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A Father's Legacy: Reflecting on the Narrative of Losing My Dad

Table of contents, introduction, a guiding light and endless love, the unfathomable farewell, navigating the rapids of grief, a continuation of love.

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Narrative Essay on Losing a Loved One

Losing a loved one is a profound experience that reshapes our lives in ways we never imagined. It’s a journey through grief that challenges our resilience, alters our perspectives, and ultimately teaches us about the depth of love and the impermanence of life. This narrative essay explores the emotional odyssey of losing a loved one, weaving through the stages of grief, the search for meaning, and the slow, often painful, journey towards healing.

The Unthinkable Reality

It was an ordinary Tuesday morning when the phone rang, shattering the normalcy of my life. The voice on the other end was calm yet distant, bearing the kind of news that instantly makes your heart sink. My beloved grandmother, who had been battling a long illness, had passed away in her sleep. Despite the inevitability of this moment, I was not prepared for the crushing weight of the reality that I would never see her again. The initial shock was numbing, a protective cloak that shielded me from the full impact of my loss.

The Onslaught of Grief

In the days that followed, grief washed over me in waves. At times, it was a quiet sadness that lingered in the background of my daily activities. At others, it was a torrential downpour of emotions, leaving me gasping for air. I struggled with the finality of death, replaying our last conversations, wishing for one more moment to express my love and gratitude. Anger, confusion, and disbelief intermingled, forming a tumultuous storm of feelings I could neither control nor understand.

The rituals of mourning—funeral arrangements, sympathy cards, and memorial services—offered a semblance of structure amidst the chaos. Yet, they also served as stark reminders of the gaping void left by my grandmother’s absence. Stories and memories shared by friends and family painted a rich tapestry of her life, highlighting the profound impact she had on those around her. Through tear-stained eyes, I began to see the extent of my loss, not just as a personal tragedy but as a collective one.

The Search for Meaning

As the initial shock subsided, my grief evolved into a quest for meaning. I sought solace in religion, philosophy, and the arts, searching for answers to the unanswerable questions of life and death. I learned that grief is a universal experience, a fundamental part of the human condition that transcends cultures, religions, and time periods. This realization brought a sense of connection to those who had walked this path before me, offering a glimmer of comfort in my darkest moments.

I also found meaning in honoring my grandmother’s legacy. She was a woman of incredible strength, kindness, and wisdom, who had touched the lives of many. By embodying her values and continuing her work, I could keep her spirit alive. Volunteering, pursuing passions that we shared, and passing on her stories to younger generations became ways to heal and to make sense of a world without her.

The Journey Towards Healing

Healing from the loss of a loved one is neither linear nor predictable. There were days when I felt overwhelmed by sadness, and others when I could smile at fond memories. I learned to accept that grief is not something to be “overcome” but rather integrated into my life. It has become a part of who I am, shaping my understanding of love, loss, and the preciousness of life.

Support from friends, family, and sometimes strangers, who shared their own stories of loss, played a crucial role in my healing process. Their empathy and understanding provided a safe space to express my feelings, to cry, to laugh, and to remember. Counseling and support groups offered additional perspectives and coping strategies, highlighting the importance of seeking help and connection in times of sorrow.

Reflections on Love and Loss

Through this journey, I have come to understand that the pain of loss is a testament to the depth of our love. Grieving deeply means we have loved deeply, and this is both the curse and the beauty of human connections. The scars of loss never truly fade, but they become bearable, interwoven with the love and memories we hold dear.

Losing a loved one is a transformative experience that teaches us about resilience, compassion, and the enduring power of love. It reminds us to cherish the time we have with those we love, to express our feelings openly, and to live fully in the present moment. While the absence of a loved one leaves an irreplaceable void, their influence continues to shape our lives in profound ways.

In closing, the journey through grief is uniquely personal, yet universally shared. It challenges us to find strength we didn’t know we had, to seek connection in our shared humanity, and to discover meaning in the face of loss. Though we may never “get over” the loss of a loved one, we learn to carry their legacy forward, finding solace in the love that never dies but transforms over time.

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Narrative About Losing My Dad

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Published: Mar 20, 2024

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Essays About Losing a Loved One: Top 5 Examples

Writing essays about losing a loved one can be challenging; discover our helpful guide with essay examples and writing prompts to help you begin writing. 

One of the most basic facts of life is that it is unpredictable. Nothing on this earth is permanent, and any one of us can pass away in the blink of an eye. But unfortunately, they leave behind many family members and friends who will miss them very much whenever someone dies.

The most devastating news can ruin our best days, affecting us negatively for the next few months and years. When we lose a loved one, we also lose a part of ourselves. Even if the loss can make you feel hopeless at times, finding ways to cope healthily, distract yourself, and move on while still honoring and remembering the deceased is essential.

5 Top Essay Examples

1. losing a loved one by louis barker, 2. personal reflections on coping and loss by adrian furnham , 3. losing my mom helped me become a better parent by trish mann, 4. reflection – dealing with grief and loss by joe joyce.

• 5. ​​Will We Always Hurt on The Anniversary of Losing a Loved One? by Anne Peterson

1. Is Resilience Glorified in Society?

2. how to cope with a loss, 3. reflection on losing a loved one, 4. the stages of grief, 5. the circle of life, 6. how different cultures commemorate losing a loved one.

“I managed to keep my cool until I realized why I was seeing these familiar faces. Once the service started I managed to keep my emotions in tack until I saw my grandmother break down. I could not even look up at her because I thought about how I would feel in the same situation. Your life can change drastically at any moment. Do not take life or the people that you love for granted, you are only here once.”

Barker reflects on how he found out his uncle had passed away. The writer describes the events leading up to the discovery, contrasting the relaxed, cheerful mood and setting that enveloped the house with the feelings of shock, dread, and devastation that he and his family felt once they heard. He also recalls his family members’ different emotions and mannerisms at the memorial service and funeral. 

“Most people like to believe that they live in a just, orderly and stable world where good wins out in the end. But what if things really are random? Counselors and therapists talk about the grief process and grief stages. Given that nearly all of us have experienced major loss and observed it in others, might one expect that people would be relatively sophisticated in helping the grieving?”

Furnham, a psychologist, discusses the stages of grief and proposes six different responses to finding out about one’s loss or suffering: avoidance, brief encounters, miracle cures, real listeners, practical help, and “giving no quarter.” He discusses this in the context of his wife’s breast cancer diagnosis, after which many people displayed these responses. Finally, Furnham mentions the irony that although we have all experienced and observed losing a loved one, no one can help others grieve perfectly.

“When I look in the mirror, I see my mom looking back at me from coffee-colored eyes under the oh-so-familiar crease of her eyelid. She is still here in me. Death does not take what we do not relinquish. I have no doubt she is sitting beside me when I am at my lowest telling me, ‘You can do this. You got this. I believe in you.’”

In Mann’s essay, she tries to see the bright side of her loss; despite the anguish she experienced due to her mother’s passing. Expectedly, she was incredibly depressed and had difficulty accepting that her mom was gone. But, on the other hand, she began to channel her mom into parenting her children, evoking the happy memories they once shared. She is also amused to see the parallels between her and her kids with her and her mother growing up. 

“Now I understood that these feelings must be allowed expression for as long as a person needs. I realized that the “don’t cry” I had spoken on many occasions in the past was not of much help to grieving persons, and that when I had used those words I had been expressing more my own discomfort with feelings of grief and loss than paying attention to the need of mourners to express them.”

Joyce, a priest, writes about the time he witnessed the passing of his cousin on his deathbed. Having experienced this loss right as it happened, he was understandably shaken and realized that all his preachings of “don’t cry” were unrealistic. He compares this instance to a funeral he attended in Pakistan, recalling the importance of letting grief take its course while not allowing it to consume you. 

5. ​​ Will We Always Hurt on The Anniversary of Losing a Loved One? by Anne Peterson

“Death. It’s certain. And we can’t do anything about that. In fact, we are not in control of many of the difficult circumstances of our lives, but we are responsible for how we respond to them. And I choose to honor their memory.”

Peterson discusses how she feels when she has to commemorate the anniversary of losing a loved one. She recalls the tragic deaths of her sister, two brothers, and granddaughter and describes her guilt and anger. Finally, she prays to God, asking him to help her; because of a combination of prayer and self-reflection, she can look back on these times with peace and hope that they will reunite one day. 

6 Thought-Provoking Writing Prompts on Essays About Losing A Loved One

Society tends to praise those who show resilience and strength, especially in times of struggle, such as losing a loved one. However, praising a person’s resilience can prevent them from feeling the pain of loss and grief. This essay explores how glorifying resilience can prevent a person from healing from painful events. Be sure to include examples of this issue in society and your own experiences, if applicable.

Loss is always tricky, especially involving someone close to your heart. Reflect on your personal experiences and how you overcame your grief for an effective essay. Create an essay to guide readers on how to cope with loss. If you can’t pull ideas from your own experiences, research and read other people’s experiences with overcoming loss in life.

If you have experienced losing a loved one, use this essay to describe how it made you feel. Discuss how you reacted to this loss and how it has impacted who you are today. Writing an essay like this may be sensitive for many. If you don’t feel comfortable with this topic, you can write about and analyze the loss of a loved one in a book, movie, or TV show you have seen. 

When we lose a loved one, grief is expected. There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Discuss each one and how they all connect. You can write a compelling essay by including examples of how the different stages are manifested in books, television, and maybe even your own experiences. 

Death is often regarded as a part of a so-called “circle of life,” most famously shown through the film, The Lion King . In summary, it explains that life goes on and always ends with death. For an intriguing essay topic, reflect on this phrase and discuss what it means to you in the context of losing a loved one. For example, perhaps keeping this in mind can help you cope with the loss. 

Different cultures have different traditions, affected by geography, religion, and history. Funerals are no exception to this; in your essay, research how different cultures honor their deceased and compare and contrast them. No matter how different they may seem, try finding one or two similarities between your chosen traditions. 

If you’d like to learn more, our writer explains how to write an argumentative essay in this guide.For help picking your next essay topic, check out our 20 engaging essay topics about family .

Martin is an avid writer specializing in editing and proofreading. He also enjoys literary analysis and writing about food and travel.

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The Grief Narrative: My Sob Story

  Sorry it took so long to write this, but I think finally realized the true point of AfterTalk .  I can’t quite describe it, but writing this post brought me to a place I had always been afraid to go, to thoughts that I didn’t want to confess to even the abyss of my computer.  I went there when I wrote this piece, and although it was extremely painful at the time, the experience was followed by a new kind of healing that I had never opened myself up to before.  I hope you enjoy it.

  Thank you so much,

 Sincerely,

 Caitlin Dorman

For the past few weeks I have tried to sit down and write a blog post about my dad’s illness.  My father’s 18-month battle and the years following his death in 2010 are the dominant narrative of my life, so theoretically this task should be easy.  This task should be easy, because this was the story that got me internships, homework extensions, scholarships and ultimately my college acceptance.  I’ve been in therapy for six years and this is all we talk about.  I know this story like the back of my hand, so this post should be less of synthesis and more of selection from my greatest hits.  I could write about when I said goodbye to him, and the texture of the chair I was sitting in at the time.  I could write about the heavy shovel I lifted up three times to bury my dad’s coffin, and how to this day I still cannot understand why 15-year-old me didn’t bang on the wooden door in that grave and beg him to stay.  Both of those are serious tearjerkers.  But no, I won’t write about that.

Growing up in the wake of my father’s untimely death, one of the main obstacles I have faced is my inability to escape from my own grief narrative.  In a way I am a merchant, and the currency I deal in is sadness.  My main job has been articulating my experience and getting other people to cry about it.  I do not see this changing any time soon.  I see a long and possibly bright future of moving others to tears.

This is not at all to say that my stories are insincere.  It is, in fact, the complete opposite.  My memories are so raw that I haven’t been able to form clear-cut, easily identifiable emotions to go along with them.  This I why I take the role of the storyteller: to elicit a reaction in others that I am still unable to bring up in myself.  But things have changed.  I choke on my delivery now.  A short piece on my experience that should’ve taken minutes instead took weeks.  Now it’s hard to connect with these stories I tell, because I feel the pressure to always end on a happy note.  I strike a chord in my listener, and then I quickly backtrack into how grateful I am to have such a wonderful support network, etc., etc.  I need to show people that I am a worthy investment, not a damaged good that’s going to deteriorate in the years to come.

At this point I am sure that you can tell this way of life is no longer satisfying; that this is no way to heal.  I would stop all of the sugarcoating, but I don’t know how to do so.  If not this story, then what?  What can I possibly say?

I lost my father when I was fifteen.  Perhaps the issue is that I don’t want to tell adult stories anymore.  I don’t want to perform for my peers.  I want to write a children’s book.  Here it goes:

A girl couldn’t find her dad, so she wrote him a letter.

  Dear Daddy,

  I miss you.  Every night I stay up and wait for the sound of your key unlocking the door, but you don’t come home.  I don’t understand why you’ve been gone so long, but I forgive you.   Just please come back soon.

  Love Caitlin

  He finally received the letter, and he came home.  They lived happily ever after.

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About the author.

Caitlin Dorman

1 thought on “the grief narrative: my sob story”.

Heartbreakingly beautiful. Wow. You are a tremendously gifted writer. Processing the death of a parent at that age seems impossible to me. Allowing us a glimpse of your journey is as generous as it is weirdly fascinating. I didn’t want it to stop yet I felt I shouldn’t be reading it. It was as welcoming as it was intimate. Everything about this points to your being a truly remarkable person. I can only imagine how proud your Dad would be.

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A Chance to Say Goodbye: Reflections on Losing a Parent

A Chance to Say Goodbye:

Reflections on losing a parent.

Available on Kindle and paperback on  Amazon ,  Barnes and Noble and Indie Bound .

Throughout the years, Lisa and her dad had a tenuous relationship. In her youth, she was disappointed and angered by his behavior, distancing herself from him and blaming him for the sudden end to their intact comfortable family life. As a young adult and after her father’s sudden heart attack, Lisa was given a second chance to heal their relationship. Over the next three decades, they became closer, enjoying time together, including travel. When her dad entered his eighties, and while still raising her own children, Lisa found herself unprepared for his steady health decline. Suddenly, she was thrust into the role of overseeing his care as he began to experience increasing disability and the beginnings of dementia.

2017 Human Relations Indie Book Awards

Gold Winner in “Aging Family” & Honorable Mention in “Life Journey”

A Chance to Say Goodbye gives rise to reflections about what is important in living and dying.

Not having prepared for or anticipated such a role, Lisa floundered as she attempted to address his ever-changing situation. The closeness and healing they had achieved was challenged as her father resisted conversations about his failing health and his care, exacerbated by a western medical system that fell short to prepare them for the end of his life.

A moving tribute to a remarkable man and a daughter’s experience of losing her dad, A Chance to Say Goodbye gives rise to reflections about what is important in living and dying.

2017 Living Now Book Awards

 Bronze Winner in “Mature Living/Aging” 

Available Online at these retailers

2017 National Indie Excellence Awards

Finalist in “Death and Dying” 

Editorial Reviews

Starred Review  “Part tribute, part memoir, part guide, A Chance to Say Goodbye succeeds on all counts, with lyrical writing and thorough research… In recounting her father’s story, Shultz enables readers to share in her loss. And she offers a wealth of practical advice on everything from writing an obituary to clearing out a house… Thought provoking and absorbing, A Chance to Say Goodbye has much to offer readers willing to confront the challenging subject of end-of-life.”  — BlueInk Review

This book can change our entire society for the better and allow everyone ‘a chance to say goodbye’ with those we love.” — Karen M. Wyatt MD, author of What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying, wrote the foreword to A Chance to Say Goodbye .

2017 Best Book Awards

Finalist in “Health: Aging/50+”

Featured in

• June 2017, Family Caregiver Support blog I wrote describing the reasons I wrote the book.
• June 2017, A Chance to Say Goodbye was featured on Book of the Week on No Shelf Required .
• June 2018, HomeWatch Caregivers featured a Q & A about caregiving.

More Praise for a Chance to Say Goodbye

“This personal narrative of a universal experience is both touching and useful. Lisa gently guides the way through navigating the death of a parent, an experience many will face but few will be prepared for. Her honesty on a difficult topic is refreshing. After reading this book, I feel more confident in facing what lies ahead.” Gwen Van Velsor, Author of Follow That Arrow

“A Chance to Say Goodbye is a book anyone who has aging parents needs to read. The experience of parenting a parent through medical, financial, and even the issues of daily living can be so frustrating and isolating. Read Lisa’s book and you’ll know you’re not alone. You’ll gain key understanding for the time when you are about to enter this phase with a parent. Insightful and beautifully written!” Gayla Wick, Author of The Art of Attracting Authentic Love

“Lisa shares a touching life experience in A Chance to Say Goodbye: Reflections on Losing a Parent. Part memoir, part historical documentary, part tutorial on aging and dying, this wonderful work does not leave anything out in preparing for the journey of losing a loved one. Her thorough research gives the reader many resources to consider and her well-chosen quotes comfort, inspire and challenge one’s spirit for the time they begin this difficult journey. Death is a natural part of Life’s progression, and Lisa helps the reader navigate this season with much tenderness and honesty.” Connie Pshigoda Author of The Wise Woman’s Almanac: A Seasonal Guide with Recipes for New Beginnings that Never Go Out of Season

“This book is deeply personal and insightful. You’re sure to gain valuable knowledge as well as important tools and resources from Lisa’s exceptional book. She offers honest emotions from her experience. I also enjoyed getting to “know” her father as a vibrant and healthy man, prior to his failing health. A must-read!” Kate Heartsong, Author of Deeply We Are One

“A Chance to Say Goodbye is a labor of love and a must-read. The author tells a heartwarming and heart-wrenching account of her relationship with her father. In today’s society, we avoid thinking of the later years in our relative’s lives. This book should remind all adult children with aging parents that they must prepare for their loved ones’ future as well as their own. Thank you, Lisa! “ Karen Owen-Lee Author of The Caring Code and The Caring Crisis, CEO and founder of Housing Options for Seniors, Inc.

“If you are in the sandwich generation, you need this book. Lisa Shultz’s honest, compassionate, and compelling exploration of her own reactions in assisting her dad to complete his life make the process of caring for and losing an aging parent unflinchingly real. The resources she discovered and shares will help you prepare to meet the inevitable challenges that arise when you assume similar responsibilities. Dr. Laurie Weiss Author of Letting It Go: Relieve Anxiety and Toxic Stress in Just a Few Minutes Using Only Words

“This is an outstanding book about Life, Death, and Caretaking. Beginning with a biography of her father, A Chance to Say Goodbye is not just a memoir, but rather sets the scene for her experiences and frustrations as her father’s caregiver at the end of his life. She gently explains her experience as daughter and supervisor of his final years. Finally, Lisa masterfully moves into ‘how to mode’ and gives a detailed blueprint of the steps each of us might follow to prevent the difficulties she experienced. A worthwhile book about a very difficult subject, it is beautifully written, interesting, and personal, moving the reader effortlessly though the frustrations of caretaking, dying, and death. After reading it, you will be grateful to Lisa Shultz for her insights on this sensitive subject.” Rhondda Hartman Award-Winning Author of Natural Childbirth Exercises for the Best Birth Ever and Natural Childbirth Exercise Essentials

“Full of resources and insights, A Chance to Say Goodbye is a helpful read for anyone navigating the journey with an aging loved one. The section on the caregiver’s own grieving process is just as helpful as how to talk to your loved one about their impending death.”  Jan Haas Author of Moving Mountains: One Woman’s Fight to Live Again

“With captivating transparency, Lisa Shultz shares fun memories, uncertainties, fears, emotions, and challenges of becoming the caregiver, watching her father slowly weaken. The insights and lessons learned will prove valuable to those being cared for as well as those involved with end-of-life matters on behalf of a loved one. The resources and questions Lisa includes will be helpful to anyone facing such decisions.”  Ted Dreier Author of Take Your Life Off Hold

“Lisa’s book is written with heartfelt openness, wisdom and thoughtfulness. She shares with us her life-long journey with her father and addresses her changing role and numerous challenges, truly bringing me a sense of peace regarding having been caretaker for my own father until his death several years ago. Lisa also gives important guidance for all of us in taking care of practical matters while we can.” L iz Sower

“Award-winning author, Lisa J. Shultz, writes a book for the times. She tackles subject matter that Baby Boomers will clearly identify. The subject of this book takes a look at the complicated relationship between father, and daughter. This because of a shared history, family relationships, and the thoughtfulness involved, when a daughter becomes, caregiver in-chief.

The story weaves family history, with the issues the caregiving child must face, to take care of a parent. What happens when the parent becomes, the child, and the child, becomes the parent? Well, Lisa, with her beautiful writing, artistry, answers the question, with detail, a heartfelt storyline, and the practical knowledge needed when you have to say Goodbye.

It is difficult to say goodbye to a parent, and in some ways, you never get over it, so this book is part self-exploration, and part a guide book to others. When the parent is gone, you are consumed by memory, by dreams, and by the practical aspects of cleaning out the house. Do you move on? Probably not. So if you are in a situation where you can identify with the subject matter, of family history, to caregiving to saying Goodbye, I highly recommend this book—“A Chance To Say Goodbye, by Lisa J. Shultz.” Rick Bava Author of In Search of the Baby Boomer Generation

Read additional reviews on Goodreads and  Amazon

Check out Best Books on End-of-Life Planning . 

Copyright © 2024 Lisa J. Shultz

Narrating the Death of a Parent

The social importance and significance of death..

Posted June 21, 2021 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

The global COVID-19 pandemic has brought to the fore the importance of quality end-of-life and bereavement care, and it has served to bring to light issues around death, dying, and bereavement that have tended to remain hidden from view.

We have researched the private realm of end of life and explored first-hand experiences of parental death that were up close and personal. We want to highlight how death impacts personal lives.

One key strand we and others have researched is the impact of deaths that are considered ‘ordinary’, mainly the loss of a parent or parents in late middle age. Increasingly, contemporary bereavement research has directed its focus on complicated and prolonged forms of grief albeit within a time-limited frame. While fears of medicalising normal grief might be justifiable, in some ways ‘ordinary’ deaths have been overlooked. For example, the death of a parent during childhood and adolescence has received considerable research attention , perhaps precisely because this is a less common experience in contemporary western societies.

Consequently, while death in old age is considered timely, natural, and unproblematic and as such, deemed less worthy of the label ‘tragic’. The process of categorising deaths as timely or natural is socially constructed and relies upon certain assumptions within a given culture or society about who is expected to die and when. Further, this categorisation of timely and untimely death underpins what bereavement researchers refer to as a ‘hierarchy of grief’ (Doka 1989). For instance, bereavement literature may often claim that the death of a child is the ‘worst’ type of bereavement, whereas the death of an elderly parent is to be expected and part of the natural life course. Key to this type of construction is that the grief expressed following a death is expected to be in proportion to the social importance and significance of the death.

For people with parents and those who identify significant others as parents, timeliness may be irrelevant to offspring as they face a life transition from an adult with living parents to an adult without, midlife experiences of parental loss are no exception to the social complexities of grief. Indeed, as those living in western societies increasingly have their first experience of bereavement later in life, people may feel just as unprepared as at any other stage in the life course. The death of a parent holds its own specific challenges and can present unique existential and ontological dilemmas and questions as it removes the ‘buffer against death’ (Moss and Moss 1984). More practically, becoming the ‘next in line’ can involve taking on new roles and responsibilities, previously held by the deceased parent. In sum, this experience of transition can be compared to a ‘rite of passage’ where bereaved adult children find themselves shifted to the top of the ancestral hierarchy bestowed with a new sense of identity , along with duties and obligations.

We are also interested in how the role of children in end-of-life care was framed by social expectations of what that role might involve – and how there was a premium on getting it right. Uneven trajectories to death created decision points and sometimes, dilemmas within families. Anthropological literature has long highlighted the difficulties surrounding the life-death boundary , with which researchers are very familiar. These accounts of being deeply involved, show the extent to which prior knowledge helps – and the significance of the parental buffer between life and death for the surviving children.

As academics, researchers, and practitioners working in end of life and bereavement we are trained to maintain distance from research participants and the data we collect. When conducting fieldwork developing ‘reflexivity’ involves identifying and acknowledging one’s own emotions and position as a researcher. However, when it comes to experiences of death and grief, the personal and professional can often intersect in ways that are not always clear-cut.

When the understanding that grief is a 'taboo' persists, then writing openly about an experience like bereavement enables people to connect with otherwise hidden and silenced stories. For some, to write about the experience of grief may be both a way to express the 'unsayable' of death and to make public what is felt to be private. Furthermore, parents and what we inherit from them are deeply intertwined into who we are and what we become – whether our parents are present or absent. Our story is their story and vice versa.

The pandemic has challenged many taken-for-granted assumptions around how to care for people in end of life and bereavement. Perhaps, as stories about people dying in hospitals, hospices, or at home without vital family and community support continue to be shared, a new focus on the significance of parental death will emerge.

Doka, K. J. (ed.) (1989) Disenfranchised grief: Recognising hidden sorrow, Lexington,

Mass: Lexington Books.

Moss, M., & Moss, S (1984). The impact of parental death on middle aged children. Omega 14(1), 65–75.

Pearce, C. and Komaromy, C. (eds) (2021) Narratives of Parental Death, Dying and Bereavement A Kind of Haunting. Palgrave: London.

Caroline Pearce, Ph.D. , is a Visiting Researcher at the University of Cambridge. Carol Komaromy, Ph.D. , is an honorary associate of The Open University. They are the authors of Narratives of Parental Death, Dying, and Bereavement.

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• v.106(2); 2013 Feb

The long-term impact of early parental death: lessons from a narrative study

Jackie ellis.

1 Academic Palliative and Supportive Care Studies Group (APSCSG), Division of Health Service Research, University of Liverpool, 1st Floor Block B Waterhouse Buildings, 1–5 Brownlow Street, Liverpool L69 3GL, UK

Chris Dowrick

2 Division of Health Service Research, University of Liverpool, Liverpool, UK

Mari Lloyd-Williams

To explore the individual experiences of those who had experienced the death of a parent(s) before the age of 18, and investigate how such experiences were perceived to impact on adult life.

An exploratory qualitative design using written ( n = 5) and oral ( n = 28) narratives and narrative analysis was adopted to explore the experiences 33 adults (7 men and 26 women) who had experienced parental death during childhood.

Participants

Individuals living in the North West of England who had lost a parent(s) before the age of 18.

Main outcome measures

Views of adults bereaved of a parent before the age of 18 of impact of parental loss in adult life.

While individual experiences of bereavement in childhood were unique and context bound, the narratives were organized around three common themes: disruptions and continuity, the role of social networks and affiliations and communication and the extent to which these dynamics mediated the bereavement experience and the subsequent impact on adult life. Specifically they illustrate how discontinuity (or continuity that does not meet the child's needs), a lack of appropriate social support for both the child and surviving parent and a failure to provide clear and honest information at appropriate time points relevant to the child's level of understanding was perceived to have a negative impact in adulthood with regards to trust, relationships, self-esteem, feeling of self-worth loneliness and isolation and the ability to express feelings. A model is suggested for identifying and supporting those that may be more vulnerable to less favourable outcomes in adult life.

Conclusions

The findings suggest that if the negative consequences are to be minimized it is crucial that guidelines for ‘best practice’ that recognize the complex nature of the bereavement experience are followed.

Introduction

The death of a parent is always traumatic 1 and in UK 5% of children are bereaved of a parent before age of 16. 2 Estimates suggests that over 24,000 children and young adults people experience the death of a parent each year in the UK 3 but data may be underinflated. 4

The likelihood of experiencing parental death varies by locality and social circumstances. 5 Ethnicity, class and material circumstances have received little attention 6 in this area. Minority ethnic groups may experience loss through experiences of migrations, disadvantage and racism, which may increase their vulnerability when dealing with parental loss 7 and variations in mortality rate according to ethnic group are not well understood in the UK. 8

Studies have revealed many negative outcomes associated with childhood bereavement, e.g. an increased likelihood of substance abuse, 9 greater vulnerability to depression, 10 , 11 higher risk of criminal behaviour, 12 school underachievement 13 , 14 and lower employment rates. 2

Many interrelating risks and factors mediate or moderate children's experiences 15 , 16 these include factors relating to child (such as their prior experiences of loss, and coping style), their family and social relationships (including relationship with the person who has died), their wider environment and culture, and the circumstances of the death. 15 , 16

There is little data on the long-term outcomes, 17 although a quantitative analysis of the 1970 birth cohort 2 suggests that there may be some longer-term impact, particularly for women, on outcomes at age 30 such as qualifications, employment, symptoms of depression or being a smoker. Furthermore, although there were qualitative studies identified there was little (if any) which sought to explore how the informants themselves might construct the significance of bereavement experiences in the context of individual life stories.

Given this gap in knowledge we aimed to explore through a narrative approach the individual experiences of those who had experienced the death of a parent(s) before and age of 18, and investigate how such experiences were perceived to impact on adult life.

A qualitative narrative approach was adopted for this study. Qualitative research that is framed by a narrative approach affords the opportunity to hear the participants own words. 18 Therefore, this approach appears to be uniquely well suited to exploring the underlying meaning and evolving and complex nature of the experiences of early parental death, loss and grief. Purposive sampling was used to achieve maximum variation with regards to sociodemographic characteristics in order to identify core/central experiences.

Data generation

With approval from the University of Liverpool ethics committee, we invited those who had lost a parent before the age of 18 to participate in the study via information dissemination in forms of posters press releases and radio interviews. In order to protect participants who may have been particularly vulnerable those who had lost a parent within the previous 12 months were excluded from the study. Interested respondents were sent a pack which provided information about the study before consenting to take part.

Participants could choose to write their experiences in the absence of the researcher or take part in depth narrative interview 19 (face to face or by telephone) with the researcher in a setting of their choice and typically interviews lasted between one and two hours.

Based on the assumption that people do not relate stories haphazardly the decision about where to begin the narrative suggests enduring personal concerns. 20 Thus, the narrative was elicited by simply asking the question ‘Can you tell me how the death of your parent has affected your life? And participants were encouraged to find their own starting point.

When there was uncertainty the researcher offered a prompt. 21 After reflecting on what the participant had said the researcher sometimes asked supplementary questions designed to obtain clarification, such as ‘why do you think that is?’, or could you give me an example of that?’ or ‘how did it make you feel? The same method of eliciting the narrative was used in information for people providing written narratives as those that had elected to have an interview.

Data analysis

Oral narratives were recorded and transcribed and returned to the participants for verification, if the participant had consented to this. For anonymity each participant chose a pseudonym. Following Murray's 19 recommendations data analysis was divided into two broad phases – the descriptive phase and the interpretive phase. A thorough reading and re-reading of the transcribed and written narratives proceeded both phases, in order to familiarize with structure and content of the narrative. A short profile of each account was constructed to allow each account to ‘speak for itself’, before fully engaging in the analytic process. Such a reconstructive activity serves to preserve the integrity and emphasizes the uniqueness of each participant's experience and helps to dispel the resistance to the more deconstructive process of cross-sectional analysis. 21 Each story was then interrogated to determine how it was emplotted (i.e. how the informants organized and evaluated their stories, around what sets of issues, actors, events, the language used, etc.) and compared with establish what the individual stories have in common and where they diverged around specific social or cultural circumstances and variation in meaning for individuals. The thematic framework was applied to all transcripts and revised accordingly to illustrate similarities and difference in the experience of participants. Regular meetings took place throughout the study to discuss the emerging themes and selected transcripts with three other experts in the field and the consistency of analysis to raw data.

Sample sociodemographics

The study was located in the North West of England. Of the 36 people who requested further information about the study three did not contact the research again (and it was assumed they did not wish to participate) and 33 (7 men and 26 women) consented to take part. Details of participants are provided in Table  1 . The age of participants ranged 20–80. At the time of parental death, participants were aged between 13 months to 17 years. Of the seven men participants, one was Scottish, three Irish and the remainder English. Of the 25 female participants, two were Welsh, one was Yemini Arab, three were Irish, and the remainder were English. Participants’ religious backgrounds included Catholic, Protestant, Muslim and Jewish.

Table 1

Demographics of respondents

Blank cells = data not stated

Deceased parents included 14 mothers and 15 fathers and four respondents had lost both of them (total of 37). There were 29 sudden or unexpected deaths (at least from the perspective of the child), four of these being accidental and one being suicide, the others being from disease (i.e. cancer, cardiovascular and neurological disease) and included dying trajectories of various lengths.

In analysing the data it was clear that, while individual experiences of bereavement in childhood were unique, common themes were identified across the narratives which impacted on bereavement experience over time including disruption and continuity, communication, and social networks and affiliations.

Disruption and continuity

The narratives were organized around maintaining continuity in the face of disruption. Ruth lost her parents within six months of each other when she was 16 and went to live with a family friend. She explains why:

I didn't want to go to family – I didn't, I think because, the enormity of what of happened and the fact that I'd lost both parents in such a short time – I had been able to stay with my aunty O … it meant that I didn't have to make new friends because it was the one constant – my school and my friends were the world that didn't change. Everything had changed, I'd lost my home, I'd lost my parents, I'd got no brothers and sisters, I'd got nobody but you know nine o'clock or half eight in the morning I went off to school and I came back at say half past three and in that time I was like any other, I was a normal schoolgirl if that makes sense (Ruth 46, aged 16 when parents died six months apart).

By expressing her preference to live with a family friend whom she called aunt, Ruth was able to stay in familiar surroundings. This sense of continuity was particularly important to Ruth, as it provided sense of stability and normality in an otherwise chaotic life world where she could escape (albeit temporary) the enormity of such profound disruption.

In contrast, Anne-Marie was sent to live with her paternal grandmother after her mother's death without her sister. This relationship with her sister was important to Anne Marie: as far as she was concerned, it was the only source of continuity that she had been able to rely on. Anne -Marie explains:

So first of all, that was really strange because I wasn't living with my sister anymore and then just further compounded my feeling of loneliness because now I was stuck with my nana – who I loved – but she was an old women and where's me sister gone. I had no one to confide with, or share it with and stuff like that so that was awful. I remember feeling very upset that L (name of sister) wasn't there anymore. Urm and at the time I didn't realize why she didn't want to be there, it was just like well she doesn't want to be with me either. so yeah L went and went to live with my aunty’. Urm, since then I have had real issues with loneliness – I've had real, real bad issues throughout my life (Anne-Marie 25, aged 8 when her mother died of a brain hemorrhage).

For Anne-Marie the insecurity, fear and loneliness she experienced as a result of her mother's death appears to have been intensified by the lack of support from her father and being ‘stuck’ with her parental grandmother without her sister providing support. At the time Anne-Marie was unaware of the reasons underpinning her separation from her sister hence she made sense of it by seeing it as rejection which further compounded her feelings of loneliness and isolation. For Anne-Marie the significance of this event is reflected in the fact that throughout her adult life she has experienced overwhelming feelings loneliness and isolation and finds it difficult to trust others.

Continuity was also affected by a reduction in parental capacity which the respondents could not make sense of, as exemplified in Winifred's story. To Winfred her mother appeared to be no longer interested in where she went or what she was doing after her father died. Winifred believes that this change in her mother's behaviour to be as distressing as her father's death as exemplified below:

And it was a strange feeling on my part – I don't think it was exactly that I had lost two parents but that I lost [one] parent and the other one had changed so much. Now that only lasted a short time in now I understand it, but at the time I didn't and that … distressed me in a way as much as my father dying- that might sound odd but, and I still remember that and when I was a doctor I came to be associated a lot with bereaved people, I learned the theories about loss and grief I immediately recognised that was why my mother had reacted, it didn't last very long (Winifred 63, aged 17 when her father died).

Through her subsequent experiences Winifred was able to understand that the change in her mother's behaviour was due to grief. Had Winifred understood what was happening to her mother at the time the extent of her distress might have been alleviated.

Where this reduction in parental capacity was long term the impact appeared much greater as exemplified in Jane's narrative:

She [mother] was throwing everything out in house that belonged to me dad and I was gutted … but she started throwing things of mine out then and I just felt alone; I had no one to back me up and I couldn't talk to her about it and then it happened every single year after and I'd buy more books to replace what she'd thrown out and she'd do the same and, in the end I had to leave (Jane 51, aged 17 when her father suffered a heart attack and died).

For Jane the distress she experienced appeared to be compounded by the fact that she feels she has no one to support her during this time.

The role of social networks and affiliations

Narratives were often organized around the extent to which support from social and institutional affiliations (e.g. schools, religious organizations, neighbours and friendship networks) mediated the impact of parental death. For some this support provided access to role models, moral guidance and a sense of security as the following extracts illustrate:

I don't think actually when I was younger it had a lot of effect on me because I think I was quite social you know, had lots of friends and erm went to Sunday school and that, church youth club and had a lot of friends there. And I think cos, that I sort of had some friends with dads – they sort of, they became like surrogate dads really … there was a guy who was like me Sunday school superintendent-, I suppose he was like a father figure really (Sue R 51, 9 when her father died of a lung condition). My father's death caused my mother some disillusionment with religion but she was happy for me join a church choir hoping that the church would exercise a strong moral influence. She was less enthusiastic about my joining the Boys’ Brigade as she still remembered its early military associations but soon came to see it providing ‘manly’ activities in a safe environment under the control of dedicated men who were providing a strong masculine influence, which she did accept was lacking in my life (Sam 72, aged 3 when his father died of heart disease). The convent had given me security. It wasn't just a place of worship or a holy house. Unlike the other children who had gone off through the school gates and gone home, I'd actually seen the other side of this convent life- that was the security … And better still I could probably walk into most convents now and fall into the routine even now quite naturally … And it's not, they'd be no awkwardness there, or it doesn't feel right, it was a sense of security as well as a belief (Christina 57, aged 5 when mother died of leukaemia).

However, distress was compounded in cases where participants felt excluded from any support offered. Whatever the reason underpinning this, the perception was that being excluded contributed to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

And erm there was a welfare officer from the police came round to offer some assistance I don't know what, she'd[mother] talked to him in another room so I don't know, but nobody came and sat with me. Err, it was always me mum, they'd come and see me mum, I don't know whether she thought you know that I shouldn't be exposed to this kind of thing or whether I was too young to understand it but, the overriding feeling was that I felt left out. I think it was me age, I think if I'd been older I might have had some kind of, somebody to sit and listen to how I was feeling (Jane 51, aged 17 when her father died of a heart attack). I think they might have supported my mother- I'm sure they did support my mother very well. I think, looking back on it now I think in an analytical way I think actually what it was, was that they assume that a 17 year old boy can cope and they just didn't do anything or say anything or you know really at all (Gerald 62, aged 17 when his father died after varying degrees of ill health).

Communication

Distress was compounded when children were not given accurate information not only at the time of physical death, but when the parent they knew in terms of caring for them and looking after them is lost to them due to their illness. This lack of information was perceived to contribute to the ensuing fear and bewilderment experienced, as illustrated in an extract from Jimmy narrative.

…at the time, so kind of bewildered about what was going on around me and not really understanding or having it explained to me. But being a fairly bright kid so, with the ability to make, to create a back story which probably had no foundation in reality at all but, does that make sense? …, I can I can remember I can remember being so scared and bewildered, I didn't, nobody had explained to me what the nature of her illness was, how she got there (Jimmy 48, aged 8 when his mother died of encephalitis).

So intense were these feelings that they have remained in his adult memory. The intensity of this distress is reflected in the use intensifiers ( I can, I can remember, I can remember, being so scared and bewildered ) present in Jimmy's narrative. Had he been told about his mother's illness and her subsequent death Jimmy feels that he would not have had to create his own back-story which was not necessary helpful.

In some families the deceased parent could not be as talked about at all for fear that family members (particularly surviving parents) might not be able to cope with the emotions triggered by a reminder and families created implicit rules for the communication of thoughts and feelings. In some cases families often stopped functioning as a family and became ‘individuals in a family’. As an adult Lucy reflects on how the subsequent lack of closeness as a family, particularly to her mother, stems from the fact that that she (and her siblings) even prior to her father's death were able to discuss this openly as a child.

I suppose we were all a bit separate in our family and still are- I don't feel that close to my mum, I had to tell her something recently and it's taken weeks of courage to tell her something and I'm not really that close to my brothers and sisters, slightly better with my sister recently, I think it was because we were separate and left to work things out for ourselves and that's how it has always been and that as I say how we found out about the accident was piece it together (Lucy 43, aged 10 when her father was killed in a plane crash).

A unique feature of this study was its exploration of the impact of early parental death over the life course of the participants up to as long as 71 years after the death of a parent(s). Crucially this brought into view the damage and effects on the individual overtime as a consequence of inappropriate or neglectful management. Through the analytical process it was revealed that while the individual experience of bereavement were unique, they were organized around common themes which mediated the experience of parental loss, including disruptions and continuity, the role of social networks and affiliations and communication.

In common with other studies 22 , 23 the analysis confirms that moving home and separation from family and friends made adjustment to parental death significantly more difficult and increased distress in the bereaved child. Consistent with Worden, 16 we found that the longer disruptions in daily life continued, the greater their impact on children. However, our analysis further suggests that when children experienced a progression of discontinues events (or continuity that did not meet their need) respondents appear to be more likely to experience emotional difficulties and feeling of insecurity and loneliness in adult life.

Broader research on childhood trauma suggests that the quality of the relationships within the family influences a child's recovery after trauma occurs. 24 An important factor is whether the child feels safe and secure within a loving supportive family, with a surviving partner who is able to parent effectively. Even temporary changes in parental capacity were found to be distressing for children as respondents often did not understand what was happening. Riches and Dawson 25 term this experience the ‘double jeopardy’ whereby the child not only suffers the loss of a parent but the symbolic or temporary loss of other parent. The analysis further suggests that where these changes are longer term the distress experienced is compounded and there may be significant impact in adult life in terms of loss of self-esteem and self-worth.

Our study also demonstrates the distress experienced by the child when their support needs are not taken into account by the social network. The findings suggest that, in order to help minimize the disruptive effect of bereavement of children's social worlds, it is essential that bereavement support consists of far more than counselling that is frequently available and offered to bereaved children. Structured support ensures the many different contexts for continuity can be harnessed and maintained. The findings suggest that where possible child/children remain in existing their social networks (e.g. live in the same area, go to the same school, and maintain the same friendships and other social affiliations). Those working with bereaved families also need to ensure that support which increases stability, continuity and cohesion is introduced at every level of the family system. This includes essential practical support, e.g. practical household tasks housework, cooking, shopping and taking the children to school, as this reduces the social, economic and caring burden on the surviving parent. Our research suggests that if the social network addresses the necessary ‘mothering/fathering’ then a child does not appear to be affected in adult life.

Much of the literature emphasizes the need for open communication with regard to the physical death and the need for regular updates regarding the course and prognosis of the disease. 26 There appears to be little or no acknowledgement of that fact that children also need to be given information when the parent is no longer able to fulfil the parenting role during a terminal illness. The findings from this study demonstrate the distress experienced as children and adults when they are not given clear and honest information at appropriate time points relevant to their understanding and experience. Our study emphasizes that communication is dialectic, dialogic and dynamic in nature. Therefore, rather than unilaterally promoting open communication the findings from our study suggest that it is essential that those working with bereaved families discuss the complexities of communication with the family members and explore the different meanings associated with sharing grief experiences with each other. 27 This supports the family as a unit to integrate experience and adapt to changes with few attempts to control thoughts and feelings. 28 In the absence of resources such as economic security or social support, individuals and families are forced to rely on interpersonal, negotiated, emotional controls as a strategy of last resort 29 and confirmed by our study. This is likely to have a negative impact on relationships in adulthood as respondents often found it difficult to express feelings, as our findings clearly illustrate.

Based on the findings from our study a model is suggested for identifying and supporting those that may be more vulnerable to less favourable outcomes in adult life is presented in Figures  1 and ​ and2 2 .

Key elements for supporting parentally bereaved children achieve better outcomes in adulthood. **Support needs to be sensitive to the family's cultural beliefs surrounding, death, dying and bereavement, parenting and the wider cultural practices in which such beliefs are imbedded

Key elements to help identify bereaved children that may be more vunerable to less favourable outcomes in adulthood. *Refers to both the physical death and the ‘death’ of the parent that was known to them

A limitation of this study is the recognition that memory is a re-constructive process; hence early memories evolve under reconstruction. Respondents were asked to recall events that they had experienced in childhood and may have brought their own prejudices and mindsets into their memories. In addition, it is important to clarify that the purpose of this study was to increase our understanding of the subjective experience of the impact of early parental death on adult life. Even though there may be inaccurate or incomplete recall due to memory attrition, it is the actual lived experience of the participants which was most important. As this was a self-selected sample, there may be same bias in favour of those who saw value in talking or writing about their experiences. The limited ethnic diversity in our sample limits the extent to which the findings can be generalized to other cultures.

One of the main findings of this study relates to the damage and suffering experienced by individuals in adult life when appropriate levels of support are not provided. The Childhood Bereavement Network 30 developed a set of guidelines to provide organizations and individual practitioners with a baseline ‘best practice’ framework for support of parents of bereaved children. These guidelines recognize the importance of supporting and affirming parents of bereaved children and acknowledge that parents have the primary role in providing support for their children. The guidelines also acknowledge that parenting is challenging, varied and long-term, and families will have a broad range of practical, emotional, social and financial needs. The findings suggest that it is crucial for such guidelines to be followed if the damage and suffering experienced by individuals in adult life is to be minimized.

DECLARATIONS

Competing interests.

None declared

The study was funded by the Clara Burgess Charity

Ethical approval

Full ethical approval was gained from the University of Liverpool Ethics committee

MLW is the overall guarantor

Contributorship

All authors contributed equally

Acknowledgements

The authors would like to acknowledge the participants for sharing their experiences and colleagues at the Academic Palliative and Supportive Care Unit for the advice and support.

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Research On Child With A Loss Of A Parent

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