a handgun, too, but it was never shown to us, or treated as a shiny new toy.

Gun culture was different then. It would have never occurred to my parents to acquire an entire arsenal of guns and display them prominently around the house, as some people now do, or ludicrously suggest that Jesus Christ would have carried one . They did not, as more than a few Republican politicians have done, send out Christmas photos of their children posing with weapons designed explicitly to kill people at an age when those children likely still believed Santa existed. Open carry was legal, but if you were to walk into the local barbecue joint with a semiautomatic rifle on your back emblazoned with fake military insignia, people would think you were creepy and potentially dangerous, not an exemplar of masculinity and patriotism.

All of these things happen now with regularity, and they’re considered normal by gun owners who believe that any kind of control infringes on their Second Amendment rights. Children are introduced at a young age to guns like the Sig Sauer that Ethan Crumbley used. They’re taught to view guns as emblematic of freedom and the right to self-defense — two concepts that have been expanded to include whatever might justify unlimited accumulation of weapons.

“Freedom” is short for not being told what to do, even though the law very much dictates how and when guns should be used. “Self-defense” is often talked about as a justifiable precaution in the event of home invasion, though home invasions are as rare as four-leaf clovers and do not require an arsenal unless the invader is a small army. (It’s also worth noting that basic home security systems are far less expensive than many popular guns, which suggests that at the very least, some gun owners may be intentionally opting for the most violent potential scenario.) Most important, too many children are taught that guns confer power and can and should be used to intimidate other people. (Relatedly, any time I write about gun control, at least one gun owner emails to say he’d love to shoot me, which is not exactly evidence of responsible gun ownership.)

Mass shooters often begin with a grievance — toward certain populations, individuals they feel wronged by, society at large — and escalate their behavior from fantasizing about violence to planning actual attacks. A study from 2019 suggests that feeling inadequate may make gun owners more inclined toward violence. In the study, gun owners were given a task to perform and then told that they failed it. Later they were asked a number of questions, including whether they would be willing to kill someone who broke into their home, even if the intruder was leaving. “We found that the experience of failure increased participants’ view of guns as a means of empowerment,” wrote one researcher , “and enhanced their readiness to shoot and kill a home intruder.”

The study hypothesized that these gun owners “may be seeking a compensatory means to interact more effectively with their environment.”

Good parents model healthy interactions all the time. If their kids are struggling with a sense of inferiority or are having trouble dealing with failure, we teach them self-confidence and resilience. Parents who treat guns as a mechanism for feeling more significant and powerful are modeling an extremely dangerous way to interact with their environment.

What’s particularly hypocritical here is that the most strident defenders of this culture skew conservative and talk a lot about what isn’t appropriate for children and teenagers. What they think is inappropriate often includes educating kids about sex, about the fact that some people are gay or transsexual and about racism. It’s a perverse state of affairs: Exposing children to simple facts is dangerous, but exposing them to machines designed to kill is not. You can’t get your driver’s license until you’re a teenager, or buy cigarettes and alcohol until you’re 21, but much earlier than that, kids can, with adult supervision, legally learn how to end someone’s life.

Parents can’t ensure that their child won’t ever feel inferior or disempowered, or even in some cases become delusional or filled with rage. Teenagers do things that their parents would never anticipate every day, even if they’re close and communicative. Some develop serious drug habits or become radicalized into extremism or take their own lives.

One thing parents can ensure is that their children cannot get access to a gun in their house. The only foolproof way to do that is to ensure that there’s no gun in the house to begin with. Barring that, parents can make sure they are not reinforcing a toxic gun culture that says that displaying and threatening to use lethal machines is a reasonable way to deal with anger or adversity. That message makes the idea of killing someone seem almost ordinary.

That doesn’t prevent school shooters; it primes them.

Elizabeth Spiers, a contributing Opinion writer, is a journalist and digital media strategist.

Source photographs by CSA-Printstock and John Storey, via Getty Images.

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