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Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

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posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

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How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

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Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

Home — Essay Types — Satire Essay

Satire Essay Examples

Satire essay topics and satire essay ideas are boundless, allowing for creative expression in various formats and lengths. However, it's crucial to maintain a delicate balance, ensuring that humor does not transform into rudeness. Satire should be a lighthearted, even nurturing approach to highlighting the absurd or inappropriate aspects of a subject. The ultimate goal is to shed light on why something is shameful or incorrect.

To achieve this, writers often employ literary devices such as irony, allegory, hyperbole, and metaphors to invite the audience to read between the lines. Satire frequently conveys a message different from its surface meaning, so it's important to choose words carefully when using irony. The essence of satire lies in its ability to provoke thought and laughter simultaneously.

As you brainstorm satirical essay ideas and satirical essay topics, consider subjects that can be approached with a touch of wit and humor, while still highlighting important issues or absurdities in society. By doing so, you can create thought-provoking and entertaining pieces that captivate your audience while delivering a meaningful commentary on the world around us.

Popular Topics for Satire Essays

Explore a diverse array of thought-provoking and humorous subjects that serve as perfect topics for satire essays. These topics offer ample material for crafting witty and insightful satirical pieces.

• The Absurdity of Social Media Influencer Culture
• The Perils of Modern Dating Apps
• Corporate Jargon and Buzzword Overload
• The Bizarre World of Celebrity Obsession
• Analysis of The Television Show "The Office"
• The Ridiculousness of Fashion Trends
• Over-the-Top Fitness and Diet Fads
• The Hilarity of Political Campaign Promises
• The Exaggerated Culture of Political Correctness
• The Comedic Side of Student Loan Debts
• The Presentation of Products to Consumers in The Onion Magnasoles: Rhetorical Analysis"
• The Quirks of Office Politics and Office Etiquette

Satire Topics for High School Students

When seeking inspiration for satire essay topics, high school students or anyone else can benefit from exploring satire essay samples.These examples of satire topics for high school students can provide valuable insights into effective satirical techniques and help generate fresh and engaging ideas.

Literature:

• The Inexplicable Popularity of SparkNotes and CliffsNotes
• The Dramatic Overanalysis of Shakespearean Sonnets in English Class
• The Misadventures of Students Trying to Interpret Symbolism in Classic Novels
• Comparing The Construction of Satire Through Naiveté
• The Puzzling Fascination with Cliffhangers in Young Adult Fiction
• The Chronicles of the Overused Book Report Clichés
• The Hilarious World of High School Student Council Elections
• The Absurdity of School Cafeteria Politics and Lunchtime Alliances
• The Bizarre Election Promises Made by Class President Candidates
• The Satirical Take on History Class and Revisionist History
• The Comedy of Errors in Mock United Nations Debates
• The Comedic Chronicle of Historical Misinterpretations in Textbooks
• The Secret Lives of Historical Figures: A Satirical Exposé
• The Time-Traveling Adventures of History Class: When Studying the Past Gets Weird
• The Great Historical Conspiracy Theories: Aliens, Time Travelers, and Other Explanations
• The Absurdity of Students Reenacting Historical Battles with Water Balloons

These satire topics provide a humorous take on various aspects of high school life, making them relatable and entertaining for high school students.

Remember, satire is a powerful tool for social commentary and humor, so it's essential to use it responsibly and thoughtfully. By staying within the bounds of humor and wit, you can create compelling satire essays that entertain and enlighten your audience without resorting to negativity or insult.

Writing a satirical essay presents a unique challenge that stands apart from other forms of writing. This genre requires not only a deep understanding of the subject matter but also a keen sense of humor and the ability to see the world through a critical, often ironic lens. Satirical essays aim to highlight the absurdities, hypocrisies, and flaws in society, politics, or human behavior, using humor as a tool to provoke thought and encourage change.

Writing a satirical essay stands in sharp contrast to drafting research or proposal essays, each distinguished by their unique objectives and stylistic approaches. While research essays are anchored in a thorough investigation, presenting findings with academic rigor, and proposal essays outline detailed plans for future projects or studies, satirical essays carve out a niche that relies on wit, irony, and humor to critique and reflect upon societal norms, policies, and human behaviors.

Unlike research essays, which aim to contribute new knowledge to a specific field through systematic inquiry and analysis, satirical essays use exaggeration and satire to underscore the absurdity and flaws within those very topics or in broader societal issues. Where proposal essays are structured to persuade or seek approval for initiatives with logical argumentation and evidence-based benefits, satirical essays skewer proposed solutions or existing conditions, highlighting their shortcomings or the ironic realities that underpin them.

The essence of a satirical essay lies in its ability to disguise critique within humor, making it a unique vehicle for social commentary. It challenges readers to question and reconsider the status quo, using laughter as a tool for reflection, rather than straightforward persuasion or the presentation of empirical research. This distinct difference sets satirical essays apart, making them not just a form of entertainment but a powerful medium for conveying complex critiques in an accessible and engaging manner.

What is a Satire Essay

Satire is a literary technique that employs humor, irony, and sarcasm to criticize or mock various aspects of society, politics, or human behavior. If you’re looking for inspiration for your satire essays , consider exploring satire essay examples and existing satire essays on various topics.

Contrary to popular belief, a satire essay is not about getting angry or bitter as you write about politics or some social issues that must be explained. The trick here is to explore existing satire essay topics that would help you come up with ideas. If you have never written satire in the past, you may be already provided with a topic to start with. In simple terms, a satire essay must criticize some subject by making it in a smart way where you talk about issues like procrastination or being too greedy. It has to be fun and not turn into a sort of bullying. Always show due respect as you structure things, as it will help you provide an excellent paper.

The Art and Power of Satire

Satire is a versatile and influential form of expression, frequently employed by writers and comedians to address serious issues indirectly. Let’s examine how it works, why it’s so popular, and explore some satire writing examples for a better understanding.

Understanding Satirical Elements

Satire typically utilizes the following elements:

• Exaggeration : Satire often takes real-life situations and exaggerates them to absurd proportions. This technique draws attention to the flaws or absurdities of the subject.
• Irony : Irony is a cornerstone of satire. It involves saying one thing but meaning another, creating a humorous contrast.
• Sarcasm : The use of biting humor and cutting remarks is a trademark of satire. Sarcasm is a potent tool for satirists to convey their message.
• Parody : Satire often mimics the style of its subject matter, creating a humorous imitation that highlights the subject’s flaws.

Satire has been a potent tool throughout history, addressing issues from politics to social norms. Its effectiveness lies in its ability to entertain and provoke thought simultaneously.

5 Satire Writing Examples

• The “Smart” Home Assistant:   

In this satire piece, imagine a world where smart home assistants have become so intelligent that they start giving unsolicited advice, judging your life choices, and offering condescending remarks. It humorously highlights the overreliance on technology and the invasion of privacy in the digital age.

• The “Healthy” Fast Food Chain:

Explore a fictional fast-food restaurant that claims to serve healthy alternatives, but in reality, their salads are drenched in more calories than a burger, and their smoothies are packed with sugar. This satire pokes fun at the deceptive marketing tactics used by some food establishments.

• The “Eco-Friendly” Space Travel Company:

Imagine a future where space tourism companies claim to be eco-friendly while launching rockets that spew massive amounts of pollution into the atmosphere. This satirical piece highlights the hypocrisy of industries that prioritize profit over environmental concerns.

• The “Innovative” Social Media Platform:

Create a satire of a fictional social media platform that constantly introduces new features, each more intrusive and time-consuming than the last. This piece satirizes the addictive nature of social media and the never-ending quest for user engagement.

• The “Superhero” Government Agency:

Craft a story about a government agency tasked with solving everyday inconveniences rather than addressing real issues. This satire highlights the bureaucracy and inefficiency often associated with government institutions.

These satirical essay examples provide a glimpse into the world of satirical writing, where humor and wit are used to comment on various aspects of society, culture, and human behavior.

How to Start a Satire Essay

Speaking of satire essay structure , you must remember that it should resemble the rules of creative writing or narrative papers.

Here is what you can do as you are about to start with a satire essay:

• Introduction with a strong sentence hook where you introduce a fictional person or a problem. 
• Talk about why it’s bad and explain things by providing several examples that we all know well. 
• Talk about how to avoid the problem by using some ideas why this or that is wrong. 
• Tell a story or provide another example by making things fun. 
• Provide a conclusion paragraph by explaining why something is wrong or pose a moral lesson. 

Remember, satire is all about using humor and irony to critique and comment on various aspects of society or human behavior. These prompts should inspire you to create a satirical essay that engages and amuses your readers while offering a unique perspective on the chosen topic. Explore free critical analysis essays to improve your understanding of satire and enhance your writing skills further

Prompts for a Satirical Essays

Social Media and Technology:

•  The Social Media Obsession: Explore the absurdities of our society’s obsession with social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. How has it affected our lives, self-esteem, and relationships?
• The Endless Quest for the Perfect Selfie: Explore the humorous side of our society’s obsession with taking the perfect selfie. How far are people willing to go for that flawless Instagram post?

Health and Wellness:

• The Ridiculous World of Fad Diets: Satirize the never-ending cycle of fad diets and weight loss trends. Are these diets truly effective, or are they just empty promises?
• The Fast-Food Frenzy: Take a humorous approach to the culture of fast food, addressing issues like overindulgence, health consequences, and the strange allure of the drive-thru.

Society and Cultural Trends:

• The Culture of Political Correctness: Explore the concept of political correctness and how it sometimes goes to extremes, leading to hilariously awkward situations and language policing.
• The Fantasy of Reality TV: Explore the surreal world of reality television and the way it blurs the line between real life and scripted entertainment. How does it shape our perceptions of reality?

How to Write a Satire Essay

Here are the steps to help you write a satire essay effectively:

Satire Essay Writing Checklist

Take a look at our checklist for a satire essay and explore our free examples of satire essays . It’s always much better to find out what good satire essay structure must be like!

• You introduce your topic by explaining why a certain problem exists.
• You provide at least one example of a problem in real-life or describe a fictional character.
• Make sure that there is no anger or offense.
• You keep your tone in a narrative and follow an explanatory way.
• You provide a moral lesson in the final paragraph by explaining things as to “why and how”.
• You edit and proofread your satire essay by checking for logical words and transitions between the paragraphs.

Remember that satire is a form of social commentary, and while it is humorous, it should still convey a message or critique a particular aspect of society or the subject you’re addressing. Use your creativity and wit to craft a compelling satire essay that effectively communicates your perspective while entertaining your readers. Think about exploring satire books in classic literature to see what modern subjects can be suitable. 

10 Free Satire Essay Examples

Funny satire essay examples.

Satire it’s a powerful form of expression that allows writers to poke fun at the quirks and absurdities of our world while delivering insightful social criticism. But satire doesn’t always have to be serious or solemn; it can be downright hilarious! These humorous satirical essay examples are crafted with the sole purpose of making you laugh out loud while offering a satirical take on various aspects of society, culture, and human behavior. 

Famous Satirical Essay Examples 

Famous satirical essay examples showcase the remarkable ability of satire to address serious issues indirectly. Through humor, irony, and sarcasm, these essays provide a lens through which we can examine the absurdities of society, politics, and human behavior. They invite us to question the status quo and see the world through a new and often amusing perspective

These topics provide a starting point for creating famous satirical essays that engage with timeless themes while offering fresh and humorous perspectives on contemporary issues.

Modern Satirical Essay Examples

Modern satirical essay examples capture the spirit of our digitally interconnected world. From social media antics to the challenges of remote work, these essays take a humorous look at the experiences and dilemmas of the 21st century. They highlight the ways technology, politics, and culture intersect in our daily lives

Satire essay examples like the ones mentioned above demonstrate how humor can be a powerful vehicle for social commentary. Satire’s ability to entertain while prompting critical thinking makes it a unique and valuable form of expression.

In conclusion, exploring free satire essays and satire essay examples can be both enlightening and entertaining. It reminds us of the power of humor in addressing serious issues and encourages us to view the world with a more critical eye. So, next time you come across a satire essay, remember that beneath the humor lies a deeper message waiting to be discovered.

Satire on Bullying

Bullying is a prevalent issue in society, especially among young people. It can have serious consequences for the victims, including emotional and psychological trauma. Satire, as a form of humor that uses irony and exaggeration to criticize and ridicule societal issues, can be a powerful…

Voltaire’s Use of Satire in Candide

Voltaire’s novel, Candide, is a classic example of satire. Through the use of wit, humor, and irony, Voltaire challenges the prevailing ideas of his time and criticizes the societal norms and institutions of the 18th century. This essay will explore how Voltaire uses satire in…

Religious Satire in Huck Finn

One of the most debated aspects of the novel is the use of religious satire, particularly in relation to Christianity. In this essay, we will explore the religious satire present in the novel and examine its significance in the context of the story. Huck’s Relationship…

Satirical Elements in WALL-E

WALL-E, a 2008 animated film by Pixar, is often celebrated for its heartwarming story and stunning visuals. However, beneath its surface, the film also contains a number of satirical elements that comment on modern society. Through its portrayal of consumerism, environmental degradation, and human reliance…

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What’s Wrong with Illegal Immigration: Satire

Illegal immigration is a topic that has been widely debated for decades. It refers to the act of entering a country without proper authorization or overstaying a visa. Illegal immigration is a significant issue, and it affects various aspects of society. From economics to security,…

The Satirical and Hopeful Message of Wall-E

Wall-E is a 2008 Pixar film that tells the story of a lonely robot that cleans up the trash-covered Earth while dreaming of finding love. Through its satirical portrayal of contemporary society, modern technology, and capitalism, Wall-E offers a thought-provoking commentary on the current state…

The High School Circus: A Satirical Perspective

High school, the place where young minds are nurtured, friendships are forged, and the foundations of adulthood are laid. Or at least, that’s what they want you to believe. In reality, high school is more like a three-ring circus where the clowns wear backpacks, the…

The Absurdity of Poverty: A Satirical Examination

Imagine a world where the richest 1% of the population holds more wealth than the bottom 90%. Oh wait, that’s not just imagination; that’s reality! In our modern society, poverty has become an art form, a masterpiece of absurdity that leaves us all scratching our…

The Absurdity and Hypocrisy of Dress Codes

One of the most common forms of dress codes is for students in primary and secondary schools. These dress codes often impose restrictions on clothing, such as prohibiting tank tops, shorts, or clothing with offensive or provocative language or imagery. The consequences for breaking the…

The Absurdities of Social Media Culture: A Satirical Reflection

The rise of social media has transformed the way we communicate, consume information, and interact with others. While social media platforms have undoubtedly opened up opportunities for connection and communication, they have also given rise to a new culture that is often absurd, superficial, and…

What is a satire essay?

Although you might have seen rude satirical essay examples, this kind of writing stands for polite fun. The idea of satire is to expose the moral sides of a topic. The most popular satire topics will revolve around politicians, absurd situations, human greed, or even Instagram stars. Most importantly, satire essays should not be insulting or angry in any case!

How to write a satire essay?

The most satire essay examples you will encounter will have a structure that starts with an engaging statement, a famous quote, or an anecdote. You may even tell a story you have seen in person by turning it into a narration. Choose funny satire topics with a light-hearted approach and keep things educational. It has to teach a good lesson!

What makes a satire essay effective?

A satire essay is a piece of writing that uses humor, irony, sarcasm, and exaggeration to criticize or mock a particular subject, such as societal issues, individuals, or institutions. The primary goal is to entertain and provoke thought while highlighting the flaws or absurdities of the subject.

What topics can I satirize in my essay?

You can satirize a wide range of topics, including social issues, politics, popular culture, trends, and human behavior. The key is to choose a subject that you find interesting and that has room for satire.

How do I come up with satirical ideas?

Observe the world around you, paying attention to absurdities, contradictions, and hypocrisy. Satirical ideas often arise from everyday situations and human behavior.

How do I know if my satire essay is successful?

A successful satire essay entertains the reader, makes them think, and effectively critiques the subject. If your essay achieves these goals, it can be considered successful.

The most popular topics for Satire Essay

• Christopher Columbus
• Homelessness
• Illegal Immigration
• Competitive Sports
• Global Warming
• Climate Change
• School Uniform
• Freedom of Speech
• Donald Trump

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Should You Be Funny In Your College Essay + Examples

What’s Covered:

Why are college essays important, should you be funny in your college essay, tips for adding humor to your college essays, essay examples, how to make sure your humor is effective.

College essays are an important part of your application profile. They humanize you and provide you with the opportunity to prove that you’re an interesting individual beyond your grades and test scores. 

Some ways students humanize themselves include reflecting on their values, clueing readers into their backstory, showing off their personalities, or any combination of these. 

One question that may come up with regards to showing off your personality is: can I be funny in my college essay?

Read along to hear our expert opinion on the subject and tips for writing a funny essay, the right way. You can also check out a few examples of essays that have successfully included humor to give you a good idea of what’s appropriate for your writing.

To put it simply, college essays are needed because top colleges have lots of qualified candidates and, to get accepted, you need to stand out. It is estimated that, at top schools, there are at least four academically-qualified applicants for every open spot. This means that students hoping to gain admission to top schools must supplement outstanding grades with other outstanding qualities.

Ways to make yourself stand out include extracurriculars, recommendations and interviews, and essays. At the nation’s top schools, reports tell us that these non-academic factors are weighted respectively as accounting for 30%, 10%, and 25% of your overall admissions chances. The fact that essays account for 25% of your admissions chances means that they could be your key to acceptance at your dream school.

If you are interested in the specific factors that determine how important essays are for individual candidates at individual schools, check out this post .

Essays are heavily weighted in the admissions process because they are the only place where admissions officers get to hear directly from you. An individual’s voice says a lot about them—how mature they are, how comfortable they are with their experiences, and even how likable they are. These are important factors for admissions officers who are trying to see how you would fit in on their campus!

The gist of our answer: if your personality is funny, feel free to be funny! As we’ve said, an important opportunity provided to you by the college essay is the opportunity to show your personality. Humor, if done correctly, can be an important part of that.

That said, if you are only attempting humor because you think it is what admissions officers want to hear or because you think it will help you stand out, abandon ship and find a way to shape your essay that is true to your personality. Try writing down how you view your personality or ask friends and family for adjectives that describe your personality, then show that personality through your voice. It will be more natural this way!

Some elements of personality that could define your voice, if humor isn’t for you:

• Thoughtful/reflective
• Extroverted/social
• Charismatic
• Clever/witty
• Honest/authentic
• Considerate
• Practical/rational

Additionally, if you cannot follow some basic guidelines (listed below) for how to incorporate humor into your essay, you might want to change your course.

1. Be Appropriate

First things first: be appropriate. Humor is, of course, subjective, but make sure your subject matter would be considered appropriate by absolutely anyone reading it. Think about the most traditional person you know and make sure they would be okay with it. No jokes about sex, drugs, lying, crimes, or anything inappropriate—even if the joke is “obviously” against the inappropriate thing you are mentioning.

2. Don’t Be Overly Informal

You want your essay to position you as mature and intelligent, and the way you control language is a sign of maturity and intellect. That said, lots of humor—particularly the humor of young people and internet humor—are based on informality, intentional grammatical errors, and slang. These types of humor, while arguably funny, should be excluded from college essays!

As you write, remember that you know nothing about your admissions officer. Of course, you do not know their age, race, or gender, but you also don’t know their sense of humor. The last thing you want to do is make a joke with an intentional grammatical error and be perceived as unintelligent or make a joke with slang that confuses your reader and makes them think you don’t have a firm grasp of the English language.

3. Avoid Appearing Disrespectful or Inconsiderate

Humor often involves making fun of someone or something. It is very important that you do not make fun of the wrong things! In the last example, the student made fun of themself and their failed cooking experience. That is totally acceptable.

Things that you should not make fun of:

• Other people (particularly those in positions of authority)
• Political ideas
• Religious ideas
• Anything involving ethics, morals, or values

When you make fun of others, you risk sounding cold or unsympathetic. Admissions officers want to admit candidates who are mature and understand that they can never understand the struggles of others. That means you shouldn’t make a cutting joke about your old boss or an unintelligent politician who was running for your city mayor, even if they are the villain in your anecdote.

Similarly, avoid jokes about types of people. Avoid stereotypes in your jokes. 

In general, it is hard to write a humorous essay about a controversial subject. Controversial issues are typically issues that require deep thought and conversation, so if you intend to engage with them, you should consider a more reflective approach, or consider integrating reflection with your humor.

Here is an example of a student successfully poking fun at themself with their humor, while alluding to controversy:

My teenage rebellion started at age twelve. Though not yet technically a teenager, I dedicated myself to the cause: I wore tee shirts with bands on them that made my parents cringe, shopped exclusively at stores with eyebrow-pierced employees, and met every comforting idea the world offered me with hostility. Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools! My cynicism was a product of a world that gave birth to the War in Afghanistan around the same time it gave birth to me, that shot and killed my peers in school, that irreversibly melted ice caps and polluted oceans and destroyed forests. 

I was angry. I fought with my parents, my peers, and strangers. It was me versus the world. 

However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes. As I kept up the fight, I found myself always tired, emotionally and physically. The tipping point came one morning standing at the bathroom sink before school.

This student engages with controversial subject matter, but the humorous parts are the parts where she makes fun of herself and her beliefs— “ Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools!” Additionally, the student follows up their humor with reflection: “ However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes.”

This student is both funny and mature, witty and reflective, and, above all, a good writer with firm control of language.

4. Don’t Force It

We have already mentioned not to force humor, but we are mentioning it again because it is very important! 

Here is an example of a student whose forced humor detracts from the point of their essay:

To say I have always remained in my comfort zone is an understatement. Did I always order chicken fingers and fries at a restaurant? Yup! Sounds like me. Did I always create a color-coded itinerary just for a day trip? Guilty as charged. Did I always carry a first-aid kit at all times? Of course! I would make even an ambulance look unprepared. And yet here I was, choosing 1,000 miles of misery from Las Vegas to Seattle despite every bone in my body telling me not to.

The sunlight blinded my eyes and a wave of nausea swept over me. Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? It was only ten minutes in, and I was certain that the trip was going to be a disaster. I simply hoped that our pre-drive prayer was not stuck in God’s voicemail box. 

As this student attempts to characterize themself as stuck in their ways (to eventually describe how they overcame this desire for comfort), their humor feels gimmicky. They describe their preparedness in a way that comes off as inauthentic. It’s funny to imagine them carrying around a first aid kit everywhere they go, but does the reader believe it? Then, when they write “ Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? ” they create an image of themself as that goofy, overprepared kit in a sitcom. Sitcom characters don’t feel real and the point of a college essay is to make yourself seem like a real person to admissions officers. Don’t sacrifice your essay to humor.

5. Make Sure Your Humor Is Clear

Humor is subjective, so run your essay by people—lots and lots of people—to see if they are confused, offended, or distracted. Ask people to read your essay for content and see if they mention the humor (positively or negatively), but also specifically ask people what they think about the humor. Peer feedback is always important but becomes particularly useful when attempting a humorous essay.

Essay Example #1

Prompt: Tell us an interesting or amusing story about yourself from your high school years. (350 words)

Cooking is one of those activities at which people are either extremely talented or completely inept. Personally, I’ve found that I fall right in the middle, with neither prodigal nor abhorrent talents. After all, it’s just following instructions, right? Unfortunately, one disastrous night in my kitchen has me questioning that logic.

The task was simple enough: cook a turkey stir fry. In theory, it’s an extremely simple dish. However, almost immediately, things went awry. While I was cutting onions, I absentmindedly rubbed at my eyes and smeared my mascara. (Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later.) I then proceeded to add the raw turkey to the vegetable pot. Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.

After a taste test, I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book and “spice up my life”, adding some red chili paste. This was my fatal mistake. The bottle spilled everywhere. Pot, counter, floor, I mean everywhere . While trying to clean up the mess, my hands ended up covered in sauce.

Foolishly, I decided to taste my ruined meal anyway. My tongue felt like it was on fire and I sprinted to the bathroom to rinse my mouth. I looked in the mirror and, noticing the raccoon eyes formed by my mascara, grabbed a tissue. What I had neglected to realize was that chili paste had transferred to the tissue—the tissue which I was using to wipe my eyes. I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t .

I fumbled blindly for the sink handle, mouth still on fire, eyes burning, presumably looking like a character out of a Tim Burton film. After I rinsed my face, I sat down and stared at my bowl of still-too-spicy and probably-somewhat-raw stir fry, wondering what ancient god had decided to take their anger out on me that night, and hoping I would never incur their wrath ever again.

What the Essay Did Well

This essay is an excellent example of how to successfully execute humor. The student’s informal tone helps to bridge the gap between them and the reader, making us feel like we are sitting across the table from them and laughing along. Speaking directly to the reader in sentences like, “ Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later, ” and “ I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t,”  is a great tactic to downplay the formality of the essay.

The student’s humor comes through phrases like “ Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.” As this student plays on the common structure of “As any good (insert profession here) knows,” then subverts expectations, they make an easy-to-understand, casual but not flippant joke.

Similarly, the sentence “ I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book ,” reads in a light-hearted, funny tone. And, importantly, even if a reader had no idea who the Spice Girls were, they would recognize this as a pop-culture joke and would not be confused or lost in any way. The phrase “ raccoon eyes”  is another humorous inclusion—even if the reader doesn’t know what it’s like to rub their eyes while wearing mascara they can picture the rings around a raccoon and imagine the spectacle.

As you can see from this essay, humor works well when you engage universal and inoffensive concepts in ways that are casual enough to be funny, but still comprehensible.

Essay Example #2

Prompt: Due to a series of clerical errors, there is exactly one typo (an extra letter, a removed letter, or an altered letter) in the name of every department at the University of Chicago. Oops! Describe your new intended major. Why are you interested in it and what courses or areas of focus within it might you want to explore? Potential options include Commuter Science, Bromance Languages and Literatures, Pundamentals: Issues and Texts, Ant History… a full list of unmodified majors ready for your editor’s eye is available here. —Inspired by Josh Kaufman, AB’18

When I shared the video of me eating fried insects in Thailand, my friends were seriously offended. Some stopped talking to me, while the rest thought I had lost my mind and recommended me the names of a few psychologists. 

A major in Gastrophysics at UChicago is not for the faint hearted. You have to have a stomach for it! I do hope I am accepted to it as it is the only University in the U.S. with this unique major. My passion for trying unique food such as fish eye has made me want to understand the complexities of how it affects our digestive system. I understand that Gastrophysics started with a big pang of food, which quickly expanded to famish. Bite years are used to measure the amount of food ingested. I look forward to asking, “How many bite years can the stomach hold?” and “How do different enzymes react with the farticles?” 

Gastrophysics truly unravels the physics of food. At UChicago I will understand the intricacies of what time to eat, how to eat and how food will be digested. Do we need to take antiparticle acid if we feel acidity is becoming a matter of concern? At what angle should the mouth be, for the best possible tasting experience? When I tried crocodile meat, I found that at a 0 degree tilt, it tasted like fish and chicken at the same time. But the same tasted more like fish at a negative angle and like chicken at a positive angle. I want to unravel these mysteries in a class by Professor Daniel Holz in gravitational gastrophysics, understanding the unseen strong and weak forces at play which attract food to our stomachs. 

I find that Gastrophysics is also important for fastronomy. I want to learn the physics of fasting. How should we fast? Hubble bubble is a good chewing gum; an appetite suppressant in case you feel pangs of hunger. I have read how the UChicago Fastronauts are stepping up to test uncharted territories. Intermittent fasting is a new method being researched, and UChicago offers the opportunity for furthering this research. Which is better: fasting for 16 hours and eating for 8, or fasting for 24 hours twice a week? It is just one of the problems that UChicago offers a chance to solve. 

I can also study the new branch it offers that uses farticle physics. It is the science of tracking farticles and how they interact with each other and chemicals in the stomach space. It could give rise to supernovae explosions, turning people into gas giants. It would also teach about the best ways to expel gas and clean the system and prevent stomach space expansion. 

I want to take Fluid dynamics 101, another important course in Gastrophysics; teaching about the importance of water and other fluids in the body, and the most important question: what happens if you try to drink superfluids? 

I hope to do interdisciplinary courses with observational gastrophysicists and work with environmental science majors to track how much methane is given by the human and animal gastrointestinal tract in the atmosphere and how much it contributes to the global climate change. I believe, with the help of courses in date science, they have been able to keep a track of how much methane is entering each day, and they found that during Dec 24-Jan 3 period, a spike in the methane and ethane levels could be seen. Accordingly, algorithms are being programmed to predict the changes all year round. I would love to use my strong mathematical background to explore these algorithms. 

These courses are specially designed by the distinguished faculty of UChicago. Doing interdisciplinary research in collaboration with biological science students to determine what aliens may eat, with fart historians to know more about the intestinal structure of medieval Italians, Japanese, Chinese, Swedish and French people to better their lives is what I look forward to. The Paris study abroad program is an immersion course into fastronomy, where I will have the opportunity to test my self-control with all the amazing French food and desserts around! 

My stomach rumbles now, so I am going out to try out new food – hopefully it will be in Chicago a few months later. 

This is a fun essay! This student’s voice is present and their goofy personality is especially evident. Not only did they change the name of their major, but this student incorporated word play throughout the essay to showcase their imagination. Phrases like “ the big pang of food ”, “ bite years ”, “ fastronauts ”, and “ farticle physics ” keep the tone lighthearted and amusing.

Incorporating this style of humor takes a lot of creativity to be able to still convey your main idea while also earning a chuckle from your readers. While some jokes are a bit more low-brow—” farticles ” or “ fart historians ” for example—they are balanced out by some that are more clever and require a bit of thinking to get the A-ha moment (referencing the Hubble telescope as “ Hubble bubble chewing gum “). You might not feel comfortable including less sophisticated jokes in your essay at all, but if you do want to go down that path, having more intellectual sources of humor is important to provide balance.

Another positive of the essay is the continued thread of humor throughout. Sometimes humor is used as a tool in the introduction and abandoned in favor of practical information about the student. This essay manages to tell us about the student and their interests without sacrificing the laugh factor. Weaving humor throughout the essay like this makes the humor feel more genuine and helps us better understand this student’s personality.  

Essay Example #3

Prompt:   Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you want to learn more? (650 words)

Scalding hot water cascades over me, crashing to the ground in a familiar, soothing rhythm. Steam rises to the ceiling as dried sweat and soap suds swirl down the drain. The water hisses as it hits my skin, far above the safe temperature for a shower. The pressure is perfect on my tired muscles, easing the aches and bruises from a rough bout of sparring and the tension from a long, stressful day. The noise from my overactive mind dies away, fading into music, lyrics floating through my head. Black streaks stripe the inside of my left arm, remnants of the penned reminders of homework, money owed and forms due. 

It lacks the same dynamism and controlled intensity of sparring on the mat at taekwondo or the warm tenderness of a tight hug from my father, but it’s still a cocoon of safety as the water washes away the day’s burdens. As long as the hot water is running, the rest of the world ceases to exist, shrinking to me, myself and I. The shower curtain closes me off from the hectic world spinning around me. 

Much like the baths of Blanche DuBois, my hot showers are a means of cleansing and purifying (though I’m mostly just ridding myself of the germs from children at work sneezing on me). In the midst of a hot shower, there is no impending exam to study for, no newspaper deadline to meet, no paycheck to deposit. It is simply complete and utter peace, a safe haven. The steam clears my mind even as it clouds my mirror. 

Creativity thrives in the tub, breathing life into tales of dragons and warrior princesses that evolve only in my head, never making their way to paper but appeasing the childlike dreamer and wannabe author in me all the same. That one calculus problem that has seemed unsolvable since second period clicks into place as I realize the obvious solution. The perfect concluding sentence to my literary analysis essay writes itself (causing me to abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely).  

Ever since I was old enough to start taking showers unaided, I began hogging all the hot water in the house, a source of great frustration to my parents. Many of my early showers were rudely cut short by an unholy banging on the bathroom door and an order to “stop wasting water and come eat dinner before it gets cold.” After a decade of trudging up the stairs every evening to put an end to my water-wasting, my parents finally gave in, leaving me to my (expensive) showers. I imagine someday, when paying the water bill is in my hands, my showers will be shorter, but today is not that day (nor, hopefully, will the next four years be that day). 

Showers are better than any ibuprofen, the perfect panacea for life’s daily ailments. Headaches magically disappear as long as the water runs, though they typically return in full force afterward. The runny nose and itchy eyes courtesy of summertime allergies recede. Showers alleviate even the stomachache from a guacamole-induced lack of self-control. 

Honestly though, the best part about a hot shower is neither its medicinal abilities nor its blissful temporary isolation or even the heavenly warmth seeped deep into my bones. The best part is that these little moments of pure, uninhibited contentedness are a daily occurrence. No matter how stressful the day, showers ensure I always have something to look forward to. They are small moments, true, but important nonetheless, because it is the little things in life that matter; the big moments are too rare, too fleeting to make anyone truly happy. Wherever I am in the world, whatever fate chooses to throw at me, I know I can always find my peace at the end of the day behind the shower curtain.

While the humor in this essay isn’t as direct as the others, the subtle inclusion of little phrases in parentheses throughout the essay bring some comedy without feeling overbearing. 

The contrast of elegant and posh Blanche DuBois and “ germs from children at work sneezing on me ” paints an ironic picture that you can’t help but laugh at. The ability to describe universal experiences also brings a level of humor to the essay. For example, the reader might laugh at the line, “ abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely,”  because it brings to mind moments when they have done the same.

This student also achieves a humorous tone by poking fun at themselves. Admitting that they were “ hogging all the hot water, ” leading to “ (expensive) showers, ” as well as describing their stomachache as a “ guacamole-induced lack of self-control, ” keeps the tone casual and easy-going. Everybody has their flaws, and in this case long showers and guacamole are the downfall of this student.

While the tips and tricks we’ve given you will be extremely helpful when writing, it’s often not that simple. Feedback is ultimately any writer’s best source of improvement—especially when it comes to an element like humor which, naturally, can be hit-or-miss! 

To get your college essay edited for free, use our Peer Review Essay Tool . With this tool, other students can tell you if your humor is effective/appropriate and help you improve your essay so that you can have the best chances of admission to your dream schools.

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

Related CollegeVine Blog Posts

Definition and Examples of Humorous Essays

Glossary of Grammatical and Rhetorical Terms

• An Introduction to Punctuation
• Ph.D., Rhetoric and English, University of Georgia
• M.A., Modern English and American Literature, University of Leicester
• B.A., English, State University of New York

A humorous essay is a type of personal  or familiar essay that has the primary aim of amusing readers rather than informing or persuading them. Also called a comic essay or light essay .

Humorous essays often rely on narration and description as dominant rhetorical and  organizational strategies .

Notable writers of humorous essays in English include Dave Barry, Max Beerbohm, Robert Benchley, Ian Frazier, Garrison Keillor, Stephen Leacock, Fran Lebowitz, Dorothy Parker, David Sedaris, James Thurber, Mark Twain, and E.B. White—among countless others. (Many of these comic writers are represented in our collection of  Classic British and American Essays and Speeches .)

Observations

• "What makes the humorous essay different from other forms of essay writing is . . . well . . . it's the humor. There must be something in it that prompts the readers to smile, chuckle, guffaw, or choke on their own laughter. In addition to organizing your material, you must search out the fun in your topic." (Gene Perret, Damn! That's Funny!: Writing Humor You Can Sell . Quill Driver Books, 2005)
• "On the basis of a long view of the history of the humorous essay , one could, if reducing the form to its essentials, say that while it can be aphoristic , quick, and witty, it more often harks back to the 17th-century character 's slower, fuller descriptions of eccentricities and foibles—sometimes another's, sometimes the essayist 's, but usually both." (Ned Stuckey-French, "Humorous Essay." Encyclopedia of the Essay , ed. by Tracy Chevalier. Fitzroy Dearborn Publishers, 1997)
• "Because of fewer constraints, humorous essays allow for genuine feelings of joy, anger, sorrow and delight to be expressed. In short, in Western literature the humorous essay is by and large the most ingenious type of literary essay. Every person who writes humorous essays, in addition to having a lively writing style , must first possess a unique understanding that comes from observing life." (Lin Yutang, "On Humour," 1932. Joseph C. Sample, "Contextualizing Lin Yutang's Essay 'On Humour': Introduction and Translation." Humour in Chinese Life and Letters , ed. by J.M. Davis and J. Chey. Hong Kong University Press, 2011)
• Three Quick Tips for Composing a Humorous Essay 1. You need a story, not just jokes. If your goal is to write compelling nonfiction , the story must always come first—what is it you are meaning to show us, and why should the reader care? It is when the humor takes a backseat to the story being told that the humorous essay is most effective and the finest writing is done. 2. The humorous essay is no place to be mean or spiteful. You can probably skewer a politician or personal injury lawyer with abandon, but you should be gentle when mocking the common man. If you seem mean-spirited, if you take cheap shots, we aren't so willing to laugh. 3. The funniest people don't guffaw at their own jokes or wave big "look at how funny I am" banners over their heads. Nothing kills a joke more than the joke teller slamming a bony elbow into your ribs, winking, and shouting, 'Was that funny, or what?' Subtlety is your most effective tool. (Dinty W. Moore, Crafting the Personal Essay: A Guide for Writing and Publishing Creative Nonfiction . Writer's Digest Books, 2010)
• Finding a Title for a Humorous Essay "Whenever I've written, say, a humorous essay (or what I think passes as a humorous essay), and I can't come up with any title at all that seems to fit the piece, it usually means the piece hasn't really congealed as it should have. The more I unsuccessfully cast about for a title that speaks to the point of the piece, the more I realize that maybe, just maybe, the piece doesn't have a single, clear point. Maybe it's grown too diffuse, or it rambles around over too much ground. What did I think was so funny in the first place?" (Robert Masello, Robert's Rules of Writing . Writer's Digest Books, 2005)
• Examples of Great Introductory Paragraphs
• Definition and Examples of Formal Essays
• Appeal to Humor as Fallacy
• Mark Twain: His Life and His Humor
• Understanding Organization in Composition and Speech
• Definition and Examples of Anticlimax in Rhetoric
• Humor and Violence in Flannery O'Connor's 'A Good Man Is Hard to Find'
• Yes, There Are Chemistry Jokes and They Are Funny
• What the @#$%&! Is a Grawlix?
• "Grace" and "Gracia" Are Derived From the Same Root
• What Is a Personal Essay (Personal Statement)?
• Definition and Examples of Narratives in Writing
• What is a Familiar Essay in Composition?
• What Is a Malapropism? Definition and Examples
• 19 Russian Memes to Improve Your Language Skills With Humor

Comedic writing: How to write a funny story

Comedic writing is hard to master, but understanding types of comedy, what makes a funny story work, the visceral ‘huh’ and more will help you connect with your readers’ funny bones.

• Post author By Jordan
• 2 Comments on Comedic writing: How to write a funny story

Funny, comedic writing is hard. Senses of humor vary in what people find amusing. Read a guide to how to write a funny story. Explore types of humor and comedy genres, humor writing tips from stand-up and comedy icons, and examples of different types of comedy writing. Bear in mind that these funny ideas and elements can be incorporated into just about any genre as well. The funniest writing comes from universal experiences that we are all familiar with. 

14 types of comedy

One of the challenges of comedic writing is that there are so many distinct types of humor. Read a quick breakdown of fourteen types:

• Jokes are short stories or one-liners that consist of a setup and a punchline. For instance, ‘My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo’ ( via Bored Panda ).
• Situational comedy or sitcom is a type of humor that draws laughter from funny and absurd situations (e.g. farce which often features ludicrously absurd situations). Michael Frayn’s play Noises Off (1982), in which a technical rehearsal for a play keeps going wrong, sending its director into a rage, is a great example.
• Romantic comedy or romcom is a comic movie (or book) that finds humor in the development of a romantic relationship. When Harry Met Sally (1989), starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, is a genre-defining romcom.
• Dark comedy , also known as black comedy, is humor that finds the funny side in darker or more tragic subject matter. Caimh McDonnell’s A Man with One of Those Faces (2016) combines crime, murder and comedy.
• Cringe comedy is a type of humor that derives its laughter from awkward characters and situations, guilty pleasure, and personal distress. It falls under dry humor. Larry David’s HBO show, Curb Your Enthusiasm , is a peak example of this.
• Satire is a type of comedy that uses humor, irony, and exaggeration to expose society’s stupidity, bigotry, or other vices. Viet Thanh Nguyen’s The Sympathizer is an example that uses humor to satirize but also indict the Vietnam War.
• Parody is the imitation of a writer’s style or genre with intentional exaggeration for comic effect. Tim Burton’s alien invasion spoof, Mars Attacks! , and Henry N. Beard and Douglas C. Kenney’s Bored of the Rings , which satirizes Tolkien’s epic fantasy cycle, are examples of this.
• Self-deprecating humor is when a comedic writer pokes fun at themselves. For example, they might use embarrassing experiences as material. David Sedaris’ comedic memoir/essays often find humor in his OCD, embarrassing childhood stories, and other self-deprecating subjects.
• Insult comedy is humor based on true, painful, or exaggerated observations about others. The comedy roast is a perfect example of this. Jeff Ross’ roast of Bruce Willis showcases this type of humor [warning: Strong language].
• Physical comedy is humor that uses the body, techniques such as mime or clowning for laughs. The films of Charlie Chaplin that use slapstick are an example.
• Surreal comedy is humor that uses absurdism or dream-like logic for laughs, such as Monty Python’s ‘dead parrot’ sketch .
• Wordplay plays with language, such as a pun or double entendre . Ex: Mae West’s quip: ‘I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.’
• Blue humor is adult, often provocative, sexual or deliberately in bad taste. For example, Mae West’s bawdier inversion of a popular saying, ‘A hard man is good to find.’
• Anti-humor uses bathos or anticlimax . The expected punchline is replaced with something simple, unfunny, or painfully obvious. The so-called ‘dad joke’ is an example – ‘A man walks into a bar … ouch.’

GET YOUR FREE GUIDE TO SCENE STRUCTURE

Read a guide to writing scenes with purpose that move your story forward.

Comedy genres in literature

What are the main comedy genres in books?

Satirical or political comedy

Think of Joseph Heller’s 1961 satirical anti-war novel Catch-22 . It follows anti-hero Captain John Yossarian and examines the absurdity of war and military life:

What is a country? A country is a piece of land surrounded on all sides by boundaries, usually unnatural. Englishmen are dying for England, Americans are dying for America, Germans are dying for Germany, Russians are dying for Russia. There are now fifty or sixty countries fighting in this war. Surely so many countries can’t all be worth dying for. Joseph Heller, Catch-22.

Comic essays and memoir

Comedic essays and memoir remain popular. Geoff Dyer is an example of an author in this category, having authored books such as Out of Sheer Rage : Wrestling with D.H. Lawrence , about all the ways the author avoided writing a book about the writer D.H. Lawrence. It is part- catalogue of procrastination, part-travelogue:

London is the worst. Lawrence realised this in 1916: London was ‘so foul’, he reckoned, that ‘one would die in it in a fortnight’. Since then it’s got even worse. Now it’s the world capital of flu. The sky in London drizzles flu, it rains flu. People from all over the world go there and get flu. Whether they come to see the changing of the guard, or to take ecstasy at raves, they all end up getting flu. Geoff Dyer, Out of Sheer Rage: Wrestling with D.H. Lawrence .

Some non-fiction writers are just naturally funny, such as Bill Bryson and David Sedaris. Here the comedy is in the writing. Let’s look at an example from Bryson’s The Road to Little Dribbling: 

One of the things that happens when you get older is that you discover lots of new ways to hurt yourself. Recently, in France, I was hit square on the head by an automatic parking barrier, something I don’t think I could have managed in my younger, more alert years. There are really only two ways to get hit on the head by a parking barrier. One is to stand underneath a raised barrier and purposely allow it to fall on you. That is the easy way, obviously. The other method – and this is where a little diminished mental capacity can go a long way – is to forget the barrier you have just seen rise, step into the space it has vacated and stand with lips pursed while considering your next move, and then be taken completely by surprise as it slams down on your head like a sledgehammer on a spike. That is the method I went for.

Comic genre spoof and parody

Many funny books spoof a genre and its silliness, clichés, habits.

In Bored of the Rings , Frito (Frodo’s namesake) wonders whether he could just throw the One Ring down a storm drain and be done with it.

Comic fantasy is one type of genre hybrid that often uses parody. Sir Terry Pratchett is widely considered the master in how he lampoons elements of the fantasy tradition, such as outlandish worldbuilding elements, fantasy races, and plot tropes.

The humor category on Amazon shows just how eclectic comedy is in its inspirations and niches. From ‘Business & Professional’ through ‘Cooking’ to ‘Urban Legends’.

Many of the current humor bestsellers (as of March 2023) have some kind of censored curse word in the title (contemporary comedy often falls back on the un subtle art of not giving a f**k).

How to write a funny story: From comical concepts to comedy gold

As the types of comedy writing outlined above remind us, comedic writing runs from the deliberately lame to the edgy and risqué.

Read tips on how to write a funny story with ideas from of comedic writing in English in books, film and TV.

For a story to be funny, the concept must first hold enough potential for comedy.

Repetition and suspense are common ingredients of funny writing (and dramatic irony).

Zhubin Parang (producer and writer on The Daily Show ) says ‘the visceral ‘huh?’ is a key comedy element.

How and why do your favorite comedy books, TV shows and films make you laugh? Take notes.

A shtick is a comic routine, style of performance or gimmick (e.g. Diane Morgan’s shtick pretending to be an uninformed, idiotic interviewer).

In comedic writing, producing more material than required lets you choose the best jokes.

Browse through comedy titles for ideas (such as David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day or the Tolkien spoof Bored of the Rings ).

There’s that saying ‘brevity is the soul of wit’. Don’t make the path to the punchline too convoluted or meandering ( unless that in itself is the joke ).

Let’s expand on the comedic writing tips above.

Start with a funny concept

Just as a magical fantasy story starts with a fantastical concept, a laugh-out-loud story starts with a funny concept.

Scott Dikkers, founder and longest-serving editor-in-chief of the satirical news site The Onion , wrote a series of guides to comedic writing.

On comedy concepts, Dikkers says:

When you write humor, the core concept you’re writing about has to be funny. The core concept is, in fact, the most important part of your writing […] You need to be able to express your concept in a single line or sentence, with as few words as possible. Scott Dikkers, How to Write Funny: Your serious, step-by-step blueprint for creating incredibly, irresistibly, successfully hilarious writing , location 162.

How can you find a funny concept?

There are many ways to develop a comedy idea:

• Draw from life. What’s an absurd or funny-in-hindsight situation or experience that’s left you in stitches?
• Go where there’s feeling. What drives you nuts? What has always struck you as ridiculous, ludicrous, bizarre, infuriating? Many comedic writers turn bugbears and pet peeves into comedy routines. See Diane Morgan, ‘Boys are Always Popular when they’re Murdered’ , for example. Or Hannibal Buress on why jaywalking is a ‘fantasy crime’ .
• Read humor and drama. The wider the web of your inspiration, the more sources to draw on and the wider your field of reference.
• Play with comedy subtext. Comedy has subtext. For example, ‘getting’ a joke such as that Bored Panda joke about the grandfather who has the heart of a lion (and a lifetime ban from the zoo) requires us to understand the subtext (that ‘to have the heart of’ something has figurative and literal meanings). What laugh-bringing realization will your next funny line hinge on?
• Brainstorm funny ‘what if’ scenarios. What if a man tried to return a dead parrot to a pet shop (as in Monty Python), for example. What if absolutely everything at a funeral went wrong (to hilarious effect)?

Additionally, try writing your comedy concept as a single line as Dikkers advises. If you must explain the concept in paragraphs, it may be too convoluted.

Another important note to consider is that sometimes funny stories or anecdotes are funnier than actual jokes. See how you can incorporate these funny stories into your writing.

Joan Rivers, on channeling strong feelings into comedy:

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers, interviewed by The Jewish Chronicle, October 29 2010.

Comedy writing exercises

To find a funny story idea, try this exercise by humorist Donna Cavanagh:

Write down memories of past embarrassing moments and see if you can turn mortification into mirth. Donna Cavanagh, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans , 2016, Location 415.

Another exercise to find a funny story idea: Write down three things you find funny. Imagine a scenario involving who, what, why, where and when for each. Try to write a funny story idea as one sentence.

Example: 1. Funny orchestra mishaps [ Ed’s note: Funny incidents such as a brass player sneezing into their trombone ]. 2. Awkward situations that just get worse. 3. Human foibles.

Scenario sentence: A trombone player who’s allergic to dust is called upon to play in a historical building last swept in 1983 and the concert is a series of mishaps culminating in him sneezing into his trombone in the slow movement.

Develop comedic repetition and suspense

A lot of the success in comedic writing for stage or film lies in comedic timing. What are two kinds of timing in humor writing, two building blocks of funny stories? Comedic repetition and suspense.

Repetition in comedic writing

Repetition at its simplest level is like the ‘knock-knock’ joke’s structure of call and response: ‘Knock-knock… who’s there?’.

In comedic writing, elements that add hilarity through repetition include:

• Characters’ catchphrases, tics, and quirks. The way Elmer Fudd’s difficulty saying ‘r’ in Looney Tunes, for example, makes it funny when he starts ranting about Bugs Bunny and ‘wascally wabbits’.
• Repetition with surprise or comical circularity. For example, in the cult TV series Twin Peaks , James asks Donna, who’s visiting him in the sheriff’s holding cells, “When did you start smokin’?” when she lights up a cigarette. Donna replies, “I smoke every once in a while. Helps relieve tension.” James asks, “When did you get so tense?” to which Donna replies, “When I started smoking.”
• Running jokes and gags. Popular in humor writing for TV series in particular, running jokes ( such as Buster Bluth’s extra-mural lessons that haven’t taught him much at all in Arrested Development ) get finessed and added to with repetition, brought up and revisited in new contexts in a way that adds to their hilarity.
• Recurring theme. For example in the 1990s/early 2000s sitcom Frasier , it’s clear to us, and the rest of the cast, that Frasier’s brother, Nyles, is smitten with Daphne. But Daphne remains unaware of this, and this theme runs throughout the series until – spoiler alert! – Daphne and Nyles finally get it together.

Suspense and nervous laughter

Comedic writing shares something in common with mystery/thriller writing: The build up of anticipation, or suspense .

Campy slasher films, a sort of comedy-horror genre, often make audiences laugh. It’s the nervous laughter that ensues when characters make foolish choices that make viewers want to yell at the screen (‘Don’t go into that creepy house!). ‘Person makes stupid choice’ is an endless fount of comedy ideas.

Suspense in comedy builds from waiting for the punchline or left turn, the outcome of that choice.

If suspense in dramatic writing means anticipating the bad, in comedy, it’s anticipating the hilariously or embarrassingly bad (for example, waiting for parents’ reaction to their new son-in-law accidentally breaking a beloved relative’s urn in Meet the Fockers ).

Observe and embrace absurdity

Comedic writing draws on observing – recognizing – the absurdity of everyday life.

It may be the Sisyphean (a task that can never be completed) aspect of work or relationships, for example.

In an existential comedy scenario , a chef perhaps keeps getting a meal sent back to the kitchen by a fussy table with exceptionally petty demands, until she explodes in a comical or cringeworthy way.

Many jokes in stand-up and other forms of comedy writing have become clichéd (such as jokes about airline food being terrible) because they repeat what we know to be true. Fresh humor, by contrast, often makes the familiar experience or scenario (e.g. ‘meeting the parents’) seem newly absurd.

Often in comedic writing, there’s a thin line between pain and laughter. The schadenfreude or voyeuristic pleasure of others’ misfortunes becomes funny because its relatable. We feel the pain of the kid bowled over by the Labrador on the beach. Tweet This

Ed ‘s note: A friend would tell the funny story of going to an ice cream shop where a very disinterested shop worker leant on the counter, chewing gum. “You want a cone or a cup?” she muttered, after he’d made his choices of flavors. “Cup, please,” he said. She paused, chewed a bit. “Don’t have.”

Bizarre and absurd situations are goldmines for existential and other types of comedy showcasing human foibles, miscommunications and vices. Tweet This

Comedy writer and producer Zhubin Parang speaks of the ‘visceral ‘huh?” moment – ‘situations that don’t go the way they should, or people who respond to an event or idea in a different way than they should’, as in the ice cream shop example above.

This is something to mine for funny writing ideas .

Take notes on comedy books and shows

🗣️ What are your favorite funny books and TV shows?

Tell us your recommendations in the comments. You can learn a lot from comedy shows and stand-up comedy you enjoy about comic writing devices such as setup and punchline, or the unexpected turn. Tell us a funny anecdote. 

Comedic writing exercise: The anatomy of laughter

Take a piece of funny writing or a stand up segment and ask the following questions:

• What devices is the writer using for humorous effect? Is there wit and wordplay? Satire? Clever repetition? Irony?
• How does the writer use language to comedic effect? Is there a mix of high and low (e.g. formal and slang) language? Do they curse? Is there exaggeration or understatement?
• What part of the story or script did you find funniest? Why? Was it an unexpected word, phrase, outcome, revelation? An everyday object or experience the comic reframed in a new light?

Explore funny shticks

The word ‘shtick’ means ‘a gimmick, comic routine, style of performance, etc. associated with a particular person’ ( Oxford Languages ). It is of Yiddish origin, from the German word for ‘piece’, st ü ck .

In comedic writing, creating a character with a shtick supplies a range of scenarios to fill with funny material.

In the series Cunk on Earth , for example, Diane Morgan’s shtick is the setup that she’s an uninformed interviewer narrating a historical documentary about human history – art, culture, religion, conflict.

Her fictional character, Philomena Cunk, asks Oxford and Cambridge professors questions such as, ‘When the Egyptians built the pyramids, did they start at the top or the bottom?’

There are several funny aspects to the character that make up the shtick, including:

• Random anecdotes she throws in about ‘my mate Paul’ who gets into all kinds of tricky situations
• Deliberate mispronunciations (such as pronouncing ‘The Bible’ as ‘The Bibble’ or the ‘Soviet Union’ as the ‘Soviet Onion’)
• Responding with slang and ‘low register’ to academic interviewees who use much more formal language (e.g. ‘Yer jokin’!’ or ‘Are you havin’ a laugh?)
• Running bits/gags (every episode references and plays a segment of Belgian producers Technotronic’s song ‘Pump Up the Jam’, with funny and nonsense text overlays stating random or made-up facts)

Think of one of your favorite comical characters from fiction. What sayings, habits, physical gestures, and other quirks make up their ‘shtick’? Think of Douglas Adams’ aliens, who torture humans with their terrible poetry.

Talking of characterization, remember that even humor writing has to have realistic characters. TV sitcoms often have really silly characters, too silly to be believable. Think of the 1980s sitcom, The Golden Girls, for example. Rose Nylund (played by Betty White) is the daffy one, rather too gullible and naïve, which played into the humor of the show. While popular with audiences, her characters borders on being on the wrong side of believable. 

Write surplus comedy material

A good piece of advice on how to write a funny story Dikkers gives in his comedy manuals is this: Write more material than you need.

Just as stand-up comedians don’t share the jokes that don’t make it on stage, comedic writers – whether writing fiction or screenplays – don’t share the pages that didn’t make it to the final draft or production. Tweet This

Blooper reels are extra.

The benefits of brainstorming and churning out ideas , multiple options, are:

• Digging deeper than the ‘easy’ laughs. Churning out lines gets the obvious ideas out the way. Comedian and actress Wanda Sykes shared with Kevin Hart in a podcast that her audience expects more than the easy, obvious joke (and that bringing her self – her politics – to her comedy helped her create funnier, more original material)
• Surplus comedic material to select the funniest jokes. Zhubin Parang, who was head writer for Comedy Central’s The Daily Show with Trevor Noah , says, ‘You always need to tighten, tighten, tighten. Every first draft has way too many words, extra thoughts or side ideas.’ Writing extra material gives this tightening process more material to work with

Hint it’s funny from the title

Think of titles of comedic fiction and non-fiction, such as:

• The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
• Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher
• A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace
• Sombrero Fallout by Richard Brautigan

These are titles with wordplay (e.g. Fisher’s play on the phrase ‘wishful thinking’), absurd humor (the idea of a hitchhiking guide to a place so gargantuan), droll and random humor.

Your title is an opportunity to both signal that your book is a work of humor writing, and to signal its contents (e.g. Fisher’s memoir hinting at the memoir’s one subject of substance addiction).

Make it accessible and easy to read

Finally, effective comedic writing doesn’t need ‘thee’ and ‘thou’ and highfalutin’ convolution. (Unless it’s the Ben Elton -penned sitcom about Shakespeare and his trials and frustrations, Upstart Crow ).

There is an accessibility of style often to comedic writing. We mostly get the joke (without excessive explanation). Except in a brand of ‘random’ humor that relies more on a ‘visceral huh’ than ‘setup’ and ‘punchline’.

Mostly, style services the humor. Savage, biting satire is concise and punchy. Screwball and madcap comedy goes off the rails more.

In the Irish comedy series Derry Girls , there’s a wordy uncle named Colm who drives everyone mad with his long-winded, meandering storytelling .

This ‘shtick’ recurs as a plot device (the group of school friends who are the main characters use him to get out of being arrested for trespassing, for example).

The humor here is in how inaccessible, uninteresting, and infuriatingly boring Colm’s stories are. It’s a good reminder that there’s always an exception to the rule. However, the situational humor when characters are stuck with Colm is easy to read – the absurdity of getting trapped in a conversation you don’t want to have is a relatable, comedic situation.

Think how you can slip one-liners into your story. Even if a story is serious and gritty, you can lighten up the tone by inserting humorous bits and pieces in a story. Clever wordplay and puns can add humor to your writing. Look for opportunities to play with language, incorporate double meanings, or create humorous juxtapositions of words.

What is your style of humor in your every day life? Use your natural sense of humor. Think how you can inject that into your own writing.

🗣️ What’s a funny book or show you found relatable and why? Tell us in the comments

Join Now Novel for writing feedback on your next humor piece, writing webinars, story outlining tools and more.

The entire experience has been uplifting beyond words. Coaches have been so deeply compassionate and real, as well as incredibly timely and polite. – Jerry

Related Posts:

• How do you write a story using three-act structure?
• How do you write a dystopian story? 5 tips
• How to write the middle of a story: 9 tips

Jordan is a writer, editor, community manager and product developer. He received his BA Honours in English Literature and his undergraduate in English Literature and Music from the University of Cape Town.

2 replies on “Comedic writing: How to write a funny story”

This was so fun! I especially enjoyed “highfalutin’ convolution” 😁 Here’s one of my favorites: “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” ― Mitch Hedberg

Haha, I love that, Margriet. Thanks for sharing.

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Writing a Funny Narrative Essay

How to write a funny narrative essay.

We all like a great story – whether it’s a book we read, a movie we see, or a friend or relative recalling some memorable event. And if that story is especially funny, scary, exciting, or poignant, we stay interested as it is being told. As a student, you will have many opportunities to write narrative essays – in almost every English class you take from 9 th grade forward, all the way through college and for admissions and scholarship requirements. In any of these instances, especially when you have a choice of topics, a great way to capture the attention of your reader is to write a funny narrative essay. Most students will write serious narratives, unless they have prompts that force them to do otherwise, so your funny narrative will be welcome relief to readers, even college admissions decision makers!

Defining the Narrative

The most common belief about a narrative essay is that it tells a story, and this is absolutely true. When you write one, you are going to put a slice of your life “out there” for the reader to see. So, several narrative essay writing prompts would be as follows:

• Your most frightening experience
• The happiest moment in your life thus far
• The best vacation you ever took
• The most embarrassing moment you have had
• An event that changed your life
• An experience that forced you to question a basic belief or value
• An experience in which you had a leadership role

Narrative essays are meant to reveal something about you. Given this additional part of the definition, the narrative essay may not necessarily tell a full story but may, instead, demonstrate how you feel or might act. For example, here are some prompts that might also be considered correct for a narrative essay:

• If I had to evacuate my home in 5 minutes, what would I grab?
• Who are three of my heroes?
• Something I need or want that has not yet been invented.
• A secret talent I have that no one knows about.
• A secret adventure I want to have.
• If I could be someone else for a day, who would I choose?
• If I won the lottery, here’s what I would do.
• If I would spend one day with someone who is dead, who would that be?

These essay prompts will not lead you into actually telling a story with a plot. They will provide the reader a glimpse into who you are, what you consider important, and what some of your dreams may be. And in this respect they are considered personal narratives.

Writing the Narrative Essay that has Much More than a Grade at Stake

The personal narrative essay for college admissions or for a scholarship competition is a pretty important piece of writing. It may be the final determining factor in a choice between you and another candidate for admission to the college you really want to attend. It may mean money that will mean you can actually go to college or that at least will reduce the amount of money you may have to borrow to do so. With so much riding on these essays, you absolutely have to get them right.

Of course, you understand the importance of having a perfectly composed piece of writing – great grammar, punctuation, vocabulary, along with a really engaging introduction that intrigues your reader immediately. But also critically important will be the topic you choose from among the prompt and how you decide to “treat” that topic. That is why applicants may need assistance of cheap custom writing services .

Most students spend a good amount of time weighing the essay prompts and ultimately choosing one that they feel will reveal really important and exceptional things about themselves. Some students choose college admission essay services to assign such an important task. And this is as it should be. Then they set about to write a very serious essay – one that they believe will keep the reader interested throughout. And thousands of very serious essays result in admissions and scholarship awards because they do just that.

Buy essay writing online and save your time!

Finding Humor in the Serious

It is perfectly okay to think “outside the box” and to treat a serious topic with humor, if you can do it well. Suppose, for example, that you have selected an essay prompt that has asked you to recall a time when you had to use critical thinking and problem-solving skills and to describe the process you went through to solve a problem. A winning essay on this topic was written by a candidate for admissions to an Ivy League school. Not only was she admitted (of course she met the other qualifications), but her essay received acclaim and has been published all over the web. Her story? How she used critical thinking and problem-solving skills to kill a fly that had been annoying her all day! The essay was hysterically funny and yet demonstrated her thought processes quite well. Other funny narrative essay topics on this topic could be the following:

• How you found your car in a parking garage when you had no idea on what level you had parked.
• How you managed to feed yourself for a week with only $10.00 in your pocket.

Finding a funny narrative essay within the stack of all of the serious ones causes a reader to take notice, to appreciate the “comic relief” and makes you essay much more memorable. Spend some time thinking over those essay prompts you are given. Come up with narrative essay topic ideas that are unique and humorous – you’ll have fun writing them!

Blog writer for GrabMyEssay

Andy Preisler

I’m Andy Preisler, and I’m super happy to be joining the blog team at GrabMyEssay.com!

While I hail from Fayetteville, Arkansas (I know, not the most progressive state!), I left the Southern life behind me many years ago when I went to college for my first degree. I’ve received it in University of Arkansas, Fayetteville and I’m really proud of this. Since then, I have studied in the U.S., and later on, continued my education in Loughborough University, UK, where I actually my second Bachelor’s Degree along the way.

With my perpetual studies (my parents wonder if it will ever stop), I have become a bit of an expert on college life – academic, social, and financial – and love sharing my experiences and my methods of “circumventing the system” with others.  I will be sharing all of these great tips and strategies with my readers, so stay tuned!

When I am not blogging or enrolling in some new course that interests me, I am backpacking through Europe and staying in hostels, working on my second novel (a riveting murder mystery), and pursuing my interest in music. Yes, I travel with my guitar, and you would be amazed at the amount of cash I can accumulate, just performing on the streets of European cities (they are so much more tolerant of vagabond musicians). 

My other passion is environmental. In my short 27 years of life on this planet, I have witnessed the extinction of species, the destruction of rain forests, and irreparable harm to our oceans. I contribute both time and money to several international environmental organizations, because we all must do our part to save Mother Earth.

But I digress! If you are interested in the “ins and outs” of college life, and want some great tales of navigating through the game of “degree attainment,” as well as tips for easing the pain of those pesky essay and paper assignments, follow my blog!

I would love to hear from you, to give you advice, and to lend a listening ear. You can contact me at  [email protected]  anytime! And follow my posts – you won’t be disappointed!

• 10 Things I Now Know About Narrative Essay Writing
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• How To Write A Personal Narrative Essay For College
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• Narrative Essay Vs Descriptive Essay
• The Autobiographical Narrative Essay
• First Person Essay
• How to Organize a Compare and Contrast Essay
• The Compare and Contrast Essay Prompts
• Good Words for Definition Essay Assignments
• How To Write A Descriptive Essay About A Person
• Studying Famous Narrative Essays
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ESL Beginner Writing: Sample Essay “A Funny Story”

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In this ESL writing lesson, students are presented with a sample essay, “A Funny Story”. After reading this essay, students can try to write their own essay about a funny story that happened to them in the past.

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38 Funny Stories in English

Humor is so much more than silly situations and funny words.

It is about the places we live in, the people who are with us, the events we experience and the problems we face.

In other words, humor is about the society in which it exists .

If you want to communicate really well , it is not enough to just know some English words—you need to know about the society and culture too. 

These humorous stories will make you laugh first, then think. Here are 38 funny stories in English to get you started!

• 1. “Captain Underpants” by Dave Pilkey
• 2. “XO, OX: A Love Story” by Adam Rex
• 3. “Hunting the Deceitful Turkey” by Mark Twain
• 4. “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir” by Jenny Lawson
• 5. “The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year” by Sue Townsend
• 6. “Em and the Big Hoom” by Jerry Pinto
• 7. “The Sellout: A Novel” by Paul Beatty
• 8. “How to Build a Girl” by Caitlin Moran
• 9. “Something Fresh” by P.G. Wodehouse
• 10. “The Eyre Affair” by Jasper Fforde
• 11. “The Lumber Room” by Saki
• 12. “The Crocodile” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
• 13. “The Nose” by Nicholas Gogol

14. “The Ransom of Red Chief” by O. Henry

• 15. “Three Men in a Boat” by Jerome K. Jerome
• 16. “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Poole
• 17. “Puckoon” by Spike Milligan

18. “I Want My Hat Back” by Jon Klassen

19. “the sneetches and other stories” by dr. seuss.

• 20. “The Ushuaia Rabbit” by Fernando Sorrentino
• 21. “Death by Scrabble” by Charlie Fish

22. “Do You Speak English?” by Simon Collings

• 23. “The Great Automatic Grammatizator” by Roald Dahl
• 24. “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” by Jeff Kinney
• 25. “Calvin and Hobbes” by Bill Watterson
• 26. “The BFG” by Roald Dahl
• 27. “Pippi Longstocking” by Astrid Lindgren
• 28. “An Abundance of Katherines” by John Green
• 29. “Queen of the Road” by Doreen Orion
• 30. “Another Fine Myth” by Robert Asprin
• 31. “Me Talk Pretty One Day” by David Sedaris
• 32. “Bossypants” by Tina Fey
• 33. “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” by Douglas Adams
• 34. “The Importance of Being Earnest” by Oscar Wilde
• 35. “Good Omens” by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
• 36. “Modern Romance” by Aziz Ansari
• 37. “Choose Your Own Autobiography” by Neil Patrick Harris
• 38. “The De-Textbook” by Cracked

Why and How to Learn English from Funny Books

And one more thing....

Download: This blog post is available as a convenient and portable PDF that you can take anywhere. Click here to get a copy. (Download)

1.  “Captain Underpants” by Dave Pilkey

Good for: Young learners

This book is simple and clever. It is about two boys, George and Harold, who like to draw comics. They are famous pranksters in their school.

One day their principal catches them and makes them do his chores. The boys hypnotize their principal and make him into a superhero they drew—Captain Underpants.

The story reveals a lot about the relationship between adults and children. The book is filled with funny cartoons and jokes that are sometimes disgusting but always entertaining.

Funny quote:

“George and Harold were usually responsible kids. Whenever anything bad happened, George and Harold were usually responsible.”

2.  “XO, OX: A Love Story” by Adam Rex

Good for: Beginner learners

Have you ever wondered about the love stories of gazelles or oxen? This book proves that if such a relationship ever became real, then it would be hilarious!

The story is told through a collection of letters where a love-struck Ox tries to impress a celebrity Gazelle. The joyful illustrations make the book truly memorable.

This may seem like it is a book for children, but adults can understand the theme of unrequited love and appreciate the way the author plays with language.

“You are so graceful and fine. Even when you are running from tigers you are like a ballerina who is running away from tigers.”

3.  “Hunting the Deceitful Turkey” by Mark Twain

Good for: Upper-intermediate to advanced students

Considered one of the funniest turkey tales in American literature , Twain recounts a true incident where he tries to shoot a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.

The story is a humorous account of his failure. It also relates to the American holiday of Thanksgiving, where turkey is the main dish in the feast.

Since the story was written in 1906, you might read some words which are not commonly used anymore. For instance, the word “swindler” means “cheat” or “fraud.”

It might be helpful to have access to a good English dictionary while you read this. You can also read the story online here .

“Lie low, keep still, don’t expose yourself; I shall be back soon as I have beguiled this shabby swindler out of the country.”

4.  “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir” by Jenny Lawson

Good for: Mature intermediate learners

Have you ever felt that you did not fit in, or that you were strange, weird or awkward? The author of this book felt like that throughout her life.

There are tales about her sister going to school in a bird costume, her “message-board” cat, her relationship and more. Her story is equal parts funny and enlightening (something which makes you aware).

The core message is that the moments that embarrass us are really the ones that define us. If you are still unsure about the book, you can read this article  by The Washington Post  to see if you’re interested.

“Also, I stapled a picture of us from our wedding day to the cat’s left leg. Don’t we look happy? We can be that way again.”

5.  “The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year” by Sue Townsend

Good for: Intermediate learners

Eva, the main character, is frustrated with her family. When her children leave home, she climbs into bed and stays there.

She refuses to be a dutiful wife to her indifferent husband, and she stops being an ideal mother to her careless children. Soon, unexpected things start happening. The true face of every person in the household starts to come out.

The novel is comical but also seeks to question traditional family roles. For a more detailed overview, read this review  by The Guardian .

“Brian kept the photograph inside an old Bible. He knew it would be safe there. Nobody ever opened it.”

6.  “Em and the Big Hoom” by Jerry Pinto

Good for: Mature intermediate students

Madness is usually seen as a very clinical topic. Mad people are distant and mysterious. They are reduced to their disorders and their humanity is often ignored.

This novel narrates a story about a woman who lives with bipolar disorder. The narrator is her son who is trying to figure out what is happening while exploring his parents’ past.

The unique characters and interesting observations about the family and their way of coping with Em, the mother, make the book humorous while also keeping the human element of all the characters.

“Honestly, I don’t understand Zen. It seems if you don’t answer properly, or if you are rude, people get enlightened.”

7.  “The Sellout: A Novel” by Paul Beatty

This is a satire that won the prestigious Booker Prize in 2016. It is a sharp, witty story about an African American protagonist (main character) who was born in a middle-class family.

Raised by a single father, he dreams of making his life better. But when his father is killed in a police shooting, he decides he needs to take a radical step.

The novel is funny and goes deep into the heart of American society. To know why it won one of the most famous awards in the world, read this review .

“If New York is the ‘city that never sleeps,’ then Los Angeles is the ‘city that’s always passed out on the couch.'”

8.  “How to Build a Girl” by Caitlin Moran

This story is about killing a 14-year-old girl to build a new one. It is not literally about murder, but rather, it is a story about growing up as a girl.

The protagonist is named Johanna. She renames herself Dolly Wilde when she decides to change her life. She goes through a very intimate journey to become the woman she wants to be.

This is a witty story about being free and what it means to be free. You can read a fantastic review of this book here.

“There’s no point in drinking if no one’s watching.”

9.  “Something Fresh” by P.G. Wodehouse

Good for: Intermediate to advanced students

P.G. Wodehouse’s novels are always filled with humorous characters, and plots with as many twists as the number of holes in Swiss cheese.

In this tale, a series of events are set into motion when a precious art piece is stolen from the castle of Mr. J. Preston Peters. There are detectives, imposters and marriages that go wrong.

This is a classic story that never fails to be funny and interesting. Here is a short review of the novel.

“It’s very kind of you to keep offering me your dead mouse; but honestly I have no use for it.”

10.  “The Eyre Affair” by Jasper Fforde

Good for: Upper-beginner learners

This is a fantasy book that takes place in Britain. Jane Eyre, one of the most famous literary heroines in history, has been kidnapped. A detective is asked to save her before it is too late.

The story is set in a world where people can literally enter novels, time travel is real and cloning is commonplace.

The novel manages to be funny while talking about a society under the rule of a dictator. Here is a brief review of the book.

“I shouldn’t believe anything I say if I were you. And that includes what I just told you.”

11.  “The Lumber Room” by Saki

Adults often treat children as people who are less intelligent. In this story, Nicholas easily tricks his strict aunt and outsmarts her throughout the story.

Saki is famous for writing about characters who are not only funny but also use their minds to change the situation they are stuck in.

There are some advanced words in the story. “Obstinacy” means “stubbornness,” or the quality of being stubborn. “Debarred” means to exclude or ban someone from doing something.

“The dramatic part of the incident was that there really was a frog in Nicholas’s basin of bread-and-milk; he had put it there himself, so he felt entitled to know something about it.”

12.  “The Crocodile”  by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Good for: Upper-beginner students

Ivan Matveich is swallowed alive when he goes to see a crocodile with his wife and a friend.

He finds himself quite comfortable inside the animal and refuses to come out. What follows is a hilarious story which has become a classic.

Originally published in 1865 in Russian, the story might contain some confusing words. For instance, “arcade” is an old word used for a covered passage where people used to go for entertainment.

This tale can be read online as well.

“‘Alive and well,’ answered Ivan Matveitch, ‘and, thanks to the Almighty, swallowed without any damage whatever.'”

13.  “The Nose” by Nicholas Gogol

“The Nose” is a satirical story about a person named Kovalyov whose nose leaves his face and decides to have a life of its own.

In a hilarious series of events, the nose actually moves above Kovalyov in official ranks to become his senior in the government.

This was written in 1836 to comment on how Russian society was obsessed with social status. You might notice uncommon words like “propriety,” which means to have good manners and act according to social rules.

This story can also be found online here .

“The nose looked at the Major and frowned a little.”

Two men kidnap a boy who turns out to be so mischievous that they ultimately return him to his father and give their own money to his family instead.

Originally published in 1907, this story still makes readers laugh out loud. O. Henry managed to create a story that is remembered throughout generations.

“‘If you don’t behave,’ says I, ‘I’ll take you straight home. Now, are you going to be good, or not?’ (This was said by the kidnapper.)”

15.  “Three Men in a Boat” by Jerome K. Jerome

This book was originally intended to be a serious memoir, but the funny elements soon took over and the writer decided to publish it as a humorous tale.

The story is about three men who take a boat ride on the river Thames in England and describe funny things they encounter throughout the journey.

Here is a full review of the book.

“George goes to sleep at a bank from ten to four each day, except Saturdays, when they wake him up and put him outside at two.”

16.  “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Poole

This book was published after the author died and won the prestigious Pulitzer Prize .

This novel is about Ignatius Reilly, a fat man with a funny hat. The story includes a parrot attack, a revolt to impress a girlfriend and many accidents.

It is best for advanced English learners. The word “dunce” refers to a stupid person and the word “confederacy” means a union or group of people who agree to work together.

“I mingle with my peers or no one. And since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.”

17.  “Puckoon” by Spike Milligan

Puckoon is a novel set in 1924. That year, Ireland was divided into Northern Ireland and the Irish Republic. You can read the historical background here .

In the novel, the border cuts through the middle of a village named Puckoon and divides a house into two.

What follows is a comical journey. In fact, the protagonist is so lazy that the narrator has to intervene to make sure he does something in the story!

“Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.”

This charming and darkly amusing book is for beginners, and specifically younger learners.

The story is simple, engaging and very funny. There are several animals, personalities and settings you can experience in this short story.

There are also some live readings  and  animations available online as well.

“‘Have you seen my hat?’ asks the bear. ‘What is a hat?’ the animal replies.”

This collection contains four Dr. Seuss short stories. It include the hilarious poem “Too Many Daves,” which is a silly tale about a mother who names all of her 23 sons Dave.

This story is great for phonetic practice, as some of the names contain unfamiliar words and sounds, which can be challenging but still fun to read.

Many native English speakers grow up reading Dr. Seuss books, so this is a great way to experience a style of writing that many people are familiar with.

“She often wishes that, when they were born, she had named one of them Bodkin Van Horn.”

20. “The Ushuaia Rabbit”  by Fernando Sorrentino

Good for: Intermediate students

This surreal yet engaging short story is great for intermediate learners who want a vocabulary challenge.

It is about a strange and unbelievable creature. There are some excellent words and descriptions in this entertaining tale.

Note that this story does require a little extra patience, because it is a fiction (not true) story.

“But we can’t expect blood from a turnip or any intelligence whatsoever from journalists.”

21. “Death by Scrabble”  by Charlie Fish

Here is another great short story for intermediate learners. This tale is amusing from the opening line (see the quote below) right until the end.

The story focuses on a game of Scrabble between a man and his wife. The tense feeling builds up to an unexpected ending.

The game Scrabble involves building words out of letter tiles to earn points. Both the game and the story are great ways to practice and learn vocabulary.

“It’s a hot day and I hate my wife.”

This story may be too difficult for absolute beginners, but the subject matter is engaging for language students.

It touches on the difficulties of traveling without knowing a language—a topic many language learners can relate to!

While it is not the funniest story on the list, you may understand the feelings of the characters who cannot speak directly to each other.

“The boy named a price which was five times what he would have got for it locally.”

23. “The Great Automatic Grammatizator”  by Roald Dahl

Good for: Upper-beginner business students

This is an interesting and thought-provoking tale about the English language. The points about grammar and creativity are things that all English students can relate to.

It is a particularly good story for business English students because the setting is a corporate business. The main character wants to invent a machine to do the job of a writer.

The story is especially relevant today with the rise of AI technology. There is some technical vocabulary, but don’t worry—it’s still an entertaining tale.

You can also read it online here .

“Why doesn’t he stand up straight? He looks like a bent stick.”

24. “Diary of a Wimpy Kid”  by Jeff Kinney

This book might be about a school boy, but you can enjoy it even if you haven’t been in school for years.

“Diary of a Wimpy Kid” is about a middle school boy who deals with school and family issues.

The easy writing and cute illustrations (drawings) make this a great book for easy English language reading.

“First of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary.”

25. “Calvin and Hobbes”  by Bill Watterson

“Calvin and Hobbes” is not a regular book: It’s a comic book!

The adventures of little boy Calvin and his imaginary tiger friend Hobbes are classics, loved by many over the years.

Even if you don’t like comic books, give this one a try—you might be surprised at how clever and thoughtful the humor is.

“So long, pop! I’m off to check my tiger trap!”

26. “The BFG”  by Roald Dahl

Roald Dahl (already mentioned above) is known for his many children’s stories. You might have heard of “James and the Giant Peach” and “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” in fact.

In “The BFG,” Dahl creates another charming and slightly scary world in which a girl and a giant team up to protect children from becoming dinner.

As a children’s book, it’s simple enough for beginning English speakers, but as an older children’s book, it can also be a little challenging in parts.

“Don’t gobblefunk around with words.”

27. “Pippi Longstocking”  by Astrid Lindgren

Pippi’s full name is Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Efraim’s Daughter Longstocking.

She lives in a huge mansion with her pet horse and friend monkey, and dreams of the day her father will return from the ocean.

Pippi’s many adventures and stories are as crazy as they are funny. She’s a lovable child who will remind you how to be a child yourself!

“I have never tried that before, so I think I should definitely be able to do that.”

28. “An Abundance of Katherines”  by John Green

Good for:  Intermediate students

Colin had a girlfriend named Katherine. Actually, he had 19 of them—and they all dumped him (broke up with him).

He sets out in a car with a friend to travel across the country, where he has many laughs and life lessons…and no Katherines.

“An Abundance of Katherines” is a funny, heartwarming book about finding out who you really are.

“The morning after noted child prodigy Colin Singleton graduated from high school and got dumped for the nineteenth time by a girl named Katherine, he took a bath.”

29. “Queen of the Road”  by Doreen Orion

If you like the idea of traveling across the country like in the previous book, but would rather do it with a shopaholic, shoe-loving, Long Island “princess,” this is the book for you.

“Queen of the Road” is Doreen’s tale of her and her husband Tim’s travels. They visit strange places in 47 U.S. states, giving you a look into life in the lesser-known parts of the country.

Even better, this is a memoir—which means it’s a true story that really happened to the author!

“When my long-dreaded thirtieth birthday arrived, I really wasn’t as upset as I imagined I’d be, for I had achieved a much more important milestone: my sartorial centennial. I owned one hundred pairs of shoes.”

30. “Another Fine Myth”  by Robert Asprin

Fantasy lovers, don’t worry—there are lots of funny fantasy and science fiction books too!

Robert Asprin’s Myth series is about a group of strange companions who go on adventures together, trying not to kill each other on the way.

The first book in the series, “Another Fine Myth” introduces the main character Skeeve, a magician’s apprentice and thief. Join the adventure and laugh at the company’s misfortune!

“One of the few redeeming facets of instructors, I thought, is that occasionally they can be fooled.”

31. “Me Talk Pretty One Day”  by David Sedaris

Good for: Upper-beginner to intermediate students

David Sedaris is a humorist who writes about life and the world, making you laugh at even the most serious moments.

“Me Talk Pretty One Day”   is a collection of short stories from his life, from trying to learn French to dealing with his lisp (inability to pronounce the letter “s”).

Sedaris has a very friendly way of writing, as if he is telling you his story in person, which makes it fun and fairly easy to read at any level.

“Like all of my friends, she’s a lousy judge of character.”

32. “Bossypants”  by Tina Fey

Tina Fey is well known as a comedian on “Saturday Night Live” and a few other TV shows, including the popular “30 Rock.”

In this book, she talks about what it was like to grow up from a strange little girl to a strange little girl on TV.

Tina Fey has a very unique sense of humor, so if you liked any of her shows or her “Saturday Night Live” acting, then you’ll enjoy this book.

“In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.”

33. “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”  by Douglas Adams

Imagine you wake up one day to find that your home is about to be destroyed to make room for a road.

Now imagine this is happening to the entire Earth, to make room for a space road for aliens. You would probably do the only thing you can: Get a ride from some passing aliens and hope for the best.

Some of the language in this classic book can be tough, but the amount of laughs you will get will make it worth it!

“He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.”

34. “The Importance of Being Earnest”  by Oscar Wilde

Being earnest means being truthful. But Ernest is also a name. “The Importance of Being Earnest” takes these two ideas and plays with them for the entire story.

This book is actually a play. It is old but still easy to understand, as it deals with how funny rich people and the upper class can be.

There is a lot of lying and silly mishaps (unlucky accidents) that can make this play difficult to follow for an English learner, but it’s fun and highly recommended if you’re a bit more advanced.

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train.”

35. “Good Omens”  by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

Good for: Advanced students

The apocalypse is coming and the world is about to end, and all it needs is one very important boy. Unfortunately, no one seems to be able to find him.

In this hilarious story, an angel and a demon have to forget about their differences and work together to stop the world from ending.

Written by two expert storytellers, “Good Omens” is a fun ride through their version of what really happens in the Bible’s Book of Revelations.

“It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn’t been invented yet.”

36. “Modern Romance”  by Aziz Ansari

What’s it like to have a relationship today? Comedian Aziz Ansari (known for his role in the TV show “Parks and Recreation”) tries to understand what it’s like to find love in the modern age.

“Modern Romance” mixes science with humor for a book that will make you laugh as much as it will teach you about love in the 21st century.

“While we may think we know what we want, we’re often wrong.”

37. “Choose Your Own Autobiography”  by Neil Patrick Harris

Autobiographies tell the story of the author’s life. Choose Your Own Adventure stories are adventures in which you are the hero, and you choose where the story goes next.

So, how did actor Neil Patrick Harris manage to put the two together? “Choose Your Own Autobiography” is the story of Harris’s life… as if you are him.

Go through his life and make his decisions for him with this creative book. It’s funny and interesting, and perfect if you’re looking for a more unique kind of humor.

“You, Neil Patrick Harris, are born in Albuquerque, New Mexico, on June 15, 1973, at what you’re pretty sure is St. Joseph’s Hospital, although it’s hard to be certain as the whole experience leaves you a little blurry.”

38. “The De-Textbook”  by Cracked

You might be surprised at how much of what you learned in school is wrong. For example: Dinosaurs don’t look like lizards—they have feathers!

In this book, you will learn that we don’t have only five senses, chameleons don’t change color to blend in with their surroundings, and other interesting facts about the world, history and yourself.

“The De-Textbook” has some crude (rude) humor, and it also makes many references to pop culture and history. You can use this book to learn new facts and learn about culture, internet humor and more.

“Remember: Nature hates you so much that pretty much everything around you right now is actively trying to kill you.”

You probably already know why you should read funny books to learn English… It’s fun!

Learning English with humor gives you several other great benefits, though:

• Humor is culture specific.  This means if you understand the humor, you understand the culture.
• Humor often uses puns (word play).  Many jokes in English play with words and their meanings, so if you understand a pun, you understand the different meanings (and  possible mistakes !) that an English word can have.
• Humor makes things easier to remember.  You can try memorizing  a word and its definition , or you can tell a funny story with it. Which do you think you’ll remember better?

Now, to really get the most from reading these funny books, try using these tips:

• Read with a pen and paper nearby.  This way you can easily write notes, unfamiliar words or questions that you have as you read.
• Focus on phrases, not just words. Knowing word definitions is important, but knowing how to use the words is even more important. Be sure to pay attention to phrases so you can really understand how the words work.
• Discuss the books with others. One great way to enjoy a book is to share it with other people. Read the same book as your friend(s), then talk about it. You can even join a local book club and go to their meetings.
• If you can’t meet in person, use the internet. It’s even easier to find someone reading the same book as you thanks to the internet. Join a book website like Goodreads  and you can find other people discussing the funny books that interest you.

You also don’t have to stop at these books—if you love to learn and laugh, there are many other resources out there for you to use. Humor is everywhere!

FluentU takes authentic videos—like music videos, movie trailers, news and inspiring talks—and turns them into personalized language learning lessons.

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After reading these funny stories in English, hopefully you will have a good laugh and also be able to add a touch of humor to your own English conversations.

Happy reading!

If you like learning English through movies and online media, you should also check out FluentU. FluentU lets you learn English from popular talk shows, catchy music videos and funny commercials , as you can see here:

If you want to watch it, the FluentU app has probably got it.

The FluentU app and website makes it really easy to watch English videos. There are captions that are interactive. That means you can tap on any word to see an image, definition, and useful examples.

FluentU lets you learn engaging content with world famous celebrities.

For example, when you tap on the word "searching," you see this:

FluentU lets you tap to look up any word.

Learn all the vocabulary in any video with quizzes. Swipe left or right to see more examples for the word you’re learning.

FluentU helps you learn fast with useful questions and multiple examples. Learn more.

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• Grades 6-12
• School Leaders

Enter Today's Teacher Appreciation Giveaway!

18+ Best Funny Short Stories To Teach in Middle and High School

These stories will get them giggling … and learning too!

At least once a year, one of my freshmen would ask me why everything we read in ninth grade English was so depressing. A quick look at our curriculum revealed they did have a point. Romeo and Juliet , Of Mice and Men , and short stories like “Lamb to the Slaughter” and “The Most Dangerous Game” all told tales of death and despair. While all are excellent, I began to wonder if I could find some different texts to add to the mix. It turns out, while scary short stories and dramatic short stories are easy to find, good funny short stories for middle and high school students are a bit trickier to track down.

With that in mind, here’s a list of funny short stories to use in your classroom when you want to bring a bit of humor to your lesson.

1. Ruthless by William DeMille

OK, this one might be a bit of a controversial addition to a list of funny short stories, but I’m including it anyway. There’s something darkly humorous in this little tale about a man who goes too far in a plot for revenge only to have it backfire on him in the worst possible way. Some of your students will feel bad for the protagonist while others will feel he deserves his fate. Regardless, your class will have a great discussion about it at the end.

In class: There are so many writing prompts you could use from this story I don’t know where to begin. It could be used as the springboard for an argumentative writing unit, with students arguing whether the main character was justified in his actions or not. It could also be perfect for a discussion on characterization by asking students what can we learn about the main character and his wife by their actions and statements.

2.  They’re Made Out of Meat  by Terry Bisson

I love introducing students to science fiction, especially in the form of funny short stories. We really don’t use sci-fi enough in our English classes. In this story, two aliens discuss the bizarre new life form they’ve discovered and try to figure out how it thinks and lives. Your students will laugh out loud when they discover that the aliens are talking about humans and love figuring out the everyday activities and items the aliens just can’t seem to make sense of.

In class: This is perfect for introducing a new genre to students. After reading, ask students to craft their own science-fiction short story. As a class, brainstorm a list of activities and events that take place all the time that we think are totally normal. Then, ask students to write their version of an alien race trying to figure out a birthday party, after-school detention, or lunch in the school cafeteria.

3. Charles by Shirley Jackson

Written by the same woman who wrote the eerie short story “The Lottery,” this story is guaranteed to make students of all ages chuckle. The tale of the worst kindergarten student ever, as told by a classmate to his mother at the end of every school day, your students will love hearing all about Charles’ antics. The twist at the end of the tale will make students gasp and giggle.

In class: Perfect for lessons on irony , your students can debate whether Jackson’s funny short story demonstrates verbal, situational, or dramatic irony. I’ve also used this story to show students how an author can utilize dialogue as a method for developing characterization.

4. Thank You, Ma’am by Langston Hughes

Like “Charles,” this is another classic, well-known story. An older woman takes a young man under her wing after he attempts to steal her purse. As they spend time together, she teaches him a valuable lesson about life. It’s perfect for upper-elementary and middle school students.

In class: This is one of those funny short stories that lends itself to lessons about dialogue, diction, theme, and characterization. It’s also a great text to use for practice discussions or Socratic seminars. Students could easily develop questions about the actions of the characters. They could consider how they would have responded in the same situation. And they could even reimagine the story as if it were written today.

5. Lord Oakhurst’s Curse by O. Henry

While many students will have read “The Gift of the Magi,” this short story by the same author is much less well known. Lord Oakhurst is dying, his wife is grieving (or is she?), and a doctor arrives to try to help. Your students will be shocked and amused by this quick read.

In class: Indirect characterization leaps to the foreground in this funny short story as students can debate whether Lord Oakhurst’s wife is truly as sad as she says she is throughout the story. The story also makes use of flashbacks, making it great for introducing or reviewing that concept.

6. Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence by  The Onion  Staff

Satire is a tough genre for so many students. The popular satirical online news magazine The Onion comes to the rescue here with a hysterical piece that, while not a short story exactly, certainly tells a tale students will guffaw over. In the article, students learn the plight of a young man who almost received severe consequences for driving while under the influence. Some satirical pieces are almost too serious for students to see as satire, but this one does a great job of taking a serious subject and turning it on its head to make a point.

In class: This piece is perfect for students who aren’t ready to grapple with some of the more complex satirical pieces they’re often given in school. If your group isn’t quite ready for Swift’s A Modest Proposal , this is a great place to start. As an introduction to satire, pairing this piece with actual news reports of cases where privileged young people have received shockingly light sentences for serious crimes will definitely keep your students engaged (and enraged?).

7. Maddened by Mystery or The Defective Detective by Stephen Leacock

This short story caper takes on the classic detective trope and mocks it mercilessly. Over-the-top costumes, mistaken identities, and a ridiculous reveal make this a truly funny short story to share with your students.

In class: I wish I still taught the mystery unit I taught for many years so that I could add this funny short story to the mix. This is a perfect piece to introduce satire. It mocks many of the most common elements of typical detective stories in a truly hilarious fashion.

8. There Was Once  by Margaret Atwood

Given her prominence in current popular culture, Margaret Atwood is an author our students should know. This short story about a fairy-tale writer receiving some “constructive criticism” on how to make their story more inclusive is sure to inspire reactions among your middle or high schoolers.

In class: This is a great short story to use when teaching the importance of how dialogue can impact tone. Additionally, it would be a great piece to bring to any discussion of whether or not students should read “old” stories that have language or ideas that are considered problematic today.

9. A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift

Definitely one for older students, this essay is a more complex text than many on this list. That being said, it’s a classic for a reason. Swift’s shocking and controversial (and highly satirical) suggestion that the plight of poor Irish peasants could be solved by having them sell their infants to rich British people to eat continues to resonate to this day. Give this to your high school students without any warning and get ready for some interesting reactions and responses.

In class: This piece is a staple in many high school lessons about satire, but I think it could also be used brilliantly in discussions about current political discourse. We struggle with recognizing satire in media today just as much as people did in Swift’s time. Additionally, the parallels between how the wealthy and elite in society look down at the less fortunate then and now could definitely make for some heavy, yet important, classroom discussions. Finally, it’s a perfect text for a lesson on tone—ask students to consider why Swift chose to write in a logical and emotionless voice about such a horrifying idea.

10. Joy by Anton Chekhov

The main character in this funny short story becomes famous. He rushes home to tell his family. Your students will love the reactions of his stunned family. They’ll also have plenty to say about the protagonist’s glorious new stardom.

In class: Perfect for units covering tragic heroes or characters who fall from grace, Chekhov’s work is a pretty searing commentary on the ideas surrounding what it means to be famous. Your students will have a great time making comparisons between the protagonist and various YouTube or TikTok stars of today.

11. A Dish Best Served Cold by Tristan Jimerson

Time to throw a curveball into the game. Have you heard of The Moth? It’s an organization with the mission to “promote the art and craft of storytelling and to honor and celebrate the diversity and commonality of human experience.” They have open-mic storytelling nights in different cities around the country where people just stand up and tell stories based on a preset theme. You can find lots of them on The Moth’s website and on YouTube. This one is about a man who has his identity stolen by a Domino’s Pizza employee. His mission to get revenge will have you and your students laughing out loud.

In class: Many of the stories do include a swear word or deal with adult themes, so be sure to preview the story first. I love the idea of sharing verbal storytelling with students of all ages, especially in the context of a unit on funny short stories. It’s great for reluctant readers and could make an awesome alternative assessment option.

12. The Catbird Seat by James Thurber

Written by the same author who wrote “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” this story is also about an unhappy man who dreams of improving his life. The way he accomplishes this, however, is where the humor (and some shock!) comes in.

In class: Introducing students to more challenging text can always be a bit of a tough sell, so it’s nice to have a few short stories to warm students up to the idea. Students can practice transacting with text, asking questions about sections that confuse them, and working together to build comprehension.

13. “I’m a Short Afternoon Walk and You’re Putting Way Too Much Pressure on Me” by Emily Delaney

Another curveball addition to this list of funny short stories! I love introducing my students to examples of real-life writing that is actually going on today. While many funny short stories on this list are from the early 1900s, this piece was written in 2020 and appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. The site features humorous pieces on a variety of timely topics. While many aren’t appropriate for school, others, like this one, are perfect examples of how people are still writing and creating today. In this piece, the personified “afternoon walk” explains to the person taking it that it can’t be everything the walker needs it to be.

In class: Best suited for older middle school and high school students, I would love to use this as a mentor text. Imagine the creative writing pieces students could come up with if asked to personify something in their lives.

14. My Financial Career by Stephen Leacock

Confession time—I hate ordering food by phone. It doesn’t matter if it’s healthy or not, or if I’m ordering for one person or 20. I hate it. I get flustered and almost always end up messing something up. Hence why this story, about a man who gets nervous in banks, spoke to me. Leacock’s description of the main character fumbling his way through opening a bank account had me laughing out loud.

In class: Finding characters from the past that students can relate to is tricky. I like the idea of asking students to free-write or discuss what situations make them feel anxious or uncomfortable. They could write down feelings, descriptions, and images. After reading this story, they could create their own humorous (or serious) stories about their own scenario.

15. The Great Automatic Grammatizator by Roald Dahl

I’ll admit this one blew my mind a bit, which is why I love the idea of sharing it with students. This short story, about a young man who invents a device that gathers together all the stories and novels ever written and then, using a mathematical formula, uses them to churn out new stories at lightning-fast speeds, was written in 1954. That’s right, Roald Dahl predicted ChatGPT and AI-generated stories decades ago . Watch your students’ minds be blown as they read this one.

In class: While Dahl may not have meant this short story to be considered science fiction, it certainly could fit into that genre . This piece would be perfect to pair with nonfiction articles about how AI is affecting creative fields as well as an argumentative unit in which students discuss whether or not these stories are better or worse than those written by human authors.

16.  Growing Down  by Shel Silverstein

Yes, it’s a poem. But it also tells a story, which makes it a great addition to this list of funny short stories. In this poem, we meet a grumpy old man who is always telling people to grow up. But one day, someone tells him to “grow down.” When he does, he discovers he likes it much more than growing up.

In class: This piece would be perfect for students who are struggling to grasp concepts like theme or characterization. There’s plenty of direct and indirect characterization throughout the poem, and the message is pretty obvious throughout. Additionally, Shel Silverstein’s voice is perfect for discussions about tone.

17. The Eyes Have It by Philip K. Dick

I chuckle, groan, and, yes, roll my eyes every time I reread this short story. It’s such an enjoyable little piece about a man who discovers “proof” that aliens exist and are hiding among us even though they can do shocking things with their bodies. It was always particularly well received by my students who didn’t really love figurative language and wished authors would just “say what they meant.”

In class: This story would be great as an introduction to dramatic irony. Part of what makes it so great is how we, as readers, groan each time the protagonist finds “proof” of alien life that we recognize as just an author’s use of imagery, hyperbole, and nonliteral language.

18. Television by Roald Dahl

Another poem, I know. But it’s longish, so that counts, right? Your students might pick up on the parallels in theme between this fast-paced poem and the character of Mike Teavee from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . Dahl was definitely not a fan of young people watching television instead of playing outside or reading books. One can only imagine what he would have thought about how much time our students spend looking at their phones today!

In class: I love the idea of asking students to write a modern version of this poem, substituting cell phones or TikTok in place of Dahl’s loathed television. It’s also a great piece for discussing tone, as Dahl’s feelings are made so abundantly clear throughout the text.

19. First-Day Fly by Jason Reynolds

Jason Reynolds is a genius when it comes to creating characters who seem so real it feels like you’ve met them before. This short story about a young man getting ready for the first day of school will hit your students right in the feels. They’ll laugh, they’ll relate, and they’ll definitely identify with the struggles the protagonist experiences as he prepares to return to school.

In class: This short story would fit beautifully into any lesson about mood and point of view. The main character’s ability to express himself and his feelings is so enjoyable to read. It would also be a great study on how allusions can date a text. While our students will understand immediately why the character cares so much about his sneakers remaining perfectly white, will people in the future? It would be interesting to pair this piece with an older text and compare the allusions of each.

Looking for more short stories to share with your class? Check out  70 Great Short Stories To Teach in Middle School .

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75 Best Short Stories To Teach in Middle School

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50+ Short Funny Stories That Will Crack You Up In 60 Seconds

I curated these funny stories from funny Tumblr stories . Get ready for a hurricane of LOL as you read all these funny short stories.

1 . Now that’s what I call stupid : In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs. We never had a second date.

2 . The fake report card : I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card. I did this every quarter that year. I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake. She was PISSED—at the school for their error. The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

3 . All the fish : I went to this girl’s party the week after she beat the shit out of my friend. While everyone was getting trashed, I went around putting tuna inside all the curtain rods and so like weeks went by and they couldn’t figure out why the house smelled like festering death. They caught me through this video where these guys at the party were singing Beyoncé while I was in the background with a can of tuna.

4 . How to win at video games : When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin , except it was called Nicktropolis . And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password. So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids). I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

5 . Drama at my drama class : One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure. Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.

6 . I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard : My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue. I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.

7 . The day my teacher stole my headphones : During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud. I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless. He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year.

8 . Oh—semen : When I was in high school, I was pretty quiet around people who weren’t my friends. The high school’s wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my teacher. This resulted in a lot of wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven wrestlers come in yelling about new wrestling uniforms, and how excited they were. When they go over and pull out the uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyeing them. Even without what I mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue Spandex with a suspender style top. Absolutely funny already. But the wrestlers grab the uniforms and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which, is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all of their junk.

Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It’s commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex uniform, it says Ocean City Men in large letters. Except… they used the abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which isn’t awful, but then I sound it out in my head. OC MEN. Oh—semen. I almost spit out the water I was drinking.

I looked around frantically, trying to find out who I can tell, because I didn’t have any friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never talked to her before. I told her what I found and we both cracked up.

The whole time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says oh semen.”

We’ve been best friends for 7 years now.

9 . Ow, my shit! : When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”

Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”

When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.

10 . I swear to God he levitated : I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”

11 . We don’t have a fucking doorbell : So a couple years I moved out of state with a boyfriend. Was super excited about it but with reason had anxiety about being so far from friends and family. One of the ways my anxiety was coming out was with nightmares and night terrors. I’d wake up violently sitting up in a cold sweat, gasping and whatnot. On one particular night I had woken up the sound of our doorbell ringing. Which at 4 in the morning is fucking nerve wracking. So I shook my boyfriend fully awake and told him I heard the doorbell and to go check it because I was scared. He quickly jumps up. Puts on clothes and grabs a bat. Goes all the way to the front door and opens it. I, scared shitless, am peeking around the corner watching it all go down. I see him step outside and I nervously await the verdict of the situation when I hear him call out to me. “Babe?” And I respond real shaky, “Yes?” He stands in the doorway with a real frustrated tired look in his eyes and says, “We don’t have a fucking doorbell.”

12 . The whole school thought I was going to star on Drake and Josh : In second grade, I told everyone that I was leaving school before next semester to move to Hollywood to play Megan’s cousin from Vermont on Drake and Josh . At first I just told my best friend, but then the whole school found out. I had people coming up to me and asking me for my autograph and a teacher even asked for a picture with me. When I showed up on the first day of school in third grade, I told everyone that the show was going off the air after the season finished (even though I had no knowledge of when it was ending), and so they wouldn’t need me. AND THE SHOW ENDED AFTER THAT SEASON AND EVERYONE BELIEVED ME UP UNTIL LIKE 6TH GRADE BUT NOW MY BEST FRIEND WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET ABOUT IT AND I’M SO ANGRY.

13 . Classroom Chaos : So in 8th grade I used to read during class a lot. At the time I was reading an Artemis Fowl book, and for some reason I had two copies of the same book. So one day in my English class we were reading this other book (which I had already finished reading three days earlier), I was reading my own book and when it was finally my turn to read, I had no idea where we were. So the teacher took my book away, I found my spot, read the part and passed it to the next person to start reading.

So after I read my part, I took out my second copy of Artemis and picked up right where I left off. Skip a few minutes ahead, gets back to my turn to read, and again I don’t know where we are. So teacher takes a look at me, sees the book in my hands, then back to her desk obviously confused for a second. But shrugs it off knowing it’s me she’s dealing with (I’ve caused similar problems like this before), takes my second book and puts it on her desk, and makes me read my part.

Now my friend that sat two chairs down from me was also reading Artemis at the same time as me and with a quick look to him he knew exactly what I was planning. He took it out and passed it over without hesitation. I opened to a random spot and just pretended like I was reading. (At this point it was just to mess with my teacher.)

So skip forward again and my teacher sees me with the book again and says, “How many of those do you have?” I gave my smartass remark as “enough.” She took away that book, too. But now at this point I was out of books, and the rest of my class knew it. But the teacher didn’t know I was out. So she continued with her lesson and another friend of mine took two of her books and switched out two of the Artemis books on her desk to make them look like they were still there.

He passed the books slowly around the room, one at a time, until they were back to me. Then I took one out, opened to a random spot and just kept it open, waiting to get caught. I silently signaled to a few people in class and they started laughing. The teacher looked at what they were laughing at and saw me with yet another book. She looked at her desk where there were seemingly 3 Artemis books and saw me with a 4th. She took it, walked back to her desk, put it down, turned around, and saw me with the second book that got taken back on my desk!!!

The teacher thought she was going to win this game but underestimated my teamwork with my classmates. So the second she came over to me to take the seemingly 5th book, another classmate took back the other two books from her desk and split them up—sending one to me one way, and the other another way.

The teacher was very flustered and laughing hysterically at this point and there was no more teaching going on. The entire class was also going ballistic trying to see who would win. It was just a game of “How many books does this one 8th grader have?”

So at the end of the class she thought she had taken 11 books from me. I took pity on her and told her what was really happening. I told her that I had already read the first book, and all the teamwork that went on. We were both laughing and making jokes. In the end she agreed to let me read my own books as long as I kept track of the actual book we were reading. (Meaning, I ask the person next to me tell me when it’s my turn and they point out my spot to read so I don’t actually have to keep track.)

14 . Victoria’s no longer a secret : So my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.

So one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.

Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).

Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.

My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.

The neighbors haven’t come over since.

15 . My favorite teacher : One time in 6th grade we were at recess and while I was running to my friends, I just so happened to kick a HUGE rock (keep in mind, I was wearing flip-flops so it hurt like hell) and without thinking, I shouted at the top of my lungs “MOTHERFUCKER!” And with my god-awful luck, my math teacher was sitting at the bench right BESIDE ME. He then took me inside to what I thought was yell at me but he just couldn’t stop laughing and sent me back outside with a literal candy bar. He is still my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

16 . Lotion boy : One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

17 . I never got to eat my Pringles : Okay, so this was in fourth grade, and I was in this class with all these dumbass kids.

Here’s the back story: My parents usually pack me fruit for a snack, but on this day they packed me like half of the leftover Pringles from the day before, you know, in that cylinder container. I was really excited since I LOVE PRINGLES. But when recess came around so I could take MY Pringles and go eat it outside, they weren’t in my bag. I started scoping the area, trying to find my Pringles. I call the teacher, she tries to find them but she can’t either. Than this thought comes to my mind—What if MOIRA STOLE IT?

Moira was this chubby girl in my class that literally ALWAYS wore this purple princess dress that should be classified as a bad Halloween costume (seriously) and was known for being a bitch.

Being the judgmental 9-10 year old I was, I straight out concluded that she must’ve stolen my damn Pringles. I just tell my teacher, “Well too bad, I’ll just go out for recess now. It was just PRINGLES.” Being a little angel. So I stomp out of the class and start searching for Moira. I’m talking checking areas, finding witnesses, wasting my time. So after a solid 10 minutes, I find a group of these kids crowded at the side of one of the portable classrooms. I rush over to see what it is. The kids were eating Pringles. Barbecue flavored Pringles. MY PRINGLES. I start raging as I smack the Pringles out of the kids’ hands and start ripping people away from the main source. And in the middle of all the kids, sat a smug looking MOIRA with my PRINGLES. I look all mad and rip the BLOODY EMPTY CONTAINER OF PRINGLES OUT OF THE DAMN BITCH’S FILTHY HANDS. By now even dumbass Moira knows what’s up, she’s a goner. I would’ve murdered her at the very least, but a supervisor saw us and ran over.

Moira was forced to apologize and I was forced to accept her damn apology.

I never got to eat my Pringles.

To this day I’m sure she fears my cold dead hands, ready to rip her lying face off.

18 . Why my parents can’t take me seriously : So one time I was home alone and it was around dinnertime when I decided to make myself something to eat. I opened the freezer and dug around until I found what appeared to be chicken nuggets in an unopened plastic bag that for some reason, didn’t have any cooking instructions. Thinking that my parents must have thrown away the box for box tops, I called my mom to ask how long and at what temperature to cook chicken nuggets. She told me both of them, I laid out about 20 on a tray and stuck it in the oven, setting the timer before I walked out of the kitchen. When it was almost time to get my chicken nuggets, I walked into a cinnamon scented kitchen. I searched all over that kitchen, trying to find the cinnamon scent, leading me to the oven. I decide to turn on the oven light to see if maybe my mom had stuck some cookies in the oven and forgot to bake them, but instead, I find that the tray my chicken nuggets were on has cookies on it instead! As I’m trying to process what just happened, I hear the front door open and my mom shout delightedly, “Ooooo what’s that smell?” She walks into the kitchen and catches my confused expression. That’s when the spark ignited and she realized exactly what had happened. Somehow in some form, I had accidentally baked snickerdoodles. And that is why my parents can never take my cooking seriously.

19 . Painting a roller coaster : So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door. Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.

20 . Jellyfish fiasco : So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”

The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”

and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said

“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.

So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.

21 . Eighth grade games : So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. Everyone would play games on their computers (we used computers to take notes) but would play them in a super sneaky manner (volume down, looking at the board so it looks like you’re taking notes, etc.). I wasn’t one for playing games during class but I was soooo bored…so I searched up Pac-Man on Google and started playing (I didn’t know what else to play).

So I started playing and just my luck I didn’t check how high my volume was….IT WAS ALL THE WAY UP. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button (my hands were shaking like crazy)….my strict science teacher looked me straight in the eye..

22 . I literally “fell” for him : Since my crush sits behind me in class, when we stood up to do the pledge I stood up too fast and I stumbled over to him so to not fall on the ground I reached to grab his desk but I accidentally GRABBED HIM and I ended up falling on top of him and we both screamed. Luckily I didn’t hurt or crush him. My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards. Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me…

23 . 5th grade teacher : In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office. The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

24 . In the closet : OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.

25 . Cringey! : My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?

Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.

So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?

THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?

I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.

26 . Sporting goods : So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5:00am.

Yeah she’s crazy.

Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with.

She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books. In the middle of this she suddenly goes, “I really like Dick’s” Realizing what she just said, she turned red and in a more quiet voice goes, “please don’t tell your parents.”

27 . How bugs feel : When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis

28 . In dreams : I’ve always had super vivid dreams and it takes me a while after waking up to realize that they’re not real. Sometimes, it’s a disappointment but generally I just forget about it and move on. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with. One night, I had a really vivid dream where my friend and I had this huge falling out over something that I can’t even remember now.

I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on. Of course, as I’m telling the story I realize the events were super weird and that it was all a dream. I fall silent and just look at my friend who’s still extremely upset and don’t know what to say because I had fucked up so badly.

29 . Sniffing candles with my best friend : So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles. They all smelled strange so we started to think about names we could give them ‘grandma’s toilet cleaning agent’ or sth like this. Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. Suddenly my brother’s best friend stood behind us and from this day he’s thinking that I’m taking drugs.

I just sniff candles with my best friend to burst out in laughter.

30 . Skull lover : So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

31 . All glowed up : After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school. My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive). Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.

32 . Chinese class : I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

33 . Coca-Cola disaster : A couple years ago my friends and I were going to see a movie in the theatre at the mall. Instead of paying the ridiculous movie theatre prices for pop and candy, we decided to go to target to buy some stuff. This was when Coca Cola started to put people’s names on their bottles. My friend told me she had seen a bottle with my name on it inside this bin of Coke. I was weirdly excited since I hadn’t gotten one with my name on it yet. After I had bought the drink, I opened inside target, and it exploded EVERYWHERE. The pop was at least five or six feet in diameter. I watched as people passed the mess and made looks of disgust. Imagine if I had opened it inside of the theatre…

34 . Panic! at the pothole : Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming “WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”

Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up. This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.

35 . The toilet phase : When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.

36 . My mom’s thong : One day when I was 3 I decided I wanted to be like my mom and wear “big girl” panties. I sneakily went through her drawer and grabbed the first thing I could find – a thong (I didn’t know what it was at the time). She didn’t know until we went to breakfast with some friends and took me to the bathroom. She still won’t let me live it down!

37 . Slappy trails : One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.

1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.

2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.

Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…

I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.

I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.

38 . The ramen incident : I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. last night, I became hungry and decided to make some ramen. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.

After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.

I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it.

Well….It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart.

39 . First phone accident : When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. It was a pink little slide phone where you’d slide it sideways and have the texting keyboard and all. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. My mom ended up giving me her first flip phone which didn’t even have a camera or the option to have music or photos transferred. Lesson learned.

40 . Little thief : When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

41 . Driver’s license : So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.

42 . That one time I got lost : So about a year ago, I was in Phys. Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. I hadn’t done it before because of medical reasons, but the teacher evidently forgot about it. I’m incredibly bad with directions and easily distracted, so I lost sight of the rest of the group and went completely the wrong way. I ended up being lost for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. the best part is that I single handedly changed my school’s Phys. Ed policy.

43 . Popcorn : My sister, mother, and I were waiting in a long line at the Sam’s Club food court. The entire time I was waiting, I was mentally rehearsing what my order would be “one slice of cheese pizza please”, my mind was repeatedly screaming at me. when we got up to the cashier to pay, I got distracted by his cuteness so instead of asking for the pizza, I confidently said “one popcorn please”, which SAMs Club food court has none of. Once I realized my mistake, I screamed out “noooo”, loud enough for 50 people to look at me. embarrassed, I ran away and my mom and sister had to bring me the slice of pizza from my finding place in the freezer section. To this day, I beg people to order for me when anyone remotely attractive is working the cash register.

44 . 50 shades of butt : So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.

45 . Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best : One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing.

46 . Weed birthday : Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…

47 . That time in freshman year : So I was always the person who’d try to leave class really fast so I wouldn’t always being paying attention to some very crucial surroundings. So I’m sitting in math class where our teacher makes us put our book bags against the wall to the side of the room. The bell rings and being that kid that wants to get out I don’t bother putting all my stuff away and I just grab my RED backpack and I’m gone. I get all the way to my science class and set the book bag at my desk when LO AND BEHOLD it’s not my backpack. It’s another ALSO RED backpack that I had mistakenly took in my rush to get to science. So I have this mini freak out at my friend Seth sitting next to me. As a freshman and quite socially inept I decide not to really do anything about it until lunch which was next block. I had some paper in my arms from last class so I decided to use those and figure out everything during lunch instead of making a scene at like literally the first week of my high school career.

So we go into science class and since it’s the first week we’re always doing the scientific method lesson before anything else. My teacher asks the class for a problem we can apply to it right? Well guess who raises his hand? SETH. Now my teacher adored Seth so he gets called on and you know what his answer was?? “what if you accidentally stole someone’s backpack? like, you thought it was yours and you didn’t mean to take it” and my teacher was like why don’t you tell me more about this so Seth goes “oh it’s not my problem it’s HERS” and POINTS TO ME. Complete mortification. and even then my teacher was confused thinking I had just come up with the problem but no. only if. I hold up the stolen backpack and my teacher had the most dumbfounded look like I have never encountered someone that failed at life more than you. so he calls my math teacher yada yada I get my backpack. the worst part? We ended up continuing with that scenario and took notes on the scientific method using the very problem that I had created. my hypothesis? If I wasn’t a complete fail then I’d be able to get my own bag properly.

48 . Virtual-reality self-prostitution : I used to play a game called Phantasy Star Universe and I would be my own pimp AND my own hoe. I had my main account (let’s call him Dudeman) and my hoe account (let’s call her Galchick). so there was like the main floor area and people would like try to sell nudes for money (in-game, not IRL) and I was like “nobody actually does that… do they?” so I made Galchick and I took off her clothes so she was in her underwear, and then I said ONE thing on the main floor and some guy took the bait right away. he invited me back to his house and I was like “omg I’m sorry, I’m new to this! how do you transfer money?” and he did it to show me how… and then he asked for my character to teabag his and moan into the mic, and I was like a 15 year old boy, so instead… I just blocked him and took the money. that’s when I realized my one, true calling. I did it for months and I’d transfer the money from Galchick to Dudeman and all my friends wondered how I had super good gear. I miss that game everyday…

49 . A full sun : After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

50 . Socially awkward fail : So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

51 . Don’t sit on cold ground : So a couple weeks ago, me and my friends were sitting on this cement kind of pedestal (as we called it) It’s basically the steps up to the portable. (classroom that no one uses) and this weird supply French teacher comes up to us and says: you shouldn’t be sitting on this ground, it’s too cold and it’s bad for your ovaries. I asked her how or why and she said that if children sit on cold ground their ovaries will freeze and that we won’t be able to have kids. Now it’s an inside joke between us about not sitting on cold ground.

52 . Gay teacher : So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.

Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.

My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.

53 . Foreign student trauma : When I first moved from Lithuania to America I was 5 years old and didn’t speak any English. On the first day of kindergarten I was crying so much that my teacher picked me up and let me sit on her lap, meanwhile the rest of the kids sat on the carpet in front of me and watched me cry while she explained to them what was going on (in a language I didn’t understand). Our school was 3 buildings put together, and the pick up was at the “blue” building but my classroom was at the “red” building, so they put a sign over my neck that said “I don’t speak English and I’m going to the blue building” and sent me away to follow a crowd of other kids. I’m still traumatized…

54 . His face looks like the best chair : So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.

But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.

She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.

55 . Never wear a dress in Chicago : So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousin’s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.

Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.

One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.

56 . SonofabitchAdam : I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

57 . As it turns out, I am gay : When I was around 9 years old I was starting to get confused about my sexuality so I would always look up “Are You Gay” quizzes on our family computer because I was scared and confused, and my mom eventually saw the searches in the history and confronted me about it. I lied about it and said I had accidentally clicked an ad. As it turns out, I am gay. 

January Nelson

January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University.

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I Fell into the Fountain Twice - Essay Example

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A Brief History of the Invention of the Airplane

This essay about the invention of the airplane highlights the pioneering efforts of individuals like the Wright brothers and Alberto Santos-Dumont. It explores how their innovations in aerodynamics and propulsion led to the first successful powered, controlled flight in 1903. The essay underscores the profound impact of the airplane on society, revolutionizing transportation, communication, and commerce. From the early experiments with gliders and ornithopters to the modern jets of today, the evolution of the airplane reflects humanity’s enduring fascination with flight and our relentless pursuit of innovation.

How it works

In today’s era of global connectivity and swift travel, it’s easy to take the airplane for granted. However, the invention of this revolutionary mode of transportation marked a pivotal moment in human history. The story of the airplane’s invention is one filled with innovation, determination, and a dash of serendipity.

Contrary to popular belief, the concept of flight predates the modern airplane by centuries. Throughout history, humans have been fascinated by the idea of soaring through the skies like birds.

Early attempts at flight included everything from kites and gliders to ornithopters, which mimicked the flapping wings of birds. However, it wasn’t until the late 19th century that the dream of powered, controlled flight began to take shape.

The Wright brothers, Orville and Wilbur, are often credited with inventing the first successful airplane. In December 1903, they achieved what many had deemed impossible by making the first powered, controlled flight in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Their aircraft, the Wright Flyer, stayed aloft for 12 seconds, covering a distance of 120 feet. This groundbreaking achievement marked the birth of modern aviation and paved the way for the development of commercial air travel.

The Wright brothers’ success was the culmination of years of research, experimentation, and ingenuity. They meticulously studied the principles of aerodynamics and propulsion, applying their findings to the design and construction of their aircraft. Key innovations included the use of a lightweight engine and propellers to generate thrust, as well as a system of wing warping for lateral control. Their meticulous approach to engineering set a standard for future aviators and aircraft designers.

While the Wright brothers are rightfully celebrated as pioneers of aviation, they were not the only ones vying for the title of “first in flight.” Around the same time, other inventors and aviation enthusiasts were working on their own flying machines. Brazilian inventor Alberto Santos-Dumont, for example, made significant contributions to early aviation with his dirigible and fixed-wing aircraft designs. In 1906, he famously flew his 14-bis aircraft in front of a crowd in Paris, making the first public flight in Europe.

The invention of the airplane had far-reaching implications for society, ushering in a new era of transportation, communication, and commerce. Suddenly, distances that had once taken weeks or months to traverse could be covered in a matter of hours. The airplane revolutionized industries such as tourism, shipping, and warfare, shrinking the world and bringing people closer together.

In conclusion, the invention of the airplane was a watershed moment in human history, marking the dawn of a new age of flight. From the humble beginnings of the Wright brothers’ Flyer to the sleek, high-speed jets of today, the airplane has evolved into an indispensable tool for modern civilization. As we marvel at the wonders of air travel, let us not forget the ingenuity and perseverance of those who dared to dream of soaring through the skies.

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Cele mai bune modalități de a crește numărul de cuvinte într-un eseu

• Echipa editorială Smodin
• Publicat în: 23 Mai, 2024

Scrii un eseu de teme și te străduiești să îndeplinești cerințele privind numărul minim de cuvinte? Sau poate vi se pare dificil să adăugați substanță fără a sacrifica calitatea.

În acest ghid, vom acoperi strategii simple pentru a crește numărul de cuvinte într-un eseu, îmbunătățind și calitatea scrisului. Aceste metode includ utilizarea instrumentelor AI precum Smodin, rafinarea parafrazării și stăpânirea propozițiilor.

1. Folosiți instrumente de scriere AI

Utilizarea instrumentelor de scriere AI vă poate ajuta să vă prelungiți eseul. Aceste instrumente pot oferi asistenți în diferite moduri:

• Instrumentele AI precum Smodin vă pot analiza textul. Ei sugerează alternative, permițându-vă să extindeți ideile fără a vă afecta scrisul.
• Instrumentele AI vă pot ajuta să găsiți șanse de a despărți sau de a combina propoziții. Acest lucru va crește numărul necesar de cuvinte, păstrând în același timp lucrurile clare și fluide.
• Aceste instrumente pot recomanda sinonime. Aceștia înlocuiesc termenii generici, adăugând profunzime eseului tău.
• Asistenți de scriere AI, cum ar fi Scriitor Smodin , poate oferi sugestii personalizate pe baza subiectului și a tonului eseului. Acestea asigură că numărul de cuvinte dorit crește și se potrivește obiectivelor tale de scriere.

Adăugarea instrumentelor de scriere AI în procesul de elaborare a eseurilor poate fi o modalitate puternică de a vă crește cu ușurință numărul de cuvinte. De asemenea, pot îmbunătăți calitatea muncii dvs.

2. Scrie povestiri scurte

Adăugarea de povești la eseul tău este o modalitate convingătoare de a adăuga cuvinte și de a-ți angaja cititorii, mai ales când vine vorba de scriere creativă. Iată cum puteți utiliza în mod eficient povestirea:

• Adăugați anecdote : oferă context și detalii punctelor dvs. în timp ce adaugă cuvinte suplimentare.
• Dezvoltați personaje și scenarii vii : Folosiți-le pentru a vă ilustra ideile și pentru a adăuga profunzime scrisului.
• Folosește un limbaj viu pentru a picta o imagine pentru cititorii tăi : Îți va cufunda cititorii în poveste în timp ce îți va crește numărul de cuvinte.
• Folosiți apelul emoțional : Conectează-te cu cititorul tău prin povești. Poveștile ar trebui să evoce sentimente și să rezoneze cu experiențele lor.

Introducerea poveștilor în eseul tău crește numărul de cuvinte. De asemenea, vă face conținutul mai captivant și mai memorabil. Luați în considerare utilizarea instrumentelor AI precum Smodin. Îți pot perfecționa povestirea și pot îmbunătăți fluxul narativ.

3. Extindeți Paragrafe

Extinderea paragrafelor este o abordare strategică. Va crește numărul de cuvinte și va îmbunătăți profunzimea și coerența eseului dvs. Iată tacticile cheie pentru a vă extinde în mod eficient paragrafele:

• Adăugați detalii și explicații la punctele dvs. principale : Acest lucru vă va face scrisul mai substanțial și mai lung.
• Eliminați cuvintele de completare : Pe măsură ce vă extindeți, urmăriți cuvintele care nu adaugă sens, ceea ce vă va afecta negativ lungimea eseului.
• Consolidați paragrafele corpului : Dezvoltați-vă paragrafele corpului prin conectarea ideilor în mod logic și coeziv.
• Folosiți fraze de tranziție : Acestea vă ajută să treceți între idei și paragrafe. Îți mențin eseul curgător și măresc în mod pozitiv numărul de cuvinte.

Prin extinderea cu atenție a paragrafelor, vă puteți crește numărul de cuvinte. Acest lucru va îmbogăți calitatea și structura scrierii dvs. Instrumentele AI, cum ar fi Smodin, pot ajuta și aici. Acestea vor simplifica și îmbunătăți modul în care extindeți paragrafele.

4. Adăugați exemple

Adăugarea de exemple la eseul tău este o modalitate puternică de a-ți susține argumentele. De asemenea, vă face scrisul mai captivant. Iată câteva strategii pentru încorporarea eficientă a exemplelor în scris:

• Folosiți exemple relevante : Trebuie să se raporteze la subiect și să vă susțină argumentele. Evitați să folosiți exemple care nu au legătură sau confuză.
• Folosiți multe exemple : Aceștia pot sublinia diferite părți ale argumentului dvs. și vă pot face scrisul mai complet.
• Folosiți exemple din diferite surse : Ele oferă o imagine completă a subiectului. Ele vă arată abilitățile de a analiza și evalua diverse puncte de vedere.
• Folosiți exemple pentru a contrasta și a compara : Utilizarea exemplelor pentru a contrasta și a compara ideile le poate evidenția punctele forte și punctele slabe. Poate oferi o înțelegere mai nuanțată a subiectului.
• Folosiți exemple pentru a clarifica concepte complexe : Ele pot face conceptele mai ușor de înțeles.

Adăugarea de exemple la eseul tău oferă dovezi care să susțină argumentele tale. De asemenea, vă face scrisul mai captivant și mai persuasiv.

5. Clarificați propozițiile

Când doriți să creșteți numărul de cuvinte ale eseului, propozițiile clare sunt esențiale. Ele adaugă substanță și profunzime scrisului tău. Iată strategiile cheie pentru a îmbunătăți claritatea și a vă extinde conținutul în mod eficient:

• Oferiți mai multe detalii : Detaliați punctele cheie adăugând mai multe detalii și exemple pentru a vă îmbogăți explicațiile.
• Folosiți un limbaj descriptiv : ilustrează concepte și implică cititorii profund.
• Clarifică-ți afirmațiile : Faceți-le clare și scurte. Evitați ambiguitatea și complexitatea.
• Subliniați punctele cheie : Faceți acest lucru pentru a vă consolida argumentele și pentru a oferi o înțelegere completă.
• Adăugați mai multă adâncime : Aprofundați subiecte prin explorarea diferitelor unghiuri și perspective pentru a vă îmbogăți analiza și a clarifica afirmațiile.
• Evitați informațiile inutile : Decupați detaliile care nu contează sau adăugați ideile principale. Acest lucru vă păstrează scrisul clar.

Aceste strategii vă vor ajuta să vă clarificați propozițiile și să adăugați profunzime conținutului. De asemenea, vor crește numărul de cuvinte, păstrând eseul dvs. relevant și coerent.

6. Folosiți cotațiile

Folosirea citatelor în eseul tău poate crește numărul de cuvinte și poate adăuga credibilitate și profunzime argumentelor tale. Iată câteva modalități eficiente de a folosi citatele în scris:

• Folosiți citate din surse de calitate : Vor oferi dovezi solide pentru afirmațiile dumneavoastră.
• Adăugarea de autoritate : Citatele experților sau personalităților cunoscute pot adăuga un sentiment de autoritate scrisului dvs. și pot spori validitatea argumentelor dvs.
• Sublinierea punctelor cheie: Similar cu utilizarea exemplelor, citatele pot fi folosite pentru a evidenția idei sau perspective cheie care se aliniază cu argumentul dvs.
• Oferiți puncte de vedere diferite : Integrați citatele cu diverse puncte de vedere. Ele îmbogățesc discuția și arată o înțelegere completă a subiectului.
• Folosiți ghilimele în mod strategic : Vă vor întări argumentele și vă vor convinge cititorii.
• Citați citate relevante : Nu uitați să citați corect citatele, conform instrucțiunilor școlii sau universității dvs.

Folosind cu pricepere citatele, vă puteți îmbunătăți scrisul, vă puteți crește numărul de cuvinte și vă puteți îmbogăți eseul cu perspective și perspective valoroase.

7. Extindeți introducerea și concluzia

Introducerea și încheierea eseului dvs. sunt cruciale. Prin extinderea acestor secțiuni, vă puteți crește numărul de cuvinte și puteți consolida coerența și impactul scrisului dvs.

Extinderea introducerii:

• Oferiți mai multe detalii : Începeți eseul cu un cârlig mai detaliat și mai captivant pentru a capta atenția cititorului.
• Introduceți subiectul în detaliu : Petreceți mai mult timp stabilind contextul și oferindu-i fundal.
• Conectați ideile : Faceți conexiuni clare între introducerea și corpul eseului. Acest lucru asigură o tranziție lină.
• Arată-ți scrisul : Introducerea dă tonul întregului eseu. Încercați să vă prezentați bine abilitățile de scris încă de la prima propoziție.
• Scrieți ultima introducere : Deși aceasta poate părea o abordare inversată, este cea mai bună modalitate de a vă asigura că includeți toate detaliile necesare în introducerea dvs.

Extinderea concluziei:

• Revizuiți punctele cheie : Rezumați argumentele și ideile principale din eseul dvs. Oferă o recapitulare completă pentru cititorii tăi.
• Oferiți mai multe informații : Explorați sensul mai larg al subiectului dvs. Sau sugerați noi subiecte de cercetare și discuții.
• Leagă concluzia ta de introducere : Acest lucru va crea un eseu coeziv.
• Scrie cu intentie : Investește timp pentru a crea o concluzie atentă. Faceți impactul să lăsați o impresie de durată asupra profesorului sau profesorului dvs.

Adăugând la introducerea și concluzia dvs., puteți crește numărul de cuvinte ale eseului. De asemenea, veți îmbunătăți structura, coerența și impactul scrisului dvs.

8. Adăugați fraze de tranziție

După cum am menționat, adăugarea frazelor de tranziție la eseul de la școală sau colegiu este o modalitate strategică de a vă crește numărul de cuvinte. De asemenea, îmbunătățește fluxul și coerența scrierii tale. Aceste fraze acționează ca punți între idei. Îți ajută cititorii să navigheze fără probleme în eseul tău.

Iată câteva modalități eficiente de a utiliza expresii de tranziție pentru a crește numărul de cuvinte:

• Folosiți cuvinte și expresii de tranziție pentru a vă conecta ideile. Faceți acest lucru atât pentru paragrafe, cât și pentru secțiuni. Acesta vă va face eseul coeziv și bine structurat.
• Utilizați o varietate de tranziții. Încercați o serie de expresii, cum ar fi „în plus”, „în plus”, „pe de altă parte” și „în concluzie”. Ele vor adăuga profunzime și complexitate scrisului tău.
• Asigurați-vă că expresiile pe care le utilizați sunt potrivite pentru context. Ar trebui să vă ghideze cititorii prin argumentele dvs.

Adăugând expresii de tranziție la eseul tău, poți crește numărul de cuvinte. Acest lucru va îmbunătăți, de asemenea, claritatea, fluxul și coerența scrisului dvs.

Lăsați Smodin să vă sporească numărul de cuvinte

A învăța să creșteți numărul de cuvinte în eseuri nu este doar despre cantitate. Este, de asemenea, despre îmbunătățirea calității și impactului scrisului dvs.

Aceste tehnici vă vor schimba propriul proces de scriere și vă vor ajuta să scrieți eseuri și lucrări de cercetare care rezonează cu profesorii și profesorii dvs., indiferent de câte cuvinte aveți nevoie.

Platforme precum Smodin folosesc AI pentru a oferi o soluție simplă pentru scrierea eseurilor. Ele vă ajută să vă măriți cu ușurință numărul de cuvinte. Iată cum vă poate ajuta Smodin:

• Smodin folosește AI pentru a-ți analiza textul și sugerează modalități de a adăuga cuvinte pe lângă eliminarea cuvintelor inutile.
• Smodin poate ajuta la parafrazare. De asemenea, poate adăuga profunzime și lungime propozițiilor.
• Utilizați Smodin pentru a vă îmbunătăți scrisul. Oferă sugestii despre gramatică și stil.
• Recomandări personalizate pentru a se potrivi nevoilor și obiectivelor dvs. specifice de scriere.

Explorați astăzi serviciile Smodin pentru a vă îmbunătăți scrisul.

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Guest Essay

I Don’t Write Like Alice Munro, but I Want to Live Like Her

By Sheila Heti

Ms. Heti is the author of the novels “Pure Colour,” “How Should a Person Be?” and, most recently, “Alphabetical Diaries.”

It is common to say “I was heartbroken to hear” that so-and-so died, but I really do feel heartbroken having learned about Alice Munro, who died on Monday.

As a writer, she modeled, in her life and art, that one must work with emotional sincerity and precision and concentration and depth — not on every kind of writing but on only one kind, the kind closest to one’s heart.

She has long been a North Star for many writers and was someone I have always felt guided by. We are very different writers, but I have kept her in mind, daily and for decades, as an example to follow (but failed to follow to the extent that she demonstrated it): that a fiction writer isn’t someone for hire.

A fiction writer isn’t someone who can write anything — movies, articles, obits! She isn’t a person in service to the magazines, to the newspapers, to the publishers or even to her audience. She doesn’t have to speak on the political issues of the day or on matters of importance to the culture right now but ought first and most to attend seriously to her task, which is her only task, writing the particular thing she was most suited to write.

Ms. Munro only ever wrote short stories — not novels, though she must have been pressured to. She died in a small town not too far from where she was born, choosing to remain close to the sort of people she grew up with, whom she remained ever curious about. Depth is wherever one stands, she showed us, convincingly.

Fiction writers are people, supposedly, who have things to say; they must, because they are so good with words. So people are always asking them: Can you say something about this or about this? But the art of hearing the voice of a fictional person or sensing a fictional world or working for years on some unfathomable creation is, in fact, the opposite of saying something with the opinionated and knowledgeable part of one’s mind. It is rather the humble craft of putting your opinions and ego aside and letting something be said through you.

Ms. Munro held to this division and never let the vanity that can come with being good with words persuade her to put her words just everywhere, in every possible way. Here was the best example in the world — in Canada, my own land — of someone who seemed to abide by classical artistic values in her choices as a person and in her choices on the page. I felt quietly reassured knowing that a hundred kilometers down the road was Alice Munro.

She was also an example of how a writer should be in public: modest, unpretentious, funny, generous and kind. I learned the lesson of generosity from her early. When I was 20 and was just starting to publish short stories, I sent her a fan letter. I don’t remember what my letter said. After a few months, I received a handwritten thank-you note from her in the mail. The fact that she replied at all and did so with such care taught me a lot about grace and consideration and has remained as a warmth within me since that day.

She will always remain for me, and for many others, a model of that grave yet joyous dedication to art — a dedication that inevitably informs the most important choices the artist makes about how to support that life. Probably Ms. Munro would laugh at this; no one knows the compromises another makes, especially when that person is as private as she was and transforms her trials into fiction. Yet whatever the truth of her daily existence, she still shines as a symbol of artistic purity and care.

I am grateful for all she gave to the world and for all the sacrifices she must have made to give it. I’m sorry to be here defying her example, but she was just too loved, and these words just came. Thank you, Alice Munro.

Sheila Heti is the author of the novels “Pure Colour,” “How Should a Person Be?” and, most recently, “Alphabetical Diaries.”

The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips . And here’s our email: [email protected] .

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The best comedy movies of 2024 so far

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Share All sharing options for: The best comedy movies of 2024 so far

It’s been a bit of a slow time of year for comedy movies, but 2024 has enough laugh-out loud gems to round out a list. And there’s a wide variety of sub-genres to pick from: musical reboots, existential animated kids’ movies, campy horror flicks, and even a DC parody.

So behold: the best comedy movies of 2024 so far. This list will continue to be updated throughout the year, and will be sorted in reverse chronological order, so the newest movies always show up first.

Where to watch: In theaters May 17

Director Pamela Adlon ( Better Things ) gets nitty and gritty about the epic highs and lows of pregnancy in Babes , but the best part is the central relationship between two best friends. Eden (Ilana Glazer), a single yoga teacher, and Dawn (Michelle Buteau), a married dentist with two kids, have been besties for decades — and even though their life priorities are a bit different now, they make time for each other.

Eden finds herself pregnant after a one-night stand, and decides to go through with having the baby. It’s a new stage of their relationship, especially as Dawn struggles with balancing her job, her family, and her friendship with Eden, all while Eden embarks on this scary journey of single motherhood. It’s wickedly funny, but also says a lot about the strain adulthood puts on friendships. — Petrana Radulovic

The People’s Joker

Where to watch: Limited theaters

Director-star Vera Drew initially planned The People’s Joker as a found footage movie , pulling together clips from Joker’s past, present, and future to create a new Jokerfied experience. While the found footage element didn’t happen, the end result ( after a brief delay over rights issues ) is a breath of fresh, satirical air in our IP-saturated landscape, part of a new wave of trans-authored cinema that is shaking up what mainstream audiences can experience in trans film.

The People’s Joker cleverly uses the DC canon as grounding for the setting, an avenue to explore gender expression, and for comedy, subverting expectations of these well-known characters. But my favorite part of the movie is how Vera utilizes many different styles of animation from many different creators to create a mixed media effect. It’s unlike anything else you’ll see this year. — Pete Volk

Wicked Little Letters

Where to watch: In theaters, or for digital rental/purchase on Amazon , Apple TV

The true story of the Littlehampton poison pen letter scandal of 1923 is a fairly depressing one, another in a long line of reminders that justice systems depend on people’s judgment, and people are notoriously prone to prejudice, stereotypes, and other forms of confirmation bias that get in the way of the truth. But Thea Sharrock’s lively (and heavily fictionalized) British comedy about the scandal addresses those points with a light perspective that offers a little uplift and a lot of good humor. International treasure Olivia Colman ( The Favourite ) stars as Edith Swan, a pious working-class spinster who starts getting obscene anonymous letters; Jessie Buckley is her neighbor, Rose Gooding, a foul-mouthed libertine accused of writing them, in an era where calling someone a “foxy ass whore” in print was enough to warrant a prison sentence at hard labor.

The absolute shock and disbelief Edith and Rose’s entire community feels over seeing words like “asshole” in print is part of the humor here, but a lot more of it comes from Jonny Sweet’s bouncy, winking script, which keeps the action zippy and highlights the ironies of an entire community full of hypocrites delighting in their self-righteous offense at the letters. (Any metaphor for today’s online communications is strictly intended.) Colman and Buckley’s performances add a terrific edge to it all, but this is an ensemble piece at heart, and Anjana Vasan as a lady detective trying to wade through institutional sexism rounds out the cast for a lively, sparky story that isn’t particularly believable as history, but sure lands well as funny, engaging metaphor. — Tasha Robinson

Drive-Away Dolls

Where to watch: Digital rental/purchase on Amazon / Apple TV

Don’t get fooled by only seeing one Coen name in the credits; Drive-Away Dolls (or its original title, which still appears in the credits: Drive-Away Dykes ) has the same hilarious crime-caper spirit that marks all of the Coen brothers’ best early works.

The ’90s-set movie follows two lesbian friends (Margaret Qualley and Geraldine Viswanathan) on an East Coast road trip with two clueless gangsters hot on their trail. Equal parts excellent friends-on-the-road movie and crime comedy, Drive-Away Dolls is an early contender for the most fun movie of 2024, and one that will likely be hard to beat. — Austen Goslin

Lisa Frankenstein

Where to watch: Peacock or for digital rental/purchase on Amazon / Apple TV

Sometimes, you just want to see Kathryn Newton wear increasingly elaborate ’80s goth outfits as she and an undead Victorian musician go around killing people who’ve wronged her.

Lisa Frankenstein is a loving homage-slash-parody of old schlocky horror comedies, and even though some of the connective tissue is missing from scene to scene, it’s a shockingly good time. — PR

Orion and the Dark

Where to watch: Netflix

On its surface, Orion and the Dark seems like a standard fairy-tale-like children’s story about a scared boy meeting the personification of Darkness, who helps him get over his fears. But it takes a twisty turn when it’s revealed this story is being told by a grown-up version of that little boy to his daughter.

It’s not just a cute framing device, but one that warps the story and makes it way weirder than when it starts out (in the best way). — PR

Hundreds of Beavers

Where to watch: Fandor, free with a library card on Hoopla, or digital rental/purchase on Amazon and Apple TV

“What if Looney Tunes, but for adults, and filtered through video games and silent slapstick comedy?” That’s the genius combination that makes Hundreds of Beavers one of the most special movies of the year, a pure expression of cinematic comedy that will have you laughing in stitches. The low-budget indie follows Jean Kayak (Ryland Brickson Cole Twes), a trapper trying to survive in the harsh winter of the Great Lakes region. He’s surrounded by hundreds of beavers (which are presented as people in mascot beaver costumes) who view him as a threat, and he must solve a series of problems and puzzles to survive and thrive in the harsh environment.

Ludicrously silly and packed to the brim with jaw-dropping gags and special effects on its limited budgets, Hundreds of Beavers is the funniest movie I’ve seen in years. It’s the perfect antidote for what has ailed mainstream American comedy for years, by actually bringing back jokes instead of just the tone of comedy. I can not recommend it highly enough. — PV

Where to watch: Paramount Plus

Fans of the Broadway musical Mean Girls , based on the 2004 movie Mean Girls , have understandably bridled against some of the changes in this screen adaptation, from the many songs cut from the Broadway version to the casting of protagonist Cady Heron . But while it’s an imperfect translation of the stage experience, it still stands on its own as a lively, creatively staged movie that puts plenty of verve into its catchy, inviting musical numbers.

The performances aren’t out to replace the 2004 version of the movie: They’re new interpretations, delivered with big musical energy. This is a tremendously fun movie, designed to send people home singing. — TR

Self Reliance

Where to watch: Hulu

Jake Johnson’s directorial debut follows a man who’s so at sea after a breakup that he agrees to star in an underground reality competition where he tries to survive for a month with assassins trying to kill him. But Self Reliance isn’t the kind of manic thriller that premise suggests; Johnson told Polygon it’s much more of a mashup of two of his favorite movies : Wes Anderson’s Bottle Rocket and the Adrian Lyne thriller Jacob’s Ladder . That’s an odd combination of improbably dissimilar projects, but they coalesce into an offbeat indie comedy about human connection, and the mortifying ordeal of trying to be known by people who aren’t all that interested in the knowing.

Produced by The Lonely Island and featuring Andy Samberg playing himself in a pretty hilarious cameo, Self Reliance has some of the same dry humor and secret sentiment as the group’s movie Palm Springs , but with even smaller stakes and even less predictable storytelling. It’s goofy stuff, but it’s an enjoyably light story that’s designed to keep the audience guessing. And it’s just about impossible to watch without wondering: Would I do any better under these circumstances? — TR

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