erich fromm the art of loving essay

The Power of Love Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving

By Andreas Matthias

In his book “The Art of Loving” (1956) the psychoanalyst and philosopher Erich Fromm (1900-1980) discusses how love is often wrongly perceived as the passive “falling in love.” For Fromm, love is mainly a decision to love, to become a loving person. Through examination of the concepts of father’s love, mother’s love, God’s love and erotic love, Fromm argues that we need to change the way we see love in order to reach happier and more fulfilling relationships with others.

This article is part of The Ultimate Guide to the Philosophy of Erich Fromm.

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Is love an art?

Erich Fromm found his biggest popular success with a book about love. In “The Art of Loving,” he makes the case that love is often misunderstood as this romantic notion, often seen in movies, of people “falling in love,” of love being something that happens to us without us being able to resist or control the experience. Rather, Fromm says, love is an art . Like any other art, it is something that we have to learn to do: we have to learn and practice love just like we have to learn and practice drawing or playing the piano.

Erich Fromm’s “The Art of Loving” has been a classic in the philosophy and psychology of love since it was first published in 1956. It’s a highly readable, provocative and insightful book that might just change the way you look at love. Amazon affiliate link. If you buy through this link, Daily Philosophy will get a small commission at no cost to you. Thanks!

You can hear the echoes of Aristotle in this. For Aristotle, our whole life is an “art,” in the sense that we constantly have to practice and refine our virtues and our phronesis in order to achieve success and happiness.

Love and responsibility

So just like Aristotle would say that happiness is not just something that “happens,” Fromm would maintain that the same is true of love. If we see love as something that randomly happens to us, we lose the feeling of being responsible for our loves. We could then fall “out of love” as easily as we “fell in love”.

For Fromm, this is a total misunderstanding of what love is about, in the same way as saying that happiness is nothing but the enjoyment of pleasures is a misunderstanding of what happiness is really about.

For Fromm, love is a particular way of relating to others, and my ways of relating to others are in my control, at least potentially. In our (modern, Western) culture, Fromm says, we often think that love is outside of our control, and our languages seem to support this view. We talk of the arrows of Cupid, or love hitting us like…

Here I googled “love hit me like” and this is what Google gave back as suggestions: like a train, like a freight train, like a ten-pound hammer, like a hurricane. Violent metaphors: the lover is powerless, a victim, hit by forces far too powerful to even contemplate resisting.

Aristotle’s theory of happiness rests on three concepts: (1) the virtues; (2) phronesis or practical wisdom; and (3) eudaimonia or flourishing.

But this view also has an opposite side: when our love does not feel like a freight train hitting us, is it therefore less of a love? Do we need to have loves that are like hurricanes and ten-pound hammers, and are we wasting our time with the wrong person if love doesn’t hit us like a truck?

Fromm cautions against both views. Giving up the responsibility that we have for the success of our relationships to others is not a good idea, he says. Grown-up, psychologically well-adjusted persons are those who are in control of their relationships, who understand that human relations need effort and work and that they don’t “just happen”.

In fact, it’s a childish, infantile expectation to be given unconditional love for no good reason and without one’s own contribution. It is what happens to us when we are small and when we experience the love of our mothers: a love that is indeed unconditional and accepting, and for which we don’t need to do anything to deserve it.

But for Fromm, the psychologist, it is obvious that staying in that infantile stage regarding our emotions is wrong. As we grow up we realise that we do have to take responsibility for our relations to others – and that we have to earn our friendships and loves with our own behaviour towards those we befriend and love.

Father’s, mother’s and God’s love

According to Fromm, this is a process that begins with the father, whose love is not unconditional (like that of the mother) but dependent on good manners, good grades in school, helpfulness, intelligence and many other contingent properties of our character and behaviour. It is also, Fromm thinks, no accident that our Christian God is thought of as God the Father, rather than God the Mother.

As feminists have often pointed out, the Christian God is asexual and we should therefore be equally justified in seeing Him/Her as a mother as much as a father. But, Fromm says, there is indeed something specifically “fatherly” about God and that is the conditional character of God’s love. Like with any father’s love, we have to earn God’s love with our behaviour: by abstaining from sin, by obeying His commands, by having the right thoughts and motivations, by being good members of His church.

The Bible contains ample evidence for what we can expect to happen if we don’t prove to be good children to God the father: from being turned into a pillar of salt, or being drowned in a world-wide flood, to being burned alive as fire rains from the heavens, destroying whole cities. The wrathful God, the God of vengeance: this is a father figure, according to Fromm, and the reason that we perceive God as male. The motherly character of God, the unconditionally loving and forgiving, is more often associated with the Virgin Mary (The Art of Loving, Harper Perennial Classics Edition, 2000, pp.60-63)

The Happier Society. Erich Fromm and the Frankfurt School. In this book, philosophy professor, popular author and editor of the Daily Philosophy web magazine, Dr Andreas Matthias takes the reader on a tour, looking at how society influences our happiness. Following Erich Fromm, the Frankfurt School, Aldous Huxley and other thinkers, we go in search of wisdom and guidance on how we can live better, happier and more satisfying lives today. This is an edited and expanded version of the articles published on tis site. Get it now! Click here!

Love as conscious effort

Fromm writes:

[Erotic love] is often confused with the explosive experience of “falling” in love, the sudden collapse of the barriers which existed until that moment between two strangers. But, as was pointed out before, this experience of sudden intimacy is by its very nature short-lived. After the stranger has become an intimately known person there are no more barriers to be overcome, there is no more sudden closeness to be achieved. The “loved” person becomes as well known as oneself. (p.49)

But for Fromm, the will is crucial for true love:

To love somebody is not just a strong feeling – it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go (…) (p.52)

Perhaps surprisingly, therefore, Fromm sees more potential for true love in arranged marriages than in relationships that are based on the spontaneous feeling of “falling” in love. In contrast to “romantic” love, an arranged relationship already begins without the assumption that there needs to be something that hits one like a freight train – and therefore, the absence of such a feeling is not perceived as a deficit. Rather, the partners in an arranged relationship are fully conscious of the need to actively begin loving each other, since otherwise they will probably have to lead unhappy lives together. In this way, love becomes, from the very beginning, a clear-headed commitment, a judgement, a promise (as Fromm says in the quote above). And this is the reason why such marriages often end up being surprisingly successful.

Robert Sternberg thinks that we can best describe love as composed of three “primary” components that combine to produce all the kinds of love that we observe around us: intimacy, passion and decision or commitment.

Are arranged marriages happier?

Indeed, research seems to suggest that Fromm is right. An article by Applbaum (1995; references at the end of this post) describes arranged marriage in modern, metropolitan Japan. According to that article, 25-30 percent of all marriages in Japan are arranged marriages. In an arranged marriage, the social status of the partners is more similar than in love marriages. Also, the families have a much stronger involvement in the process of finding a suitable partner. (Applbaum, p.39)

Myers et al 2005 quotes research by Yelsma and Athappilly (1988), who studied marriage satisfaction of 28 Indian couples in arranged marriages, 25 Indian couples in “love” marriages (marriages of choice), and 31 American couples in companionate marriages (“companionate marriage” is a marriage where the partners agree to not have children and to divorce if both want to.)

They found that persons in arranged marriages had higher marital satisfaction scores than either the love-married persons in India or the companionate-married persons in the United States. Husbands and wives in arranged marriages were more satisfied with their marital relationships than were the husbands and wives in the U.S. sample.

“Thus, the present findings suggest that contrary to Western beliefs, it is possible that men and women in arranged marriages can be happy and satisfied.” (Myers, p.187)

Leza Kazemi Mohammadi (2019) quotes research by Pryor (2014), who highlighted how arranged marriages experienced a lower level of divorce. Allendorf and Ghimire (2013) found that arranged marriages are typically more stable than love marriages. And wives in love marriages experience a higher level of dissatisfaction in their relationships than that of their arranged marriage counterparts. (Ng, Loy, Gudmunson, and Cheong, 2009).

How to apply The Art of Loving to our own lives

To apply Fromm’s ideas, let’s look at our relationships from a different perspective. Many of us, particularly those who are of a more advanced age, will have made the experience that one cannot stay in the state of “falling in love” forever. There is a point in every relationship, after the initial excitement is gone, where one must consciously decide to have a relationship with that particular person and to work towards creating and deepening this relationship.

But we don’t always recognise that the conscious control we have over love extends not only to whom we love but also to whom we choose to resist. Falling inappropriately in love with one’s student, colleague or babysitter makes for interesting novels, but Fromm would not let this spontaneous lust serve as an excuse to endanger a long-term relationship.

And for the young, who have not yet found a suitable partner, Fromm’s view of love provides a better option than just waiting around for the freight train to hit. One must realise that our relationships, Fromm maintains, are the consequence of our choices and actions – and that therefore, instead of passively waiting for love to hit, one can go out and make the commitment to become a loving person. As with the modes of having and being , the switch from being the passive recipient of love (as we are initially as infants) to being the active giver of love is a fundamental change in the way we view life, a stage in a life-long process of growing up towards personal integrity, freedom and responsibility as adults who have the means to consciously work towards securing their happiness in life.

Book summary: Main themes in Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving

Understanding the concept of love.

Love is a concept that has puzzled humanity for centuries. Fromm begins by challenging conventional notions of love, arguing that it is not simply a feeling or an emotion, but rather an art that requires knowledge, effort, and dedication. He believes that love is an active practice, an ongoing commitment to understanding and nurturing the relationships in our lives.

Fromm draws on psychological and philosophical perspectives to shed light on the multifaceted nature of love. He explores the various dimensions of love, including self-love, brotherly love, erotic love, and the connection between love and freedom. Through his analysis, Fromm demonstrates that love is not limited to romantic relationships but encompasses a broader spectrum of human connections.

The four elements of love according to Fromm

Fromm proposes four essential elements that form the foundation of love: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge.

Care , he argues, is the fundamental attitude of love, as it involves actively nurturing and supporting the well-being of the other person.

Responsibility emphasizes the need to take ownership of our actions and choices in love, recognizing that love requires effort and commitment.

Respect plays a crucial role in Fromm’s concept of love, as it entails treating others as autonomous individuals, acknowledging their unique needs and desires. And finally,

Knowledge refers to the deep understanding and awareness of the other person, allowing us to connect on a profound level. Fromm’s four elements of love provide a comprehensive framework for cultivating and sustaining meaningful relationships.

The role of self-love in the art of loving

Fromm emphasizes the importance of self-love as a prerequisite for healthy relationships. He argues that unless we love ourselves, we cannot fully love others. Self-love involves accepting and appreciating ourselves, embracing both our strengths and weaknesses. It requires self-awareness and the willingness to prioritize our own well-being.

Fromm cautions against narcissism, highlighting the distinction between healthy self-love and selfishness. He encourages us to cultivate a deep sense of self-worth and compassion, recognizing that we are deserving of love and capable of giving it to others. By developing a strong foundation of self-love, we can approach relationships from a place of wholeness and contribute to their growth and fulfillment.

Fromm’s perspective on the challenges of modern love

Fromm aptly addresses the challenges that modern society poses to the art of loving. He argues that the commodification of love, fueled by consumerism and superficiality, has distorted our understanding of authentic connections.

In a world driven by instant gratification and shallow relationships, Fromm urges us to resist the allure of superficial love and strive for deeper, more meaningful connections.

Moreover, he explores the impact of societal structures and cultural norms on our ability to love. Fromm contends that capitalism, for instance, perpetuates a sense of isolation and competition, hindering our capacity for genuine love. By shedding light on these societal challenges, Fromm invites us to question and transcend the limiting beliefs that hinder our ability to love authentically.

Practical tips for cultivating love in everyday life

Fromm recognizes that love is not merely an abstract concept but a daily practice. He offers practical tips and suggestions for cultivating love in our everyday lives. These include fostering open communication, practicing empathy and active listening, and prioritizing quality time with our loved ones.

Fromm also emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and personal growth in the art of loving. By continuously examining our own beliefs and behaviors, we can identify areas for improvement and work towards becoming more loving individuals. Fromm’s practical guidance serves as a roadmap for nurturing love in all its forms.

Critiques and controversies surrounding “The Art of Loving”

As with any influential work, “The Art of Loving” has not been without its share of critiques and controversies. Some argue that Fromm’s emphasis on self-love neglects the importance of sacrifice and compromise in relationships.

Others question the universal applicability of Fromm’s concepts, suggesting that cultural and contextual factors may shape our understanding and experience of love.

Still, Fromm’s teachings have resonated with readers worldwide, influencing popular culture and societal attitudes towards love. His emphasis on authentic connections and the transformative power of love has served as a catalyst for personal growth and introspection, empowering individuals to cultivate more meaningful relationships.

Return to The Ultimate Guide to the Philosophy of Erich Fromm.

Here are the papers mentioned in the text. They are all freely available through Google Scholar on the Internet:

Applbaum, K. D. (1995). Marriage with the proper stranger: Arranged marriage in metropolitan Japan. Ethnology, 34(1), 37-51.

Leza Kazemi Mohammadi (2019). The Levels Of Satisfaction Between Love And Arranged Marriages: A Comparative Study. Dissertation. Texas Women’s University. Available online.

Madathil, J., & Benshoff, J. M. (2008). Importance of marital characteristics and marital satisfaction: A comparison of Asian Indians in arranged marriages and Americans in marriages of choice. The Family Journal, 16(3), 222-230.

Myers, J. E., Madathil, J., & Tingle, L. R. (2005). Marriage satisfaction and wellness in India and the United States: A preliminary comparison of arranged marriages and marriages of choice. Journal of Counseling & Development, 83(2), 183-190.

Homepage: andreasmatthias.com
Amazon author page.
Google Scholar entry .

Andreas Matthias on Daily Philosophy:

The Paradox of Fiction. Why are we scared by things that don’t exist?
The Most Hated Philosopher: Spinoza on God. Philosophy in Quotes
Plato’s Symposium - Part 1. An introduction
Erich Fromm on the Psychology of Capitalism. Our world is turning us into mass products. We should resist
To Have Or to Be. Erich Fromm on two different ways of living one’s life
Aldous Huxley’s “Island”. An even braver new world?

Cover photo by Ryan Quintal on Unsplash.

Philosopher Erich Fromm on the Art of Loving and What Is Keeping Us from Mastering It

By maria popova.

That’s what the great German social psychologist, psychoanalyst, and philosopher Erich Fromm (March 23, 1900–March 18, 1980) examines in his 1956 masterwork The Art of Loving ( public library ) — a case for love as a skill to be honed the way artists apprentice themselves to the work on the way to mastery, demanding of its practitioner both knowledge and effort.

Fromm writes:

This book … wants to show that love is not a sentiment which can be easily indulged in by anyone, regardless of the level of maturity reached by him. It wants to convince the reader that all his attempts for love are bound to fail, unless he tries most actively to develop his total personality, so as to achieve a productive orientation; that satisfaction in individual love cannot be attained without the capacity to love one’s neighbor, without true humility, courage, faith and discipline. In a culture in which these qualities are rare, the attainment of the capacity to love must remain a rare achievement.

Fromm considers our warped perception of love’s necessary yin-yang:

Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved , rather than that of loving , of one’s capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable. […] People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love — or to be loved by — is difficult. This attitude has several reasons rooted in the development of modern society. One reason is the great change which occurred in the twentieth century with respect to the choice of a “love object.”

Our fixation on the choice of “love object,” Fromm argues, has seeded a kind of “confusion between the initial experience of ‘falling’ in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, of ‘standing’ in love” — something Stendhal addressed more than a century earlier in his theory of love’s “crystallization.” Fromm considers the peril of mistaking the spark for the substance:

If two people who have been strangers, as all of us are, suddenly let the wall between them break down, and feel close, feel one, this moment of oneness is one of the most exhilarating, most exciting experiences in life. It is all the more wonderful and miraculous for persons who have been shut off, isolated, without love. This miracle of sudden intimacy is often facilitated if it is combined with, or initiated by, sexual attraction and consummation. However, this type of love is by its very nature not lasting. The two persons become well acquainted, their intimacy loses more and more its miraculous character, until their antagonism, their disappointments, their mutual boredom kill whatever is left of the initial excitement. Yet, in the beginning they do not know all this: in fact, they take the intensity of the infatuation, this being “crazy” about each other, for proof of the intensity of their love, while it may only prove the degree of their preceding loneliness. […] There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love.

The only way to abate this track record of failure, Fromm argues, is to examine the underlying reasons for the disconnect between our beliefs about love and its actual machinery — which must include a recognition of love as an informed practice rather than an unmerited grace. Fromm writes:

The first step to take is to become aware that love is an art, just as living is an art; if we want to learn how to love we must proceed in the same way we have to proceed if we want to learn any other art, say music, painting, carpentry, or the art of medicine or engineering. What are the necessary steps in learning any art? The process of learning an art can be divided conveniently into two parts: one, the mastery of the theory; the other, the mastery of the practice. If I want to learn the art of medicine, I must first know the facts about the human body, and about various diseases. When I have all this theoretical knowledge, I am by no means competent in the art of medicine. I shall become a master in this art only after a great deal of practice, until eventually the results of my theoretical knowledge and the results of my practice are blended into one — my intuition, the essence of the mastery of any art. But, aside from learning the theory and practice, there is a third factor necessary to becoming a master in any art — the mastery of the art must be a matter of ultimate concern; there must be nothing else in the world more important than the art. This holds true for music, for medicine, for carpentry — and for love. And, maybe, here lies the answer to the question of why people in our culture try so rarely to learn this art, in spite of their obvious failures: in spite of the deep-seated craving for love, almost everything else is considered to be more important than love: success, prestige, money, power — almost all our energy is used for the learning of how to achieve these aims, and almost none to learn the art of loving.

In the remainder of the enduringly excellent The Art of Loving , Fromm goes on to explore the misconceptions and cultural falsehoods keeping us from mastering this supreme human skill, outlining both its theory and its practice with extraordinary insight into the complexities of the human heart. Complement it with French philosopher Alain Badiou on why we fall and stay in love and Mary Oliver on love’s necessary madnesses , then explore more of Fromm’s visionary work on love not only as a romantic experience but as a social catalyst of collective sanity.

— Published October 29, 2015 — https://www.themarginalian.org/2015/10/29/the-art-of-loving-erich-fromm/ —

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Literature and Psychology

The Art of Loving According to Erich Fromm

The Art of Loving: Erich Fromm’s Exploration of the Nature of Love

Do you want to understand the nature of love? Erich Fromm’s book The Art of Loving provides a deep exploration into the science and practice of love.

Is it hard to love? Can love be learned, and how? When do we truly love, and when do we indulge our ego? How should a child be treated so they grow up with a mature personality capable of loving? When does love only make us stronger without destroying or suppressing our personality?

Answers to these important questions can be found in the book The Art of Loving by the German psychoanalyst and philosopher Erich Fromm.

Although these are not the only issues Fromm is devoted to in his research, his theory of love deserves special attention, as it covers all aspects of this phenomenon: love for parents, a person of the opposite sex, oneself, and life.

How and Why Did The Art of Loving Get Written?

The 1950s were a period when the Second World War had ended relatively recently. Everything was developing, changing, and progressing. The era of capitalism was reaching its peak. As a result, the institution of the family also changed.

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In the 19th century, when creating a family, the leading motive was respect and social status. However, in the 1950s, mores changed. Sigmund Freud’s theory of the unconscious fundamentally turned the old manifestations of love upside down. And Erich Fromm’s development of Freud’s ideas was a logical conclusion.

In 1956, Erich Fromm created the work The Art of Loving . In this work, Fromm introduces readers not only to his theory of love but also touches on the opinions of other psychologists and thinkers. He does not agree with Freud, noting that human nature is man’s passion, and their anxieties are the product of culture. Thus, the reader looks at the topic of love from different positions and can pick the opinion they find closest to their heart.

According to the author, love is an art just like music and painting. Love, like any other activity, needs to be learned . It must be a conscious process. Like any business, love requires not only the theoretical assimilation of knowledge but also practice.

Love requires constant work on oneself and self-giving. Only by fully liberating thoughts and feelings can a person truly love. The Art of Loving is a seminal work that will break down the notions of love that films, novels, and the media have molded.

What Is the Secret of The Art of Loving?

Reading The Art of Loving will bring disappointment to anyone who expects accessible instruction in the art of love, Fromm warns on the first pages of his work. There is no clear guidance here, like in textbooks. This work does not leave one with no further questions.

But this is the book that will lead the reader, after careful studying, to be able to answer the questions asked. The secret of The Art of Loving is that after reading it, every person will discover something new, until now unknown. And this “newness” will bring practical changes into their life, helping them find harmony and happiness.

This book, in addition to theoretical foundations, contains the author’s personal opinion on how people should love. Fromm believes that only by getting rid of all illusions and prejudices will a person be able to give themselves to another in love.

Erich Fromm’s work goes beyond the scope of psychology, and it is much deeper than just providing knowledge about how to love someone. The author speaks of love itself — its meaning, essence, and forms. He also touches on the importance of parental love for a child’s development. The Art of Loving is something more than just a scientific work. It is an open letter to all in which the philosopher’s thoughts are hidden.

To Love or to Be Loved

Fromm differentiated the ability to love into two categories: to love and to be loved. Moreover, he called the first category a healthy love and the second is an unhealthy love. Wanting to love is a trait of a mature and healthy personality. On the other hand, wanting to be loved is a trait of an immature and unhealthy personality.

In addition, the psychologist named two more differences between mature love and immature love:

“I love because I am loved” is immature, infantile love. “I am loved because I love” is mature love.
“I love you because I need you” is the motto of immature love. Its confession sounds like “I need you.” “I need you because I love you” declares healthy and mature love.

Immature love, or symbiotic union, as Fromm called it, the author divided into two more types:

Masochism. It is a passive form of unhealthy love, in which one of the participants cannot stand loneliness and isolation, allowing the other participant to control them completely. The controller guides and protects. The masochist overestimates another person’s power and makes them the center of their life.
Sadism. The sadist also tries to get away from loneliness and solitude. He also tries to build a relationship, but in an active way. The sadist wants to dominate and control the other person and, as a result, satisfy their own ego.

So, The Art of Loving is not just a book about love but a whole source of knowledge on becoming an adult, mature and self-sufficient person. It is a sincere guide to understanding the essence of love, its purpose, and its place in our lives. Furthermore, it helps to distinguish between immature, unhealthy relationships and real, healthy love.

Types of Love Proposed by Erich Fromm

Fromm believed that love is an attitude, an orientation of a person. The objects of love can be different, based on which Fromm proposed a classification of types of love :

Brotherly love. It is the basis of any other kind of love. Brotherly love consists of care, responsibility, respect, understanding, and acceptance of another living being and the desire to prolong his life. It is equal love and can be directed at several objects at once.
Motherly love. It is unconditional love for a helpless being. It is based on the idea that a person must provide comfort and safety for another living thing and protect them from danger. It can be the love of a mother for her child and the love of adults for each other.
Erotic love. This type of love is directed at only one object. Its basis is unity and complete merging with one person. It is a form of preferred love.
Self-love. To love other people and love them equally, a person needs to love themself. In this case, we are not talking about selfishness. On the contrary, egoist does not love anyone, including themselves.
Love for God. The basis of this type of life is the need for unity and belonging. Fromm understood the love for God as the individual’s self-development, the search for oneself, and the path from unconditional love to conscious choice.

In addition to these types, Fromm was the first to distinguish between paternal and maternal love . He called his mother’s love unconditional. The mother loves the child for its mere existence. But a father’s love must be earned. Fathers love children because they meet their expectations, are like them, meet the requirements, and fulfill their duties.

The task of each individual is to develop as a person and unite paternal and maternal love within oneself into one consistent ability to love. A mature person unconditionally loves oneself and simultaneously loves conditionally for what meets their expectations.

The Practice of Love

What does practicing love really involve? The Art of Loving isn’t going to provide readers with quick fixes or ways to begin loving instantly. On the contrary, Fromm believes it is a unique and personal experience one can only have alone.

In pursuit of immature love, people rely on external attractiveness, wealth, and prestige. Men often focus on luck and wealth, and women – on appearance and beauty (figure, clothes).

But what about healthy and mature love? How do we achieve it? According to Fromm, becoming a master of loving requires discipline and hard work. One must focus on every area of life and be patient as one strives for success.

These are the ways in which we can develop and practice mature love:

Practicing Discipline: The first step towards mastering the art of love is to practice discipline. It involves actively working on oneself, developing empathy and self-awareness, and learning to recognize one’s own emotional needs.
Developing Concentration: Concentration is important as it helps to focus one’s attention and exclude distracting factors. Concentrating on the present moment, one can improve their ability to empathize and recognize the needs of others.
Developing Patience: Fromm believed that patience is the key to mastering the art of love as it helps to appreciate the process of developing feelings for another person instead of expecting them to develop suddenly or instantly.
Practicing Self-Awareness: Finally, the most important factor in mastering the art of love is self-awareness. By being more aware of one’s own emotions, needs, and desires, one can better understand the needs of others and foster a sense of connection.

These are the steps that Fromm believed would lead to true and mature love.

So What Is Love According to Erich Fromm?

Love is not only an interest in the life and development of the object of love but also an interest in one’s own development, endless knowledge of oneself and the object of love. According to Fromm, love is not a sentimental feeling available to everyone. Instead, love results from conscious work on oneself, and is an indicator of personal maturity.

A person who knows how to love can get along with any person because they constantly know themselves and others and know how to overcome internal barriers. The desire and ability to love are more important and stronger than having an object of love.

The ability to love is a feature of mature and adult personalities. We are talking about the ability to take responsibility, make a conscious choice and be responsible for its consequences, be open to new things, learn, change your life, and change yourself to realize personal abilities and opportunities.

Now, recall what people usually call love, how they behave, and how they confess their love. For a vivid example, remember teenage love or infantile couples in which jealousy, total control, and suppression prevail. So, is it love after all?

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Erich Fromm's "The Art of Loving": An Exploration

During the 19th century, Victor Hugo proclaimed, "Life is the flower for which love is the honey." This timeless sentiment sets the stage for exploring love, which has perpetually fascinated humanity. It is a concept that has inspired epics, poems, and movies and has even led people to sacrifice their lives in its pursuit. For some, love represents a goal that promises happiness when attained, while for others, it embodies the pain endured in its absence. However, for some, love remains a hopeful aspiration. But what if love is not merely the immediate feeling of encountering someone who captivates us, as it is often depicted in languages and cultures? What if the fairy tale of finding the perfect Prince Charming is a romantic myth? What if much of what we have come to understand about love is fundamentally flawed, and love is not just a fleeting emotion reserved for the fortunate few? What if love is, in fact, a phenomenon that we can only truly grasp after we undergo personal growth and attain a level of maturity? Could it be a talent or skill that some possess innately while others must learn it? In his book The Art of Loving , Erich Fromm delves into the complexity of love, dissecting its various layers and examining the components that influence it. Fromm provides detailed explanations that encourage us to contemplate these profound questions.

Before we proceed with the book review, we must familiarize ourselves with the author, Erich Fromm. According to Burston (1991), Erich Fromm is an American psychoanalyst, philosopher, and sociologist born in Germany in the 1900s. Fromm is one of the world's most remarkable representatives of the Marxist-socialist and humanistic approaches to psychology (Burston, 1991). Although Karl Marx and Sigmund Freud are two people he was greatly influenced by, the book is not pessimistic to the reader; on the contrary, it speaks from a humanist point of view (Burston, 1991). Fromm, who occasionally sent criticism to Freud, saw humans as beings with the potential for self-development (Burston, 1991). Funk (2000) reveals that in his book Erich Fromm: His Life and Ideas, An Illustrated Biography Fromm said that the First World War, which coincided with his youth, was the most important event that affected his life (Funk, 2000). During this period, he became acquainted with nationalism, hatred, and separation; Fromm observed how values and principles were trampled underfoot (Funk, 2000). Despite this, it is still thought-provoking for readers to discuss hope and love.

Erich Fromm emphasizes that with the change of social life order in contemporary Western societies, the meaning and value given to love becomes superficial. However, this feeling must be considered, which is very important and indispensable for human essence and existence. Fromm touches upon the values people have lost in the order of life in capitalist societies and explains the importance and structure of love. According to Fromm (1956):

Love can arise when the essence of their being connects two people; therefore, each recognizes themselves from the essence of their being. Human reality, vitality, and the foundation of love lie in this life of "self-knowledge." Love experienced this way is a constant challenge, not a resting place, but forming, growing, and working together. (p. 98)

Based on the definition of love here, we can see how much effort it takes to put this action into practice in our society and the age of consumption. In contemporary society, the way individuals perceive, interpret, and include love in their lives is often in a position open and sensitive to external manipulations.

People think it is easy to love; the real challenge is to find something to love or be loved. Many reasons for this attitude lie in the development history of contemporary society. Our culture is entirely built on the hunger to buy, on a shopping understanding in which both the buyer and the giver enter willingly. People of our age can be happy by looking at shop windows and buying everything they can afford, whether in cash or installments. People in our age look at other people in the same way. In a culture that revolves around shopping and where material values are the supreme values, it is not surprising that human relations are also managed according to the methods prevailing in the property and labor market. One is a 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. worker, part of the workforce, or part of the governing army of clerks and directors. They can choose very few things according to their own will. The regulations of the job determine their duties, and there is not much difference between those who work at the top level and those who do small jobs. They all carry out the tasks determined by the regulation at an agreed speed, on the agreed path. Even the emotions are bespoke: joy, understanding, trust, and getting along without conflict with anyone. Even the entertainment order is predetermined, if not in such compelling ways. Everything is lined up and predetermined from birth to death, from Monday to Monday, from morning to evening. (Fromm, 1956, p. 12,24)

The concept of "automaton" is frequently used during explanations. As can be understood from the root of the word, here, a reference is made to the automatic behavior patterns of the human being, away from consciousness and will, without questioning and dictated by the order.

Contemporary human is alienated from other people and nature. Human relations are those of disconnected automatons; Each of these automatons finds its security by staying connected to the herd and not being separated from the others in thought, emotion, and action. While everyone tries to be as close as possible to others, everyone is in hopeless solitude. They sink into intense insecurity, restlessness, and guilt that they cannot escape unless their loneliness is eliminated. There are innumerable distracting things in our civilization that can distract people from this consciousness: First of all, the tightly managed mechanical order of work prevents these people from becoming conscious of their most basic human aspirations, their desire for self-transcendence, for unity. Automata cannot love. (Fromm, 1956, p. 83)

Aldous Huxley (1932) addresses this issue in his dystopian novel Brave New World:

People's happiness today is having fun. Having fun brings the satisfaction of swallowing and taking. Beautiful things, places, food, drink, people, conferences, books, and movies are all swallowed. The world is a big apple and bottle to feed our hunger. We constantly expect something, hope for something, and are constantly disappointed. Our personality is built on receiving, exchanging, and consuming; everything, spiritual or objective, is an object to be exchanged and used. (Huxley, 1932, p. 84)

Fromm (1956) also expresses the change in the principles of today's people as follows:

The day is spent working towards financial comfort and success in the personality market. The principles on which our efforts with the world are based are indifference and unconsciousness. The latter is often called individualism or personal entrepreneurial power. (Fromm, 1956, p. 99)

On the other hand, even though it is subject to criticism, this order and the position of people in the order, the power to change it and take action is still within the individual. Human is above everything with their essence of creation and their mind. They know their own life, other people, past, future, death, and time are limited. It is unacceptable to be created with this level of awareness, to not use the skills of questioning in an orderly manner, and not be aware of it in a way that would make the essence of its existence sterile. This is where Fromm also criticizes and tries to create awareness in the individual. For this reason, he says that for this action to be put into practice, it is necessary to accept that loving is an art. Just as some conditions are required to succeed in an art branch, we also need to have a point of view to learn to love. The two basic ways to be successful in any branch of art are given as follows:

1. Grasping the theory

2. Get into practice

The book mentions how the various forms of love, such as maternal love, brotherly love, romantic love, self-love, and love for a higher power like God, shape the concept of love we experience from our parents since birth and how these different types of love evolve. It focuses on the formal and emotional differences of types of love. Fromm (1956) did not evaluate the concept of love only based on inter-couple relations. As mentioned a sentence ago, according to Fromm, there are five types of love: Mother and Father Love, Brotherly Love, Self-Love, Sexual Love, and God's Love. Fromm talked about how the unconditional love of parents is vital in the quality of the relationships that the individual will establish in the future and the neuroses seen in the individual without such love. On the other hand, based on the idea that everyone is equal, Fromm said that sibling love is to love someone not of their own blood, such as a poor person, like a brother. Loving those close to us comes naturally, but loving someone who does not reciprocate can be incredibly challenging. It is difficult to "give" in the first place; only then can one truly love if one puts effort into something. When talking about love, the concept of "mature love" is defined as follows:

Mature love is the union of a person without losing their integrity and individuality. Love is an active force in people that separates a person from other people, breaks down walls, and unites them with others. Love helps people overcome feelings of separation and loneliness, yet it ensures that it remains itself and that it does not lose its integrity. In love, the dilemma of two beings being one and still remaining two beings occurs. Love is an action that can only take place in freedom, not under necessity, the manifestation of human powers. Love is an activity; It is not a passive event. To be in something is not to be caught in something. The active feature of love can be defined in its most general form as follows: love is giving, not receiving. Immature love: "I love you because I need you." says. Mature love "I need you because I love you." says. (Fromm, 1956, p. 27)

In human relations, as in every other subject, the importance of balance is mentioned (Fromm, 1956). The balance of giving and receiving is expected to be equal or close to equilibrium. Fromm (1956) draws attention to the uncertainties of giving in relationships. Fromm says that the concept of "giving" mentioned here is interpreted differently by people with different understandings of love. Anyone whose personality is immature, receptive, exploitative, or hoarding understands the act of giving as giving up something, losing it for someone else's sake; Fromm adds:

Those who are not creative by nature regard giving as impoverishment. That is why most people like this do not want to give. Others consider it a virtue to give in the sense of giving up something. For the productive personality, giving has a diametrically opposite meaning. Giving is the best expression of being full of power. During the act of giving, I feel my power, my wealth, my superiority. This experience of exalted vitality and fullness fills me with enthusiasm. Giving is more exhilarating than receiving, not because it is a deprivation but because giving reveals my vitality. In the material universe, giving means being rich. It is not the rich who take much, but the rich who give much. However, the most important acts of giving do not occur in the material realm, but in the human universe. (Fromm, 1956, p. 24)

What does one give to another?

They give from themselves; they give something of their life, their time, their interests, their understanding, their knowledge, their compassion, their joys, their sorrows, all kinds of manifestations of the things that live in them. Thus, by giving something from their life, they enrich them and increase the vitality of the other person by accelerating the feeling of vitality within themselves. (Fromm, 1956, p. 30)

Fromm says that the ability to love depends on the development of the person, as well as the theoretical explanations Fromm offers to experience love and that it is possible for a person to reach this awareness with themselves:

Love is not a feeling anyone can taste at random without reaching maturity. Efforts to love will only succeed if one develops the whole personality creatively. The ability to love depends on the development of the personality. It predicts the predominance of creativity. In this case, the person has overcome their addiction, the powerlessness of being kept to themselves, the desire to use others, to be constantly receptive, and they have gained the courage to believe in their human powers and rely on their strength to reach their goals. The more these qualities are lacking, the more afraid they are to give of themselves and, therefore, love. (Fromm, 1956, p. 32.98)

Emphasizing that love is an action and activity, Fromm (1956) states that love is the active interest we feel for the thing we love to live and develop, and where this active interest is absent, there is no love. According to Fromm: Loving someone is not just a strong feeling; it is a decision, a judgment, a promise. If love consisted only of emotion, there would be no need to promise to love each other until death. Emotions come and go.

If judgment and decision are not involved in the action, how can we know that that feeling will last until death? (p. 58)

The quotation highlights the importance of making a conscious choice to love someone, as this decision and judgment ensure that the feeling of love can withstand the test of time and endure until death. In other words, it is not enough to feel love; one must actively choose to love and commit to it for it to be a lasting and meaningful experience. Moreover, Fromm lists the essential elements that reveal the effectiveness of love as follows:

• responsibility

• information

The example of the rose in the book The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry may be one of the best examples of the inseparability of the concepts of labor and love:

"It's the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important." (de Saint-Exupéry, 1942, p. 64)

Care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge are interconnected. These are behaviors that should be found together in a mature person. In other words, these are the characteristics that should be present in a person who uses their own powers to be creative, who only wants what they have worked for, who does not pursue narcissistic goals such as knowing everything and being able to do everything, and who has attained a humility that arises only from the inner confidence of being genuinely creative. (Fromm, 1956, p.37)

Responsibility

The essence of love is to work for something, to "grow something"; love and labor are inseparable. People love the things they work for, and they work hard for what they love. Another aspect of love is responsibility. Today, responsibility is understood as a task or something externally imposed on a person. However, responsibility in its true sense is an action that comes entirely from the heart; Whether explicit or implicit, it is our response to someone else's needs. Being responsible means being ready to "respond." The loving person responds. "Responsibility in an adult relationship means being able to respond to the spiritual needs of the other person. (Fromm, 1956, p. 33)

Respect and Knowledge

Respect is being able to see a person as they are and recognizing their unique individuality. In order to be respected, it is necessary to be independent. Respect exists only where there is freedom. In order to respect, it is necessary to know a person; without leadership, knowledge, interest, and responsibility will be blind. Knowledge is only possible if it is gained with interest. Knowledge has many layers. The knowledge that is part of love is not only external but also penetrates the core. (Fromm, 1956, p. 34)

Afterward, Fromm (1956) emphasizes that transcending oneself is as important as other needs. The person should be aware of this basic need, not be satisfied with being a mere creature, and should not accept themselves as a dice thrown randomly into the world.

Anyone who looks at life in the West from the outside will see that love is a very rare thing and will have no doubt that these loves are replaced by false loves, which are actually nothing but degenerated forms of love. In today's culture, people who can love are superior. Talking about love is not in vain; this means expressing an unchangeable and fundamental need in every human being. Just because this need has been pushed into the dark does not mean it does not exist at all. Believing that love can exist not only as an extraordinary individual phenomenon but also as a social phenomenon is a reasonable belief arising from knowing human nature well. (Fromm, 1956, p. 125)

In the last part of the book, Fromm offers us an application section. There are no tactics or steps to practice the art of loving. Fromm (1956) says that we must learn by studying and focusing on it, with discipline, patience, and interest, just like other arts. On the way to achieving the ultimate goal, the art of loving, we must eliminate narcissism and take humility, reason, and objectivity as our companions.

At the end of the article, the sentences that are a summary of the book are from Meister Eckhart, theologian and philosopher, who Fromm also quotes from time to time:

If you love yourself, you will love others as yourself. If you love another less than you love yourself, you will not have any real success in loving yourself. But if you love everyone, including yourself, if you love them as one person, that person is both God and man. Thus, the person who loves himself and others alike is high and honest. (Eckart, n.d.)

Finally, the concepts and issues that Erich Fromm touched upon and wanted to draw attention to in his book The Art of Loving, published in 1956, still remain current. In today's world, where we see technology, the functioning of societies, adaptation to general trends, and the impact of popular culture on the masses, the same issues can still be considered a cause for anxiety. It would be advantageous to pause at this juncture and contemplate momentarily.

Bibliographical References

Burston, D. (1991). The Legacy of Erich Fromm . Harvard University Press.

de Saint-Exupery, A. (1942). The Little Prince .

Eckhart, Meister. (1327/1981). Meister Eckhart, the essential sermons, commentaries, treatises, and defence . New York: Paulist Press.

Funk, R. (2000). Erich Fromm: His Life and Ideas, An Illustrated Biography . A&C Black.

Fromm, E. (1956). The art of loving . Harper and Row.

Huxley, A. (1932). Brave new world . Vintage.

Visual Sources

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Philosophy & Love

Is love an art, kathleen o’dwyer asks if we can learn how to love, with erich fromm and friends..

“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation” Rainer Maria Rilke.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” Jelaluddin Rumi

Love is a universal human phenomenon: we all need to love and to be loved. An acknowledgement of this need is beautifully portrayed by Raymond Carver in his poem ‘Late Fragment’, from Staying Alive: Real Poems for Unreal Times :

And did you get what You wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself Beloved on the earth

However, love is also a uniquely personal experience which can never be fully articulated. From a philosophical viewpoint, the concept of love raises many questions: What does it mean to love? What is the relationship between love of self and love of others? Is love an instinctive emotion, or is it a decisive and rational commitment? In his best-selling 1956 book The Art of Loving , German philosopher and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm (1900-1980) examines these questions and others relating to love, and he puts forward a strong argument that love is an art which must be developed and practiced with commitment and humility: it requires both knowledge and effort. Fromm provides specific guidelines to help his readers develop the art of loving, and he asserts that “love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence” (p.104, 1995 edition). This assertion carries a strong echo of the words of Sigmund Freud: “Our inborn instincts and the world around us being what they are, I could not but regard that love is no less essential for the survival of the human race than such things as technology” (from The Life Cycle Completed , Erik Erikson, 1998, p.20). Fromm puts forward a theory of love which is demanding, disturbing and challenging. He based it on the contradiction between the prevalent idea that love is natural and spontaneous – and consequently not requiring application or practice – and the incontestable evidence of the failure of love in personal, social and international realms.

The human need for love is rooted in our awareness of our individual separateness and aloneness within the natural and social worlds. This is one of the existential dichotomies which characterize the human condition: “Man is alone and he is related at the same time” (Fromm, Man for Himself , 1947). Many philosophers have addressed this paradoxical aspect of being human, and there has been a general consensus on the essential relationship between well-being, flourishing, even survival, and the experience of loving relationships and friendships. As the Irish poet Brendan Kennelly notes, “the self knows that self is not enough, / the deepest well becomes exhausted” (from Familiar Strangers ). The possibility of love exists within an acknowledgement of this insufficiency.

According to Fromm, aloneness creates an experience of “an unbearable prison” which may be a significant source of anxiety, shame and unhappiness: “The deepest need in man, then, is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness” ( Art , p.8). Therefore, the individual continually reaches out for connection and communication with others; he or she strives to attain the experience of love.

Thus one’s existential aloneness and need for relationship and connection propels the desire for mutuality and intimacy on a variety of levels. However, when this desire is grounded in the belief that one’s fulfilment can be achieved through the devotion and support of another, the emphasis is placed on the experience of being loved rather than on loving , and the loving other is distorted and diminished in order to facilitate this. This need-based motivation is not Fromm’s understanding of love, and it does not answer the problem of human separateness.

Fromm claims that love has been widely misunderstood. According to his interpretation, love “is a relatively rare phenomenon and its place is taken by a number of forms of pseudo-love” ( Art , p.65). For instance, the desire to escape aloneness may be expressed in a passive form of submission or dependence, wherein a person seeks an identity through another. Here, the individual renounces their responsibility and sense of self, and attempts to live through the perceived greatness or strength of the other. This mode of unhealthy relatedness may be experienced at a personal, social, national, even religious level. In all cases, the individual looks to another for the answers to the problems of living, and thus attempts to escape the challenges and demands of freedom and responsibility. There is often simultaneously the practice of domination and control on the part of the perceived more powerful partner. Yet the controlling partner is often equally dependent on the submissive other for the fulfilment of their own desire. Fromm interestingly points out that the two modes of living are frequently exercised by the same individual, submissive or dominating in relation to different people.

Such expressions of ‘love’ are synonymous with certain forms of romantic literature and music. ‘Love’ is cited as the motivation of both parties, based on the assertion that neither can live without the other. In either case, the individual is attempting to dispel the anxieties of aloneness and difference through a symbiotic or co-dependent union which places the focus of creative and productive living on a being outside the self: “for if an individual can force somebody else to serve him, his own need to be productive is increasingly paralyzed” ( Man for Himself , p.64). Fromm describes such a union as ‘fusion without integrity’, and he considers it an immature form of love which is destined to disappointment and failure. Or in the words of W.H. Auden, “Nothing can be loved too much, / but all things can be loved / in the wrong way.”

At the root of such immature expressions of love is a predominantly narcissistic preoccupation with one’s own world, one’s own values, and one’s own needs. This precludes an openness to otherness and difference, and it diminishes the possibility of relationship, and thus of love, through an exclusive reference to one’s own perspective. The person who experiences life through such a narcissistic orientation inevitably views others either as a source of threat and danger, or as a source of usefulness and manipulation. From this perspective, the other – person or world – is not experienced as they are, but rather through the distorting lens of one’s own needs and desires.

In opposition to this naïve, selfish, drive to escape separateness and aloneness, Fromm insists that “paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love” ( Art , p.88), and that the ability to experience real love is based on a commitment to the freedom and autonomy of both partners: “Mature love” he writes “is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality… In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two” ( Art , p.16). Thus the need for connection is answered through a relatedness which allows us to transcend our separateness without denying us our uniqueness. According to the German poet Rilke, this is the only solution to the dichotomy of separateness and connection. Rilke argues that “even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, [but] a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky” ( Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties , p.34). Fromm says further that one must reach out to the other with one’s whole being: “Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other from the centre of their existence” ( Art , p.80).

According to Fromm’s interpretation, real love is motivated by the urge to give and to share rather than by a desire to fulfil one’s own needs or to compensate for one’s inadequacies. This is only possible if the individual is committed to a ‘productive orientation’ towards life, since a productive character is more concerned with giving than with receiving: “For the productive character, giving… is the highest expression of potency. In the very act of giving, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power. This experience of heightened vitality and potency fills me with joy. I experience myself as overflowing, spending, alive, hence as joyous. Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness” ( Art , p.18). However, in order to give, an individual must experience a sense of self, from which to draw that which is given: “What does one person give another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives his life … he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humour, of his sadness” ( Art , p.19).

For Fromm, mature love is an act of giving which recognizes the freedom and autonomy of the self and the other, and in this sense, it differs radically from the passive, involuntary phenomenon suggested by the phrase ‘falling in love’. To Fromm there is a “confusion between the initial experience of ‘falling’ in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, ‘standing’ in love” ( Art , p.3). Indeed, Fromm claims that the intensity and excitement which accompanies moments of infatuation is frequently relative to the degree of loneliness and isolation which has been previously experienced. As such, it is commonly followed, sooner or later, by boredom and disappointment. Many thinkers, from Freud to the contemporary philosopher J. David Velleman, also emphasise the blindness of romantic love. In contrast, mature love is an active commitment to and concern for the well-being of that which we love. “Love, experienced thus, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place, but a moving, growing, working together” ( Art , p.80).

Fromm’s theory of love demands commitment, humility and courage, as well as persistence and hope in the face of inevitable conflicts and difficulties. But how is mature love to be developed and practised? How are the pitfalls of resentment, disappointment and indifference to be avoided, or, at least, constructively managed and overcome? Fromm declares that the art of loving is based on the practice of four essential elements: “care, responsibility, respect and knowledge” ( Art , p.21). These evoke a radically different response than that more commonly associated with romantic or sentimental love.

Care for the other implies a concern for their welfare characterised by our willingness to respond to their physical, emotional and psychological needs. This involves a commitment of time, effort and labour, which means responsibility . However, this commitment to care is tempered with a humility and openness which refrains from any attempt to mould the other to an image or ideal; it does not say ‘I know what is best for you’, but rather respects the autonomy and individuality of the other: “I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me. If I love the other person, I feel one with him or her, but with him as he is, not as I need him to be as an object for my use” ( Art , p.22). Respect thus implies the absence of exploitation: it allows the other to be, to change and to develop ‘in his own ways’. This requires a commitment to know the other as a separate being, and not merely as a reflection of my own ego. According to Velleman, this loving willingness and ability to see the other as they really are is foregrounded in our willingness to risk self-exposure: “Love disarms our emotional defences; it makes us vulnerable to the other… in suspending our emotional defences, love exposes our sympathy to the needs of the other” ( Self to Self: Selected Essays , 2006, p.95).

Love Variations

Of course, there are many kinds of love: sexual, parental and brotherly love are only some manifestations of the phenomenon, and are motivated by different desires, needs and hopes. But Fromm asserts that the experience of mature love has in all cases a similar foundation and orientation: if a mature attitude to love is being practiced, the other will not be an object to serve my purpose. The converse is also the case: Fromm refers to the various forms of subtle exploitation and manipulation which may be discerned behind the mere appearance or assertion of love. For example, sexual encounters may be primarily motivated by the desire for physical excitement, pleasure and release, or by the urge for domination or submission. In either case, the intimacy experienced is momentary and limited, and the relationship is not characterized by the core elements of care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, but by using the other as a means to an end. Parental love is assumed to be marked by the exercise of unconditional care, concern and devotion, and this is often the case. However, since Freud, we cannot ignore the idea that some parents are sometimes motivated by factors not conducive to the healthy growth of the child. For instance, whatever the reasons, when parental love is offered or withdrawn on conditional terms – obedience, compliance, success, popularity, pleasantness, etc – the child senses that he/she is not loved for his/her self, but only on the condition of being deserving. Psychoanalytic theory explores the lasting impact of such experiences for the resulting adult as the desire for unconditional love remains an unsatisfied craving.

Fromm offers a very interesting analysis of two possible approaches within the parental role. Using the images of ‘milk’ and ‘honey’, Fromm differentiates between a care-focussed love, and one which is imbued with vitality: “Milk is the symbol of the first aspect of love, that of care and affirmation. Honey symbolises the sweetness of life, the love for it, and the happiness in being alive” ( Art , p.39). The ability to give honey-love is dependent on one’s sense of happiness and joyful engagement; hence, it is rarely achieved. The ensuing effect on the child is profound: “Both attitudes have a deep effect on the child’s whole personality; one can distinguish, indeed, among children – and adults – those who got only ‘milk’, and those who got ‘milk and honey’.” ( Art , p.39). Perhaps this suggests a fifth element for Fromm’s list of the basic aspects of mature love. Care, responsibility, respect and knowledge are praiseworthy qualities in the loving person, an expression of a mature and genuine concern for the other; however, is there not a desire for something other than generosity and concern in the experience of love? Is there not a desire for ‘honey’ – for a sense of the lover having joy in the beloved, enjoyment in their very existence? Perhaps this is a necessary addition to Fromm’s already demanding view of love.

The concept of self-love is also a perennial subject of argument from philosophical, psychological and religious perspectives. Analysis ranges over the apparent dichotomy between our obligations to ourselves and to others, as well as interpretations of selfishness, narcissism and self-centeredness. In many cases, the issue rests on the varying interpretations of the phrase. The negative connotations of ‘self-love’ usually emanate from associations with an exclusive and obsessive focus on oneself and one’s world, and a disregard for anything outside this self-contained cosmos. In contrast, the idea of a healthy self-love posits no contradiction between love of self and love of others; rather, the former is seen as an essential starting point for the latter. This is Fromm’s view: “Love of others and love of ourselves are not alternatives. On the contrary, an attitude of love towards themselves will be found in all those who are capable of loving others. Love, in principle, is indivisible as far as the connection between ‘objects’ and one’s own self are concerned” ( Art , p.46). So self-love and love of others are not mutually exclusive, but co-existent. Fromm strengthens this argument by pointing to the distortions which ensue when the conditions of self-love or self-acceptance are not met; the parent who sacrifices everything for their children, the spouse who ‘does not want anything for himself’, the person who ‘lives only for the other’. Fromm discerns such expressions of ‘unselfishness’ as often being façades masking an intense self-centredness and a chronic hostility to life which paralyses one’s ability to love self or others.

Fromm’s claim that love of self and of others is intricately linked, is based on his argument that love for one human being implies a love for all – when I love someone, I love the humanity of that person, therefore, I love the humanity of all persons, including myself: “Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person: it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not towards one ‘object’ of love” ( Art , p.36). Therefore this theory of love is opposed to exclusivity or partiality. In this sense, Fromm concurs with the concept of universal love. He argues that “if I truly love one person, I love all persons” (p.36).

This idea is rejected by Freud, who points to various historical manifestations of its incongruence, for example, “After St Paul had made universal brotherly love the foundation of his Christian community, the extreme intolerance of Christianity towards those left outside it was an inevitable consequence,” he writes in Civilization and Its Discontents on p.51. Freud’s argument rests on the premise that one cannot love everyone one meets. He also stresses the concrete and practical nature of love over universal theories. Friedrich Nietzsche states the case for that in his typically aphoristic style: “There is not enough love and kindness in the world to permit us to give any of it away to imaginary beings” ( Human, All Too Human ). Interestingly, Freud’s argument against the possibility of universal love echoes Fromm’s thoughts on care and responsibility; but Freud maintains that we cannot exercise these values on a universal scale, and would not choose to do so.

In his analysis of the concept of neighbourly love, contemporary philosopher and psychoanalyst Slavoj Žižek poses the question ‘who is the neighbour?’, and concludes that the injunction to ‘love thy neighbour’ and correlative preaching about universal love, equality and tolerance, are ultimately strategies to avoid encountering the neighbour in all their vulnerability, frailty, obscenity and fallibility: “it is easy to love the idealized figure of a poor, helpless neighbour, the starving African or Indian, for example; in other words, it is easy to love one’s neighbour as long as he stays far enough from us, as long as there is a proper distance separating us. The problem arises at the moment when he comes too near us, when we start to feel his suffocating proximity – at this moment when the neighbour exposes himself to us too much, love can suddenly turn into hatred” ( Enjoy Your Symptom! Jacques Lacan in Hollywood and Out , p.8). Thus the popularity of humanitarian causes lies in their inherent paradox, whereby one can ‘love’ from a distance without getting involved. Žižek offers a pertinent challenge: “‘Love thy neighbour!’ means ‘Love the Muslims!’ OR IT MEANS NOTHING AT ALL!” ( etext ).

Velleman argues that human beings are selective in love because it is not constitutionally possible to know and so to love everybody: “One reason why we love some people rather than others is that we can see into only some of our observable fellow creatures” ( Self to Self , p.107). Our choice of love objects is inevitably limited by our own limitations, but this is not to deny the potential value of others as worthy of love: “We know that those whom we do not happen to love may be just as eligible for love as our own children, spouses, and friends” ( ibid , p.108). Perhaps the resolution of this apparent paradox resides in the humble acknowledgement that every person is worthy of love, but that our ability to love is limited to those whom we choose to know and cherish on a personal level. As Velleman says, “knowing the other is essential to love, and this, in part, points to ‘the partiality of love’: Personal love is… a response to someone with whom we are acquainted. We may admire or envy people of whom we have only heard or read, but we can only love the people we know” ( Self to Self , p.10).

Love Begins and Ends

Fromm’s treatise on the art of loving is provocative and insightful. It exposes the myriad problems associated with the experience of loving and of being loved. It confidently asserts that love is essential to human flourishing and survival, while also highlighting the demands and responsibilities associated with its practice. Is Fromm’s understanding of love idealistic and unrealistic? I leave the final words to Carl Sandburg:

There is a place where love begins and a place where love ends. There is a touch of two hands that foils all dictionaries. There is a look of eyes fierce as a big Bethlehem open hearth furnace or a little green-fire acetylene torch. There are single careless bywords portentous as a big bend in the Mississippi River. Hands, eyes, bywords – out of these love makes battlegrounds and workshops. There is a pair of shoes love wears and the coming is a mystery. There is a warning love sends and the cost of it is never written till long afterward. There are explanations of love in all languages and not one found wiser than this: There is a place where love begins and a place where love ends – and love asks nothing. (‘Explanations of Love’)

Kathleen O’Dwyer’s book The Possibility of Love: An Interdisciplinary Analysis (2009) is published by Cambridge Scholars Press. It’s a philosophical investigation into the complex experience of love.

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A short review of The Art of Loving , by Erich Fromm

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several years ago, a reader of Agapeta told me that some ideas expressed in my post Components of Love overlap those put forward by Erich Fromm in his 1956 book The Art of Loving . I have thus read it.

His approach to the subject is radically different from that of other scholars I mentioned in my article. For his book Lovestyles , J. A. Lee adopted a standard sociological approach by studying love as it exists in the population, not as it should ideally be. In The Four Loves , C. S. Lewis based himself on the classical Greek teminology for the different forms of love. The long book L’Amour et l’Occident by D. de Rougemont examines the evolution in Western Europe, from the 12th to the 20th century, of the “Tristan and Iseult myth,” the romantic view of love as a superhuman passion bordering mysticism, doomed to be broken by the reality of life; he opposes to it the ideal of Christian love. On the other hand, Fromm starts from scratch, he unfolds his own personal thought, without reference to any cultural tradition, nor any sociological or historical data. Added to it is a superficial criticism of capitalism and its negative influence on love, against which he only proposes to reclaim the individual (he does not seem to envisage how changing the social and economic organization of humanity could have beneficial effects on love).

Fromm does not call love what exists now—for him this not real love—but only what it should be, a kind of of perfection that probably is seen nowhere in our present world. Thus Lee compares Fromm’s view of love to the Christian ideal of agape .

The question of equality in love is soon raised in the book, and indeed Fromm gives to that word a meaning quite different from mine. I defined equality as interchangeability: people are equal if anyone of them can be replaced by any other without changing the result. I explained that it applies to the economic, social and political sphere, but not necessarily to an intimate relation, as the latter is often based on the peculiarity or even unicity of the beloved. On the other hand, Fromm defines equality as the fact that “ we are all one ” or, according to Kant, that “ no man must be the means for the ends of another man ,” and “ all men are equal inasmuch as they are ends, and only ends, and never means to each other. ” He deplores that “ in contemporary capitalistic society ,” equality means now “ sameness rather than oneness. ” Thus what he calls equality is what I call mutual respect and absence of exploitation and manipulation.

He sees erotic love to some extent as a love between equals and at the same time based on the “polarity of the sexes,” which remains quite rigid in his conception. Strong gender stereotypes permeate his thinking, and his “equality” between man and woman looks more like the “complementarity of the sexes” put forward by pro-family conservatives, or the balance of male and female prerogatives seen in some primitive societies that were gender-balanced but not gender-equal (for instance the Iroquois and the Bushmen). His view of erotic love is strongly heteronormative, leading him to depreciate homosexuality:

The male-female polarity is also the basis for interpersonal creativity. […] The homosexual deviation is a failure to attain this polarized union, and thus the homosexual suffers from the pain of never-resolved separateness, a failure, however, which he shares with the average heterosexual who cannot love.

Fromm considers several forms of love, he does not distinguish them primarily by their “style” (as Lee), or by the type of feeling or relation (as Lewis and I), but by their “object.”

First there is what he calls “brotherly love,” which correponds to philia . He considers it as the most fundamental form of love, underlying all other types. He recognizes that it is “love between equals” for his own definition of equality: “ brotherly love is based on the experience that we are all one. ” He sees the beginning of it in the love for the helpless, the poor and the stranger. In my view helping a poor or helpless person is an unequal relation, but as said above, Fromm gives a different meaning to equality.

Then he considers the love of parents for their children, and he admits that it represents a relation between unequals. Here again he shows his strong gender prejudices, as he fundamentally distinguishes motherly from fatherly love. The mother gives her love unconditionally, or does not give it, the child cannot do anything to earn that love; on the other hand the father’s love is conditioned by the behaviour of the child, the father gives it as a reward when the child fulfils his duty and conforms to parental expectations. Fromm puts these two loves in temporal succession: the child first needs mother and her unconditional love, then father and his love as reward for good behaviour, and finally grows up to be independent. This conception represents the traditional stereotype of the woman as the loving caretaker of babies and toddlers, and the man as the principle of authority for older children.

Parental love as described by Fromm corresponds partially to storge in my (and Lewis’) terminology, but my conception of storge is much wider, as it includes most non-erotic affectionate interpersonal relations, not restricted to family.

Next, erotic love is characterized by Fromm as both love between equals (for his definition of equality as “oneness”) and exclusive love for a unique person. He never considers erotic polyamory, which exists nevertheless and is described by Lee as the ludic eros lovestyle. And as I mentioned above, he envisages it only as love between a man and a woman.

Having described what I call philia , storge and eros , he finally proposes two other types of loves, having unusual “objects.” First self-love, which some authors would rather call self-acceptance; he explains that it is distinct from selfishness, as it does not exclude others. Then he discusses at length love of God. Both are not love in my view, as I restrict it to relations between distinct people (or between people and animals able to show affection and friendship).

Although Fromm’s ideal of love resembles the Christian description of agape , as it is a discipline requiring selfless commitment and will, he never uses the word agape , nor does he propose a type of love corresponding to it.

Fromm’s typology of love is expounded in a long chapter entitled “The Theory of Love,” which makes more than half of the book. It is followed by two shorter chapters, “Love and Its Disentegration in Contemporary Western Society” and “The Practice of Love,” both of which I did not find very useful.

To conclude, I consider this book rather as a failure: the expression of purely personal opinions, lacking scholarship and research.

Reference: Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving (1956), Internet Archive .

Previously published on Agapeta, 2015/12/20 .

One thought on “ A short review of The Art of Loving , by Erich Fromm ”

Erich Fromm was right. You seek research about love?

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The Art of loving

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Erich Fromm’s The Art Of Loving Analysis

Erich Fromm takes a look at how one can obtain different universal and personal love: romantic, self, motherly, brotherly, love for God, parents loving children and erotic love in order to feel whole. Fromm approaches this ideal of attainment of love by viewing it as an art to master, hence, the title of his book The Art Of Loving. Like any other art form, Fromm believes love can be learned by mastering the theory of it and mastering the practice of it. (p.5) His rationalized approached is that of a builder; the builder is ready to build something that has not been built yet. By breaking down the meaning of love and analyzing it in minute detail, Fromm believes a person can obtain these different types of love by understanding the reasons why we need it.

Fromm explains early on in the Art Of Loving what love is. He sees it as an art like music, painting, medicine or some other kind of practice, one goes into and study. Fromm provides a layout, not instructions, how a person can perfect love through knowledge. Unlike other art forms where one has to acquire knowledge through an educational institution, Art Of Loving provides advice provided by the author to get love. Fromm invites the reader to engage in his intellect theoretical point of view about in Chapter 2.

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Before he gets theoretical, Fromm takes an inside look at exactly what is art of love and perhaps why people want to acquire romantic love in order to feel whole. Under a capitalistic society, people approach obtaining love the same they engaged in financial transactions. Fromm views this as a reason people fail in accessing love. Although,

Art of Loving 2

People want to feel the experience of being in loved, they do not have the right tools to obtain it. Their capacity of being loved is beyond their reach. It is because society sets a standard in which one must follow in order to achieve acceptance; this includes love. For instance, women groom themselves to be attractive and men seek to buy things for a thrill. Both genders want to win each other’s love like their prizes (p.3). Over time during the twentieth century, Fromm says this social value has changed; however, the underlying sentiment has not. The essence of social requirements of obtaining love-the object has changed overtime. (p.3-4)

Fromm says by examining the reasons for the failure to love and the meaning of it will unlock an assumption, an error as he calls it –that one can not learn from love. Fromm disputes this thought and builds his case against it one brick at a time. Overall, the process of learning love as an art, the mastery of it, is achieved through knowledge of it. In Retrospect, the results will show in practice, one’s intuition. Fromm calls the intuition, “essence of the mastery of any art.” (p.5).

Like a true artist, Fromm looks at love from the outside, as an observer. As an outsider he can rationalizes his theory behind love; he explains “any theory of love must begin with a theory of man, of human existence.” (p.7). He takes us on a journey through his theories beginning with the existence of people and how their need to conform in society especially a capitalistic one for them to feel part of something, a union. Similarly, people feel this way about obtaining love. According to From, people in Western society are not forced to conform but subconsciously feel the need to conform in order to feel a part of something, to feel unionized, so one does not have to be alone.

Art of Loving 3

Fromm sums three reasons why people feel a strong desire to conform or form a union with others: the relieve anxiety of separateness, the routine of work or of pleasure, and the creative activity. Of course, this theorizing of people’s desire to conform stems from the 1950s believe that people are encouraged to be the same and not be different. Fromm is indicating this ideal of oneness or conformity is a “pseudo-unity”; it is not real unity. (p.17) Fromm thinks it is not real because of how people are persuade to act. He rationalizes that what people desire is” interpersonal fusion.” (p.17) The interpersonal fusion can be obtained in different ways. However, the real love Fromm discusses comes from mature love. He dismantles the failures of achieving real love by breaking down what people have been experiencing as what he calls “symbiotic union” . Symbiotic union comes in many forms: psychic symbiotic union, passive symbiotic union (masochism), active symbiotic union (sadism). All of these types of symbiotic union are falls under the umbrella of immature love because it part of escapism. For instance, the passive form of symbiotic love (masochism), “a person escapes from the unbearable feeling of isolation and separateness by making himself part and parcel of another person who directs him, guides him, protects him…” (p. 18) This goes back to what Fromm refers as part of a failure when one tries to separate from being alone. For the person to overcome the loneliness one will adapt to form a bond so they can feel loved. However, this love is “pseudo” because of how it was obtained-through escapism.

Continuing on with his theory on love, Fromm briefly touches on love between parent and child, in which the child is egocentric and only responds to the joy of being loved by the return affection from the parent. (p.36) Fromm elaborates by saying the

Art of Loving 4

Child has not yet learn to love, but as the child matures as adolescent the child will learn mature love. In doing so, the child breaks from his or her ego cell and experience love because one can. The author wants people to be clear about the difference. He says “Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines in relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one “object” of love. In order for one to overcome this symbiotic attachment, one has to be able to not only love the other person but all people. (p. 44) Fromm briefly mentions the types of love: brotherly love, motherly love, erotic love, self-love and love of God. These easily can become symbiotic if it is not balanced with mature love.

To practice this art of love, Fromm suggests three requirements: discipline, concentration, and patience. Fromm believes people have very little discipline especially when it is not forced for instance in a workplace where one practices discipline routinely. As a result of not having discipline outside of work, one’s life becomes broken, crazy and unclear. (p.97) Fromm advices one not to practice discipline itself under the guise of a capitalistic society, but rather expressed at one’s will. (p.98) A person has to feel the expression of wanting to be discipline without constraints. It is necessary to acquire concentration during the master of art of love. To build this up, one has to learn how to be alone with oneself without distractions. Patience another virtue is something one needs to learn as part of the practice of art of love. (Fromm, 1956 p.98-104)

In discovery, one applauds Fromm for offering solid advice on how to go about learning the art of love by practicing it and through the practice one can master it. Fromm tackles such an important topic during his time period in the 1950s, a period where the

Art of Loving 5

Capitalistic belief is to be the same and feel the same, to be unionized. Fromm does not steer away from it; he tackles the issue, as a false-a symbiotic symbol- which leads a person to become detached from one self while desiring to become attached to somebody. Fromm is not discouraging people to stray way from others, in fact, he encourages. He is saying before one can have love, the mature kind, one has to build it. A person has to craft being lovable before one can be loved. Fromm concludes with “society must be organized in such a way that man’s social, loving nature is not separated from his social existence, but becomes one with it. (p.120) The person has built the art of loving through knowledge and practice and will move forward to become master of their own love without feeling isolated in a capitalistic society. Therefore will be able to love knowing they are able to be loved.

References:

Fromm, Erich. (1956). The Art Of Loving. New York: Harper& Row, Publishers.

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Erich Fromm “The Art of Love”

Erich Fromm was born in 1900 in Frankfurt, Germany. He was the only child of Jewish parents. Fromm grew up knowing two different worlds – Orthodox Jewish and Christian, where he occasionally encountered anti-Semitism. The Fromm family was far from ideal. He described his parents as “very neurotic,” and himself as “an unbearably neurotic child.”

When the First World War broke out in Europe, Fromm was 14 years old. Although he was too young to fight, he was struck by human irrationality and destructive inclinations. He later wrote: “I was deeply preoccupied with a young man who was tormented by the question of how this war turned out to be possible, as well as the desire to understand the irrationality of the behavior of human masses and the passionate desire for peace and understanding between nations.” The answers to these questions show the enormous influence of Freud and Karl Marx . Freud’s work helped him understand that people are not aware of the reasons for their behavior. While reading Marx, he learned that sociopolitical forces significantly influence people’s lives.

Unlike Freud, Jung and Adler, Fromm did not have a medical education. He studied psychology, sociology and philosophy, he was awarded the degree of Ph.D. at the University of Heidelberg in 1922. He received a basic psychoanalytic education at the Berlin Psychoanalytic Institute.

In 1934, Fromm emigrated to the United States of America, seeking to avoid the Nazi threat. He started a private practice in New York. Fromm published his first book, Escape from Freedom, in 1941. In it, he showed the special significance of the ways in which social forces and ideologies form the structure of the character of an individual. This trend, developed in a large number of subsequent books, brought Fromm membership in the International Psychoanalytic Association.

In 1945, Fromm became a member of the William Alençon White Institute of Psychiatry. Later he lectured at many US universities and served as a professor of psychiatry at the National University of Mexico from 1949 until his departure in 1965. Together with his wife Fromm in 1976 he moved to Switzerland, where he died of a heart attack in 1980.

I decided to write an essay on the book by Erich Fromm “The Art of Love” in order to better understand what love is, which plays such a big role in the life of every person. I did not expect to receive “accessible instructions in the art of love,” but, on the contrary, to understand the deep roots of this feeling, to get answers to my own questions from the point of view of psychology and philosophy.

In principle, the content of the book Fromm conveyed in the preface, which immediately adjusts the reader to the subject and complexity of the book. Just want to note that, firstly, “The Art of Love” contains many interesting ideas and, secondly, with the majority, if not all, I agree that it is very nice. Therefore, I read this book with great pleasure, although, frankly, I thought about it, almost in every word.

The title of the first chapter is submitted in the form of the question “Is love an art?” Most consider love, say, an accident, which is fundamentally, I think, wrong. Because for many, “the problem of love is only to be loved, and not to love, to know how to love.” Because a significant part of people think that, in fact, it is easy to love, the only problem is to find a suitable object that would meet all the requirements (almost like some kind of product!) And which would then fall in love. It would be more reasonable to say that love is a natural result of efforts and knowledge.

Although some do not even think that in order to love you, you also need to take some effort, and most importantly, that love for someone is more happiness than the consciousness that you love. Also, people can not always distinguish the initial feeling of love with a permanent state of being in love.

Love must learn, Fromm writes, and I share his point of view. Since, if people do not know how to love, then even the so-called “true love” will not last long.

Love is an art, with this I fully agree. And, of course, like every art, it is necessary to learn. But first it is necessary to realize (which for many, it seems to me impossible): we were taught from childhood to treat love simply, without even thinking, that is, questions like “Do you love your son, Manya from a neighboring yard?” In most cases they wanted to hear affirmative answer) that love is an art that, like all craftsmanship, is not given without difficulty, and only then it can be learned.

But, despite all the failures in this area, many put in the first place “more” real things: money, success, power, and so on. And since the same majority are pragmatists, this is largely the case because already at the beginning of the path (anyone) I want to see or at least represent the ultimate goal in some way. When you learn love, it is difficult to talk about it if it is not possible. Fromm correctly writes that our present culture implies worthy efforts to train only those things with which you can acquire money or prestige, and love that benefits “only the soul” but is useless in the modern sense is “luxury.” To change this state of affairs, this book was written. Of course, this is only one reason.

The second chapter of the book, in fact, is devoted to the theory of love. Here I would like to add that the content of the book goes beyond the definition of this feeling, which is understandable. Our life is a combination of various factors and circumstances; therefore, love cannot be separated from reality, from the environment.

Here (in this chapter), as I have already said, there are many interesting ideas. For example, one of them is as follows: a person inherently strives to be identical, that is, subconsciously he wants him to be not one. Although outwardly it seems the opposite: “people live with the illusion that they follow their own ideas and inclinations, that they are original, that they come to their convictions as a result of their own thinking”.

In fact, if you dig deeper, you can see that “their ideas are similar to the ideas of the majority,” that is, “the agreement of all is evidence of the correctness of“ their ”ideas.” But since there is still a small need for individualism, it is satisfied with the help of such insignificant distinctive signs as initials on clothes, belonging to a particular party, and so on. But, in fact, complete unity, that is, the feeling that he is not alone, comes only in love. But at the same time, only this feeling allows two beings to become one and at the same time remain two.

Immediately, Fromm gives some definition: “Love is an active force in a person, a force that destroys the walls separating a person from his neighbors; which unites him with others; love helps him overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness; while allowing him to remain himself, to maintain its integrity. ” Sufficiently capacious, in my opinion, the definition.

Thus, the active nature of the feeling consists precisely in the fact that love is, above all, giving, not taking. But in order to give, a person must reach a certain level of development. In fact, “giving is more joyful than taking, not because it is deprivation, but because the expression of my vitality is manifested in this act of giving”.

In his work, Fromm identifies five elements inherent in each kind of love. This is giving, caring, responsibility, respect and knowledge. The ability to give love implies the attainment of a “high level of productive orientation,” in which a person overcomes the narcissistic desire to exploit others and accumulate, and gains faith in his own strength, the courage to rely on himself in achieving goals. “The more a person lacks these traits, the more he is afraid of giving himself away – and, therefore, loving,” believes Fromm.

That love means caring is most evident in the attachment of a mother to her child. Her assurance of adoration will not convince us if we see her lack of custody of the child, if she neglects the feeding, does not try to completely surround him with attention, but when we see her care for the child, we fully believe in her feeling. “Love is an active interest in the life and development of what we love.”

Another aspect of love – responsibility – is the answer to the expressed or unexpressed needs of a human being. Being responsible means being able and willing to “respond”. A loving person feels responsible for his loved ones as well as for himself. In love between adults, responsibility mainly concerns the mental needs of the other.

Responsibility could easily degenerate in the desire for superiority and domination, if there were no respect in love. “Respect is not fear and reverence, it is the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique individuality.” Thus, reverence implies the absence of exploitation. “I want my loved one to grow and develop for his own sake, his own way, and not to serve me. If I love another person, I feel oneness with him, but with what he is, and not with the way I wanted him to be, as a means of my goals. ”

“It is impossible to respect a person without knowing him: care and responsibility would be blind if knowledge did not direct them.” Fromm considered love as one of the ways of knowing the mystery of man, and knowledge as an aspect of love, which is the tool of this knowledge, allowing to penetrate into the very essence.

There are several types of love that Fromm calls “objects”: brotherly love, motherly love, erotic love, love of self, and love of God.

Under fraternal love Fromm understands love between equals, which is based on the feeling that we are all one. “Love begins to manifest itself only when we love those whom we cannot use for our own purposes,” the author writes. Maternal love, which I would call parental love, without dividing it into the feelings of a father and mother, according to Fromm, is an attachment to a helpless being. The philosopher speaks of self-love as a feeling, without experiencing which, it is not possible to love someone else.

For both sexual and erotic feelings, Fromm uses one term – “erotic love”. As its main principle, the author identifies the merger, both in the physical and in the spiritual sense. However, when a philosopher begins to describe specific manifestations of erotic love, he discovers that the physical aspect of closeness without spiritual unity is not capable of satisfying it.

“If the perception of another person went deep into it, if the infinity of his personality was comprehended, then the other person could never be fully known – and the miracle of overcoming barriers could be repeated every day anew. But for most people acquaintance with their own person, and even more so with others too hastily, is exhausted too quickly. For them, affinity is affirmed primarily through sexual contact. Since they perceive the alienation of another person first of all as physical alienation, they take physical unity as a feeling of intimacy. ”

In this passage, it is important for us to distinguish two aspects in the understanding of erotic love Fromm. First, it is the achievement of unity with another through physical intimacy, and, secondly, it is the achievement of unity with another in the infinite cognition of another through physical intimacy.

In the first case, all experiences focus on the fact of physical proximity itself. In the second – on the other, which is comprehended through this proximity. It is quite possible to agree with Fromm when he emphasizes the non-self-sufficiency of the purely sexual aspect in love: “For a brief moment, sexual desire creates the illusion of unity, but without love it leaves people as alien to each other as they were before. Sometimes it makes them ashamed afterwards and even hate each other, because when the illusion disappears, they feel alienated even more than before. ”

Later in this chapter comes a description of the love of God that I would prefer to get around with my attention.

The third section of the book is called “Love and its disintegration in modern society”. Many thoughts and ideas are closely intertwined or have even been mentioned in previous chapters. But here I would like to quote one paragraph, which seems to me the most correct. That is, delusion, the illusion that “love necessarily means the absence of conflict, is very common. Also, people are accustomed to thinking that pain and sadness should be avoided under any circumstances … And they find the right arguments in favor of this idea that the collisions they see around turn out to be just a destructive reciprocal exchange, which does not bring any good to any of parties.

In fact, for most people quarrels are attempts to avoid actual conflicts. It is rather a disagreement on insignificant and superficial issues that by their very nature are not amenable to clarification or resolution. The actual conflicts between two people are not to hide something or to blame on another person, but are experienced on a deep level of inner reality from which they emanate. Such conflicts are not destructive. They lead to clarification, they give rise to catharsis, from which both people come out enriched with knowledge and power. ”

And the last chapter, the smallest, “The Practice of Love”, where Fromm immediately warns those who are waiting for any prescriptions like “do-it-yourself” that this will not happen. The author only highlights the general requirements and character traits necessary in any art, be it music, medicine and, of course, love.

First of all, the philosopher singles out discipline as a criterion, but precisely the discipline of his whole life. The second aspect – concentration, that is, the mastery of any art should be the subject of the highest concentration, there should not be anything more important than this occupation. The third factor is patience. The last condition is the highest interest in gaining mastery in this matter. “If art is not a subject of supreme importance to him, the student will never learn it. He will remain, at best, a good amateur, but he will never become a master. This condition is as necessary in the art of love as it is in any other. ”

Next, Fromm considers the qualities necessary for the ability to love: overcoming his own narcissism, reason, humility. The author reduces all these three traits to one definition: “love, being dependent on the relative absence of narcissism, requires the development of humility, objectivity and reason. All life should be dedicated to this goal. ”

In general, I would like to say that this is a wonderful book that allowed me to understand a lot, but at the same time I made me think about other things, not only about love. And I would like to finish with Erich Fromm’s quotation that “love is a character trait, it must be present not only in relations with your family and friends, but also with those with whom a person comes into contact at work, in affairs, in their professional activities. There is no “division of labor” between the love of one’s own and the love of others. On the contrary, the condition for the existence of the first is the existence of the second. ”

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The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm - Essay Example

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